Veronica's POV

14 months ago

I stare at the police car as Derek is being taken away. I press my fingers on the concrete and I blink away the tears as I force myself to stand up.

I look down at my bruised knees and hands, a bit of crimson liquid coming out of the wounds. I didn't even realize how badly I threw myself on the ground when Derek was arrested.

"I can't- I can't believe it-" I mutter though the muffled cries.

He took the blame for me... he is going to be in prison for a long time, fuck, that amount of cocaine can't even be considered for personal use... we are doomed.

The way he looked at me, the way the love he ever felt for me was attached to a string.

When he saw the cocaine, the disappointment filled the air and it was hard to breathe, I knew.

I knew it was over.

I bring my hand to my heart, wanting to crumble it, to stop these feelings. I press my fingers hard into my chest and I can feel the nails protruding through the thin material of my top.

"It's over... it's over, it's really over and it's all my fault," I stutter confused, as I bring my hands to my hair wanting to pull away every single strand one by one.

The cold brisk air hits my skin and it gives me goosebumps as I pick up all the energy I have left in my body to walk myself to his car.

To Derek's car...

I brush away a few other tears as I struggle to open the car door and get myself into his seat.

"What did I do... what did I do... it's all my fault." I smash my hands against the steering wheel and I immediately regret it.

Everything is going to be fine, everything is going to be fine. I repeat to myself, struggling to stay positive about it.

The cocaine isn't mine, it's not his. We will deal with this, he will understand he has nothing to be disappointed about.

The feeling I have in my gut tells me otherwise, it's as if I know I'll never see Derek again.

I cannot explain how and why but I know I'm fucked, I know he is fucked for life.

I lay my head on the steering wheel and I cry out my soul, I let each tear flow freely on my face until I get dehydrated.

Once I'm done crying, I look at the rearview mirror. I look horrible. Unrecognizable, as if I lost everything.

I did lose almost everything prior to loving Derek, but now I'm sure I have nothing to live for.

"This is proof I don't deserve anything good, this is proof I'm not good enough and that I fuck up everyone."

This is proof... that I shouldn't even try.

I look around and I notice the car keys aren't here, Derek must have them with him.

I pick up my phone full of dirt from when it fell on the ground and I wipe it off on my jeans.

I dial Dominic and when he doesn't pick up the first time, I call him again.

He picks up the phone.

"Dominic... Derek-"

I must sound awful. My scrawny voice is cracking and I can barely form a coherent sentence.

"What happened? You are worrying me."

"It's not mine- not mine, I had, I had... cocaine in my backpack and-"

"Ronny, I don't understand anything. Calm down, tell me what happened," he speaks in his usual comforting tone.

I take a deep breath and I can feel my lower lip tremble but I speak again, "Derek was arrested and it's all my fault. The cops pulled us over and I had cocaine in my backpack but I promise someone framed us, there is no- other way. Then Derek took my blame."

"Where are you?" Dominic seems worried but doesn't show it.

"Outside of Georgia."

"Right... you were supposed to go away with him."

I gulp down hard as I realize it was the reason we got caught in the first place... maybe if I hadn't been so difficult and didn't suggest running away...

"Get a cab. I will have someone send the car back here."

After a pause of silence I tell him, "I know it's over, both for us and him. That amount of cocaine... lying it was his, the way he looked at me."

"It's not over until it's over."

A broken smile appears on my face, despite mostly not understanding really what he means, but it's so Dominic.

Now

"You look banging hot," Nicole mutters to me as I style my hair with a curling wand that I struggle to use.

"Don't make me regret this," I state jokingly.

"We are going to have so much fun, promise, this is the first party at college and it's been a month already."

"I can't even drink," I explain annoyed. Sometimes I miss drinking. So easy to escape your problems and be completely gone until the morning after when everything hits, and it hits hard.

"You don't need to drink to have fun, Ronny."

"You do if everyone else is pissed drunk." We both laugh and she tries to make a serious face but fails which makes us laugh more.

"Come on, not everyone will be drunk," she says as she grabs the mascara and walks to the small mirror we have near the closet.

"Of course, I forgot about drugs!" She snickers again and I smile. Her bright copious laughter always fills the room, it's beautiful to see her like this. To be this close again.

If I have to think about how we got to this, I'd say it's complicated.

