KABANATA 08:

Do you still find me meaningful?

✿❯────「✿」────❮✿

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❝ My only desire was to express my love for you. However, is it really too late? If I had loved and cherished you as you deserve, perhaps we wouldn't have found ourselves in this dire situation. As if the knots I tied were slowly unraveling, you would always try to escape me, no matter how many times I appeared in front of you. Can we no longer accomplish it?❞ — from the fragments of photographs

༄彡፨֍༄彡፨༄彡፨֍

HE WAS BEAMING and felt as though the sun was shining through him, making him want to dance. He decided to run after me because he couldn't wait any longer and called out to me, "Wait! " Sigaw na lang ni Steele sa'kin. Bahala siya d'yan. I have had enough of his jokes.

Binilisan ko na lang ang paglakad para maiwasan ko nang tuluyan ang lalaking 'to, pero sa haba ng hakbang niya, he managed to overtake me. I'm starting to get annoyed with him.

Tumakbo-takbo pa talaga siya sa harapan para lang ipakita sa'kin that I had no chance of getting away from him, and a smile formed on his lips, "Baka nakakalimutan mong basketball player ako, ha?"

I abruptly stopped moving, gritted my teeth, and turned my head away. I was thinking loudly, and I glared at him while slowly clutching my fist. Masyado yata siya nasisiyahan para asar-asarin ako, 'no? Now, what does he wish to boast about? Kung ano man 'yon, wala ako panahon para sa kanya. Bwisit siya! 

"Sige lang, iyabang mo pa ang grades mo, and boast all of your positive traits while letting you know that I don't give a shit." I crossed my arms and slowly shifted my arms in front of him at 'di ko mapigilan na irapan siya.

I don't have time to play games with him, but I know he must have a lot of energy to do all of this. I felt as though I was in a dark place once more, and I became aware of how loud my thoughts are at the moment. I really don't have the time to handle this.

I couldn't possibly be in the same place as him, just based on the way those girls view me. Kaya ngayon pa lang, kaya ko na siyang iwasan I must then do that. I don't want anyone to make comparisons between us again. Steele and I were simply too far apart. I can't take it any longer.

"Sandali nga lang," Steele's tone was solemn and low. Huminga siya nang malalim and clenched his jaws while holding onto his fist at tinignan niya ako nang seryoso, You don't think I'd notice? Hanggang kailan mo gagawin sa'kin 'to? When will you stop avoiding me? You believe that it's time for us to discuss what truly happened?" Wow! Talaga palang lakas ng loob niyang itanong pa 'yon sa'kin? Really?

Tension permeates our relationship, and his expression conveys how frustrated he was that I was avoiding him when he tried to talk to me. 'Di ko alam kung pa'no ko siya kakausapin tungkol do'n.

Could he please stop?

"What is it that you desire?"

'Di makapaniwala si Steele sa mga ginagawa ko ngayon and he gazed at me with intense intensity, making me feel as though I couldn't leave. "You're attempting to escape from me," he said. "With what reason is that?"

Kung alam naman na niya pala ang sagot, pwes, bakit niya pa kailangan itanong sa'kin, ha? Oo gustong-gusto ko siyang iwasan! I made sure I couldn't look him in the eye kahit na ang hirap makawala sa mga tingin niyang 'yon.

Kasi ang totoo niyan, maraming tao ang pilit na ipinamumukha sa'kin ang masakit na katotohanan. Laging pinamumukha sa'kin ng ibang tao kung ano lang ako at kung ano lang dapat ako, kaya oo, sobrang sakit ng mga opinion ng iba sa'kin. At wala akong magawa kundi lunukin lahat ng salitang 'yon. Kasi sa mata nila, pangit ako.

Magkaibang-magkaiba kami ni Steele. Our worlds couldn't be more different.

Tsaka, ano pa ba ang dapat naming pag-usapan sa mga puntong 'to? Malinaw naman na sa'kin ang lahat. Perhaps because he abandoned me and left me hanging, dahil kinahihiya niya ako. 'Yon naman ang totoo, eh. Obviously, I understand. 

