I walk outside with a cup of water in my hand, hoping that it helps with my horrible nausea from so much alcohol.

Nicole leans against the wall and she doesn't notice me as she is caught up by the pretty boy talking to her. I've never seen him around here. I hope it's safe.

What happened to me made me very protective of other girls, I don't know what I would do if something bad happened to Nicole.

I walk past them, still trying to figure out if he is from our college. He is of average height and skinny, but Nicole's short height makes him look giant.

He has his hoodie on—which is kind of weird but college guys usually do that around here—and I can only spot a few dark brown waves on his forehead. His skin is extremely fair.

At least I'm not the only one.

Nicole suddenly bursts out laughing and I wish I could hear what he said. I'm happy for her. She deserves this.

But why do I feel like there is something off?

Why am I like this? Why do I always sabotage everything and doubt everyone? It's not okay. I'm not okay.

Sometimes I wonder why Derek even liked me but I'm not surprised he stopped.

Nicole will go insane when she finds out I slept with him, but I know she ships us. I don't know if that makes me happy. It's bittersweet.

Irène comes towards me. I take a last glance at Nicole and she is already going back inside with the mysterious guy.

"Shanice is fucking insane, God," Irène yells.

"What happened this time..." I roll my eyes.

"I tried to hit on her and she was- offended."

This reminds me of when I caught Shanice kissing another girl and she begged me to never tell a soul. I never did, not even Nicole. It wasn't my place and I know Nicole can't keep a secret.

Somehow everyone knows Shanice likes girls too, but she hasn't openly admitted it, which is fine considering that her parents would disown her.

"Maybe you shouldn't force her? People are allowed to not like you."

"Force her? I just made one small comment and she misunderstood it and told me to never say that again."

"You should respect that," I spit. I am angry because I don't want to talk about this right now when I have a lot on my plate.

I can't stop thinking about Derek's hands on my skin and it's killing me.

I don't see him around here and I wonder what he's doing... is he regretting sleeping with me?

"I know she's a bisexual, she's just scared to admit it."

I shrug. "Even if she is, she doesn't have to admit it to you," I yell so I know for sure she can hear me even with the loud noise outside. I walk away from Irène before she uselessly defends herself.

Sometimes she annoys me too much and her behavior is borderline creepy.

I touch my necklace and I can't stop thinking about him. I wonder if he saw I was still wearing his gift years later. But of course he did, Derek always notices everything.

A thought of him coming back and kissing me flashes my mind, dying for the hope that he isn't regretting it, that I am only regretting it if he is. I hate myself for daydreaming this and I know it will just end up hurting me more. Dreams are only good until you snap out of them.

I want to go home but I'm still drunk, and I didn't come in my car so no help. I doubt Dominic would leave that soon.

Derek can't leave too, and I bet he wants to. He usually never loses himself like today. He is the responsible one. He smoked a joint because of me, and he drank more because of me.

I walk back inside. I don't want to see him but it's too cold and I don't know what to do.

When I walk inside, I first see Dominic laying on the sofa, absolutely mindlessly intoxicated. Perfect. No way of me leaving this place before 6 am. I also can't leave Nicole here drunk, especially not with that boy I don't know.

I just need to rest until Dominic gets sober. I need time to think about what just happened and how much it will hurt when he ignores me for months.

When I leave Dominic on the sofa and go to the hall—nervous about meeting Derek again.

I knock on a few doors before going in, now people are getting it on or throwing up in different bedrooms.

I find the room close to the one where I was with Derek, but he won't know I'm here, also pretty sure he fell asleep considering his sleepy behavior by the time we finished.

Finished. I can't even phantom that we indeed fucked. Was I imagining stuff like I always do?

After knocking a few times and no one responds—hopefully, they aren't passed out and drunk—I open the door.

I suddenly stop myself from walking inside when I hear a woman laughing shortly in the other room.

I know that laughter. I feel like it's a deja-vu each time and it never hurts less. The door to the room where Derek fucked me just thirty minutes.

The door cracks open and I look at it, my nerves growing.

Antonia comes out of the room and I can't see her face but I could recognize her from miles away, her long straight brown hair reaching her lower back and her slender figure.

