Three months later

Ironic enough, Felix was arrested a week after Derek left Atlanta.

I should have been happier, but I wasn't. I cried every day once I realized Derek wouldn't be coming back and the worst part is that he blames himself as much as I blame myself. He doesn't want to be with me because he is sure he isn't good enough, that he could never protect me and that he ruined my life.

He can't understand that my life was ruined before it even began.

He thinks he did the best thing he could do when he left me, us. But it hurt me more, knowing that he had constant nightmares about me dying, knowing that he feels so fucking alone and he hates himself, he blames himself when it's not even his fault.

It's already March and I haven't heard from him since that night. Neither have Shanice and Dominic. I desperately tried to find him, to get his address in his parents' city, but I couldn't find anything.

I laugh when I think about what I told him. That I would move on and that I hoped it would him worse than he hurt me. That night he recalled everything and he told me what he really thought in that moment.

What I don't laugh about is his response:

"I deserve that and worse."

~

The tip of the knife grazes against my skin and I shudder.

"Please, don't do it, please," I beg him to rethink his decision but I know what's going to come.

Derek looks at me hopelessly and defeated, his hands tied behind his back.

The ugly man raises his knife and the world stops. Everything is in slow motion and I don't see anything other than Derek's horrified face as he realizes that I'm about to get stabbed to death and he can't help me.

The time fastens and the man turns his gaze from me and without any remorse, stabs Derek in the chest.

I scream.

Over and over again, he keeps stabbing until there is nothing left to stab.

I yell at him to stop, I beg him. I offer him to torture me instead but I know it's too late.

And I'm next.

I wake up screaming and crying, my whole body covered in a cold sweat. Someone turns on the lights and I can't stop shaking.

Nicole is saying something to me but I can't understand her. I can't breathe.

Veronica, breathe, a voice says.

How do I breathe? I raise my chest, I try to just breathe in but I can't. The world is sucked out of air and I know I'm having a panic attack.

Everything darkens and I pray I don't go back there.

When I wake up again, I know it was just a nightmare. A stupid traumatic nightmare. This is nothing new. I've never stopped having them and they always feel so real.

The worst part is that I feel like it's my intuition that something bad is going to happen. The more Derek stays away from me the more I fear for his life. I know he must be fine, I know he can take care of himself but I have this weird gut feeling that something horrible will happen to him.

And it's all I ever think about.

"Veronica, are you okay?" Nicole asks and I nod.

But I'm not okay. What can I even tell her? Admitting how miserable and hurt I am doesn't change the simple fact that I'm always going to feel this way. Acknowledging the truth doesn't make it easier to withstand the torture in my mind.

"I just.. had a bad dream."

"About what?" she asks worried.

"My... dad. But don't worry. It was just a dream."

It was just a dream...

~

Life moves on. No one waits for you to be ready. I will keep acting like everything is okay and it will be fine. I don't have to be ready, I just have to make others think I am.

The next class is in one hour but Nicole decided to go to the cafeteria first. Her psychology class is immediately after mine.

When we walk into the cafeteria, the first person I think of is Irène. I miss her. She made everything more fun. It's weird sleeping in the dormitory without her, but I know Nicole is happier.

Irène and I didn't talk much after she pulled that stupid revenge. She doesn't understand my point and I don't understand hers, and that is fine with her as long as I stop annoying her. At least Nathan got expelled.

I sit down with Nicole after we pay for lunch. Mashed potatoes with green beans.

I miss my mom's food but this will do, at least until spring break which is only two weeks away.

"How's it going with that guy... what's even his name?" I ask as I eat the mashed potatoes.

Seasoning, for fuck's sake. Season the fucking potato.

I paid fifteen dollars for this and I swear I was better off with instant noodles.

Nicole eats slowly. "His name is Cyprian.  It's going pretty well," she says.

She puts down the fork. "The thing is... he is so familiar and I can't understand where I know him from. It's weird."

"It is weird, indeed. Is he 20?" I ask as I finish my green beans.

"No, he is your age. I kind of like him but I need to find out more. I'm going on a date with him tomorrow!" She seems so excited about him, but still careful.

"Good girl," I say. At least she is more guarded about her heart now. She hasn't had any hookups like she originally intended and I guess it was better for her. She doesn't know how to handle any attention from a boy, she might just end up in love with them even if they hurt her.

