chapter thirteen

TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE the first bell rang, I found myself at my locker getting my books for History class. I don't know why, but I was in a good mood for whatever reason. I don't want anything to bring me down today; that's my goal.

"Hey, Ashley," someone spoke from behind me. I turned around and smiled at Mackenzie who wore the same happy expression as me. "Did you have a good time at Olivia's party?"

"Yeah." I smiled and shut my locker so I was able to fully turn to her. "What about you?"

     "It was fun." She smiled sweetly. "What are your plans for lunch?"

     My eyebrows raised and I looked at her with a shocked expression. I didn't know how to hide it; no one ever asks me what my plans are for lunch.

     "Um, I'm not really sure yet, why?" I furrowed my eyebrows together.

     "Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to go get some pizza with me and a couple of friends." She offered. My body fluttered and I couldn't hide my smile.

     "That sounds fun," I smiled, "Sure."

     "Okay, cool. Let's go then." She smiled and started walking down the hallway. I held my History books close to my chest and walked beside her, my heart pounding along my ribcage due to nervousness. What if I say something stupid around her friends? What if they judge me? What if they talk about me behind my back?

     We walked outside the school doors and started to walk down each step of the concrete stairs. She waved over to a group of people at the bottom of the steps, I'm assuming were all her friends, and they waved back. My heart beat faster, if that was even possible, when I looked at all of them. They just looked so neat and clean and perfect in every way you can imagine. They were like exact copies of one another.

     I stopped at the last step when I locked eyes with Julia Rink. My face drained of all its color and my mind completely went blank. Suddenly, I didn't know how to move or think of a proper sentence.

     "Ashley, you okay?" Mackenzie stepped closer to me and furrowed her eyebrows together. I quickly shook my blank mind away and smiled at her.

     "Yeah," I lied, "sorry, I was just thinking." I tried to laugh it off with the rest of the group.

     "Okay, well, everybody, this is Ashley. She's in my language arts class."

     "Hey, Ashley." A few people greeted me and I smiled back. I'm one hundred percent positive that Julia wasn't one of the people to welcome me.

     "Alright, so, pizza?" Mackenzie smiled. Everyone agreed and nodded their heads as we all began to migrate on to the sidewalk and over to the pizza place. It was only a few blocks away, I know, so we'd have no problem making it back to school on time for class.

     Somehow in the twenty seconds that we started walking, I seemed to get pushed to the back. I didn't even know these people, yet alone their names, and now I was trailing behind them like a lost puppy. I just had to keep reminding myself that this day was going to be great - I can't let anything, or anyone, take that away from me.

     "You're the girl dating Mason, right?" Some blonde kid asked me. He was also in the back of the group with me. I smiled faintly and nodded my head in response; I didn't feel like speaking because I knew Julia could hear me. "That's cool." He added. "Mason's a pretty chill dude."

     "Mhm." I hummed and nodded my head again. I'm always known as 'Mason's girlfriend' no matter who I'm with or where I am.

     In an attempt to be less awkward, I slipped my phone out of my pocket and began to text May. She was the only person I knew who could make me feel better.

     Ashley James: hola

     May Parker: holaaaaa! I don't know Spanish but hi!

     Ashley James: haha. Neither do I. What class are you in?

     May Parker: I'm actually having lunch right now.

     Ashley James: oh I see. Are you buying pink lemonade from your brother again?

     May Parker: (honestly I never even pay him back) but no. I'm finishing homework in the library.

     Ashley James: cool. I'm getting pizza.

     May Parker: save me a slice! Also, Fernando wants to say hi.

     Ashley James: okay

     May Parker: hi -fern/grant

     Ashley James: hi fern/grant lol

     May Parker: It's may again. Fernando had to go do.... something.....

     Ashley James: well that sounds like something I don't want to know about.

     May Parker: same here.

     "Hey, Ashley," Mackenzie forced me to tear my eyes away from my phone, "what kind of pizza do you want?"

     "Um," I caught Julia in the corner of my eye, "I'll just have a slice of plain cheese." I handed her a five dollar bill and proceeded to go sit down at a table near the window. Hopefully her friends will come and sit by me, otherwise I'd look like some loner freak (which I technically am).

     When Julia and I were best friends, we always ordered pizza with the craziest toppings imaginable. To order a plain cheese pizza was like food suicide - we had to entertain our tastebuds in every way possible.

     I sighed as I looked back down at my phone and saw that May had sent an image. I opened it up and saw a picture of her with Fernando in the background. I couldn't even tell what he was doing, but it looked like he was wearing some crazy sort of crop top. I giggled.

     "Can I sit here?" I heard a soft voice say to my left. I looked up from my phone and saw Julia Rink, the one and only, asking if she can sit across from me.

     I slowly nodded my head and locked my phone as she slid into the booth. Julia was right across from me, less than five feet away, and it was just the two of us.

     "Hi." She awkwardly said after she settled in. My heart was pounding as if I was running a marathon and my throat began to become dry.

     "Hi." My voice cracked. I coughed a little bit to warm it up so I didn't sound like an idiot.

     We looked at each other for a few seconds before I broke the gaze. I pretended that there was something on my phone a lot more interesting than the pretty girl in front of me (even though there was nothing new).

