KABANTA 19

As love fades away

✿❯────「✿」────❮✿

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❝I was conflicted about whether to pursue my feelings for you or to walk away. I've made every effort to save our relationship, but it seems like everything is falling apart. All I want is to love you—why do you have to leave?❞ — from the fragments of photographs

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

"ARE YOU feeling better now?" I asked, twirling my hair, as I looked at him.

"Much, much better. And it was all thanks to you." Huminga ng malalim si Steele, niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit, at nginitian niya ako, "Would you like to go somewhere else?"

Napatigil ako ng saglit and I remembered my brothers. Naaalala ko pa ang mga parinig nila, 'Maaari ba naming makita na 'yang si baby babe?'  Hindi ko maiwasang tumawa dahil do'n. Kaya't hinawakan ko ang kanyang kamay at tiningnan siya ng seryoso.

"My brothers would like to meet you and they have been asking about it. Is this the wrong time for that?" tanong ko na lang sa kanya and I rubbed my hands together, and I bit my lip. "I mean, you're my boyfriend."

"Would you like to introduce me?" Tanong ni Steele, at tinuro ang sarili niya, at 'di siya makapaniwala sa mga sinabi ko.

A wide smile spread across his face at kung makikita mo, todo-todo talaga ang ngiti niya, at parang wala nang bukas. Yes, those smiles. All I want is to see them. Seeing him smile is the most precious thing I could ever have in this world; it's the only thing that truly matters to me.

I just want to see them. Seeing him smile is the most precious thing I could ever have in this world; it's the only thing that matters to me the most.

That's why for his sake, I'll do this, no matter how many what-ifs cross my mind—but when it comes to Steele, I'm ready for anything.

So, I'll be brave as well.

I held onto his arm and closed my eyes as I giggled at him, "Yes, would that be alright with you?" Tanong ko sa kanya and I looked at him and said, "I really don't want to keep secrets from anyone for too long."

Steele temporarily stiffened, his mouth slightly opened as he struggled to find the right words. He knitted his brows together while scanning the room, desperate to find his right words but unable to do so.

He bit his lower lip and tightened his jaw. With a heavy sigh, he glanced down, his expression revealing a mix of disbelief and confusion. Finally, he raised his gaze to meet mine, falling silent.

Nagtaka ako sa mga ekspresyon na ipinakita niya sa 'kin. Isn't he the one who wants the world to know about us? 'Di ko siya gets, eh.

"Steele?"I asked. "Is everything okay? "

"Yes, I am." Tumango na siya sa 'kin and he gave me a smile.

"Let's go now." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko, tapos sabay kaming lumabas ng hotel.

Paglabas namin, napatigil ako nang makita ko ang isang taong 'di ko inaasahan na magpapakita sa 'min. And this was supposed to be a secret. Kaya, sabihin niyo nga, Why is Tita Maeve in this place? Hindi ako makagalaw sa sitwasyon ko at 'di ko alam kung ano'ng sasabihin. Wala akong sinabi kanino man na magkikita kami ng mga kapatid ko sa labas, kaya pa'no niya nalaman 'yun?

"Why, you!" napabitaw si Steele sa kamay ko at hinarap ang tita ko na parang matagal na silang magkakilala. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito!?" sigaw niya, pero nginisian na lang siya ni Tita Maeveand she laughed mockingly at him while covering her mouth. 'Di ko maintindihan, ano bang nangyayari dito?

"Aren't you going to tell her?" Tanong na lang niya sa kanya, at lumapit pa 'to at may binulong sa kanya at kinuyom na lang ni Steele ang kamao niya. What's happening? 

"Hindi ko kayang makipag-break kay Eteri." Steele clenched his fist and closed his eyes, saying, "And neither you nor any of you can make us break apart." Kitang-kita ko kung pa'no siya nanginginig pero bakit? Ano'ng alam nila na 'di ko alam, ha? Is there something I'm missing?

