Veronica's POV

I told Shanice I'd think about coming to her party and I decided to do it for Nicole.

We haven't been hanging out much and spring break happens next week and she isn't coming to my house anymore. She will try to fix things with her mother.

She always tries, but it never works out. Her mom seems keen on making everything harder for my best friend. I know Nicole won't admit it, but I see how much it affects her when my mom treats me like every daughter should be treated.

"I decided to keep the party a bit smaller this time. I only invited twenty people," Shanice says.

"That isn't very small," I point out. Still plenty of people I don't know.

Dominic scoffs. "You should have told me sooner, I would've gone to the other party."

Shanice messes up his perfectly curled hair as he yells for help, "I was kidding!"

"Good luck with that," Irenè jokes.

"Where is the alcohol?" Nicole asks.

"Guys, bad, bad news. They threw me out before I could buy the alcohol," Dominic confesses.

"Fuck off," Shanice is exasperated. No drinks no party and it doesn't help that Shanice lost her ID.

"How can that even happen?" I ask, remembering how he never failed to buy drinks two years ago with his fake ID. He is turning 21 soon too.

Nicole cups Dom's face and squeezes his cheeks. "Look at him, he has such a cute baby face." We all burst out laughing and Dominic pouts.

"Let's be real, Derek was the one who bought the alcohol all these years," Shanice says and the mood completely changes in two seconds.

Especially for me. We all miss Derek and it's weird how distant we've been for the past one year and a half when everyone was so close with him before.

Dominic and Derek were the best duo and they were the life of the party, even Dominic feels weird without him.

It's just not the same. I don't know how long we will last before we start looking for Derek, even against his wish.

I promised Shanice I will help her with cleaning afterwards, she decided to invite fewer people because of me. For once we could have a smaller party without idiots.

Her new house is also pretty big but not as big as the one from two years ago. That place still gives me a weird nostalgia. I kinda miss it but at the same time I hate it.

Suddenly someone knocks on the door.

I go to the door and I welcome Brandon and Cyprian, Nicole's mysterious lover. Brandon immediately smiles and greets me but Cyprian seems a bit frozen... and starstruck.

I still think he looks familiar, but now I've known him for a few months and at this point familiarity is normal, I have no idea where I would even know him from.

Nicole told me about her date with him and their kiss, and that he lives In Tennesse which isn't far from us. Maybe I've interacted with him before.

Brandon dressed very laid back but Cyprian kept it more formal, a slightly unbuttoned light blue shirt and dark jeans. He always looks so polished.

"Hey, glad you came," I say. "We have just one small problem. We couldn't buy alcohol."

"What happened?"

"It's all Dominic's fault, he shaved his facial hair," I say amused.

"Not that he had much," Shanice mocks him. "That little mustache barely growing there and three dark strands sticking out from his chin." Irene and Shanice burst out laughing.

"You two are mean today," Dominic pouts jokingly but Shanice and Irène just can't stop giggling.

"I was mean too! Give me due credit," Nicole joins in.

"I am twenty-one, I can buy anything guys, " Brandon says and we all take a sigh of relief.

"How did I not know that?" I say.

"We talked like twice in two months," he calls me out. "And you only talked about that Derek."

I gasp jokingly at this public humiliation. "I didn't, guys, I swear. I talked about other boys too."

"Yeah the drug dealer that was arrested and terrorizing your friends," Brandon says.

"What drug dealer?" Cyprian asks a bit out of place.

How does he not know? Did Nicole not tell him in these three months?

Felix is gone anyway, he can't hurt us anymore.

"It's a long story," Nicole says and Cyprian doesn't insist.

"So, can we call you Cyp? 'Cuz we give everyone a nickname here," Irenè says.

"Chip sounds better," I say.

"It's a dog name," Irene says.

"Everything is a dog name to you," I laugh.

"I'll go with Chip," he says as he looks at me for a few too long awkward seconds.

Is everything okay between him and Nicole?

I grab my jacket. "Well, let's get some drinks," I tell Brandon.

"Ohh, don't makeout in the car," Dominic says.

"'Ohh' shut up," I mock him.

Brandon and I go to his car and I get in the passenger side. I still have a fake ID but I'll probably stay in the car. Maybe they've gotten better at catching fake IDs.

Soon we reach the convenience store and when he leaves the car and I don't take off my seat belt, he opens the car door again.

"Wait, aren't you coming?" he asks.

"To be honest, I just wanted to leave the house for a bit. I've been constantly helping Shanice the whole evening."

"Okay, but come with me anyway," he says and I nod.

