[Third Person’s Point of View]

Jett and Tommy were sitting side by side on the kitchen island; the eight-year-old twins’ legs were dangling in the air as they both happily watched their older sister poured in some flour into the cookie dough she was making.

Tommy’s mouth was formed into an O and Jett had his eyes glittering in wonder as Alice put the chocolate chip into the cookie dough with an intentional flourish.

“Woahhhh,” Tommy exclaimed with a childish wonder in his expression that mirrored his brother, Jett. “Can we try it now?”

Alice chuckled as she mixed the dough. “No.”

“Please please pretty please, Alice. Let us try it first?” Jett pouted adorably.

“Just a bit, Lys, pleaseeeeeee,” Drawled Tommy with his big wide eyes.

The twins began to speak together at the same time. “Lys PleasepleasepleaseLysplease–“

Alice hissed with a comical expression on her face, making the twins laughed, but soon lowered their voices as their older sister put her index finger on her lips.

“Mom is sleeping,” Alice said in a hushed voice, “You guys be good boys. Remember what I said? Mom just finished a 24-hour shift at the hospital. She needs her rest,” she said in a hush-hush voice.

Jett pulled a dramatic sad face. “We know but…” he eyed the dough in Alice’s bowl, “Can we? Please?”

“We promise we’ll be good,” Tommy added, as if his offer was a cherry on top.

Alice rolled her eyes in amusement at her little brothers. “They’re still raw, and patience is a virtue,” she said the last part in a sing song voice before turning to set up the old, beat oven in their apartment. When she turned, the two troublemakers had already had each of their fingers dipped into the cookie dough bowl.

“Boys!” she chided them as she grabbed the bowl with lightning speed away from the eight-year-olds’ little fingers’ grasp. The twins both gave her identical cheeky, non-guilty smile as they looked at her. Jett and Tommy were looking at each other mischievously, their expression made it impossible to hide her own smile even as she tried to be stern with them.

“Don’t you dare,” she warned them, but the boys clearly knew that they had not only the cookie dough, but also their older sister wrapped around their little fingers. They collectively ate the raw dough from their hand, giggling adorably at each other as if they had managed the perfect mischief and got away with it.

“Boys!” she couldn’t help but cackled with them, “Unbelievable!”

The boys were busy laughing and lapping red velvet cookie dough from their fingers as she shook her head and transferred the cookie into the baking tray.

“You better wash your hands or I’ll eat this cookie all by myself,” she gave them an empty threat, an amused smile still on her face.

While both Jett and Tommy continued their own conversation that soon turned into a debate on which cookie topping is best, Alice was putting the tray into the hot oven when her phone dinged, notifying an incoming text message.

It was Jenna and Mindy. Jenna said that they brought tequila, cigarettes and some new hip album that Alice thought all the popular guys and girls like the three of them should know. Who knows, maybe one of the tracks would go well for their next cheerleading background song.

Alice was sure that the three of them together–they’d kill the next season’s game. Maybe she could even meet some hot college guys on the game.

She smirked at the thought and quickly texted Jenna back, telling them to wait in the car for another fifteen minutes. Her girls wouldn’t mind.

Alicia White turned from the oven, in her excitement to sneak out to drink and smoke with her girlfriends, failed to make sure that the timer on the old oven is not jammed.

She pocketed her phone and gave both Tommy and Jett a bright smile.

“Come on you two,” she hurried them, wrapping her arms each on top of their tiny shoulders, “Let’s wash those dirty hands, brush your teeth, and maybe if you sleep soon I might even tell you another Harry Potter story.”

“Yes! Yes! Okay!”

“Yeah! But how about the cookie, Lys??”

The two boys began to talk at the same time, and Lys pretended to cover her ears.

“Shush, shush! They’ll be ready tomorrow morning for you, you insatiable pitless stomachs!” she muttered, gaining a happy cheer from her lively little brothers.

After watching them wash their hands and brushed their teeth, Alice tucked both boys into their beds.

“...and so, Professor Snape lived happily ever after.”