"Oh, you want to play like this, child? Then fine, edi ako na lang ang magpupumilit sa girlfriend mo na makipag-break!"

"Eteri, why don't you head back to your hotel? This woman and I have to talk." Sabi na lang ni Steele at napayuko na lang ako.

I was unable to move at all. Dapat ba akong umalis? Bakit sila magkakilala? May tinatago ba sa 'kin si Steele? What did that woman do? Is she truly enjoying the fact that she wants to ruin my life? Kailangan ko na ng sagot. Kahit ga'no pa kasakit 'to, I can take as much as I can handle. 

"Steele, do you love me?" Tinanong ko siya, tapos napahawak na lang ako sa dibdib ko. Napaurong siya ng sandali at 'di nakasagot.

I waited for him to answer back, but it seemed like he was not in the mood to do so. I could sense that he truly loved me, and we were very happy, even if it was only for a few days. My chest is thumping violently now that I've held onto it. In the middle of all of this chaos, he seemed to be the only person who truly mattered to me.

I trembled as I reached out to him and clutched his arms, desperate as though I might lose him if I didn't hold him tightly enough. I don't want to let go of his cozy presence. I'm unwilling to let him go.

"Eteri, please." Sabi na niya at iniwasan niya ako. 

Bigla na lang tumulo ang mga luha ko at napayuko ako. When someone was lying to me, I hated it. After drowning myself numerous times and failing to save myself, I've grown weary of attempting to understand others.

Lubog na lubog na 'ko sa lahat ng 'to. Pagod na rin ako. Pero patuloy kong pinipilit lumaban dahil umasa akong isa ka sa taong 'di ako iiwan, Steele. Nangako ka, 'di 'ba?

"I'm not sure what my aunt said to you, but I beg you, Steele, to please. If you're going to leave me, then just do so. Don't lead me to your false hopes, as that's what I truly detested." I speak, my voice trembling as I utter those words. I cried after blinking, which didn't really help me that much.

Tahimik pa rin siya.

"I can spare all the pain you can give, basta't bilisan mo na lang, h'wag mo na akong paiyakin pa at palalain pa 'yung sitwasyon ko because I'm way too sensitive."

I looked at Steele again, but he averted his eyes. He was holding himself up to say nothing, and all he could do was gulp violently while clenching his jaws. He was at a loss for words as he stared at me. Why must he inflict such pain on me?

Si Tita Maeve naman, nakayuko na lang, yakap-yakap ang sarili't hindi rin makatingin sa 'kin. She had to make a scene after hurrying in here, but now she couldn't even afford to say it? She avoided looking at me, and all that remained was the sound of kids playing on the sand and their mingled laughter. However, the three of us are still tense, as though they were about to crush us.

Lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko at napahawak na lang ako sa dibdib ko. They avoid this situation, which makes me even more hurt. I'm not sure if I was angry, but perhaps I was desperate to find an answer.

I let out a deep sigh and turned towards them both. "Talaga bang wala kayong sasabihin?"

༄┤֍☽_____♚_____‡☽༆

"WALA AKONG sasabihin," sabi na lang ni Tita Maeve, sabay kagat ng labi niya at halos manginig and she gave me a look. She averted her gaze from me and seemed to be feeling guilty about something. She tried not to look at my stares as she scanned the beach. The tension between the three of us increased as she clenched her fist.

"Tita," I couldn't even call her because my mind is so full of unsettling thoughts that I don't want to face. I looked at her and resumed my discussion, saying, "Killed? Are you really able to do that?Sino po ang pinatay? It's just strange, you know. You appear to be so involved with his family that I have no idea what's going on!" Ramdam ko na malapit nang pumatak ang mga luha ko, kaya tinignan ko na lang siya ng seryoso. 

Desperate to get the whole truth from her, I moved closer to her. "What's the reason behind this? Why do you want to end our relationship? This is absurd depending on how you see it, and I'm aware that you despise me! Ano ba! Pipi ka ba? Magsalita ka naman!" Naramdaman ko na lang na bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko and I was stung by this betrayal, which hit me like a direct blow.  

