Author's note: this chapter is the longest ever in Gone Girl, 3613 words and I promise it's worth reading it till the end!
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Veronica's POV

I can't attend classes until Wednesday when they decide how much to suspend me for. This could also depend entirely on Shanice, she wasn't hurt ten minutes later, so I guess she was just pretending. I doubt I even hurt her that bad, we were more bruised from falling.

Before I never thought I was a troublemaker, the kind of person who picks fights randomly—in this case, it wasn't as random—regardless, I realize how much I truly changed from a few years ago. And not in a better way.

I don't even want to go back to my dorm, it's 7 PM and I know I should leave to my mom's house until they decide, and probably after too. I'm not excited to go back home—which is barely one hour away thus to me picking the nearest college—because I know she will be disappointed in me. The college didn't contact her first but again, it happened only a few hours ago.

I changed out of the clothes drenched in coffee, but I didn't take a shower and I should probably go now since it will be late when I get home to my mom.

I can just borrow the shampoo from any other girl there, I don't want to see Nicole or Irène right now. I also have a few towels in my car. I brought most of the stuff to my dorm but I have some spare stuff in the trunk of my car in case of emergency.

I start walking towards the exit of the hall and I get so absorbed in my thoughts that I don't realize someone is calling my name.

"Wait!" Alexander yells as he runs to me. Only now I'm aware of how fast I was walking.

I stop and turn around. I've been looking for him for days and he was ignoring me, now I'm not in the mood to talk about the embarrassing shit I did that night at the party.

"Wow, where have you been?" I ask sarcastically.

"Come on, Ronny, I was really busy. But I need to show you something."

"I really have to go... you know what happened today with Shanice, or maybe you were too busy." I roll my eyes.

"I know. And you need to see this, it's time to find out what kind of people you have near you." He grabs my wrist.

I furrow my eyebrows and I let him guide me to wherever he goes.

A few moments later I notice we are going back to the dorms, maybe his place?

I abruptly stop and snatch my wrist from his hold.

"First tell me what the fuck happened that night. I remember some stuff... but everything is cloudy."

"There isn't time, you need to see this."

"No, tell me now or I'm going home."

"You are going home?" He stops for a few seconds, seemingly forgetting what he wanted to show me.

"Yes, they are going to suspend me anyway. I want to tell my mom." I take a deep breath. "Now tell me the truth."

He sighs deeply. "Fine." He pauses for a few seconds. God, he is so dramatic. "You were drunk, literally almost passed out, I don't even know how you got to your car and left to Dom's apartment, I tried to stop you but you didn't want to listen to me. So you started driving drunk-"

I mentally scold myself for being so careless. It's stupidly wrong to drive drunk, especially considering how fucking unconscious I was.

"Not this. I meant what happened between us in the room."

He furrows his eyebrows for a second and he seems worried but quickly composes himself.

"Nothing happened?" His answer seems more like a question, something tells me he is lying. I know I was drunk but I wasn't as drunk as he said and he did not try to stop me when I left.

"Yes, it did. You told me we are friends or something along the lines and then you tried to kiss me," I raise my tone but I get a bit embarrassed after I finish the sentence. What if it's not true and I am imagining things? I need to know what I did that night so I can know if I did something stupid when I went to Dom's apartment and saw Derek, I remember nothing of that besides seeing him for the first time in ages.

"That... never happened, Veronica. What are you saying? Do you think I would do that?"

"I- I don't know, I didn't think so. But again, I didn't think so about many things," I mutter confused as I look around to notice if someone is here. My dorm is down the hall but we are also near the stairs.

"You know I would never do that, it kinda hurts me to know that you think I'm so insensitive. I know you aren't ready after what happened with Derek- oh and, I really need to show you that thing now." He changes the subject so quickly I can't even process what he told me, I feel like I'm going crazy. How did I even end up so drunk? I was completely out of my mind and I know I always tried being careful- so how did it happen? How did I imagine such weird things?

"Wait, so nothing happened? I know I went to Dominic but I can't remember anything else-" I interrupt myself, "did you know Derek is out of prison?"

"Oh, I know now." He smirks and I look at him puzzled, not understanding what he means.

"And no, Ronny, nothing happened. Perhaps you wanted something to happen?" He gets closer to me than he should be and I freeze.

"Huh-" I scoff. "You know that's not true, that's not true at all."

"Listen, I understand you, and everything you've gone through with Derek, but maybe it's time to see past that?" He is now so close to my face that I can hear him whisper, "Derek doesn't deserve you." He takes my wrist way more forcefully than I expected and for a few seconds, my mind stops processing what is happening and how to move away. How did it go from 'I understand you' to this?

I try to free myself from his hold but he is holding it too tight.

He turns his head to look towards where my dorm is—his body is blocking my view—and before I can see what he is looking at, he kisses me. A full-blown kiss, I try to push him away and place my hands on his chest and I push him as hard as I can. He doesn't move more than an inch, I turn my face away from him trying to get as far as I can get but he finally stops and smiles.

I look at him terrified. I can't move. He turns around to look at that point where he was looking before and because of him standing right in my way I still can't see anything.