The boys continued to giggle over Alice’s modified story; their joyful, unburdened laughter reverberated around their tiny bedroom painted with jet planes and planets in blue, yellow and red.

“Alright you two,” she grinned, “Story time’s up, bed time,” she dimmed the night light, for a while watching the stars from the lava lamp spinning gently in the boys’ room.

In a motherly way, young Alice tucked both Tommy and Jett’s blanket under their chins before gifting them each a last goodnight kiss on their foreheads. The twins smiled rather sleepily at their older sister.

“Lys?”

Alice smile softly at them. “Yes, Tommy?”

“Can we please have one more story?” Tommy asked with hopeful eyes.

“Yes pleaseee, haven’t we been good today?” Jett tried to convince her.

Jett was right. They had been indeed very good today. They finished their homework in a timely manner without having to fight each other and played quietly as their mom slept through the day. They ate the veggies Alice cooked for them. Alice considered about giving them one more bedtime story, but the thought of Jenna and Mindy waiting in Mindy’s dad BMW with a bunch of booze and cigarettes made her change her mind.

“Sorry boys, but it’s late. Remember you have Science Fair tomorrow early in the morning and we don’t wanna miss that,” she reminded them gently.

“Aww…” they both voiced disappointedly.

Both Tommy and Jett gave her pouty face, and Alice playfully mimicked their overly dramatic sad expression.

“Okayyy then,” Jett huffed.

“Good night, Lys,” Tommy added.

“You’re still the best sister despite that,” Jett teased.

“You’re kinda mom, though,” Tommy added, and the twins laughed again at her expense.

“Shush you two,” she chuckled, “Don’t start ganging up on me, you punks,” she flicked their noses, earning chortles from the twins.

Getting up from her reading spot, she made her way towards the door. One last glance at them, and Alice’s eyes softened at her two younger brothers that she adored so much.

“Good night, boys,” she smiled, not knowing that it was the last night she had with them. “Sweet dreams. I love you.”

Their cheeky, boyish smiles were the last thing she saw before she closed their door.

***

Elizabeth was smiling at her boys, before she was brutally jolted with a soft gasp. Her hazel eyes were shot open, and the nightmare that was her reality woke her up from her peaceful dream.

The realization that Jett and Tommy were not here anymore hit her hard upon awakening, just as the pain and the deadweight in her chest returned with vengeance. The red head wanted nothing more than to forget, so she closed her eyes again, relaxing her body in hope to return back to sleep despite the fact that the sun was already high at its peak.

A tender, feminine hand brush on her forehead pulled her gently back from the arms of slumber. Her mellow, hazel eyes appeared between the narrow slit of her lids.

Penelope’s face came into view. “Hiiiiiii,” the bubbly woman grinned. Upon seeing her best friend, Elizabeth’s lips turned up in a smile. She sat up and hugged her friend.

“Momma,” Liz embraced her while Penelope returned her hug with a tight one.

The girls giggled to themselves, and upon releasing each other. Elizabeth pointed out, her smile lingered despite the deadweight that was permanently imbued inside her. “You’re here! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” she asked with practiced cheeriness in her still rather raspy voice from sleep.

“Well, I heard our chocolate daddy is making lunch, and you know, moi being the insatiable tech kitten that I am…” Penelope blurted, her expression absolutely filthy with innuendos.

A throaty laugh escaped Liz. Maybe this was Morgan’s curse; he had played so many women; but he would have to endure being objectified by his best friend for maybe the rest of his life–though in a very harmless manner.

In fact, Liz knew he enjoyed every second of it.

Elizabeth hummed conspiratorially, feeding into Penelope’s thirst. “Mm, do you think he ever cook, like, naked?” Liz teased further, “Like, hot naked chef?”

The girls began to exchange thirsty comments about Morgan and fantasizing about him, just the way they sometimes do when Morgan was not around.

Only this time, unknown to Liz, Penelope’s mental image was split between both Derek and Luke–gosh!

The two girls made their way to Derek’s spacious, modern white kitchen, and sat themselves on the bar stools at the marble kitchen island.

