I liked make-up.

I loved it even.

Our usual stage make-up wasn't spectacular. It was rather simple and masculine.

I loved more femme looks.

Glitter.

Eyeliner.

The stuff we'd sometimes get for photoshoots.

Hyunjin knew about this and often when we met up we would do each other's make-up the way we liked it.

It was our little ritual.

Today we did so as well.

I had already done Hyunjin's make-up, with him laying down on his bed and me sitting on top of him.

I usually didn't use any concealer on him at all. His natural skin looked way better.

I loved to go heavy on colours.

Today, his face (especially around the eyes) was plastered with blue and purple and glitter, glitter, glitter.

He looked amazing.

Like a walking bisexual flag.

(Yes I'm a simp for this colour combination - as you may know)

(Somewhere along the lines of this)

I encircled his lips with a dark blue, which got lighter and pinker inwards - it looked as if light was coming out of his mouth.

I was really proud of this look.

Hyunjin let me even take a few pictures.

I saved them in a secure folder on my phone's gallery. All weird photos I took of the members came in there. Nothing anyone outside Stray Kids should ever see.

We had changed positions by now. Hyunjin sat on top of me the way I just did with him. He let himself fall forward, hugging me tightly - just how I did earlier - but started immediately to tickle me.

I was the most ticklish person in the world.

'Stop it!', I cry-laughed, 'You will ruin your make-up!'

'Oh yeah' He sat upright. 'We can't have that, can we?'

I didn't say anything, because I was too busy regaining my breath. Hyunjin meanwhile spread out all our skin products and colour palettes on the bed - and me.

'So, darling, what can I do for you today?'

He looked at me with a concentrated frown.

'Pastel colours, right?'

I smiled. He knew me well, by now.

He started to unscrew the foundation. I always told him to use as much of that as possible, covering up all my freckles and giving me a lighter skin tone. He didn't like that, but followed my pleading anyway.

But today, I thought back on my cry session with Seungmin. Time to show some self confidence.

I laid my hand on his, stopping him.

'Can you leave the freckles this time?'

My voice sounded more quiet and unsure than I wanted it to. Yet Hyunjin was suddenly all smiles.

'It would be a pleasure, beauty.' He sounded so proud.

I tried to be proud too.

After he did the basics, he grabbed our biggest colour palette and held it up questioningly.

'Which colour?'

I grinned and pointed at pink.

Hyunjin chuckled. I always chose pink.

While he got to work, I asked: 'How are things going with minsung?'

You see, it was also a tradition to update each other on our latest hookups and crushes while we did the make-up.

Hyunjin's hookup stories were always the best.

Yet lately he was a bit preoccupied with the new thing he got between himself and Minho and Jisung.

At my question, he grinned knowingly. 'Good', he said in a tone that could mean everything.

'Come on, tell me more!'

'Do you want all the dirty details?'

We'd usually go in EVERY detail while telling the stories. But with Minho and Jisung, who were insanely close to me, I really didn't need to hear some things.

'No thank you. I would never be able to look at them again'

'I've told you way worse things about me and my other hookups, really..'

'Yeah, who says I'm able to look at you without thinking about that? It hounds me.'

We laughed.

'No seriously', I said, 'I don't think I've fully understood how it works between the three of you yet.'

''It'? You mean sex?'

'No, dude, I mean your relationship'

Hyunjin sat up and looked thoughtfully at my face, then took an eyeliner and said 'Close your eyes'. I did.

The eyeliner felt cool on my skin.

After a while, Hyunjin started talking.

'It may look complicated from the outside, but it works out perfectly. Minsung is a real couple, with all the in-love-stuff. They may not know it yet, but they are. And I have an in in their relationship. Mostly sex-wise but also like a really good friend. And so.. we just work.'

I thought a moment.

'Don't you wish sometimes to be a solid part of their relationship too?'

'Nope.'

I waited. Hyunjin sighed and explained.

'I don't want to be part of a closed, committed relationship. That just isn't... for me. I need the freedom of being able to hookup with whoever and whenever I want. Without needing to justify myself every time. Well... what I have with minsung fits just perfectly.'

He smiled. I smiled, too.

Then: 'So does this make you happy?'

'Yes, it does', he said earnestly.

He's told me before that he isn't as interested in dating people or falling in love. Minsung really did fit. I was happy as long as Hyunjin was, too.