I follow him inside the convenience store and the cashier stares at us while we make our way towards the alcohol aisle.

This feels a bit too similar to the same moment two years ago when I lost Derek. But this is what I think every time I step foot into a convenience store.

"This dude is staring at us a bit too much," I whisper to Brandon as he picks up a few vodka bottles.

"What?"

He seems so caught up in his alcohol shopping as if it's groceries.

"What alcohol do you think they want?" he asks, completely forgetting about the cashier.

"Ugh, I don't know. Beer, vodka, whiskey, anything that gets us drunk faster."

"Are you going to drink?" Brandon asks me.

I shouldn't. But I know I will. I always do. I didn't drink for months and I miss it, certainly after the shitty situation with Derek.

I check if the cashier is still staring at us and I notice him lurking at my ass.

Well... I guess that's why he was staring in the first place. I'm an idiot.

I always think someone is out to murder me, no, they are just being the typical male creatures they are.

Of course Brandon didn't notice. Men never notice this. They do it to us.

Why am I angry? Is it because the cashier is way above fifty years old? Is it because he is a man? Is it because he is staring without looking away? Is it because I never feel safe?

I'm going insane.

One bad look and I'm annoyed. One stupid word and I'm ready to fight. Will I always live like this? Derek kept me grounded but I know I need to find this within myself.

I don't know if there is even anything stable in my brain.

After we get all the alcohol we need, we go to the cash register.

"Can you even afford this, kids?" The cashier asks and I chuckle annoyed.

Would we be buying if we couldn't?

"You, ID," he says to me and I furrow my eyebrows. Even Brandon is surprised.

Brandon is buying alcohol but he asks for my ID?!

I look through my purse for my fake ID and I realize I can't find it.

Fuck. I should have stayed in the car.

I find it in the purse, it fell out of the wallet.

My hands are shaking and I know I look suspicious right now.

I hand him the fake ID and he snatches it from my hand as if he is about to rip it apart.

"It says you are from Alabama."

"Yeah... because I'm from there."

"You are not from Alabama." And just like that, he takes a pair of scissors and cuts my ID.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Brandon intervenes.

"Get out of here, kids, before I call the cops," he threatens us and I shake my head in disbelief.

"Just give him your ID," I say to Brandon.

He puts down the alcohol, almost throwing it on the cash register.

Brandon grabs my hand and he whispers, "leave it."

We walk back to the car and I deeply regret going inside the store.

"Can this day get any worse?" I ask annoyed.

Probably shouldn't say that, it can absolutely get worse.

"Don't worry, let's go to another store and I'll buy the alcohol alone."

We should have done this from the start, hell, I should have stayed at Shanice's house.

Soon we arrive at another convenience store and I stay in the car, putting some music on the low volume.

He will be back any time now. I notice I got tons of messages from Nicole and Dominic asking me if I'm alive and why is it taking me so long.

I send them a text explaining what happened when I suddenly hear a noise.

Footsteps. Loud food steps.

My heart races but the sound stops immediately. I am afraid to even look out the window.

I freeze, hoping the time stops with me.

Complete utter silence.

I finally gather the courage to look at the side-view mirror. I move my head to the right, pressing it against the window to see better.

Nothing. The area is pretty well lit and there is absolutely no other car here. No person either.

I don't see Brandon in the convenience store but that makes sense considering how small and how few windows it has this store has.

My heart is still banging against my ribcage.

That noise was weird. Or maybe I'm hallucinating.

I slept like shit these three months, sometimes I stay up the whole night.

Suddenly the store door opens and Brandon comes out with a full bag of alcohol bottles.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

Wait, what if we are still in danger?!

I'm going insane.

I want him to walk faster, I want us to leave this place. It's so unsettling. I don't know what I heard before but I know I don't wanna be here to find out.

He opens the car door a bit harder than usual and I flinch.

"Are you okay?" he asks when he notices how fucking afraid I am.

"Please, just drive," I say and he seems to get nervous more than me now.

He puts the bag on the seat behind and he turns on the engine, leaving out of the parking lot.

Only when we are on the street, I can finally feel my heart beating normally.

"Can you tell me what happened?" he asks once he notices me calming down.

"I heard loud footsteps while you were still inside the store, and they stopped quickly as if that person disappeared," I explain frantically.

"So? It could have been anyone."

"But I checked. There was no one."

~

"You guys, you are finally back I was genuinely starting to get worried," Dominic exclaims as he hugs me, but I still feel weird.

Brandon thought I was going insane and completely disregarded my paranoia.