“Hey there, sleepy head.”

She gave him a tip of her chin and a smile, one that made Derek flashed his brilliant white teeth in a smile that melted many poor female souls, before shifting his focus to Penelope who was asking him about the lunch special. Derek was not naked, unfortunately. Today he was in a rather nice plain white T-shirt that melded into his muscled body perfectly; a kitchen towel draped on top of his left shoulder. He was picking at a slice of cucumber, snacking on it while conjuring something spicy and rich in his German-made pan as he exchanged the usual flirting with Penelope.

The sound of her friends chatting away casually was quick to become a background noise as Elizabeth had her fingers tracing the abstract lines of the white marble stone that was topping Derek’s kitchen island.

There was a time in her early life when she craved nice, finer things like this countertop table. But even then, Elizabeth wasn’t completely vain. She loved their old apartment the way it was. There was nothing she wouldn’t give just so she could spend another day in the old apartment, cooking dinner for the twins. She remembered their place as a child and a teen. They had a wooden kitchen island which teal paint was chipped on several places; crayons and pencils marking them–courtesy of Jett and Tommy.

The seats weren’t nearly as comfortable and robust as Derek’s bar stools. Theirs were second hands their mother received from her boss at work. They were rather creaky, but strong enough to support two very active eight-year-olds. Every night the twins would hangout there at the small kitchen of theirs, either doing their homework or watching Alice as she made desserts.

Elizabeth pictured Jett and Tommy–her boys–sitting there, legs dangling happily in the air as she conjured any kind of dessert. They would even wait with much giddy anticipation and wonder for a simple premix brownie in a box. The image of their cheeky smiles–her boys–

“Lys? Is it ready yet? It’s been resting for five minutes already.”

“It’s been only five seconds, Jett,” she rolled her eyes.

“You said that five seconds ago!” Tommy accused, causing a giggle from Jett.

“Can I pour it to the tray, Lys?”

“No! Me!”

“Me!” objected Tommy.

“Okay. Together, then,” Jett gave in diplomatically. “Can we, Lys?”

“Pretty pleasee?”

“Liz?”

Derek’s deep voice pulled her back to reality. When she came to, she realized both her friends were looking at her. Derek raised an eyebrow, waiting, his face didn’t give away the fact that he had been watching her every move from his peripheral vision; that he noticed the fleeting brokenness in her eyes when they had called her back from her daydreaming.

Now, Elizabeth just looked utterly lost.

“I’m sorry. What’s that again?”

“We’re casting a vote. White rice or Prata bread?”

“Prata,” Liz answered randomly.

Derek let out a dramatic sigh. “Alright. I yield,” he said, placing both his hands on the counter top, making the artistic muscles on his biceps ripple under his shirt, “After all, I am but a man, honored to be serving two ethereal goddesses any mortal eyes fortunate enough to lay their gazes upon.”

That made Elizabeth blush. Penelope let out a soft, sensual ah and gave her hand for Derek to take. Derek, being Derek, took it and gave it a sound kiss. “You’re perceptive, my sexy mocha nugget,” commented Penelope with such drama that made even Derek broke his act and chuckle. As Penelope went ahead to spoon herself some of Derek’s butter chicken on top of her Prata bread, the said man looked at Elizabeth who just sat there meekly, being not as bold as Penelope. He offered his hand, wriggling his brows at her playfully.

“Come on now, princess. Don’t be shy,” Derek purred.

Elizabeth lifted her hand to him, chuckling softly, knowing that he would never allow one of his ‘goddesses’ feel left out.

She was expecting a similar sound kiss on top of her hand, but instead, he gave her a quiet, small kiss, and a tender brush of his thumb on her skin. There was no teasing on his expression, but his expressive chocolate eyes were warm and sincere, as if telling her that he knows.

Knew what–Elizabeth didn’t bother to delve too deep into it. She only felt inadequate to be the receiving end of Derek’s affection, despite how much she enjoyed it.

Out of the blue, as Penelope munched her lunch ahead of the three of them, she muttered, “You kids bang yet?”