Alex turns his back on me and I step sideways, allowing myself to finally see who is standing in front of us.

"Woah, I didn't expect this at all," Irenè jokes as if I even wanted to kiss Alex, it must have seemed like that to them.

Nicole is with them and looks just as shocked as Derek, she doesn't say a word.

My eyes fall on Derek soon after, he looks... he looks disappointed and disgusted. I try to speak but Alex puts an arm around my waist and brings me closer to him. When I open my mouth to talk, he laughs.

"Sorry guys, we got carried away-"

"What are you saying?! It's not true. We didn't kiss-" Alexander's fingers are digging into my skin and I gulp down hard. Derek's expression doesn't seem to change at all. I free myself from Alex's hold and I walk towards Derek.

"What are you even doing here... with Irène and Nicole?"

He wouldn't talk to me yet he came here to talk to them? How long has this been going on?

My cheeks are flushed and my head hurts from how many things are happening. I find it hard to process this is real and that Alex did this to me... he harassed me. I can still feel his hands on my back, then when he cupped my face and didn't let go, even though he knew I didn't want it-

I blink away the tears, confused, devastated. I don't understand what is happening, why are they here... why would Alex do this to me.

"I just came here and I saw Irène and Derek talking," Nicole adds and I look at her hurt. What is Irène doing with him?! He was mad at her too.

I glance back at Derek and he isn't even looking at me, he looks hurt. But didn't he tell me to move on? Didn't he push me away? Although I didn't move on at all, and he doesn't believe that. He of course believes I'm a liar and that I never cared about him, especially because I did indeed fuck Alex once and he saw us.

Why would anyone believe otherwise when I brought this all on myself? It's always my fault, it's always my fault when something happens to me.

A few tears roll down my cheeks.

"Why would you do that, Alex?" I turn towards him and he shrugs.

"Do what? What we've been doing every day for a year?" He smirks and I look at him in bewilderment. "Are you upset you just got caught?"

I scoff exasperated and Irène laughs loudly. Derek looks even more disappointing and Nicole just sighs.

"You liar!" I yell at Alex. "Why would you say this? It's not fucking true and you know it."

But I know no one believes me, because I know what it seems like and how everyone always expects the worse from me.

I still don't understand why Derek is talking to them, why is he here.... what if, what if he was here for me? Maybe he wanted to forgive me, to get back with me.

But now he for sure doesn't want to see my face ever again.

I run towards the stairs, taking them as fast as I can. Fuck the shower. I'm going home.

I hear Nicole calling out my name but I'm downstairs before she reaches me. I run outside to the parking lots and I don't look back, I don't stop at all until I reach my car.

The car makes a beeping sound when I press the keys and I get inside as fast as I can and I don't look back.

All the tears I was holding back, come rolling down my cheeks. I leave the parking spot and I'm lucky there isn't traffic at all today, it's only Monday.

With my hands on the steering wheel, I continue crying and I sometimes brush my tears away when it gets too blurry. I'm not trying to kill anyone on the streets.

I feel disgusted by myself, disgusted that I trusted Alex and he did what I've always been afraid of since I was raped. Eventually, it got easier to not flinch when someone touched me but it's like he brought these memories back again.

I gulp down hard, thinking of how I always fuck it up. Derek didn't trust me before and now he won't ever trust me again. I knew he still cared by the way he was visibly hurt and maybe jealous by that horrible sight—Alex kissing me—, but I know for sure it's all over now. The smallest inch of care he had for me, disappeared.

I'm in pain, I don't know why he was talking to them and I hate that he went to them first, but what's the point anymore?

With one hand on the steering wheel, I search for my phone and I panic when I can't find it anywhere on me.

Fuck, I forgot the phone on campus. I can't even tell my mom I'm coming home although it's so late.

Thirty minutes left until I get there.

I can't help but wonder what Irène, Nicole, and especially Derek are doing right now.

How much I wish I just went to take a shower sooner and ignored Alex and just left.

Soon after, I get out of the highway and I can't believe how different yet similar this place looks. I haven't been here in only one month but it's still hard to think this is where I was born, where I was happy with both my adoptive parents, and where everything changed for the worse once I was raped and lost my dad months later. I still think it was my fault. Does the guilt ever go away? I regret everything except...

Except meeting Derek, even if I know I will never be with him again, I don't regret loving him.

I soon see the streets I walked every day for eighteen years, the parks I used to play in with other kids, my first kiss with Louis, my first crush, fighting with Nicole.

I see the old high school, it's barely 10 pm and all the lights are dim in the parking lot. I'm feeling so emotional, I can't help but love and hate this town.

I remember my first party, my first day at school when I cried in the bathroom and missed the first class because I felt disgusting—news flash, I still do—when Nicole was dating James, when I was missing Louis, when I met Derek for the first time and he was kind of a jerk but I was too, when I first smoked weed with him.

When my dad died because of that stupid party, my fault. When I ran away and let Felix use me- I gulp down hard and I push back the tears. When Derek came to my rescue again and again, when he finally kissed me and then everything changed between us. When I overdosed and almost died, when Nicole started dating Louis and when I first had sex with Derek, when he became my boyfriend. When I made peace with Nicole and when I lost Derek.

