KABANATA 20:

Confidence.

✿❯────「✿」────❮✿

※※※※※

❝You're aware of my attention all the time. Your beautiful soul is like a wave that slowly washes over you without you even realizing it, but it's everything you wanted to be. I'll always watch you from a distance; just like those waves, show them how lovely you are.❞ — from the fragments of photographs

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

I BRUSHED my fingers across the table and accidentally bumped it. It let out a loud bang, followed by a creak. The table shifted, and then a loud noise echoed as it moved across the floor. Kinagat ko na lang ang labi ko and I bit my nails and tapped my shoes anxiously dahil sa sobrang nerbyos ko. 

'Di ako makakilos mula sa kinatatayuan ko, and I'm not sure how to approach Steele at this point, given what I've discovered. Regardless of how much I hate him, 'di niya ako siniraan and he didn't hate me. In fact, I was the one who expressed a lot of anger without understanding his reasons for the breakup.

"Ay, hala ka!" Natabig ko 'yung flower vase sa table at nabasag ko 'to. Bakit ang clumsy ko ngayon? Umiling na lang ako at halos pagpawisan sa kaba.

Napatingin sa paligid si Steele and he was looking for something before he came across me. He began to run in my direction after tapping his shoes, saying, "Eteri!"

Napakurap na lang ako nang ilang segundo nang marinig ko siyang tawagin ako. 'Di ko tuloy alam ang gagawin ko. What am I going to tell him?

Sigurado akong mahuhuli niya akong nakikinig sa usapan nila kanina! That's not my intention! Now what should I do?

"Are you okay? Just now, I heard something that was broken. Nasaktan ka ba?"

"Nabasag kasi 'yung vase, kaya pupulutin ko na!" Sigaw ko na lang and I turned my head away from him, reaching for the ground before he pulled my fingers away and shut his eyes. He gritted his teeth as his muscles from his neck moved slightly, and he continued to stare at me while his heart pounded fiercely.

"Eteri, what are you doing? Your fingers could have been hurt. I'll get the janitors to clean it, so just leave it alone. H'wag kang magulo, d'yan ka lang." Steele reminded me, and as he looked at me for a long time, his eyebrows suddenly moved at kumislap ang kanyang mata habang tinitigan ako. 

Matagal niyang hawak ang kamay ko even though I don't understand why, I could almost feel his heartbeat quickening. He was clearly trying to protect me by not letting me touch any of those shards. Parang kahit simpleng bagay, ayaw niyang masaktan ako.

"Steele," I called him.

"I don't want you to get hurt. Ever again. I'll never be able to forgive myself if something happened to you."

What the?

Does he hate himself so much? That's too much!

Ang OA niya! Parang maglilinis lang ako nang nabasag ko kanina. Tinakpan ko na lang ang bibig ko, binigyan ko siya ng mahinang tapik sa braso at tumawa ng malakas. Sa sobrang tawa ko namula ang mukha ko at halos maiyak na sa kakatawa.

I wanted to stop it, but my laughter filled the entire room at puro hampas na lang ang ginawa ko sa kanya. I know he was unquestionably a bad boy pero 'di ko alam na magaling pala siyang magpatawa.

"What's this? Nag-joke ka ba? Parang 'di bagay sa isang bad boy na kagaya mo." Sabi ko na lang and I tapped my heels and crossed my arms as I approached him.

"You can tell that the bad boy isn't just making an effort to win over a girl when he wants to change. Yes, Eteri, I'm aware that I made bad choices, but if it is for you, I'll try to change it for the better."he said.

"I understand that you still find it hard to believe what I see, but I can change for the better for the sake of the girl I care about. If you believe in me, I'll change my ways regardless of what you say."

"So, will you give up on smoking then? H'wag ka na mag-vape! And h'wag ka nga masyadong masungit!" Inisa-isa ko sa kanya lahat ng saloobin ko, at saka ako umiwas ng tingin.

"All right, then. I'll do my best to be kind to you. I swear to live up to your expectations."

Pasimple niyang hinawakan ang baba niya, tinanggal ang sigarilyo sa bulsa niya, itinapon ang laman at pinunit ang kahon, na ikinatulala ko na lang. He gently touched my hair with his hand at unti-unting nawala ang mga kunot sa kanyang noo, at kahit 'di siya palangiti at tila nahihirapang igalaw ang kanyang mga labi sa buong ngiti sinubukan pa rin niya na ngumiti just for my sake.

"I'm throwing everything. Quitting is difficult, but I'll make an effort to change my way of life for you. Okay?" 

Napahawak na lang siya sa buhok niya, saka niya ginulo 'to at iwas na iwas na tumingin sa 'kin. Is smiling something he hates? Psh! Kasi pinaasa niya ako dati sa ngiti niya, kaya ngayon, kitang-kita ko na 'yung tunay niyang kulay.

Napairap na lang ako habang iniisip ko 'yon. Basta, kung gusto niyang maniwala ako, I need to see whether or not he deserves that. And as I looked at him, I couldn't help but smile and giggle.

"Tama na 'yan! Tara na, baka hinihintay na tayo ni Ate Tory, eh!" At hinatak ko siya, at nagsimula na kaming tumakbo, and as I passed those around me, the sound of my heels tapping resonated throughout the building. I shifted my hand as I sprinted toward the stairs, huffing and hurrying as though everything was spinning around me.

"You really want to hold my hand, Ry?" Itinaas niya ang aming magkabilang kamay only to discover that we have our hands entwined together at napakurap na lang ako bigla.