Derek watched as Elizabeth’s face warmed adorably, flustered. He chuckled and released the poor woman’s hand, resuming his work on serving the butter chicken he made for Elizabeth and himself.

A very evil looking smirk appeared on Penelope’s face as she narrowed her sherry blue eyes at both Liz and Derek.

At this point, whether they decided to tell lie or truth, Elizabeth wasn’t even sure which answer would be the lesser of two evil–yes or no. She should’ve known better than to think that a genius like their momma didn’t notice the changing dynamic between her and Derek’s relationship.

Derek noticed the turmoil in Elizabeth, and decided to be merciful and helped her out. “Trust me, baby girl. I offered so many times,” he chirped playfully at Penelope.

“What?? This should be good. I just love the suspense. The anticipation!” she exclaimed. “Momma demands at least a weekly update for this, you hear, baby bird?”

Elizabeth chuckled and muttered a thanks as she received the fork from Derek. Deep down, she began to question herself. Had she led Derek on without actually reciprocating his feelings, after all these things he did for her? For saving her life and caring for her? Had she taken, but not giving him anything in return?

The thought bred anxiety inside her stomach.

The lunch went about just like the typical days off when the three friends would hang out. Fun, playful, with a little bit of shop talk included in the conversation. Derek and Penelope, as the two previously planned together, smoothly transitioned the conversation towards the topic of Elizabeth. About her leg, her blood test. Eventually, to how she was actually doing.

“That’s a relief, Lizzie. I’m glad you’re okay,” Penelope said sincerely, giving her a side hug. “So what do you feel about it?”

While Derek was pretending to watch the game on the tv while munching on a bowl of popcorn for himself, his keen ears were tuned in at the conversation.

Elizabeth let out a long huff off air. “Well, guess I have to learn to let go of my fear of needles. Other than that, I just can’t wait to go back to work,” she offered her half truths before throwing the last of the popcorn that she shared with Pen to Derek’s direction, “Hey. How come me and Pen have to share and you have a big bowl for yourself?” Liz complained to Derek.

“Papi’s a big boy, mami.”

“Well mami is still hungry,” she said nonchalantly as she offered him her empty bowl of popcorn. Derek smiled cheekily and switched their bowls, so Liz and Pen got his popcorn while he got up from the couch for a refill.

It didn’t escape Penelope that Elizabeth was dodging their conversation. While Derek was out of their earshot, Penelope began.

“Lizzie? You know that I’m here for you, no matter what, right?”

The sincere kindness and care in Penelope’s eyes were evident. It was unspoken between them, but Pen understood that there were certain parts of Elizabeth’s life that the meek red head wasn’t willing to share with them or the team, and she was okay with that.

Elizabeth nodded, her expression softened at her sweet friend. Having true friends like Derek and Penelope was something that Elizabeth could never ever stop feeling grateful about.

“I’m here to talk if you need to, about anything. There, just letting that out there. Even about our chocolate-sex-on-legs-man-hunk,” she added the last part in a hushed voice, leaning in to Liz, “You tell me if he’s breaking your heart, momma’s gonna rip his balls and shove it up his ass with love.”

A chortle escaped both Elizabeth and Penelope.

“Are you girls gossiping about me behind my back?” Derek raised a brow as he plopped onto his spot on the couch with a bowl full of popcorn.

“Why of course, mon cher!” Penelope exclaimed.

Derek threw his two girls a smirk. “Good things only, I hope? What about me you girls talk about?”

“If I tell you, will you promise not to blush?” Elizabeth teased, earning a playful throw of popcorn from Derek, straight to her nose.

***

Elizabeth looked at herself one more time on the visor mirror of her sedan, taking a deep breath before forcing a wide smile on her face. She got out of her car and locked it before making her way back to the HQ to start her first day back to work.

The amount of people’s welcome and wishes as she returned was overwhelming. Bill, the security guard, her coworkers from the other departments; they clapped when she arrived at her floor. Lizzie blushed furiously and smiled in embarrassment at the attentions directed towards her. Deep down, she felt like an imposter; a monster, hailed as hero returning home with triumph over evil.