She refuses to look at me. She maintains her position and tries to keep her eyes off of me. Nanatili siya sa pwesto niya at 'di kumilos. She's unwilling to speak at all. I'm sure she did something. I'm always able to tell when—someone is playing me, you know.

She inhaled deeply, and I noticed that her mouth moved at parang nanginig na lang siya. Those seem to be throaty voices.

"Kung gusto mo malaman ang buong katotohanan, then fine. I'll tell you about it. Sisirain ng lalaking 'yan ang reputation ko bilang doctor." As though she had been choking on those words for years, they finally escaped her lips. She appeared to be in a lot of pain, which I never saw coming from her.

"Dahil sa malpractice na ginawa ko...over years ago." She swallowed hard, as though those acceptances were going to make her fall apart. She found it impossible to look at me at sobrang nahihiya siya sa ginawa niya. Kaya napatingin na lang siya sa mga buhangin, Eteri, his grandfather opened the case. And he's pursuing me." Her eyes are fixed on mine. 'Di ko alam kung dapat ba akong maawa sa kanya.

"I'm being targeted...and I don't want that kid to destroy me," she said, turning away once more. "He's going to ruin me. Eteri, I can't go to jail. 'Di ko sinasadya na mapatay ang tatay niya sa operasyon ko!"

Parang nanginig na lang ako sa mga sinabi niya sa 'kin. For a time, everything ceased to move. The sound of blood rushing through my ears caused my eyes to widen. My mind seems to be hazy about everything. I also had trouble thinking clearly. She has never looked like this to me. This was not the woman who has scolded me with intense love over the years that I have known her. In love? But no, I couldn't even recognize it as love. Like she always did, she only wants to take the credit!

She is a broken, vulnerable, and desperate person. She was weaker than I had ever seen her. Pero wala pa rin akong maramdaman. Parang nabibingi na ako sa lahat ng nangyayari.

I just can't believe her.

It almost sounds like a command when she says, "Break up with him. For your own benefit, please. I don't want to involve you in this. Masisira ka lang kung patuloy kang mananatili sa lalaking 'yan." Something I hadn't heard from her in years was the trembling in her voice. Her eyes were also filled with tears.

I was struck by those words, and they kept repeating in my mind.

Steele remained in his position at napaurong na lang siya nang mapatingin siya sa'ming dalawa.

From what I remember, Steele began to change after he and my aunt had a conversation. He used to be a loving boyfriend pero pagkatapos ng araw na 'yon, hindi na siya nagpakita pa sa 'kin. 

I keep contacting him and phoning him pero wala akong natatanggap na sagot, ang tanging nakuha ko lang ay ang pagsagot niya sa tawag ko even so, he's not even speaking. And we were already on our eleventh day in Boracay and at any moment paalis na rin kami.

Ang hinihingi ko lang naman sa kanya ay isang sagot. Isang dahilan kung bakit siya biglang nawala parang bula. The floor tiles were surrounded by my footsteps, and I wasn't aware of my surroundings.

I continue to tap my phone on the messages I'm sending him while keeping my head down. I'm having trouble figuring out where I was going because the people around me are blurry.

I just need an explanation, Steele! Sagot mo lang! Hindi 'yung ganito! Parang pinagmumukha mo na akong tanga, naghihintay sa wala. Sabay-sabay na tumulo ang luha ko at lalong humigpit ang hawak ko sa cellphone.

"Eteri, tama na 'yan, please tumigil ka na." Hinawakan ni Cana ang balikat ko and she sighed. "H'wag kang magpakatanga para sa kanya. He ghosted you."

"Cana," Umiling si Halley at pinatayo siya nito, "Let Eteri handle this." 

"Bes, tangina naman! Ano, ha? Wala tayong gagawin? 'Yung kaibigan natin, luhaan na dahil sa lalaking nanghost sa kanya and you want me to watch habang umiiyak si Eteri?" Napahawak si Cana sa bewang niya at napapikit na lang siya.

