KABANATA 11

Overheard conversations.

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❝ Did I finally get back into her heart? In my opinion, my feelings for her remained unchanged. Every minute would pause, time would stop, and she would only be in my world. In my opinion, she's the only thing that's beautiful. And I would definitely show the world how beautiful she is if I could have her back.❞ — from the fragments of photographs

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

STEELE LOOKED even more shocked than he could have been. "Eteri," he said, calling my name, and I simply closed my eyes. How many more times must I make a fool of myself? Really, my mind is racing like there's no time to relax. I must have done something really embarrassing, didn't I? Sobrang tensyonado kaming dalawa at wala ni isa sa'min ang gustong bumasag ng katahimikan.

I looked so eager to leave that I grunted even more and showed my shyness. Oo! Gusto ko na lang talagang makaalis sa kahiyayan na ginawa ko. 'Di naman talaga ako pumapatol however, Sarice's comments about him enrage me greatly. Parang ang dali lang kasi para sa kanya na manghusga ng iba! I had to lash out at her because of this na alam ko na ginagawa ko lang naman 'yon kapag napipikon ako kay Steele, pero iba 'pag hinuhusgahan na niya ang ibang tao. 

Steele's eyes were still on me, and I was so embarrassed that I had to turn away as my cheeks began to flush and I rearranged my hair to cover my entire face. A warm smile that was full of good intentions was plastered all over him; it wasn't his typical irritating smile. No more pretending.

Itinaas niya ang kamay niya and he grinned and gave me a head pat, saying, "You did fantastic. No, well done, Eteri. You have my complete respect. If you did something right, you don't have to feel bad about it. Tell yourself, then, that you did a great job defending yourself."

"Steele," I began to call him at tumalikod na ako para hilahin na lang ang damit niya.

I remained there for a while before going silent for a short while again. I had no idea what to say at tinitigan ko na lang siya sa mata and I sobbed once more while biting my bottom lip. My tears were finally streaming down my face, and I was unable to control the feelings I had been suppressing for so long. Napaka-iyakin ko kahit kailan. Kahit simpleng bagay, dali-dali ko nang umiyak.

Steele let out a sigh at me at kinuha naman niya ang panyo niya at pinunasan niya nang dahan-dahan ang mga luha ko. "Palagi na lang kita pinapaiyak, ha? Gago ko talaga. Minsan, pasapak na lang Eteri. Mukhang deserve ko nga, eh. And when you do, don't hold back," he repeated, grinning at me. Even though I know he's just helping me feel better, I still feel horrible.

Ilang beses akonng umiling sa kanya at patuloy lang ang pag-iyak ko. I should have been aware of how I questioned myself whenever those people harassed me and slapped me in my own insecurities pero ano'ng pinagkaiba ko sa kanila when I treated him the same way? Naging bingi ako sa gusto niyang ipaliwanag dahil nagalit ako sa kanya, dahil akala ko niloko niya ako.

I simply drew nearer to him because I wanted to say something but couldn't at saka ako tumingkayad para mayakap ko siya. I could sense his heartbeat getting louder. Kahit ngayong araw lang, gusto ko masuklian ang lahat ng ginawa niya para sa 'kin. Give us our own time. I also wanted to let him know that I'm with him.

He was giddy and bit his lip because he felt like he was living in his own world. "Eteri, baka umasa ako, ha!"

Umirap na lang ako. Ang ingay pa rin niya!

After a short while, I heard a woman laughing at us, and it turned out to be Ate Tory. Napahawak na lang siya sa bibig niya at tuwang-tuwa lang siya sa nakikita niya sa'min."I apologize for disturbing you, sweethearts, but I believe it's vital that we prepare Eteri. Do you agree?"

Ngumuso na lang saglit si Steele at napakamot na lang sa ulo niya and mouthed, 'Sayang! Gusto ko pa sanag yakapin eh!' He even made some faces after that at sinamaan siya ng tingin ang ate niya. Parang tanga!

He cleared his throat a little at inayos na naman ang leather jacket niya, Yes, without a doubt. It would be all right, of course." Halos malito-lito pa siya kung sa'n siya pupunta at mamula-mula pa rin ang buong mukha niya. Napansin niya na papunta naman na ang ibang staffs, at saka niya nginitian ang mga 'to. "Ladies, please get her dress and makeup."

Tumango-tango naman ang mga babae at halatang kinikilig pa yata sa'min.

"Tara na po Ma'am!" They said excitedly.

