Trigger Warning: mentions of suicidal tendencies and canon suicide attempts in the mcu. To avoid this please stop reading after the person knocking at the door at the start of this chapter leaves the room and read the summary of what happened afterwards next week where I will post it before the start of the next chapter. Thank you.

–O–

"Loren!" Called Shuri, followed by some more rapid knocks on the door. "Hawkdude said you were pretty bad after you left the lab. I've just come to check up on you."

"I am fine." Loki said, unconvincingly.

"Yeah, sure." She replied doubtfully. "I'm coming in. Get some clothes on if you're naked, alien girl."

Loki tried to get to his feet, but as he attempted to push himself up with his hands, he fell back to the floor, the wind knocked out of him. Norns, he was a disaster.

The door opened and the princess stepped into the room. "Woah! You're a dude now! I mean, you are a dude, right? What are your pronouns right now?"

Loki wanted her to leave before the realisation came to her. Undoubtedly she had seen footage of him from the invasion before, it was only a matter of time before things clicked. "He/him." He replied like Bruce had taught him.

"After all this Thanos stuff is over you need to explain how you can do that. Do you think humans have the potential to shapeshift with the right technology? We do have the hulk after all so it's possible to some extent and-"

"I don't wish to be rude," Loki said, "but I want to be alone at this given moment."

She raised an eyebrow. "You're as pale as an albino ghost and trembling like my brother when he sees Nakia."

"Sees who?"

"Don't change the subject."

She was right, but that didn't mean she had to say it.

"I'm fine. Please leave."

She shook her head and sat down next to him before she helped him to sit up against the bed. "Even if you won't let me help you, I need to make sure you don't die or anything." She looked at him curiously. "Do you have a youtube account or something? You look familiar. Do you make vlogs in space?"

"I don't believe so. Perhaps I just have one of those faces?"

The metaphorical penny was in the air, so the Midgardian saying went, and it wouldn't take long for gravity to take effect.

She hummed. "So tell me the science behind shapeshifting."

Turns out that gravity's name was Peter Parker.

The spider-child ran into the room. "Mr Rogers said I could check in on you. Are you dead?"

Shuri smiled reassuringly. "He's not."

"Thank God, I-" Peter looked at Loki's prone form and reeled backwards. "You're you?!"

"Who's you?" Shuri asked.

"Loki!" Peter exclaimed. "Thor's brother! The guy who tried to invade Earth!"

Shuri jumped to her feet. "I knew I recognised you." She said, voice bitter.

Loki was sure that Peter was working himself into a frenzy. "You threw Mister Stark out a window!"

Loki couldn't help rolling his eyes. "Don't tell me he's not over that? Midgardians. You could hold a grudge into the afterlife."

"We should tell T'Challa." Shuri said, grabbing Peter's arm.

"Don't," Loki replied, "Please."

It was clear that Peter was trying to glare at him with disdain, but he just looked upset if anything. "Why should we listen to a word you say?"

"I'm not asking for your trust. But the Avengers still have a shaky relationship. If their new Asgardian 'bff' turns out to be their enemy in disguise? They will be nothing but distrustful to everyone around them, don't pretend that they won't. Tell them after we defeat Thanos if you must, but you can't shake up the foundations of this quickly formed group more than they already are."

"How do we know you aren't working for Thanos?" Shuri asked.

"You don't." Loki tried to shrug, but it was awkward. "I can't prove that I'm not unless one of your mental magicians can also read the intentions of the minds they read into. But Thanos killed my brother. He took Asgard, a people already hurt beyond healing, and killed a good half of them. Because of him, I will never see Thor again. You can distrust me all you like, but I would not work for that monster again if my life depended on it. You cannot trust me. I am not a person who can be trusted. But you can trust my rage."

The two children were silent for a moment that seemed to stretch for an eternity.

"Does anyone else know?" Shuri asked.

"All the Asgardians and Bruce." Loki replied. "Strange too, if he's still alive."

Peter winced at that last part.

"We'll talk to Doctor Banner." Shuri said to Peter. "The other Asgardians could be doing what he says because he's their king-"

"I'm not their king." Loki corrected.

Shuri shrugged. "You said Thor was dead, right? That would make you king."

"I'm just- I'm not their king." Loki repeated. The title just didn't seem to fit.

"Banner's still our best bet, he was one of the original avengers." Shuri continued.

"Yeah. Let's go talk to him." Peter agreed, before he turned to Loki. "Look. Loren seemed... nice. And I don't think you could fake all that niceness so well without having some real good in you too, even if it's deep down."

"Really deep down." Shuri added.

"All I'm saying is that if Doctor Banner says he believes you're not going to betray us, I'll trust you." Peter finished.