Wala siyang dapat hingin na explanation dahil naiintindihan ko kung bakit ang dal-dalii akong iwanan ng iba. Dahil sa pangit ako.

I feel far away now. Simply existing in an area where I wish to hide. All I want to do is leave. Everything seems to return more and more as we get closer. At ayoko nang masaktan ng dahil do'n. Minsan na niya akong nasaktan and that won't ever happen again.

"Wala ako alam sa sinasabi mo," tanging nasagot ko na lang sa kanya.

"What would happen if I told you that I still love you?"

Napakagat na lang ako sa labi ko at 'di ko maintindihan ang mga pinagsasabi niya. Nababaliw na ba siya? Alam ko na bwisit siya peroIt never even occurred to me that he would truly drop this low. I just couldn't believe it either, and my mind is finally processing what he said to me. I felt as though all of the shaking had passed through my body as I looked at him in shock and ran my fingers through my hair.

'Di ko napigilan ang sarili ko na itinulak ko na lang siya palayo, "Pwede ba Steele, h'wag mo na akong gawing tanga! Hindi na ako magpapakatanga sa'yo if that's what you wish to think! Hindi na ako 'yung dating babaeng laging humahabol sa'yo, at 'di na ako aasa pa sa'yo. Kaya utang ng loob, tama na. Tumigil ka na!" Sigaw ko na lang, at naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng labi ko and I simply turned my head away from him and gave myself a hug.

Even so, I'm aware that I was already unable to get out of this situation. People can easily harm me in this way because I always appeared so vulnerable.

Right now, the only thing I could do was repeatedly tap my forehead. I feel like I was on the verge of losing control of my emotions, which are all over the place. Dahan-dahan na tumulo ang mga luha ko and this confrontation that I desperately want to avoid is making my thoughts louder and louder. 

Pwede bang h'wag na niyang sabihin 'yon? Stop it, please. Quit acting as though he truly cared for me.

"Why Eteri? Why are you obligated to do this? Why not tell me about all of your pains instead of tapping your forehead? So I can understand how you truly feel. Sisihin mo'ko! Sigawan mo'ko! At kahit pa murahin mo'ko, nang sa gano'n makita ko kung ano 'yung nararamdaman mo kaysa sa ganito." Seryosong sabi ni Steele and it sounded like he was really tense and was finding it difficult to face me.  

Bakit, ha? Ano pa bang magagawa kung sabihin ko 'yung nararamdaman ko? Is there anyone who will listen to me? 'Di' ba wala naman? Sa tuwing ilalabas ko ang saloobin ko and people either think I'm a weak person or they're trying to convince me that my reaction was inappropriate, even though they're the ones who constantly make me feel bad! They constantly ignore my emotions, believing that I'm weak and that I'm not permitted to feel them.

What comes next? They were able to repeatedly abuse me while considering themselves! Nasanay silang makita akong malakas, pero 'di nila inisip na kailangan ko rin ng tulong. Fuck, I can't always be strong!

I also need a reminder that it's allowable to feel weak. Someone needs to reassure me that I'm supported and loved. Mahirap bang hingin 'yon? Kaya masisi niyo ba ako kung sobrang taas na ng wall ko sa ibang tao dahil sa paulit-ulit na pinapakita ng ibang tao na kayang-kaya nila akong husgahan because of my Vitiligo. Oo tinitiis ko silang lahat however, that doesn't imply that I fucking agree with what they have said!

Akala siguro nila natutuwa ako kapag tinatawanan nila ako and let my insecurities and make my life a laughing stock? No! That's unacceptable!

Diretso ko siyang tinignan and a smile formed on my lips, despite how deeply this entire situation affected me, "Bakit? Is there someone who will truly understand me? Eh sarili ko ngang tita, halos isuka na ako since I have vitiligo. So, sino bang makakaintindi sa'kin, ha?"

Tumulo na lang ang luha ko at agad ko 'tong pinunasan. Then my eyes started to well up with tears again, and I was unable to stop. Hindi naman ako dapat nagkakaganito. Hindi ako dapat maging mahina but it really hurt me to be reminded of all my fears. I was unable to open up to others because of this, and because I'm introverted, most of the time people misinterpret me dahil alam ko may ibang tao na kaya ka lang apak-apakan ng gano'n. 

