Hopefully when Hell freezes over, I will have already found myself a bride. The signs are all over the place. Flickering flames, souls slipping past the inferis gate, and the hellhounds whining like pesky cats.

An imposter is sitting on my throne and pretending to be the Goblin King. He's drinking from my golden cup and coveting my wealth. But I have news for him, his days are numbered. I will make sure he begs for mercy before I rip his hideous lips from his face. I will pummel his miniscule shaft to smithereens until the only thing anyone sees is his hairy taint.

How dare those scheming advisers banish me for refusing to condemn myself to a lifetime of marital slavery?

A bride? Ha! Pathetic fools.

I dig my claws into the throne that isn't mine. My blood is boiling hotter than a supernova, hotter than Hell itself.

"Careful with the furniture," Lucifer drawls. Ribbons of smoke curl from the end of the cigarette between his fingers. The bastard is back from his short trip to recapture the souls that escaped his prison. But upon seeing the hundreds of stubbed cigarettes at his feet and the same number of souls in the fire pit, I'm guessing he failed.

"Still looking for a willing lass to accept your greedy ass?" he asks.

I grunt. "You think you're hilarious, but you're not."

Lucifer chuckles. "You're lucky I'm letting you stay, and allowing you to sit on my throne."

I hiss and leave the darn chair. "You can have it back. You call that a throne? Mine is so much better than that."

"But it's not yours, is it?"

"It was. And it shall be mine again."

"What if I tell you I can help you?" Lucifer steps forward. The flames from the fire pit illuminate his pale, handsome face. His luscious mouth curls into a sinister smile.

"In exchange for?" I ask, lifting one bushy brow.

"The souls," Lucifer says, gesturing at the fire pit. "Retrieve them and I'll help you."

A deal with the devil, huh?

"Sure," I agree. "I'll get them for you if you tell me where I can find my bride."

"One of the souls that escaped is special," Lucifer says. "She wasn't supposed to be here. She's good, you see. Never did anything evil in her life. But she's a naïve little girl. What she thought would benefit many, killed them instead."

I scoff. "I hate do-gooders the most."

Lucifer slithers across the room until his face is inches away from mine. "Bring her back to me, along with the rest of the souls, and I'll give you your heart's deepest desire."

I narrow my eyes at him. He is my friend but he has always been a sly one. "Show me this special soul," I say, folding my arms across my chest.

Lucifer opens his palm, kindling a swathe of blue flame, forming the image of a girl with raven locks and big round eyes.

I make my way to Hell's gate.

Ghosts litter the city. Those lingering souls who believe they still have unfinished tasks.

Poor unfortunate souls.

It isn't that hard to find the girl. Unlike Lucifer, the ghosts are not afraid of me. In fact, they carry their greedy hearts into the afterlife. Therefore, with the promise of gold to their living relatives, they don't hesitate to point me in the right direction.

"I'll take you back," I tell her. "Come, lass. I ain't got 'nuff time."

"No!" The girl backs into a corner. "Please don't take me back. I have to fix what I've done."

"I have no patience for your whining. I gotta find a bride to bring back to my Kingdom."

"I can help you!" The girl's azure eyes almost pop out of her head. "I will find your bride and in turn let me stay here."

"And how sure are you that you'll be successful?" I peered down at her.

"I will be!" The girl balls her fists and she stares at me with such fiery intensity, her lips firm in a determined line. "Just give me a chance."

There is something about her eyes that makes it hard to refuse. Perhaps it is the fire in them, or perhaps it is the way her aquiline nose perks up, or how her lips look so invitingly soft. It makes me wonder about her. Why did she end up in Hell?

"Alright. You have until midnight." I cock my head to the side and wait for her reaction.

She gasps. "Midnight? I can't possibly..."

"No bride at midnight and I'll force you back to Lucifer's lair."

She holds up her hands. "Okay! Then let's go! We can't waste more time. I know some nice girls."

The girl is wasting my time.

She's made me sit in a stuffy diner. Girls arrive one after the other and introduce themselves to me.

Each time I shake my head no, the girl drops her shoulders until enough is enough.

"What is wrong with you?" she wails. "They were all beautiful!"

I give her a pointed look. "It is not beauty I am after. It is the soul." I wave my hand dismissively. "It's complicated. I don't think your pea-sized brain will understand."

She inhales a large breath and huffs. "Ugly then."

A barrage of not-so-pleasant girls arrive. The onlookers are now giving me weird looks. I sigh. Humans and their judgmental minds.

The last girl gives me a nervous smile. I press my hands on the table and stand up.

"Enough. This is useless. Your time is done."

Lucifer's special soul stares above and curses. She dives to the plain girl and possesses her. Using the girl's body, she speaks, "Give me another day. This is unfair. Your specifications are vague."

A frozen second passes. My lips part and I swallow a lump in my throat as I stare at her. "You... it's you."