'By the way, thanks for the hickeys the other day.'

'Oh no. I knew that was a mistake. What in hell did you need them for?'

Hyunjin had come into my room a few months ago and bluntly asked me to give him a few hickeys on his neck. I did, of course. Because I'm a good friend. We have that kind of friendship where you can suck the other's neck without things getting weird between the two of you. (10/10 would do it again, even though he probably used them for some mischievous plan).

Hyunjin grinned down at me.

'Well, thanks to your hickeys I achieved two things: first, I started a conversation with Minho and could tell him I like boys, too; second, I tested if he checked me out, and yes he did - you'd have to look really closely to notice them. So I knew that he was indeed to some extent interested.'

Hyunjin looked like a child which just presented you proudly its plan for world domination. Absolutely adorable.
I had to laugh.

'The second part was so obvious though. Literally every non-straight member checks you out - and even the straight ones do sometimes. And for the first - you could have... just told him? Like Hey Minho, by the way, I'm into boys too, also, please hook up with me?'

'But my plan...!'

'Too much effort...'

'Maybe I just wanted you to suck my neck?'

I rolled my eyes giggling. 'God, you're so needy'

After a while of us chuckling and teasing each other, I sobered and said: 'I kinda want to know how your conversation with Minho went, though'

'Nothing spectacular - he noticed the hickeys, then we talked about one night stands and he complained that it was harder for him because he's gay. And at that, I told him I got the hickeys last night from a boy. Which wasn't a lie. He just doesn't know the boy was you and not a random hookup.'

Hyunjin smiled slyly.

I couldn't smile back. I felt suddenly uneasy. boy, boy, boy, the boy was you, echoed in my brain. It was as if some part of me was surprised. Surprised or shocked... about?

Why would Hyunjin assume you're a boy? What makes him think that? Where did that come from?

I felt nauseous. These thoughts didn't make any sense.

Anger swelled up. I was angry at myself for not making sense, for feeling weird, and I was angry at Hyunjin for saying that.

the boy boy boy was you

I violently shook my head, clearing all those emotions away, locking them up deep inside me where they could hurt no one.

'Felix?' I could tell from Hyunjin's tone that it wasn't the first time he called my name. 'Are you ok?' His smile was gone, replaced by a concerned frown.

'Yeah, yeah, I'm alright.', I hurried to say. 'I just felt a little dizzy, that's all'

The concerned expression didn't change.

'Have you eaten?'

'I'm on a diet, you know that'

'Bullshit, I'll go get you something'

'Hyunjin, no, I don't -'

He didn't listen.

As I was alone, I stood up to observe my new make-up in the mirror.

For a moment I didn't recognize the face staring back at me.

It looked so beautiful.

My cheeks were covered in a heavy blush, though the freckles were still visible. It wasn't pink, but a more natural colour, perfectly fitting my skin tone.

Elegant white lines were drawn around my eyes - creating a strong contrast with the dazzling pink that lay beneath them.

Hyunjin was such an artist.

It aligned perfectly with the shapes of my face, making my eyes pop.

My lips had also a slight pinkish blush.

I couldn't get enough of my own face - a feeling I don't experience that often.

Though the thing that got me tearing up were two little hearts on my cheeks. Hyunjin had drawn them with eyeliner, one under each eye.

It was somewhat cheesy. But it suited me.

It was also a rather feminine style.

I felt pretty.

Hyunjin came back, carrying a steaming pot of instant noodles.

He saw me infront of the mirror, tears welling in my eyes.

'Hey' he smiled warmly, putting down the food and coming over to me.

'I look so pretty' I said with a wet laugh.

'You do' He hugged me tightly. 'Don't you dare to start crying - you will ruin everything'

'I do my best' I sniffled.

Hyunjin was quick to take a few pictures before tears started rolling.

He hugged me again.

'You're so talented' I whispered. 'The hearts on my cheeks - it's wonderful'

'Stop, stop, stop, you'll just start to cry harder' Hyunjin chuckled quietly and began to wipe the tears away with a tissue paper - careful to not smudge his art.

'I've always wanted to draw little white hearts on your cheek - you're made for that... Now let's eat'

I glanced one last time at myself.

It was so pretty.

I wish I wasn't born male, so I could do this more naturally.

I could take a picture and post it.

Share this moment, this beauty with everyone.

But I was, and I couldn't.

.

.

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