"Let me lay my intentions out on the table." Loki said. "If there was ever a point where I'd have to choose to save either my life or the lives of you two, I'd choose myself easily. Even if Thor was still alive, I'd choose my own life over his. I'm selfish and I'm going to continue making selfish choices. I'm only on your side to avenge my brother and to protect myself. I want to kill Thanos, and I think the Avengers can help me with that."

"Fine." Peter said, surprisingly revealing very little clues about what he was feeling. "Let's go, Shuri."

After they left, Loki's focus slipped and they drifted in a strange state of consciousness where he felt near nothing and couldn't form his thoughts into actual words. He didn't know how long he was like that exactly, but it was eventually broken when Bruce entered the room and shut the door behind him.

Loki kept his eyes on Bruce's shoes until the man said his name and he lazily looked upwards.

"You look... terrible."

Loki smiled half-heartedly. "Such kind words."

"I just had an interesting conversation with Peter and Shuri."

"I thought you might have."

Bruce gingerly sat down in front of Loki. "I told them I trusted that you wanted to kill Thanos."

"I assumed as much from the lack of hostile Avengers." Loki said and paused. "Thank you."

"You know, I think you care about Peter. I don't know if that even matters, but I do think you care."

He scoffed. "I'm not Thor. I don't fall in love with every human that shows the slightest bit of decency to me."

"You're worse."

Loki narrowed his eyes. "Excuse me?"

"Thor took a while to warm up to us. When we were battling you, he was all business." Bruce said. "But you? You seemed to become best friends with Peter instantly, you're trusting that I'll tell people that you're trustworthy... you even let yourself have a breakdown in front of Brunnhilde."

"She told you?" Loki asked through gritted teeth.

"She asked if any of my PHDs could help you. She told me you weren't... in a good mental state-"

"And I suppose she used those exact words?"

The corner of Bruce's lips tugged upwards. "It was a little less considerate maybe. But I agree with her."

"That I'm not in a good mental state?"

"Yes." He confirmed. "She's already told me about the sort-of internal racism you suffer from if that's what you could call it. I'm guessing your time with Thanos wasn't pleasant, and even if it was, that mind stone obviously isn't the best for a person's health – physically or mentally... and Thor told us about the time on the bi-frost."

Loki laughed. "The time they let me fall into the deep abyss of space. Forever falling into nothingness? An eternity of darkness? Yes, that certainly leaves some marks on the mind, doctor."

Bruce looked puzzled. "Loki... Thor said you let go."

"I didn't-" Loki stopped. His memory was fuzzy. When he looked to his fall from the rainbow bridge it was impossible to focus on the details. He and Thor fought and then he fell. It made sense that Thor threw him off. That's what the mind stone had concluded, and Loki had to agree. But he couldn't remember. By the Norns, how much of his memory had holes?

"I don't- I don't remember." Loki said. "I thought... I let go?"

"Thor said he was trying to help you back onto the bridge but you wouldn't take his hand."

"No, Loki."

"I wouldn't have." Loki shook his head. "I'm a survivor. That's what I strive for - survival."

"Peter told me you'd always choose your life over his or Thor's." Bruce said.

Loki nodded. "I would! That's what I want. I always survive. That's how it works."

"But sometimes you don't want to." Bruce concluded.

"No." Loki said quickly. "I- it's none of your business."

"Maybe not." Bruce shrugged. "But I was there once. I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. The Hulk spit the bullet out."

Loki looked down and realised his hands were trembling.

"It's okay if you feel like that sometimes." Bruce said.

"I'd kill people to survive." Loki replied, but reluctantly admitted the truth. "But sometimes... I'm tired of it. It's contradictory..."

"Emotions don't always make sense."

"I want to kill, Thanos, I do. But I also want to see my mother again. I want to see Thor again..." He looked away from Bruce, away from accepting that he was sharing his emotions. "I had this friend when I was younger – Lorelei. She managed to get herself thrown in jail, but she escaped during the convergence. I sent Sif after her to keep her distracted enough not to notice I was posing as Odin. After I destroyed Asgard, I realised that Lorelei was likely still in its prison when I set it ablaze. I had put her there. I killed her. I didn't even think about her."

"It's normal to feel weighed down by guilt. Harlem, Johannesburg... the Hulk has killed a lot of people. Innocent people. All the Avengers have body counts we're not proud of." Bruce said.

"I can't believe I'm talking about this with you," Loki said, "I tried to take over the world and you're being... sympathetic."

"I smashed you into the ground." Bruce replied nonchalantly. "Besides, I'm not forgiving you or anything. I'm just trying to tell you that you're not alone. A lot of us have issues, and you can probably talk through things with any of us. Especially Peter. You really need to talk to that kid about a lot of stuff."

Loki curled up a little tighter. "What was he like when he was talking to you?"

"He seemed upset. Panicked? He wants to trust you."

"He's too quick to trust," Loki said, "He's like a young Thor."

"Hm," Bruce said like he'd just figured something out, "I guess he is."