"It's not like that," Halley sighed, "I also care about her, and it's best that she worked through this alone. It also hurts me when she's in pain at alam mong may sakit 'yan. But please, Cana."

Nagpapadyak si Cana, kinuha ang bag niya at tinignan niya kami pareho ng matatalim na titig. "Bahala nga kayo!"

Then, my phone just rang. Steele sent me a text message.

From Steele:

I hope that this is the last time I ever received this message from you. That fantasy of yours is over. Stop being delusional. Wake up. Because I never fall in love with you and I don't I will. Goodbye. Don't come and look for me. You came from the family that I hate. Tama si Lolo, isang kalokohan na ma-in-love sa isang katulad mo.

Sa tulad ko... 

Napapikit na lang ako, at paulit-ulit bumalik sa isip ko ang mga sinabi niya. Nanginig ang mga kamay ko, hanggang sa nabitawan ko na lang ang cellphone ko. Niloko lang ba talaga niya ako? Did he really fall in love with me? Did he really love me?

Pero 'yung paraan ng pagkakasabi niya, 'di siya ganun. That's not what Steele will do or say to me. Masyado na nga ba akong nagpakatanga sa kanya? Or baka ako lang talaga 'yung nainlove sa 'min? And he never liked me at all. Pinaglaruan lang niya ako. He just ghosted me. 'Yun na ba ang dahilan niya? Basta na lang siya aalis nang walang sinabi?

"Eteri? Has he sent you a text? What had he—"

Napatingin na lang ako kay Halley, tumakbo ako papunta sa kanya, at niyakap ko na lang siya ng mahigpit.My words are not providing an explanation. My only option was to cry.

"He ended our relationship, Halley. He..."

I had trouble even processing what I was saying at sobrang hinang-hina ko na at ramdam ko ang panginginig ng katawan ko, hanggang sa tuluyan akong nawalan ng lakas at napaluhod na lang. Hindi ko na napigilan at kusang tumulo ang mga luha ko. Napahawak na lang ako sa mukha ko and I cried.

"I know, Eteri. I know." Hinimas naman ni Halley ang likod ko at niyakap ako ng mahigpit, "Tangina niya! Gago siya para gawin sa 'yo ang ganitong bagay!"

Lalo pang tumulo ang luha ko at napatingin ako sa kanya."Why must I endure this kind of suffering? Was being kind really a curse? Kapag ba sobra mong bait sa lahat, kapalit ba nito ay paulit-ulit na pangago na lang?"

"I also find it really hard to believe that a jerk like that could make you cry because he seemed to be taking care of you. A complete asshole, if I may say so," Halley sighed, and she crossed her arms and hissed for a while. "Maybe he's not really a prince at all, Eteri.  

At nang araw na 'yon, doon na nagwakas ang lahat. Sa isang dahilan na 'di ko maintindihan, iniwan niya ako sa mga oras na pinaka-kailangan ko siya.

Because every time I see one, I'm reminded of how easy it is for him to make me look foolish.

But regrettably, I'm one of his victims. As he should be, he's nothing more than a damn player.

⇝BACK TO THE PRESENT ⇜

"And yes, it's all my fault."

Nasa gilid lang ako at tagong-tago and I couldn't resist giving him a quick glance. Particularly to witness Steele's current appearance and his taking something in his guilt he has caused. I turned away because I was as clueless as he was about the answer.

What does it really mean that he said I was the only girl he liked, even if I wanted to ignore what he said? I don't understand him at all.

"So, wala na ba talagang chance kahit ilang percent lang?"The others sighed as they asked him, unable to imagine the smallest possibility that Steele and I could reconnect.

Umiling siya. She needs to heal. She has the final decision because I have hurt her too much."

"Pero mahal niyo pa 'no?"

All he can do is smile in response. "I love her. Siya lang ang nagiging girlfriend ko na maipagmamalaki ko. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. My Ry, she's the only one for me."