I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling depressed as ever. I looked up, and stared at the white ceiling. Some moonlight was peeping through the curtains. 

Soda wasn't next to me. He had decided to sleep at Steve's house tonight. Apparently, Steve was going through some stuff with his dad. He was too scared to be alone at home now. I felt slightly bad for him. Even if Steve didn't like me that much, I didn't think what his dad did to him was right. 

I sighed, mad at myself. I was mad at Johnny, too. I couldn't believe that he had gone through my notebook. All of my personal thoughts were in there. All of my self loathing was written on those pages. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for my emotions, but I couldn't change them. I knew that everything I thought about was true. 

I rolled over, and tried to cover myself more with the blanket. I felt guilty about yelling at Johnny, but at the same time, I felt like he deserved it. I felt like all my privacy was taken away. He now had knowledge of how I felt about myself. 

He was the only one besides me and my counselor. 

Johnny was going to treat me differently now. I could feel it. I knew that he had problems at home, but they weren't the same as mine. Mine were self inflicted. 

I felt my eye lids grow heavy. I was tired, but my thoughts kept racing a mile a minute. My brain never seemed to shut up.

It was annoying. I kept thinking about things like my appearance, my weight, my intelligence, and my value as a human being. It was exhausting to be thinking about those things in the middle of the night, alone. 

Eventually, I slammed my head hard on my pillow. I knew that I had to sleep, even if I couldn't. I forced myself to close my eyes. 

I fell asleep, having confusing thoughts. 

-

I was standing outside of my counselor's office. It was Tuesday, which meant that I had an appointment. I also had one on Thursday.

I was looking down the corridor, making sure that no one saw me. Steve, Johnny, and Two Bit still went to this school, so I had to be cautious of what I was doing. I didn't want them to know I was seeing Ms. Zeller. Only the freaks had appointments with her. 

I was taken out of my thoughts. 

"Hello, Ponyboy," he said sweetly. She was always smiling. Today, her brown hair was tied up in a pony tail. Her brown eyes were shining. 

"Hi, Ms. Zeller," I replied. I sounded dull. She opened the door to her office with a key.

"Come in, Pony," she stated, walking in herself. I stepped into her office. 

Her office was mainly white, but it was decorated nicely. On the floor, she had two bean bag chairs. One was blue, and one was pink.

I decided to sit on the pink one. 

Ms. Zeller also had normal chairs, but I would never sit on them. I loved the pink bean bag. It was comfortable, and I felt like it reflected my personality.

"How are you today?" she asked. I thought about her question for a few seconds.

"Bad," I replied. She nodded. Sometimes I would reply with a single word, sometimes I would reply with full sentences. It was strange, but she understood.

I felt safer with Ms. Zeller than I did with anyone else.

"Why's that?" she questioned. I saw her furrow her brows. I sighed.

"You know that notebook that I write everything in?" I started. She nodded. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Well, my friend, Johnny, went through it last night. He read everything I wrote," I mumbled. My voice began to shake. 

"What did he say?" she asked. I gulped. I knew that I had to tell the truth.

"I got really mad at him, and I started yelling at him. I told him to leave, and to never speak to me again," I whispered. I hung my head in shame. 

"What did he say after?" she asked in response. I huffed.

"He said that he wanted to help me, and that I could always come to him,' I stated. I sighed.

"Maybe he has those intentions, Ponyboy," she replied. I shook my head.

"Yeah, but maybe is the key word. What if he doesn't? I don't want him to play me!" I exclaimed. I looked down.

"That's probably not the case, sweetheart," she said. Her tone of voice was soothing. 

I was quiet.

"I think that you should talk to Johnny about some things. You don't have to tell him everything, but you can start with something small," she began. I looked up at her again.

"Like what?" I asked. She thought for a second.

"Well, you could start with your eating problems. That's one of the issues that needs to be fixed first, for the sake of your health," she stated. I thought about it for a second.

"Maybe I'll try it," I whispered. She got up.

"Oh, Ponyboy," she stated, sounding a bit exasperated. 

I stood up too.

She wrapped me into a hug.

Maybe I would take her advice.

Maybe.