She quickened her pace to the BAU’s office.

The BAU was no less different. JJ was holding up a ‘welcome back’ cake and the others were there waiting at the round table with a loud cheer. She was soon swarmed with warm hugs, ones that this time, she didn’t mind. After all, the BAU was her family.

Hotch wasn’t there, and she didn’t mind. After all, her stoic boss too, was not all rainbows and touchy feely love. Hotch loved his people in his own impassive ways.

The said boss came down from Mount Olympus, his office, with an impassive look on his expression. “My office, Elizabeth.”

Liz elbowed Derek who had his arm latched on her shoulders to let her go. “Yes, boss.”

There was collective silence among the team when their boss called Liz without even joining them on welcoming Liz back.

“Hotch?”

The FBI agent looked up from a file on his table, gesturing with his eyes for her to close the door. Elizabeth did so with a knot forming in her stomach.

“You passed the psychological exam from Dr. Brunner,” he began, his expression unreadable as he motioned for her to sit.

“Yes,” Elizabeth smiled. “Hence why I’m here.”

“You passed with flying colors,” he said, “According to Dr. Brunner you are fit both mentally and physically to be back to work.”

Elizabeth’s smile brightened. “I’m ready.”

“I don’t think so.”

Her smile fell; along with it, a sudden empty hole formed in her stomach.

“You gave him all the right answers to his assessment. You tell him exactly what Dr. Brunner wanted to hear.” Liz was about to open her mouth to answer, but Hotch cut her. “Don’t bother lying to me. As your supervisor I have a say in your return, and in my professional opinion, you are not 100% ready to be back to work.”

Elizabeth paled, frozen as she clutched her hands in front of her.

“I want you to take another couple weeks off and redo the exam. This time, I’m expecting the exam result that truly represent your psychological nature.”

Elizabeth let out a breathless gasp.

“No.”

Hotch frowned, but not speaking as he waited for her to explain herself.

“Please. I promise you I am 100% functional and that I can do my work,” Liz began, her voice only slightly wavered.

The tremble in her voice and the way her hazel eyes looking at him; grasping for something to hold on to, let him know that he was making a right decision.

“You have been through a trauma. At this point I still think that you are a liability to this team. I want you to get better first, Elizabeth,” he said the last part kindly. Despite the neutral expression that Hotch always seemed to have, his eyes was gentle when he spoke. But this was missed by Elizabeth entirely.

The news was like a blow to Elizabeth, that the woman was unable to hide her shaky intake of breath that she took as she spoke to her boss.

“I’m fine,” she insisted.

“You’re not, Lizzie. We both know that,” he said as he closed her file with a finality. He stood up. “You can go home, Elizabeth. I’ll take care of this with the HR.”

In her panic, Liz’s eyes wondered, trying to find a way to change his mind.

“How old is Jack, Hotch?” she blurted.

The question stopped the FBI agent in his track. He looked Liz in the eye.

“Ten,” he answered flatly, waiting for her to continue.

Elizabeth touched a photo frame sitting on Hotch’s table. It was of Hotch and Jack smiling together, holding a soccer ball, probably after a game in the boy’s school.

“I’m assuming you keep doing this job for him? Even after Haley’s passing?”

His wife’s name coming out his agent’s lips didn’t fail to remind him of the old wound that never really heal. Hotch let out a breath, his expression stoic yet pain lurked in his eyes.

“Yes.”

“I’m just doing the same,” Elizabeth nodded, as if trying to convince him, “I understand how you feel, Aaron.”

The crease lines between Hotch’s eyes deepened. “It’s not the same, Elizabeth–“

“It is,” she interrupted him. Her expression, Hotch observed, grew more desperate as she spoke. “I used to care for my little brothers. Tommy and Jett,” she said with a smile.

Her smile, Hotch also noted, was off.