I brush away my tears with the sleeve of my top and I place both my hands on the steering wheel firmly. I drive past the school and I know I'm not far from my home now.

There is almost no traffic, this town seems mostly dead. I feel safer in a car-

Something jumps on the windscreen in front of my eyes and I lose control of the car when I abruptly turn my car to the left. I hit the brakes and it makes a thumping sound as it hits the back of the other car parked near the sidewalk.

I look out of the windows and I notice the cat that runs away scared but not visibly hurt. I can't believe she jumped on my windshield and she looks... fine.

But fuck, I hit this car instead. I don't have enough money for insurance. I sigh annoyed and take a piece of paper and a pen from the central console storage box and I write my number on it.

I don't close the doors as I get out of the car and I go to the quite nice looking car I hit, I look at the back of it and I notice it is slightly bent inward. I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize their car alarm didn't go off. My car is way more hit than theirs, the front bumper is sagging.

Well, I could only afford a cheap and shitty car but I'm not complaining.

I look closer to the front of my car and I see a lot of scratches. Then I turn around to check if anyone saw me.

Nothing, no one at all. I don't know why this town always seems to die at night. It feels almost abandoned.

I run my hand through my hair frustrated, I place the note on the windshield and I hope it won't fly away.

"I'm sorry I hit your nice car but luckily for you, my car looks way worse now. Here's my number and sorry again: 555-5555"

I didn't say the first part. I get back into the car and I drive away to my house. But the sagging front bumper is annoying.

I finally get home and I search for the keys in the car, where I put all my spare stuff. I'm lucky I found them, I usually lose everything.

I take the keys and I gently close my car door and I look around if there is any light.

I don't want to scare my mom. I hope she isn't asleep. She has been sleeping late since my dad died. I walk slowly to the door and I gently put the keys in and open it.

I tiptoe inside and I'm thinking of how I should wake her up-

The light is turned on in the kitchen and I feel better. At least I won't scare her too much, which I doubt. She is easily frightened and I know she didn't expect me to come at all.

I don't know if I should walk fast or slow? Which would scare her less? Or should I talk before? Like, say, 'mom I'm home!'

I hear laughter inside the kitchen and I recognize it's my mom's voice. Who is she with? Or is she laughing alone probably seeing some tv-series?

I burst into the kitchen and I quickly blurt out, "mom, I'm home."

But what I see is exactly what I didn't expect to see for at least five years.

My mom with another man, laughing and being close and intimate with him. They were embracing each other and abruptly broke the hug once she saw me.

I burst into tears, for the hundredth time today. "It's been barely a year since he died- and his birthday is soon, and y- you do that? I yell at her but it's all muffled by cries.

She stands up away from that man and she walks closer to me.

"It's not what it seems like, Ronny, I promise."

"It's not like it seems? Because it looks exactly like what it seems, you getting it on barely one year in after he died. The least you could have done was honor his death. Couldn't you even wait two years?" I take a deep shaky breath trying to stop more tears from falling but I fail.

The man stands up and mutters sorry as he leaves.

"You've been with him for thirty years, mom."

I knew Derek for a year and even I couldn't get over him in a year. How little do you have to care for someone to fuck someone else that fast? Very little, probably nothing at all.

"I was hurt, I wanted to move on."

I scoff, disappointed and disgusted. My dad would have stayed alone for his whole life. He loved her so much, deeply. He could have never looked at another woman the same, maybe he would have ended up dating someone else eventually after ten years but he would have always loved my mom.

For her, it's clearly not the same. I don't think my mom should die alone, not at all, but one year feels too soon and disrespectful. The wound is so fresh and his birthday should have been soon.

"You think it's so easy to move on if you truly loved him? Which I doubt anyway..." I turn my back on her and sniff the tears back.

I feel her hand on my shoulder and I shove it away. I don't want her to touch me.

"I will always love him, Ronny, you can't understand this kind of stuff-"

I interrupt her, "it seems like I understand it way more than you."

I slam the kitchen door and sprint to my car again.

I hear the door behind me and my mom runs to me, "please, sweetheart, wait."

I stop and I look at her, her eyes are swollen and red and despite everything, it pains me to see her this way.

She has a medium-size cardboard box in her hands and she looks down at it, sad.

"What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you but it's okay if you aren't ready now. Please take this, and come back to talk to me. I love you."

"What's in it?" I ask suspiciously.

"It's... it's all the times I wasn't honest."

I scoff. Must be filled with images of her kissing other men? Or wait, maybe another crazy lie 'to protect me'.

"Why did you come? I would have-"

I cut her off disgusted, "hid your side piece?"

She sighs. "No. I would have cooked for you and told you the truth."

"I will tell you the next time why I came here, which I doubt it's soon. I'm so tired mom, you have no idea how exhausted I am of not knowing the truth. This year everyone has been lying to me and I can't take it anymore."

She sighs, she seems to understand me. She hands me the box and I take it. It's heavy.