༄┤֍☽_____♚_____‡☽༆

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME. I'd say I'm pretty friendly. Pero ilan lang talaga ang pinapapasok ko sa buhay ko. Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm so easily judged. Kaya mas pinipili ko na lang na mag-isa.It's not a bad thing, either. Because I was difficult to get along with, people simply assumed that I was an introvert.

Many people assume you're an introvert, and you probably have a lot of enemies. At madalas ka raw masungit, at ang hirap mong lapitan. I feel uncomfortable around people who bully me, so how can I build relationships with them? I simply don't like to initiate the conversation; I'm usually adopted by an extroverted person. I'm not sure how I managed to draw them in so much when I was just awkwardly silent.

I will therefore need some time before I can be open with someone once more. 

Tignan ko na lang si Steele and he appeared to be feeling even more uncomfortable than he already was. He seemed to be bothered by his own thoughts as he avoided looking at me and clutched his shirt. "Eteri, nandito pa ako. H'wag mo sanang sarilinin ang lahat. Allow your problems to bother me as well. Hindi kita iiwan."

He's not someone I believe in. Siguro paraan lang niya 'to para makuha ulit ako. Nakakatawa siya. Nagawa pa niyang magbiro sa oras na 'to?

"Sinungaling ka," sabi ko na lang sa kanya habang tinitigan ko siya at tumulo na naman ang luha ko. Hanggang kailan ba niya ako papaiyakin? And I felt compelled to approach him at hinigit ko 'yung damit niya, "Kung mahal mo talaga ako, 'di mo'ko iiwan no'ng panahon na 'yon! Abandoning me when I needed you the most, you have the audacity to say all of these things! Ganyan ka ba magmahal? Tangina, 'di ko kailangan ang pagmamahal mo!"

Steele looked at me once more, and it seemed as though he was bearing all of the burdens he had been carrying for a while. Besides that, his emotions were too wounded, and it was like a knot that had previously been impossible to untangle. He was staring at me, displaying the depth of his wounds and pain, and he asked, "Eteri, do you really think that? Sa tingin mo, kaya kitang saktan ng ganun-ganun na lang? Please open your eyes and look at me." I'm not sure why, but it sounded like an order. Ayoko nang pakinggan ang paliwanag niya! Pagod na ako!

'Di ko na alam.

Ano ba ang dapat kong paniwalaan?

Ano bang pinagkaiba niya sa kanila, ha? Nagawa niyang iwanan ako, at katulad lang nila, madali para sa kanya na maloko niya ako kaya niya niya ginagawa 'to! He's finally been overcome by guilt, huh? Konsensiya na niya 'yon! My emotions are all over the place, and I'm having trouble calming down. Isn't he aware that we're both in pain already? Tears are streaming from my eyes, and they're falling too fast. Na para bang ang dali kong masaktan.

Kaya please lang, Steele, tama na. H'wag mo na sana guluhin pa ang buhay ko! H'wag mo na rin lituhin pa ang feelings ko! At h'wag na h'wag mo na akong paglaruan pa! The only thing I know is that I just woke up, and my fantasy of finding a loving man is only in my head. Wala nang magmamahal sa'kin. 

"Bakit mo 'to ginagawa?" I was finally brave enough to ask him.

No matter how you see it, it's odd for him to fall inlove with a girl who had a vitiligo like me. Baka husgahan lang din siya katulad ko. I-kwestyon lang din siya dahil nagustuhan niya ang pangit na tulad ko.

Steele, wake up. Our story isn't a romantic love story in which the princess eventually finds her prince charming. I'm not a princess, either. I'm not at all like a princess. Kaya 'yung sinasabi ng iba na harapin ko ang realidad, alam ko na 'yon matagal na.

With another sigh, Steele approached me and cupped my cheeks. Not only was he stunning up close, but his face was the epitome of what it means to be a handsome man. I'm most drawn to his features, especially his untidy, curly hair. Huminga siya ng malalim at tinignan niya ako sa mata, "Dahil mahal pa kita. Kahit kailan, 'di nagbago ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo."

