I hurriedly search for my keys through my purse. I accidentally drop them and I quickly grab them back before the elevator comes.

Derek is at his old apartment... I remember visiting that street almost every day when he got arrested.

I always expected to see something different, anything. But I never did.

Luckily it's not that far from here at all.

Thirty minutes later I reach the familiar address and I force myself to get out of the car. My hands are shaking as I slam the car door.

I take a shallow breath and every little step is painful. Mentally and physically.

Am I ready to see him? To prove to myself it wasn't all in my head? To see his disappointment one more time?

I look around and I notice there is nobody here, it's too early.

Is he home now?

I don't have any keys, and I don't want to call before even reaching his door.

I can wait for someone to come.

I walk back to the sidewalk.

One hour later an elder couple walks to the condo.

I walk right behind them and I pick up the phone.

"Yeah, I'm coming now," I pretend to be talking on the phone so they keep the door open for me as they enter.

"Thank you."

I take a breath of relief as they take the stairs and I check the time on my phone. 10 am.

I call the elevator which comes very fast and I can't help but start thinking about the countless times I went to his home. Every single small kiss. Every time we made love. When he told me he loves me and I didn't say it back.

My throat feels dry at the memories and I swallow the guilt. I can think about this later.

I press the fifth button and I wait nervously as the elevator beeps.

I'm here.

My heart starts beating fast and I take a few deep breaths before walking to his door.

When I am finally in front of his door, I look around, forcing myself to knock before I make it too hard for myself.

I knock softly against the door. Hoping he answers it without looking through the peephole.

A couple of seconds later, it opens.

Derek is standing in front of me. My knees go weak and I can tell by his shocked expression that he isn't feeling any better.

Tears threatening to escape from my eyes, it's inevitable.

He is wearing a plain oversized light blue shirt and black pants.

We look at each other for a few seconds and I have no idea what to say. Neither he does.

I do the first thing that crosses my mind.

He is home. He is safe. He is back with me and I can tell him how much I love him, how much I want to be with him, and how I will never act the way I did ever again.

I throw myself in his arms and I hug him.

"I-" I cannot speak, tears flood my cheeks and I silently cry as I embrace Derek.

His whole body stiffens up. He doesn't even touch me, I quickly realize I shouldn't have done that. There was a reason he wasn't speaking to me, and he didn't come to me.

He doesn't want to.

I rapidly break the hug as I can already feel him distancing himself from me.

"I'm sorry-" I mutter, embarrassed and I can tell he avoids to look at me.

But he does, for one second. He looks at me and I cannot believe he is here. I'm not dreaming.

His deep but now cold blue eyes are staring into mine, and I want to believe it's not the last time.

"I can't believe you are out." I shift awkwardly. What are you supposed to say to someone who supposedly doesn't want to see you because you fucked up his life but you love them with every tiny piece of your heart?

He clears out his throat and I can tell he is as contorted as I am.

"Veronica..." he says as his low husky voice fills the room and I feel the butterflies in my stomach. My name on his lips is my favorite thing.

He gives me a short sweet smile, but his eyes aren't smiling. It's not how he used to smile.

Because it's not a smile, his eyebrows furrow and it looks more like a revolted expression. I gulp down hard as I try to ignore it.

I now notice several scars on his face, his lower lip and forehead are scarred. I take a quick look at his arms and they are bruised and scarred. I oblige myself to not say anything about it.

He looks so different, older, so broken and done.

"You should leave." His tone goes instantly ice-cold, going from a slightly revolted expression to a poker face in a matter of seconds which completely throws me off guard.

He has never looked at me this way, all I see in his eyes is emptiness, and the realization that he may have never loved me makes my stomach sink even deeper.

"What?" I repeat, confused, disappointed, and terrified that I was wrong all along.

"I don't want you here," he spits.

My heart drops to my stomach as he says those words. The words I thought—hoped—I'd never hear from him.

"I know what you think but I promise it wasn't mine, I promise, Derek, please." I take a step closer to him and I reach to grab his hand. "Please, trust me."

He takes another step backward and I do the same, realizing that I'm doing too much.

"It doesn't matter anymore. Leave."

And for a second I'm scared of what might happen if I push it, the person he has become.

I gulp down hard, swallowing all my pride, and taking another step backward to show him I'm not going to touch him again.

"Did you get my letters? I just need to know."

His eyebrows furrow, his lips go into a straight thin line and I force myself to not cry. Everything about him makes me emotional. I used to hate that.

"Yeah and also two weeks solitary confinement," he mutters with an angry raspy tone, visibly annoyed by my question.

I look at him confused and hurt that he went through that.

"What? What do you mean?"

"Ask your friend."

He shuts the door before I get to say anything else and I let my weight fall against the wall, supporting myself with my elbows.

What...

Irène.

I told her to not do anything stupid... I warned her.

Two weeks of solitary confinement? Is she that cruel after everything I'd put him through? No wonder he looks dead inside.

I keep looking at the door, hoping he opens it again. Hoping he would run into my arms...

But he doesn't.

Several minutes later I leave with my heartbroken the hundredth time, maybe I was foolish to expect otherwise after the hell I've put him through. I don't deserve him, no matter how much I want to pretend that for a second I could be who he deserves.

I wipe away my tears and take another look at his apartment window, it's closed.

When I scrunch my nose, pushing back the runny nose, I notice a figure passing by his window. I move a little so I can see better but it's no longer there.

I can't hold it back anymore and I just let myself cry by the main entrance, as people pass by.

A whole year without him and he is here... he is free but I can't get close to him. I truly lost him.

My knees weaken as the realization hits. A few people give me weird looks, others seem pitiful but they look away, eventually.

I go to my car and I sit in there for a while. I feel incredibly stupid for still hoping he'd come out, but I can't help it. Isn't this what love feels like?

I know I'm not worth the hassle but God, don't I wish to be proved otherwise?

I leave ten minutes later. I need to talk to Alexander about what happened last night, I need to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. Also, I need to ask Dominic if I said something to Derek last night- and why the hell he hid his release from me.