She doesn't see me immediately and I know I am going to do something I'll regret. My heart is pounding against my rib cage and I know I'm going to do something I'll regret.

She was there with him... after me?

I feel sick to my stomach and suddenly I want to throw up everything I ever drank and ate.

Antonia notices me but I'm sure I must look... terrifyingly angry and sad.

Her face is neutral, she doesn't say anything as she walks past me. What is that supposed to mean? I'm used to snarky comments, especially coming from women who hit on Derek.

When she walks away, I get in my room and I slam the door harshly. The walls shake as I collapse on the bed.

I'd cry but I'm too tired, I don't know what to do. It feels like everything I do is wrong, every decision is the wrong one. I feel like I have no right to be sad. He was done with me and I decided to sleep with him, of course he can move on right after. He doesn't owe me anything. But it still hurts.

And what man has the energy to fuck someone else less than an hour later? The most I went with Derek when we were together was two times in a row the same night but we "waited" thirty minutes.

To clarify, he went down on me before he was ready again.

I fall asleep on my side hoping to not vomit because of the insane amount of alcohol.

Not even long after, I wake up almost throwing up in the bed and gagging, but luckily I keep it inside of my mouth until I run to the bathroom.

My body is covered in cold sweat and I'm shivering. I can still hear the music but everything is quieter. Maybe everyone fell asleep.

I don't close the bathroom door as I make it on time to vomit in the toilet. The horrible smell of alcohol overtakes the room but I feel better after vomiting most of it.

Is Derek okay? I don't think he had more alcohol than me but he doesn't usually drink... should I check on him?

I clean my mouth several times and I try to get rid of that vomit taste in my throat as a I gargle my mouth with more water.

I walk to the room where I was with Derek and I slowly open the door, unsure if I should knock and wake him up.

Maybe he already left?

I quickly spot him laying on the bed with his face down when the light from the hall penetrates the room. He doesn't even flinch.

Derek looks absolutely miserable but peaceful. He looks really cute when he sleeps. At least he is alive.

He is still out, but at least he is wearing his pants now. That's probably the only thing he did when I left.

I look around the room and I notice everything is like how I left it, even the bed and the blanket. Exactly the same.

No way he slept with Antonia. I know him better than anyone, even if he doesn't want to be with me, he respects me. He respects pretty much everyone.

He didn't ask me to leave but I did and somewhat blamed it on him. Should I try to talk to him tomorrow?

Derek moves a bit and he covers his eyes with his hand as he tries to hide from the light. I stare at him sleeping for a few more seconds and then I slowly close the door but I wince when Nicole calls my name louder than she should have. I turn towards her and gesture to her to be quiet.

Derek shifts in his bed and I close the door fully. The last thing I want is him to know I came back here, especially staring at him when he is sleeping.

"What happened?" I whisper as I walk towards Nicole.

"Dominic keeps vomiting everywhere!"

Oh, God. "Let's go."

We walk to the living room and just like she said, Dominic isn't doing exactly fine and everyone is trying to steer clear from him.

I help him get up and he smells like shit. We accompany him to the bathroom and we hand him another shirt.

"I feel like a baby," he slurs absentmindedly.

"You are," I scold him playfully. I couldn't count on my fingers all the times he helped me while I was drunk as hell, let alone all the times he had to pick me up.

"Drink this." I hand him a bottle of water and when he chugs on it, most of the water spills on his shirt and chin.

Dude.

"I said drink."

"I wanna go home," Nicole whined.

"And do you think he is going to drive us?"

"I am sober, I c- can drive," Dominic added after he splashed his face with hot water. Somehow I assume he wanted to get the cold water but he is too inebriated to notice.

I'd be less dangerous driving than him, and that says a lot.

"Have you seen Derek- wait, yes, since you slept with him," Dominic exclaims and I try to cover his mouth but it's already late. Nicole now knows. But how the hell does Dominic know that? They have a weird bond.

"I didn't! I would never, ever do that," I lie hoping to sound convincing.

Nicole is staring at me.

"What about that boy you were talking to?" I ask.

She shrugs. "Oh, he is just a random guy I just met."

When we leave the bathroom after Dominic vomited everything just like I did, he keeps asking about the others.