Dom breaks the hug quickly. "Where is the alcohol?"

"Here," Brandon gives him the bag.

I notice that most of the people Shanice invited are already here.

This must be the most chill party I've ever been to, but it seems fun anyway. Especially now that I'm about to drink some vodka on an empty stomach.

I promised myself this would be the last party and alcohol I'd have because the exams start very soon and I just want a break.

I pour myself a bit of vodka mixed with coke and I drink all of it, without breaks.

Other people arrive as Nicole, Dominic, Cyprian, Shanice, Irène, Brandon and I sit in the second living room. No one is here yet to ruin our fun.

"How do you even afford this?" I ask.

"My parents bought it for me," Shanice replies nonchalantly.

How can people even be this rich? My income used to be average before my dad died but now my mom is struggling. I can't wrap my head around this kind of wealth. She changed three houses since I met her and it doesn't phase her at all, while the only reason why I have a functional car is that Irene and Derek bought it for me. Sad. I feel weird whenever I drive it and I still can't find a part-time job.

At least I have a roof over my head, I'll always appreciate what my adoptive parents did for me, but sometimes I wish for more.

Nicole kisses Cyprian and we all cheer them up. They were distant the whole night but since I came back they seem normal again.

Dominic takes a picture of them and I laugh. I never realized how many secret pictures he took, sometimes I'm glad for he does this.

"Wait, we want a picture as a reminder too," Irène says as she hands me her phone.

I open the camera app ready to take a picture of them.

Suddenly Shanice cups Irene's face and kisses her as I take the picture.

I thought they would just hug or something, considering how secretive Shanice is about it.

"If you tell anyone, I'll fuck y'all up," she says to Brandon and Cyprian as she grabs the phone out of my hand.

"Cute pic," Irène says.

She is more afraid of her family than other people, if it was for her, she would have come out the moment they started dating. The problem is that her parents would eventually find out and disown her.

When she confessed this to Nicole and me, we comforted her. We said they wouldn't disown her but we quickly changed our minds when she told us how her parents were about to disown her because she didn't wanna take the virginity test, basically if the hymen is still intact...

It was shocking to hear that, considering how inaccurate the test is too, but her parents are extremely religious and they only think a woman's worth is based on whether she had sex or not.

~

"Do you want a joint?" Dominic asks as he hands me one but I refuse.

"I'm three and half months clean."

"I've never stopped smoking weed, there isn't anything bad with it." He takes a deep hit from it. "It makes me a better person."

"Don't you think you shouldn't encourage an ex-drug addict?" Nicole asks, evidently annoyed.

It's so weird to be called a drug addict. I don't think I ever accepted that I was addicted to cocaine, even when I was put into rehabilitation.

Dominic leaves his half-finished joint on the table as he stands up and goes to the kitchen to grab more alcohol.

I like to think that Derek would be upset at Dom's tentatives to make me 'relapse' but I know he is so drunk and he just can't understand my ex addiction. For some people, drugs never click that way, especially weed. It never makes them destroy themselves with it. For him, it's purely recreational.

Everything I did two years ago was an indirect suicide attempt, hoping that one day cocaine, weed, cigarettes, and alcohol would take me down. It almost did.

Even love is addicting to me, I don't think I ever deal with things the normal way. Other people function as human beings the same way whenever they love or enjoy something, but that's never been my case.

Everything I do consumes me, and I can't have it any other way.

It's the same way with Derek, somehow I am dependent and fixated on him, but it's more real than anything else because it doesn't go away. Not even when I consumed that love and myself, it stayed there even when I thought I lost him forever.

"Earth to Ronnie," Brandon says and I snap out of my mental trip.

I get lost in my thoughts so many times and it's hard to bring me back.

He sits near me and he touches my necklace with Derek's initial on it. I've never removed it and Derek was surprised by this too.

"Is it from Derek?" he asks with no emotion in his voice. No jealousy or happiness, just trying to make conversation.

"Yeah. He gave it to me two years ago."

"Every guy prays to find a girl as loyal as you, then," he jokes.

"Believe me when I say that most girls would kill for a man like Derek," I add.

I know I've been loyal, in a weird way to Derek because it felt like the only right choice. I never felt like kissing someone else, the spark was never there. I'm not better than any other girl, in fact other girls are way better than I could ever be.

"Will you move on if he doesn't come back?"

I think about what he asked. It's a reasonable question. It wouldn't be the first time Derek left but this time was willingly.

Perhaps some part of me wishes I could move on, and that I could say yes to this question... but I know that's not true and it's not up to me.

The heart wants what it wants.