Okay. I was going to do this.

I was going to come out to them.

Oh gosh.

I debated wether to first tell Chan or Seungmin, then the others. This way, I'd have someone already knowing and on my side, helping me to get through this.

I opted against it, though.

For one, I couldn't decide between Chan and Seungmin. Minho would be alright, too, when I thought about it.

Also, I didn't want to favour one of them. I mean, I had unique relationships with everyone, but I was similarly close to all of them. It would feel weird to first tell just one person.

They deserved to know at the same time.

I also thought about making seven one-on-one conversations, being more personal, but quickly discarded the idea again. It would be hard enough to have this one single conversation, I didn't have to do it seven times.

So, I forced myself to talk.

I asked for a group meeting in the evening, with unsure voice and pounding heart.

We jokingly called these family meetings.

Or, more like once jokingly, because by now it really felt like family.

'Family meeting at eight thirty pm, Felix has something important to announce. No cameras, no smartphones, you know the drill. Who's not present at eight thirty sharp will do the dishes the next two months. See you there.'

•°

They were all gathered in our living room, squeezing on the couch (which was huge, but not huge enough for seven people), or sitting on the floor, happily chatting with each other.

I took them in. Chan was joking around with Jeongin, breaking out in laughter every few seconds. Seungmin was sitting on the ground in front of Changbin, leaning against his legs. They were watching Chan and Jeongin, throwing in comments here and there. Changbin's hand was playing with the younger's hair, unconsciously. Cute.
Minho, Jisung and Hyunjin were making out. They were out to the others by now and enjoyed it to the fullest.

I was the last one to enter.

I sat down on a chair in front them, usual procedure in our family meetings.

They became silent, hyunminsung separating after a few slaps from Chan.

Everyone looked at me. Not in a threatening way. They looked soft, and caring, with welcoming smiles on their lips. Chan threw an encouraging nod at me.

I took a deep breath, fidgeting around on my chair. Mentally preparing myself.

'Okay, so... I got something to tell you...'

I grew quiet, not knowing how to continue.

I had went through every word so often in my head, but now it was empty.

'...Yeah we figured as much', Minho said chuckling.

I gave a nervous laugh.

Chan quieted him. 'Let him talk'

I winced internally. Him.

I didn't think they were expecting how huge this was gonna be.

They were so oblivious, smiling to me.

I shook my head. 'Guys, this is gonna be really really big and will change a lot-' I interrupted myself. 'No, hopefully it won't change anything between us, but for Stray Kids it will. I mean, I guess it will...'

Another deep breath.

There was silence in the room until-

'OH MY GOD! ARE YOU PREGNANT?!'

'Jisung, shut the fuck up!'

Chan covered the younger's mouth while we all started laughing.

I loved Jisung for easing the mood. He noticed how nervous and tense I was and tried to help me. In his own way.

As everyone fell silent again, I took all my courage in both hands and started talking.

'So... I've been thinking about... myself lately and well, my... appearance, I guess-'

Before I could continue, Changbin interrupted me. 'Felix, you're the most beautiful boy I know!'

The others cheered in agreement, while I couldn't fully hide my wince at the word boy.

'But what if I'm not?'

The words were out before I could hold them back.

Everyone fell silent and looked at me. Surprised.

'Yes you are', Hyunjin argued vehemently, defending my honour.

I took a deep breath. Now or never.

The words lay on my tongue for seconds, burning into my flesh.

I pressed my eyes closed.

'No I mean... I'm not... not a boy.'

Silence.

I opened my eyes.

Everyone looked at me, processing what I just said.

'What do you mean, not a boy?' asked Jeongin carefully after a few seconds.

'I don't identify as male.' I paused, then: 'Neither female.'

Pause.

'I think I'm actually a bit of both or something in between, but I'm not sure yet. It... It's called nonbinary. That's a gender identity for people who don't fit into the binary of men and women.'