My cheeks began to heat up, and I blinked several times at kaagad kong binawi ang kamay ko nang tumingin ako sa kanya. He smiled at me at siya'y titig na titig sa 'kin, kinuha ang kamay ko at inilagay niya sa bulsa niya and gripped it more tightly.

"Ah, sir! 'Yung nabasag po—"

Ang janitor ay kilig na kilig habang ngumiti sa 'kin. Mukhang matanda na siya at may edad na rin and he's in his fifties at puti na ang buhok at natutuwa siya sa mga nakikita niya. Kahit na gusto kong alisin ang kamay ko mula sa jacket niya, hinawakan lang ni Steele 'to nang mahigpit. Ano bang trip niya?

Ngiting-ngiti si Steele at 'di maipaliwanag ang kasiyahang nararamdaman niya he then gestured to the right side, "Do'n po, kuya. Salamat po."

Pinaupo niya ako nang sandali, pagkatapos ay hinawakan niya dahan-dahan ang kamay ko. Tumango ako sa kanya at umupo na rin. He was repairing his camera, at 'di niya maiwasang mapatingin sa akin, at napalunok na lang ako. 

Ang lalaking ito'y patuloy na umiiral ang pagiging bwisit sa buhay ko, 'no? He tightened his grip on my hand while flapping his jacket at pagkatapos nito'y pupunta kami sa studio kung sa'n ako mag-photoshoot.

"Ano 'yon?" Inayos ko ang pagkakaupo ko't nagtanong sa kanya. Since I first heard that confession, 'pag napapatingin ako sa kanya, parang mas naging conscious tuloy ako. Kahit alam ko na 'di naman ako dapat nahihiya sa kanya.

"When we split up, wala ka bang naging boyfriend? I'm just curious, that's all," he said, looking away as he suddenly asked.

Well, where did he get the idea? I crossed my arms, tapped them, and closed my eyes as I began to think. Suddenly, there was silence between us. Why would he want to ask about it? Parang sobrang interesado naman niya. 

༄┤֍☽_____♚_____‡☽༆

ANG MGA tanong na tinatanong niya'y tungkol sa unang naging boyfriend ko, at wala ko maisip ang iba pang mga boyfriend maliban sa lalaki na unang nakilala ko noong first semester namin, it's none other than—Zadkiel. Noong panahong 'yon, siya lang kasama ko. At kailan pa siya naging chismoso?

And unfortunately, he's currently working my shift. Ang dami ko na namang utang sa kanya! Sa susunod, dapat i-libre ko na siya.

Kung tatanungin, mahirap ipaliwanag kung pa'no naging relasyon namin noon. Zadkiel is the epitome of the ideal boyfriend. He would never make me feel so alone because he cares about me at lagi ko siyang kasama sa regular na check-up ko, at 'di niya ako iniwan na mag-isa.Zadkiel was the one who paid for my therapy and medical bills, particularly during those therapy sessions.

Sa panahon na bina-blackmail ako ng tita ko sa paggamot ko, siya ang nagpagamot sa 'kin. Zadkiel is incredibly kind and cheerful, madalas nga lang tahimik and somewhat direct kaya akala mo snob, pero sa lahat ng naging ex ko, siya 'yung maipagmamalaki ko.

We had a wonderful relationship that I'll always remember, but I can't treat him badly dahil alam kong noong kami pa, si Steele pa rin ang nasa isip ko. I can't hurt him. So, we made the decision to split up and restore our friendship.

"Meron. Sa katunayan, siya ang nagsalba sa shift ko ngayon." I said to him with a smile, "Why are you suddenly so interested in my ex?"

Napailing na lang si Steele at napalunok and I crossed my arms in front of him kasi ang weird niya. Why would he suddenly ask about my ex? 

"Teka nga," Panimula ko. "Bakit ka biglang nagtatanong tungkol kay Zadkiel, ha?"

"Wala," tumitingin siya sa malayo.

Alam ko kapag nagsisinungaling 'to.

May dumating na sa studio sa loob ng ilang sandali. Mukhang may seryosong usapan sila ni Ate Tory. She looks over at me at tsaka kinawayan niya ako. Ginawa ko rin 'to sa kanya, kinawayan ko siya pabalik.

Steele shifted his chair after giving me a quick glance at inakbayan niya ako."H'wag kabahan, okay? Ry, it's you. It's impossible that you won't be hired. I have a good eye for models, so you're cut out for this. You're the most attractive of them all.I turned my head away from him at 'di ko maiwasang mahiya.

Oh, Steele! Bakit mo ba ginagawa ito sa 'kin? I'm suddenly getting giddy over him. Please, be kind to my heart.

Ipinaalam sa akin ni Ate Tory na lumapit ako by making a gesture toward me. Hinila ko ang damit ni Steele pagkatapos kong tumingin sa kanya, and he embraced me and lightly patted my back, saying, "Go ahead, you've got my back. I'm here to support you."

"I'm scared, Steele." Napayuko na lang ako at biglang naramdaman ko ang kaba.

"Hey, hey. Look at me for a sec." Itinaas niya ang mukha ko and he gently cupped my small cheeks with his large hands at napatingin na lang ako sa kanya,"You're aware that I always admire you. You can get this job, I'm sure of it, so have faith in yourself. Just be yourself, okay?"

"Eteri," Ate Tory gestured with her hand at tumango ako. Paglapit ko kay Steele and gave him a hug, causing him to blink for a while at bigla siyang namula dahil sa ginawa ko.

Kailangan ko nang lakas ng loob! It's now or never. I'll do my best because Steele's prepared to stand by me through this entire process.

Eteri, you can do this. Nandito ka na, kaya mo 'yan.