“I cared for them since their births while my mother was spending most of her time providing for us. I raised them, like they’re my own,” Elizabeth said softly with a smile that didn’t matched the pain and lurking panic in her eyes. “I cooked for them, washed their clothes, helped them study. I told them bedtime stories. I loved them,” she explained with strain in her voice, “I was their mother too.”

There were both sympathy and pain in Hotch’s eyes as he stood there behind his desk, looking at the still seated Elizabeth. “I’m very sorry for your loss, Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth nodded and smiled brighter. Again, a stark contrast from the pain and desperation in her eyes. “It’s okay. I know how you feel. This job, I’m doing it for them,” she nodded, trying too hard to convince him.

“They’re gone, Elizabeth.”

“So is Haley,” she reasoned. Her hazel eyes pleading, “Please, Aaron. Don’t take this job from me. It’s all I have left,” she said the last part with tears.

Aaron Hotchner crossed the table and put his hands on both Liz’s arms, firm yet gentle. He looked deep into her eyes.

“I am not taking this job from you,” he insisted. Elizabeth had never seen her boss eyes so expressive before; so soulful. But what he said next was quick to make her forget the fact that Hotch was simply trying to do her a favor. “You are in pain, Elizabeth, and I just want you to get better first. The job will still be here waiting for you to get back to–“

Elizabeth touched Aaron’s hand that was on her right shoulder, effectively stopping the FBI agent’s speech.

“Please, Aaron,” she pleaded with eyes. In her desperation, Elizabeth ran her thumb shakily against the skin of his hand, “I’ll do anything,” she said with almost a whisper.

Hotch looked at her hand on his, then on her face in disbelief, as if the red head had lost her mind. In a way, she had. When he came to it, the FBI agent pulled his hands away from her, as if her touch burned him. He turned his back on her and opened the door.

Elizabeth held back from crying in utter shame at his rejection, and what her desperate action would entail to.

“Get out,” Hotch said with a level tone. As soon as he said those words and realizing the way he sounded, he added, gently this time, “Go home, Agent Dawson.”

Elizabeth got on her shaky feet and walked out of his office with an invisible black hole inside, ready to consume her. She dared not look into Hotch’s face on her way out, or mutter another single word.

The more steps she took, the more the shame and the unbearable pain she felt in her chest turned into a simmering anger.

Anger at the world. Anger at her boss. Anger at the BAU.

And at herself.

The team watched in utter bewilderment at seeing the way the red head walked from their boss’ office. Elizabeth was pale, sick looking, with some tears still marring her face. But her expression was cold, unfeeling, her jaw set as if in anger, her eyes almost murderous, as if she was about to destroy everything that dare crosses her. They had never quite seen that look on the usually meek woman, or ever thought that they would ever saw that kind of expression on her gentle face. The team knew to keep their distance and make room for her when she came to grab her things.

“What happened in there?” asked Rossi gently, sounding the concern of the whole team.

She ignored him.

As she was gathering her things and putting them in her bag, Prentiss tried speaking to her, as if she was a cornered wild animal.

The female agent pretty much had an idea what might have transpired in Hotch’s office. Dawson wasn’t the first to manipulate the FBI psych exam upon her return to work. Only this time, Prentiss gathered, Hotch had made a decision to not let her pass.

“Look, Lizzie–“

“Save it.” Elizabeth replied harshly, the cold in her voice didn’t escape the team.

Emily Prentiss shrunk at her friend's response.

As Elizabeth went for the door, a tall, muscular body blocked her.

“Baby–“

Elizabeth pushed Derek’s hand away from her arm. On other circumstances, it would look extremely funny to see the dominant, pushy Derek, looking somewhat afraid as he put his hands up in the air.

Derek was indeed afraid, for he never saw that villainous, hard look on his baby’s sweet face before. But what she said next, was enough to break his heart in a way that no woman ever could before.

“I don’t want you. Don’t come looking for me.”

He flinched. The utter rejection stunned Derek, leaving him frozen on the ground he stood on as he heard her leave behind him.

***

[Author's Note: Ayyy sorry for the dark chapter, trust me it only get better from this forward. Rate and review?]

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