After Derek was arrested and Dominic helped me, I went straight to Nicole's home when I was back in Georgia.

I didn't know if she would open the door but she did. I told her everything, stuttering, being a complete incoherent mess, and despite how distant we used to be... she held me in her arms as I cried for hours.

Then every time I visited Derek or sent him a letter that never received a response, she would comfort me. And I knew she was just as broken as I was after finding out what James did, and then Louis breaking off both the relationship and the friendship.

"Are you ready?" Nicole asks bringing me out of my thoughts.

"More than ready." I grab my purse and she snatches the dorm keys from the bedside table.

"Who's going to drive?"

"You, of course. Well, since you can't drink," she answers.

I roll my eyes quietly and we walk out of the dormitory hall. It's quieter than ever.

That's how Friday and Saturday nights are. It's going to be wild.

~

"This is the party?" I point with the finger towards the fraternity house and I slip out of my mouth an amused chuckle.

"Ronny, it's not that bad."

"Yeah, it is," I say as I stare at the fraternity hall. Frat boys are a big no.

"I actually met a cute frat guy a few days ago-"

"No, just no." I interrupt her half delighted. She needs some time for herself, especially far away from boys.

We get to the door and we just walk in like everyone else. I guess they don't care who comes to the party.

Is Dominic going to be here? He used to go to every party...

I don't think I'm ready to see him yet. Or ever again.

Irène comes up to us and I already see Nicole leaving to her new lost friend, Antonia.

She has been spending a lot of time with her lately...

"I didn't even speak and she already left." Irène giggles and I just purse my lips into a thin line.

"You know what you are doing," I tell her.

"Partying," she plays dumb and I roll my eyes.

"I still don't trust you," I warn her and she smiles.

"Kind of hurts me a bit but I will get over it." She clears her throat. I'm unsure if she is actually hurt. "Or I could throw you back in jail."

"You are despicable, Miss Leroy." I make the conversation lighter. Also because I don't want to go back to jail.

One night there is horrible... how is Derek surviving in a prison?

"I know that face." Irène calls out my attention and I realize how I look every time his name pops up in my mind.

"What face?"

She points to my face and puts an arm around my shoulder and pushes me to walk towards the kitchen.

Irène smiles at one of the frat guys and he winks back at her. Gross.

"Before you ask, no, I don't know him, yet." She giggles.

I scoff, of course she doesn't. But this is college.

We talk to everyone we don't know and then hookup on the first night, right?

I spot Alexander spending some time with a gorgeous red head and I double check making sure it's not Olivia.

I take a big breath of relief when I realize it's not her. Her crimson hair looks way too bright, probably dyed hair.

Irène grabs a bottle of vodka and chugs on it for a few seconds, then she passes it to me.

"I don't drink." I raise my eyebrows and push away the bottle defensively.

"Boring."

"You must really like that rehabilitation center."

"Duh, my dad owns it."

"I still don't understand why he would do that."

"When you are such a big influence and have a reputation to maintain, a troubled teenager is the worst thing," she explains.

"Were you there because of your drugs problem... because of Felix?" I try to make her confess to me but she shakes her head, and chuckles.

"You just keep trying, oh, Ronny. Alex really got in your head."

She puts the bottle down and walks to him with her posture as straight as a pin.

I push myself out of the comfort zone and I walk to them before she makes a scene.

"Hey, love," she flirts with Alex and he doesn't buy it.

"Bitch." He says as the hot girl with crimson  hair walks away once she notices us.

"I've been called worse," she retorts.

He places the gin bottle on the counter and leans on it with his hands.

"What's your next plan, Irène?" he asks her with a grin on his face

I watch them quietly as they continue bickering and I find myself getting a headache.

It's been a year and almost half since I went to a party and the loud music, alcohol stench and drugs are really getting to me.

Also, having constant doubts about your friends is exhausting. I'm just going to observe in silence until I understand what the fuck happened.

Irène leaves to the bathroom and I remain alone with Alexander.

He offers me a shot of vodka.

"One shot won't hurt," he encourages me and I stop him just like I did with Irène.

"You know I can't."

"You can have a little alcohol, I will be here to stop you." He puts an arm around my waist and I feel uncomfortable.

I'm not getting better regarding being touched by someone, especially unexpected but I don't flinch as much anymore.