Napausog na lang ako sa kanya however, he then slowed down and gently placed his hands on my waist at napahawak na lang ako sa damit niya at 'di ko maiwasang mamula sa mga sinasabi niya. Alam kong 'di na siya nagbibiro this time, and his gaze is like a blade, and I was unable to avoid his traps.

"A—Ano?" tanong ko. "Ano'ng sinabi mo?" I wanted to clarify. I want to be certain that he's not deceiving me.

Natahimik siya ng ilang saglit at napayuko na lang. 'D niya malaman kung ano'ng dapat sabihin sa'kin and was at a loss for words to express it. The only thing he could do was to handle all of his frustrations by messing up his hair and saying, "I love you, Eteri. Not only did I love you during that summer affair, but I still do. However, I suppose it's too late now. Because I made a mistake."

He breathed as he gently pressed his face against my forehead at nang lumapit siya sa'kin, agad ko namang sinara ang mata ko.I'm still terrified. I'm not even sure if I can pull this off.

His heartbeat was quickening, which increased my level of anxiety. Naramdaman ko ang labi niya sa aking noo, at tsaka niya ako hinalikan. Maya-maya, naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng kanyang mga luha and he mouthed, 'Take care, my angel,' while grinning pitifully as he messed up my hair.

My mouth only opened a little, and I had no idea how I should respond. After that, I touched my forehead, and all of a sudden, I could feel my cheeks getting a little hotter and flushed. Is he implying that he still had feelings for me? Me? I'm already confused by him, and now he's making it worse!

The sun shone brightly at sobrang lakas pala ng sinag ng araw at hindi ko namalayan na kanina pa pala ako nakatayo sa tindi ng init.I had just decided to return to the cafe and was going to put my back against the wall when I was startled to see a shadow on the wall. Out of nowhere, I saw a man—and if I may guess, mukhang mas bata siya sa'kin—lumapit siya sa'kin at napansin ko ang ID niya mula sa College of Engineering.

Although his face is hardly visible, he has green hair that is similar to mine, and his hair is short and straight brown hair at matangos ang ilong niya, makapal ang kilay, manipis ang mga labi moreover, he wears glasses at mukhang espanyol.

This is my brother Gino. At Electrical Engineering siya, and he's already in his second year.

I hissed at him and furrowed my brows. "Wala kang nakita ha!"

"Oo, wala nga po akong nakitang taga-College of Education na humaharot sa isang Engineer! Oo ate, wala! Wala akong nakita, Hahahaha!" Napahawak na lang siya sa tiyan niya at humalakhak ng malakas. Pisting yawa!

"Ano, kamo?" Napamewang na lang ako at agad ko siyang tinaray-tarayan at inirapan pa. Gosh, h'wag nga niya akong simulan! Nagawa pa talagang mambwisit!

"Joke lang! Daling mapikon." Ngisi ni Gino sa'kin at tumawa-tawa pa. Kung binabali ko kaya 'yung salamin mo r'yan!

Ewan ko sa kanya! Walang nangyari! Basta, wala! I know for sure. This isn't something I should be thinking about. Steele is simply my ex. I shouldn't allow him to influence me. Ang hirap pa naman ng mga thesis ko, wala akong panahon sa mga love life na 'yan. Hinding-hindi ako ma-attract sa kanya.

He put his arms around me, and then Gino burst into his sweetest self, jumping up and down with joy and embracing me. "Bati na tayo, ha! Pero ate tanong lang, h'wag ka magagalit ha?"

"Well, let's listen to it," I said.

What if Steele is sincere? What if you are the object of his true love? Do you believe he should be given another chance?"

Sa totoo lang, 'di ko na alam. Kasi nalilito na ako sa kung ano'ng dapat kong maramdaman.Second chances are granted to those who deserve them, and we are both in pain at the moment and consequently, neither do I know the answer. Kung ipipilit lang namin ang relasyon na 'yon mas lalo lang kami magkakasakitan. And that was something Steele knew very well.