For a moment it was silent, the only thing I could hear was my heart beating fast against my chest. Every second that they weren't saying anything I felt closer to crying.

Thousand possible outcomes flashed before my eyes.

What if someone started laughing?

Making fun of me?

Denying me?

What if they shook their heads, and just left the room?

What if ...

Finally, Minho's voice sounded: 'So, that's what you are? Nonbinary?'

I nodded. Gulped. 'That's... what I identify as, yes. It.. makes me happy, it lets me feel like myself.'

'And being a boy doesn't?' Hyunjin.

'No, I... it just feels wrong and turns my insides into a boiling pit of maggots. That's not me.'

I hesitated a moment.

Then: 'Remember how I would randomly break down crying the last few months? Again and again? Not being able to tell you what was wrong? When I had a panic attack right after a concert? That was because I was so extremely uncomfortable. And I couldn't tell anyone back then. It was just.. awful.'

The first tear rolled down over my cheek, reaching my lips. It tasted salty.

'Oh gosh...' I noticed that Jisung's eyes were a bit teary themselves.

Suddenly Seungmin moved. He stood up.

I thought he was gonna leave the room, wordlessly.

I thought he hated me now.

I feared the others following him one by one, leaving me behind.

But instead, he came over to me, gently pulled me up and... hugged me.

After a shock second, I melted into his embrace. I was full on crying now.

'I'm proud of you' he whispered in my ear.

His voice sounded a bit cloggy too.

Before I knew what was happening, he pulled me over to the couch.

Turns out, eight people did fit on it.

Minho took both Jisung and Hyunjin in his lap, I sat in the middle on Chan's lap and Seungmin made himself comfortable on Jeongin's and Changbin's laps.

Chan hugged me too.

Minho leaned over and kissed me on the top of my head.

Hyunjin took my hand in his, pressing a kiss on it. Jisung did, too.

Changbin placed a warm hand on my back.

Jeongin could lay his arm around my shoulder, halfway hugging me as well, while Seungmin took my other hand.

'Please know that you can always tell us stuff like this.' Chan said quietly.

The other members hummed in agreement, nodding along.

'You're one of us. Nothing will change that, ever.'

I started sobbing hard, burying my head in Chan's shoulder.

'But..'

'No buts', Chan said firmly, not letting me finish.

'We're your family. You aren't getting rid of us that easily.'

Since Jisung's voice sounded a little weird, I looked up to find him crying as well.

I took my hand (still gripping Hyunjin's) to wipe away a few of his tears.

Then I noticed that Hyunjin, Chan and Changbin had tears on their cheeks too.

The remaining members had somewhat watery eyes as well.

'Why're you all crying?', I sobbed out.

'Felix, because we love you, goddamn it!'

Changbin pulled me into a sideways hug, which I returned as good as possible in our position.

'I love you, too', I whispered.

Chan used me not clinging to him for a moment to rummage around in his pockets and hand tissue papers to everyone.

While we were all wiping our tears and sniveling, I couldn't hold myself from saying: 'I'm sorry. This makes everything much more complicated.'

'Oh, shut up.' Chan took my face in both hands and turned it to him, 'Listen, you got nothing to be sorry for. Nothing, okay? We want you to be happy. No one cares if it's complicated or not - we're here for you and support you no matter what comes. Got that?'

I nodded sniffling.

'We noticed that something was up.' Minho spoke a little huskily. You could tell that he was fighting tears. 'Of course we did. Something was wrong, something big. We were so worried about you. We were afraid to loose you, Felix.'

He looked away, but I could've sworn that I saw a single tear rolling down his cheek.

'I... I won't leave. Ever. Unless you wanted me to.'

'And we will never want you to.'

They all looked dead serious.

Another sob escaped me.

'I want to hug all of you' I sniffled.

We all had to chuckle as we tried to group hug on the (definitely too small) couch.

I never felt more safe and loved than I did in that exact moment, amidst all of them - my family.

.

.

.