Title: The Death of Me
Author: helpmyemotions

Description:
His mouth hovers before mine, and I can only plead with my eyes- asking him to drink my sorrow.

Lithia- a young girl with bad habits and a horrific past that haunts the darkest corners of her mind- fights to live her life despite the voices in her head. With the thoughts of taking her life always fresh in her mind, she fights the urge to give in to her demons' wishes. But that all goes downhill when she literally wakes, only to find one in her bed...with quite unlikely intentions.
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Your title presents a nice first impression. I am left with several questions after reading it. Is the 'death' a metaphorical or literal one? Who is the 'me' referenced in the title?

The title gives away hints, but they are too subtle to give away major spoilers. Readers will be drawn in, wondering what clues the title is offering.

Your summary is intriguing, but could benefit from a few revisions.

The first few lines draw readers in, as the excerpt gives us something to anticipate. Your description suffers from awkward wording and grammar, though.

Firstly, you rely on hyphens, even when you shouldn't. The hyphen before 'asking' in the first line should be a comma. This could improve the overall flow of the sentence, leading it to be more grammatically correct.

I would also like to take a look at the second paragraph of your description, which struggles to get its meaning across to readers.

Lithia- a young girl with bad habits and a horrific past that haunts the darkest corners of her mind- fights to live her life despite the voices in her head. With the thoughts of taking her life always fresh in her mind, she fights the urge to give in to her demons' wishes. But that all goes downhill when she literally wakes, only to find one in her bed...with quite unlikely intentions.

The wording and grammar of this section makes it difficult to follow. This isn't uncommon for a first draft, but might be distracting to any potential readers. It can pull them out of the description, and dissuade them from continuing on.

If I, personally, were to rewrite it, this section might look something like this.

Lithia, a young girl with bad habits and a horrific past that haunts the darkest corners of her mind, fights to live her life despite the voices in her head. With the thoughts of taking her life always fresh in her mind, she fights the urge to give in to her demons' wishes. That all goes downhill when she wakes, only to find one in her bed...with quite unlikely intentions.

Even this is not perfect, and it is ultimately up to you to edit your description for concision and clarity.

You do a nice job with descriptions throughout your story. The characters' environments are easy to imagine, and your attention to detail makes for a pleasant reading experience. However, you again fall victim to grammatical and wording errors.

My hair swirled in the midnight wind- the smell of decay overflowing my nose and lungs. The night was chilling- but warm, like a cool summer breeze. For some reason, I was dressed in a long, willowy, white silk gown, which danced in the breeze along with my hair.

Again, a comma in the first sentence could be more effective than the hyphen you have there now. If you wanted to use a similar punctuation mark, you could try an em dash— the punctuation mark seen here.

You also have a few subject-verb agreement issues, which can be sorted out by a thorough edit.

Overall, your plot has potential. You do a nice job of setting up all the scenes by using descriptive language, but your story could use some more substance. I don't know that much about the characters in the opening chapters (I read to chapter five) and this is a downside to your book.

I think this comes from the short nature of chapters, and the way in which you switch between points of view. I had been intrigued by the prologue, but was thrust into Lithia's point of view in chapter one. This shift in point of view occurs later, again with no warning, and it takes a moment to figure out whose world we are experiencing.

For readers, this alone could be a struggle, but chapters are too short to allow for smooth character development.

I would recommend making chapters longer and more substantial, as well as making shifts in point of view immediately apparent.

These changes could make the characters more realistic, and let readers feel some level of attachment to them and their goals.

I also wanted to mention chapter three point five, which is not a true chapter in your story. I think that including a glossary of sorts, especially in the middle of the story, immediately removes readers from the action. This information should, if possible, be included in the story through the characters' interactions. Have one character explain it to another, or show us the information through other means. Most readers will honestly want to skip this with the current format.

Incorporating this into the story will prevent readers from skipping information or becoming disconnected from the plot.

I think that, while you need to do some work to allow it to shine through, you have an interesting premise and the potential to make it work.

Would I recommend this story? After a few revisions, I would. Fantasy fans would find this intriguing, and readers from other genres might take an interest as well.

OVERALL SCORE: 74/100