I felt so safe around Derek.

"What happened to Olivia?"

"She moved far away, to another college. I don't know much," Alex explains and I nod softly.

I wonder what happened to James too, and I know Nicole wants to know.

She is trying to mask her pain with the same way I did, it's crazy how similar we are.

Random hookups, alcohol, parties... don't really work in the end. I feel more empty and devastated now than ever before.

I take a cup from the cupboard and I pour some water from the tap.

"Water? Weren't you getting drunk on Diet Coke last year?" Alex jokes and I don't find it within me to laugh at his jokes.

I check everyone around me and I see Nicole talking to Antonia and another frat boy I don't know.

I excuse myself from Alex and tell him I will be back soon.

I walk towards the group and I listen to check if I'm interrupting them.

"Derek is in prison?! How did that happen?" Antonia exclaims and I almost drop my cup of water.

I'm too close to them to back away and Nicole notices me which forces Antonia to turn around.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I know it's a sensitive subject for you," Antonia apologizes and I look at Nicole, startled and aggravated that she told them everything.

"I didn't- I just told her without thinking-" Nicole tries to explain but I'm so sick of her not keeping one single thing to herself. And how the fuck does Antonia know Derek?

I scoff and walk back to Alex, he is already looking at me and studying our expressions.

Could it be possible that Antonia was seeing Derek? Or maybe they were friends... but he never mentioned her.

I violently throw the cup in the sink, annoyed, and he does the same with his shot.

Some people look at us weirdly and I roll my eyes quietly, then I turn my back on them and lean against the counter.

"I didn't remember these parties being so boring," I say and he smiles.

"That's because everyone is drunk and you aren't."

"These people can only have fun only if they drink or get high? That's pretty sad," I laugh and he looks at me with his eyebrows raised.

"I'm just going to lay down somewhere until it's over," I continue.

"I know a quiet room with no weird teenagers," he suggests and I look around to see if Nicole left.

She is nowhere to be seen...

"Fine. Let's go."

I just want to lay down a bit, think about what just happened.

Before I leave, I grab a cold bottle of Coca Cola from the fridge.

We get to that room and he opens the door for me. He even has a key for it?

"I know the fraternity boys."

"I see, do you always bring girls here?" I joke and he grins as we sit on the spacious bed.

"Nah, only you," he says in a flirting tone.

"Cheesy."

I open the bottle and it slowly loses fizz. I bring it to my mouth and chug down till half.

It tastes so weird without sugar. I'm never getting Diet Coke again.

We chill on the bed for twenty minutes without talking and just staring at the TV trying to ignore everyone screaming and possibly moaning.

"You know Antonia?" I ask him and he shakes his head.

"I've noticed her but I don't know much." He makes himself more comfortable near me on the bed and I lean back on the pillows, careful to not be too close to him.

"I eavesdropped when she talked about Derek. She also knows everything because of Nicole... but I don't understand how does she know Derek?" I furrow my eyebrows with suspicion.

I can feel my heart beating faster and I assume it's because of talking about Derek.

"You know what I think," Alex points out with mocking tone. Yeah, I already know.

"Some of the side hoes of Derek," he finishes and I roll my eyes.

I'm getting so sick of everyone accusing Derek.

"She wasn't even here when I met him," I defend him.

"Just because you didn't see her it doesn't mean she wasn't here," he continues to add to the suspicion.

"Nicole is very close friends with her, I doubt that," I mutter annoyed and roll over to the other side.

I take another gulp from the bottle and I leave it empty on the bedside table.

"Ok, then, I will stop. Do you want my honest opinion?"

I nod.

"I think Nicole is just telling everyone what happened and Antonia knows because of that. I would advise you to stay away from Nicole too." I look at him surprised but he continues, "I don't think she is the good friend you think she is."

"Oh, wow. Now you are accusing Nicole? Who is next? Dominic?" I can feel the blood boiling inside my veins and the room is getting hotter.

"Dominic isn't in any way better than Nicole as well."

I scoff annoyed and I sit up but I quickly realize I'm feeling a bit lightheaded.

"Your ability to choose a trustworthy friend is rigged."

"Well, you are my friend. What does that say about you?" I take back the bottle and squeeze in my hands until it becomes smaller.

"I'm not your friend."