I should talk to this guy. Maybe she actually knows him from somewhere.

Shanice puts her tray on the table and sits near me.

"Oh, hi!" Nicole greets her and I look a bit confused.

It's not like we hate each other but we just don't interact as much.

But I guess she found new friends when Antonia stopped hanging out with her.

I haven't seen Antonia much since Derek left, but I know he doesn't keep in contact with her either.

Two months ago

I search for my Business and Management textbook when someone knocks on the door.

"Yeah?"

It's not Nicole for sure.

Antonia peeks through the door and she asks, "can I come?"

"Why?" I furrow my eyebrows as I put down the notebook I just found.

"I wanna talk to you."

"Why do you think I want to listen?"

I'm not even trying to be rude, it's not that I don't like her. It's just that she is invisible to me.

"I was wondering..." she scratches her head. "Uhm..."

I stare at her annoyed, hoping she just leaves. I hope she isn't here for Derek-

"I was wondering whether you know something about Derek?"

Oh, hell, no. The nerve to come to me to talk about him after being so fake and snarky with Nicole and me.

"What makes you think I know anything about him?" I ask nonchalantly.

"Because you obviously care?"

"He is gone, love, find someone else," I mutter as I open the notebook and I notice a little heart on the first page and V + D written near it.

Now

"Do you mind if I sit here?" Shanice asks us and I shake my head.

I know we had a rough past but everything calmed down after we were all pretty much kidnapped and in danger.

"I'm throwing a party... of course," she chuckles. "And I want to invite you."

"When?" I ask after I finish my coke soda.

"Next Friday."

"I actually already know about the party and I'm coming with Cyprian," Nicole says.

"Oh, Cyprian, you love birds. I love it. Okay, are you coming Ronnie?" Shanice asks.

Well, hearing her say Ronnie is still weird.

"Yeah, I guess, maybe. I'll decide next week," I reply. It's Friday today so I have a week to decide.

"Will Irène be there?" Nicole asks a bit annoyed.

"Yeah, we are dating," she whispers and I almost spit out my Coke.

"Really? That's good news."

"I'm keeping it a secret though. You know... my parents. I just don't feel comfortable coming out now. And it's not like everyone has to know my private business."

"I completely understand. You know we won't tell anyone. Is it like serious?" Nicole asks.

"Yes. I think so."

Now I really want to talk to Irène. I know she isn't the serious type and I hope she isn't playing Shanice... but again, it's been three months. Someone can change a lot in that time.

"Does she miss college?" I ask.

"She says she is okay with it but I don't think so. I feel like it really affects her. Or maybe it's something else," Shanice says as she eats a slice of cold pizza.

Oh... maybe it's that "I killed my sister" thing she told me about. I really should talk to her.

I look at the time and I notice it's already late. My class starts in two minutes.

"Ehm..." I don't know how to ask her without being too invasive. "Have you heard from Derek? I just want to know he is okay."

She looks away for a second.

"No," she pauses. "But he is okay, don't worry. He can take care of himself."

Why don't I believe her?

I walk out of the cafeteria. I'm pretty much late. Let's hope the professor still lets me join.

I take out my phone from my pocket as I walk across the campus. It's pretty empty compared to other days.

When I reach the other hall, I stop for a few seconds to look at my phone. Scrolling up on a few texts sent from Derek from months ago.

When I call him, it doesn't say the number is unreachable, it rings until the end, so this is how I know he sees all my calls and ignores them. I always try to call him once a week or once in two weeks. I don't want to annoy him... I just want to know he is alive.

When I try to put the phone back in my pocket, it slips and falls on the ground.

"Well, fuck," I say as I kneel to grab the phone hoping I didn't break the screen.

My eyes fall on the guy behind me, kneeling at the same time as I do. His hand touches the ground as if he is looking for something, but there is nothing there.

I look at my phone's screen hoping it's not broken and luckily it's okay.

Before I enter the hall, I look behind again.

The guy is gone.

He disappeared so quickly. I scan the area for where he could have gone but I don't understand... there is no one near me anymore and he couldn't have disappeared that fast.

"Whatever," I mumble to myself. Just a coincidence. He could have gone anywhere.

I've become so paranoid since all that happened to me. I'm wary of everyone who breathes within a mile near me. I always second guess every guy and I never trust anyone.

Some people would say it's better for my safety, but I just feel like it ruined me.