I don't know where Shanice and Irène are and I'm not sure I want to find out. Regarding Derek, I hope he sleeps there for a long time. At least until we leave.

I don't want to do the walking of shame as the sun rises and we spot each other in the house we reconciled our bodies.

We should call a cab.

I ask Dominic for his car keys so I can grab the wallet and my bag. We chill in the car until our cab arrives—which took way longer than necessary—but we are drunk and it's more expensive at night.

"Should we leave Irène there?"

I nod. She is probably still trying it on Shanice, plus it's Shanice's house. It's safe.

"But seriously where is Derek?" Nicole asks worried and I roll my eyes.

I don't want to let them know the truth but I'd feel horrible for leaving him there in that way.

"Derek is in a room on the first floor, he was sleeping last time I accidentally saw him."

"He must be drunk as fuck," Dominic added.

"Yeah." I laugh. "He was-" I suddenly stop and I remember I'm not supposed to know that.

"Let's get him before the cab comes."

I sigh extremely loud.

We walk back inside and only with the help of three people we manage to carry Derek. He isn't even talking, he only mumbles.

"Where you taking me..."

I don't even know. We can't go back to campus yet and Dominic lives far. But I know my mom isn't home since she is spending New Years's Eve with grandma which is several hours away.

Should I take us all to my home? My mom won't notice anything...

When the cab arrives, I tell him my address.

I sit in the back near Derek and he keeps falling on me, I could swear he is doing it on purpose.

I hold Derek with my other hand and I try to not move him too much. I wouldn't want him to throw up on me.

We are almost near my house and I notice the lights are all off. Good. My mom is not home.

I don't have many rooms and if we sleep in my mom's room, she will smell the Al alcohol from miles away, even if I change the sheets and open a window. It will be harder to get any of them out of her room if they don't wake up, I'd have to change the sheets before 10 am and I am so sleepy I doubt I'll wake up.

I prepare some blankets and I can't even keep my eyes open anymore. I'm exhausted. I just want to rest.

"We will sleep in my room, my mom expected me to come back drunk so it's fine."

"Four people on one bed?" Dominic asks.

I look at Derek and he is barely leaning on Dominic. Outside it still looks dark and Dominic throws Derek on my bed.

He hasn't been here in ages...

No flashbacks. Stop. I don't need this right now.

"It's not that small. Take these," I hand him a few blankets. "Sleep on the floor."

"It's cold!" Dominic protests.

"Suck it up, you drank vodka."

Dominic lays on the floor, still drunk as he only puts the blanket over himself and throws away the other. He should have put the second one on the floor...

I lock the door. I put the alarm for 9 am so we have time to get Derek out of here.

My bed isn't that small and I'm laying on the side while I can feel someone's feet pushing my back. Nicole's hair is on my face and not long after Dominic throws himself on us.

"Ouch!" I yell but he laughs.

This isn't a bed for four.

Let's hope I don't see Derek when we wake up and Dominic takes care of him.

I never thought I'd get in this situation.

I can't fall asleep despite how tired I am because I keep feeling Derek's aftershave and the strong smell of marijuana mused with whiskey.

When my hand moves because it becomes too numb, I slightly graze it over someone's arm. I am pretty sure it's Derek's arm because I know every inch of him and I could even recognize him by his fingers.

Fingers.

I move the arm away and I try to squeeze myself between all those people. I shut my eyes.

"Veronica..." Suddenly someone whispering my name forces me to open my eyes and I look around the pitch dark room, then I try to move my hand on the bed but I just touch random body parts. Did someone call me?

I should have kept the light on but Dominic forced me not to.

One of the corpses—because that's what they feel like—keeps moving near me and panting significantly harder. Derek is having a nightmare?

My hand grazes over Derek's arm again and he mumbled my name and I wasn't crazy.

Dominic and Nicole are sleeping already.

I move my hand up and down on Derek's arm—or at least I hope it's his arm—and I try to calm him down. He is still shifting as he mumbles things I don't understand—but he is slowly calming down.

His hand somehow reaches mine and I intertwine my fingers with his. Just tonight.

It means nothing. I'm helping him sleep and he doesn't even know what is happening. It'll be long forgotten tomorrow.