"Sure," I said, grinning at the other employees.

Sinimulan nilang hawakan ang buhok ko and parang amazed na amazed sila doon. Since I frequently vlog about cosmetics, particularly makeup, I also make sure na maayos na shampoo ang ginagamit ko para sa buhok ko. What? Is it exaggerating?

Kumuha naman ng upuan 'yung isang babae, saka siya humarap sa 'kin, "Miss, pwede bang magtanong? What connection do you have with Sir Steele? Ang sweet niyo kanina, ha!"

"Oo nga eh! Kung 'di ko kayo kilala, isipin kong nanonood ako ng K-drama sa pagiging sweet ninyo!"

"Oo nga po, eh! Bagay kayo!"

"Totoo! Mag-jowa ba kayo ni Sir Steele?"

Am I now being flooded with questions?

"Well," I said clumsily at napatingin ako sa kanila. Mukha naman silang 'di masamang tao. I mean, they weren't all that concerned about my vitiligo.

'Di lang siguro ako sanay na may kausap maliban kay Halley. Gayundin, maliban sa mga araw ng vlog ko, bihira akong umalis sa dormitoryo at madalas na kausapin si Halley thus, I'm at a loss for words. Depending on what my professor wants me to look into, I will either stay at home or in libraries where I complete my tasks, like looking up information in encyclopedias.

It actually entails sifting through a great deal of unwanted information in order to find the right information.

Sometimes, like when you look up a word in an encyclopedia, you only want one item from a well-organized knowledge base. Other times, you have to choose something valuable from a pile of junk, like removing pictures from a damaged hard drive or locating someone's address on a post. Kaya wala rin akong masyadong time makipag-inuman o gumala dahil 'di madali ang course ko. 

You know, I wasn't always the kind to genuinely strike up a conversation. As if a new emotion had crept in, I bit the side of my cheeks and lowered my gaze. There are whispers, but I'm too shy to share some details. I feel the weight of many things I wanted to say but couldn't. Like a grey cloud, I'm terrified of the sun's sight. Feelings of shyness, if that's too accurate.

I've stated it many times: I'm an introvert. I couldn't open up at all unless someone made an effort to start a conversation. For me, this is a new experience. Opening up to someone besides Halley.

Matapos nila akong ayusan, I sprinted over to the mirror para makita ko ang hitsura ko, saka ko hinawakan ko ang magkabilang pisngi ko at 'di ako makapaniwala sa hitsura ko. I looked at myself after that, and for the first time, I felt really attractive. I blushed a little and smiled in front of the mirror because I felt like everything was shining.

I put a lot of effort into my vlogs and did a lot of research on makeup, but I still feel like I'm dreaming, hindi ko inakala na magiging modelo ako ng kompanyang 'to. All that I could do is to smile at the staffs and thank them as much that I could.

Beauty isn't limited to what you see in the mirror, and I was an artistic creation. There's nothing to be afraid of with vitiligo. I have reason to be proud of this accomplishment.

I take it that this is pumpkin spice latte makeup?" Napatanong ako ro'n sa mga staffs at nginitian ko sila. I liked how they changed my makeup; it looks good on me!

The newest food-inspired makeup craze on TikTok is pumpkin spice lattes. Its predecessor, latte makeup, which was characterized by bronzed cheeks and nude lips, dominated the app's beauty scene during the summer, so this isn't exactly a shocking turn of events.

The 7.3 million views on the #pumpkinspicemakeup page show that creators are warming up their latte looks with shades of cinnamon brown and rustic orange now that the weather is getting cold.

They performed admirably!

When I heard footsteps, I realized that Ate Tory was entering my dressing room at kinawayan niya kami and her eyes brighten at dali-dali siyang lumapit papunta sa 'kin and she held my hands while grinning at me. "Ang ganda mo!"

Nakaramdam ko bigla ang hiya at napayuko ako.

"Hey, don't be tense around me; it's okay. Do what brings you joy, please. " Paalala naman ni Ate Tory sa 'kin. 

Lagi ko iniisip kung pa'no niya ako tinitignan nang diretsowhen I constantly worry about people observing me. It is a totally new experience for me to be in a warm setting like this. "Eteri, why don't you find Steele for me?" she said with a smile. "Inform him that you must go for an interview. I also want him to take pictures of you. Could you help me with that?"

Up close, 'di ko maiwasan mapatitig kay Ate Tory, magkamukhang-magkamukha sila ni Steele sa malapitan. Pero mas mukha nga lang talaga siyang foreigner. She's the warmest person I have ever met.