"So, um," Julia cleared her throat, "I've been meaning to talk to you for a while now."

I gulped and slowly looked up at my phone. It was hard to connect eyes with her without feeling weird, so I tried not to do it. My face must've looked pale.

"I don't want to do it here, though." She continued, "we need to talk - one on one."

My heart sped up so fast that I thought it was going to go into overdrive and I would've collapsed right there. Sadly, I didn't, so I had to actually face my worst nightmare.

"Um," I tried to sound strong, "okay."

Even now, almost seven months after the party incident, I still can't say no to her. I wonder if I'll ever be able to say no.

"This weekend?" She raised her eyebrows and made sure to keep her distance from me. "We can meet at the pink house."

"No," I said quickly, surprising myself and her, "not at the pink house." My face turned hot and I knew I looked like an idiot, but I don't even want to go near that little pink house of hers. We spent so much time there in the past that it'd be hard to revisit it when we're on these present terms. "How about at the park? In the middle of town."

She looked surprised that I had thought of somewhere else to go. I couldn't really blame her, though. When we were best friends she was always the one to make decisions for the both of us. I never argued.

"Okay." She nodded her head slowly and attempted to smiled just so slightly, "sure - okay. Sunday? Noon?"

I pressed my lips together tightly and nodded my head as I looked down at my phone. My heart was beating so fast and my left leg couldn't seem to remember how to stop shaking.

Ashley James: 911!!!!!!!

"Ashley, here's your pizza and your change!" Mackenzie skipped over to me and handed me my things. I politely thanked her before standing up.

"I'm going to head back to school, okay?" I said to Mackenzie. All her friends began to settle down at the table Julia and I were just sitting at.

"Aw, okay." She pouted. "Let me know if you need anything."

I nodded my head and waved goodbye to everybody as I walked out of the pizza place. When the fresh air hit me, it was like I could finally breath. I must've been holding my breath the whole time I was inside, and that wasn't a good sign of a beautiful day. I need to relax, I need to breath, I need to calm down.

May Parker: where u at?? u need my help?? FERNANDO AND MAY TO THE RESCUE!!!!

I chuckled softly and just told her I was around the corner from the pizza place. No way was I going back to school after my encounter with Julia - I need time to breath.

I have to tell May what I know.

*****

"So, what do you mean she wants to talk to you?" May furrowed her eyebrows and took a bite out of my slice of pizza.

Fernando, May, and I were all sitting on some random curb a few blocks away from my school. They both took the time out of their day to come listen to me confess about Julia and what I'm going through right now.

What honestly terrifies me is that May Parker now knows a lot about my life. I mean, so does Fernando, but May is the person I'm mainly worried about. What's she going to say? Is she going to judge me?

"I mean," I took a deep breath, "Julia wants to talk to me about something. It could be about the party, Mason, anything-"

"Who's Mason?" May and Fernando asked at the same time. I gulped and took a deep breath.

It took a lot in me to tell them about the party (I still left out a few minor details, including the kiss - even though Fernando was involved), and now I have to tell them about my boyfriend. Great.

"Mason, is - uh... he's my boyfriend." I gulped and looked over at May. Her whole face scrunched up and she took one glance at Fernando before looking back at me. I braced myself for what's next.

"What the hell?" Fernando laughed. I could feel my face warming up. "This story is getting more and more confusing by the second."

"You have a boyfriend?" May asked. I nodded my head and attempted to smile. I don't want either of them to judge me, especially May. "Oh." She looked at the concrete road before returning her gaze to mine. "Well, I think you have a little bit more explaining to do."

Fernando and May stared at me with confused expressions on their face. I knew I had to explain, I just knew.

"Fernando," I began. He perked up in his position, "remember the last time I saw you? At Olivia's party?" May stiffened as Fernando nodded his head. "I was running away from the monster, remember?"

"Are you talking about me?" May smiled. I grinned back and shook my head.

"No." I teased. "I'm talking about some crazy thing that's been following me around for years."

Fernando and May fell into silence. Their smiles dropped from their faces and they were no longer giggling. Sometimes I feel like they know me better than I know myself, but I've only know them for about a month.

My throat closed in and I didn't know how to let these words roll off my tongue. I've never said them before in my life and it's hard to train your mouth to do it.

I stood up and turned my back to them as I walked down the road a little bit. I need to think, I need to practice. What am I trying to say? Who or what is this monster following me around all the time? Why am I so different?

Suddenly, like a light switch, the first words to appear in my mind were enough to make me squat and rest my head in my lap as I resisted the urge to cry.

I'm gay.

******

Um. Oh, my god.

Can I just say OH MY GOD? ASHLEY JAMES YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ON PLANET EARTH AND I LOVE YOU!

Okay that just got a little weird. Yes, no? Are y'all okay with my craziness?

Dedication to @dislogic because she helped me escape writers block and inspired this chapter to come together like it had! Thanks for the help, love.

How are you guys liking this Thursday update? Pretty snazzy, am I right?

In case you didn't know already, I'm ALSO updating on Sunday! Woot woot! Two days in a week!

I hope you all had a lovely day today. What was your favorite part about today?

<3