"Opo." I smiled at her.

༄┤֍☽_____♚_____‡☽༆

IT SOUNDED really beautiful, and I could hear some conversation going on around the space. It felt like a brand-new color of life. There are a lot of voices coming from each other in the room, and it appears that everyone was really involved in their conversation. There are a lot of voices in the room, and they all contribute to the continuous energy and whispers that make the space lively once more. People became engrossed in their conversation, experiencing euphoria and enjoyment simultaneously.

It turned out to be Steele. He was enjoying the company of others. And it seemed like he was always pulling you into his own world on purpose. Madalas siyang makakuha ng atensyon ng iba nang ganun kadali.

"Hindi nga!? That attractive girl is—"

"She's my ex." I heard him mentioning me, so lumapit ako ng bahagya para makita kung ano'ng pinaguusapan nila and I was struck by how joyful he appeared. "She is the only woman I love, and I will always love her."

"If you were comfortable with it, pwede bang malaman kung bakit kayo nag-break?"

I'm aware that this would appear to be unfair pero gusto ko rin naman kasing malaman kung bakit. Perhaps I could have fully grasped why it put us both in this situation.

Steele sighed and could only look down. He could only reply with a serious expression on his face, as if he already knew his situation. He tugged at the chair with his hands tsaka siya umupo ro'n, "Ang naalala ko lang, masyado pa kaming bata no'n. Nagkakilala kami no'n when we were both senior high school graduates. She and I met in the summer. The summer romance I will always remember."

Yes, I would always remember that particular moment. Nag-prepare na ako para sa upcoming exams ko sa Nursing. Yes, I failed the exams that were meant to determine my future as a nursing student. It was one of the things I regret most in my life.

⋆┈┈｡ﾟ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪𓆙 ❁ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ﾟ｡┈┈⋆

FOUR YEARS AGO 

ALL I COULD do was laugh at them. At saka ako nagbasa ng libro habang papunta kami sa entrance ng beach. Now that I'm about to enter college, dalawa na yata ang university na pinagpipilian ko: St. Mary Private College o Solstice Academy Excellence. 

I picked up my phone and chose to visit the Solstice Academy website. Isang oras lang din naman ang byahe nito, katulad sa St. Mary. Ang pinagkaiba nga lang, liliko ka pa talaga sa bayan bago makapasok. At madalas pa ang trapik kapag 'don ka dumaan.

Moreover, the majority of their courses were focused on medicine kaya nga do'n ako gustong papasukin ni Mama. Pero ayoko naman talaga ng kurso tungkol sa medicine eh. Since I was really awkward in the lab, I seriously doubt kung makakapasok ba ako sa nursing.

"Mag-educ ka! Education, Eteri! Tigilan mo 'yan!" suway sa'kin ni Halley, "H'wag mong ipilit ang kursong 'di mo gusto, sinasabi ko sa'yo. Ako ang makikipaglaban sa magulang mo, gusto mo? The final course you will take in college is education!"

Alam na alam niya talaga kung ano'ng gusto ko, kaya napailing na lang ako.

At wala man lang akong nagawa dahil kinuha niya ang cellphone at libro ko. "Mag-enjoy muna tayo, ha. Bakasyon pa, Eteri, ha."

"Pero teka, maiba lang ako. How is everything going, Eteri? Did you let your parents know that you were going to live in dorms as part of your Bachelor of Library and Information Science program? For sure naman, sa taas ng grades mo noon sa STEM, wala nang masasabi ang mga 'yon!" Cara gives me encouragement.

If only it were simple.

I lack the courage to even say it.

I looked down abruptly, and my thoughts were louder than ever. Naghahanap lang talaga ako ng tiyempo kung pa'no ko sasabihin sa kanila.It's difficult, but I wish I had more strength to express what I truly want. I was raised in a strict, toxic home where kids were constantly compared to one another. Na parang kailangan kong dalhin 'yung bigat na 'yon, na kailangan ko maging isang engineer or isang doctor merely to carry on their legacy. It's not what I want, though.

I'm feeling pressured by it.

Children aren't created to simply be subjected to generational trauma. 'Di mo sila pinanganak para pagbuntunan ng paulit-ulit na beses na trauma na ibibigay mosimply because your life has gotten worse. You have them because you love them, not to impose all of your personal beliefs and ideals on them.

Regretfully, my family environment is one of this type. A house isn't always regarded as a place you can call home.