chapter sixteen

     IT WAS EXTREMELY AWKWARD to see Julia at school the next day. I still haven't given her a complete answer on whether I can forgive her or not because I'm still not sure. I don't know when I will be.

     May doesn't know what happened yesterday. I tend to tell her everything, for the most part, but I couldn't bring myself to it. I'm both shocked and angry at the same time - how am I supposed to express my feelings when I don't even understand them?

     As I sat in the library, I realized that there are five people in this entire world that know I'm gay. My mom, May Parker, Fernando, Julia, and myself. I never explicitly told Julia I was gay, but I knew that she knew. She knew before I did.

     "Hey, babe." Mason's voice broke away my thoughts as I looked at him. He was smiling and dropped a Taco Bell bag on the table. "I was looking everywhere for you." He pulled out the chair in front of me and sat down. "I bought you lunch."

     "T-thanks." I stuttered before clearing my throat as I took out a cheesy burrito. I didn't know what else to say. I can't tell him, not yet.

     "How was your weekend?" He poured some hot sauce on his taco before taking a huge bite.

     "Good." I shrugged and took a small bite. "I - uh..." I gulped, "I was actually with Julia on Sunday."

     Mason's eyebrows shot straight up as he froze mid-chew. I pressed my lips together as I felt my throat dry out. He simply shook his head and continued to chew.

     "Are you guys cool now?" He asked. I shrugged and looked into my lap.

     "She wants to be friends again, but I'm not sure." I answered honestly. "We had a lot of problems in the past."

     "Yeah." He pouted and stared at me. I became uncomfortable under his gaze so I quickly looked back at my taco. "Tell me about Julia." He said.

     "What?" I furrowed my eyebrows as I felt my heartbeat near the top of my throat.

     "I mean," he swallowed, "what's good and bad about Julia? I'll help you decide."

     "Um," my eyebrows remained glued together, "well, we were best friends from... sixth to early tenth grade."

     "Holy crap." Mason commented. He shook his head and took a bite of his lunch as a way to tell me to continue.

     "Yeah..." I sighed. "But, uh, I guess that's all I can say about that." I shrugged. "There's a lot of good things about your best friend when you have one."

     His eyes were filled with sympathy as he looked at me. I didn't want that look but he constantly gave it to me. I want to be looked at like a normal human, not a sad puppy that begs for happiness.

     "Okay, and the cons?"

     I just simply shrugged. How am I supposed to explain this to him without mentioning my sexual orientation? Why did I bring this up in the first place?

     "Um," I cleared my throat and tried to improvise, "I, uh... I-" pause, "I don't know if I'll be able to trust her again." I answered honestly. Trust is really a huge part of the argument. How am I able to hand her my heart without being afraid that she'll destroy it even harder than the last time?

"Yeah..." He sighed and dove back into his taco.

     "But, I don't know." I shrugged and started eating again. We settled into a comfortable silence, which I was thankful for, so I was able to finally jumble all my thoughts together.

     "How's your new friend?" He broke the silence. I practically choked on my taco. I took a few seconds to fully swallow before I furrowed my eyebrows at the boy in front of me.

     "What new friend?" I questioned.

     "You know," Mason said, "the one that you're always hanging out with."

     "Oh!" I felt my face drain off all its color. "Uh - yeah. May. She's good." I gulped and noticed that my entire right leg was shaking. I don't remember how it happened or started, but it wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

     "That's good." He said without any emotion. My heart began to beat fast against my ribcage.

"Yeah." I swallowed.

"You've been hanging out with her a lot-"

"Ashley!" I heard someone call from my left. Both Mason and I looked over to see Kyle between the book shelves. I smiled faintly as I watched him walk over to the table. "Hey." He smiled at me. I felt Mason shift around in his seat.

"Hi, Kyle." I responded. I felt a little relived that it wasn't just Mason and I anymore and I'm not really sure why. Why am I uncomfortable around him all of a sudden?

"So, I heard what Fernando told me." He started. I felt my face heat up as I tried to process what he was talking about.

"Wait-" I gulped and glanced over at Mason before looking back at Kyle, "what are you talking about?"

"You know," he chuckled, "the other day? When you were with May and Fernando?"

"Uh-" My voice and entire body were shaking, "Kyle, can I talk to you?"

I stood up and gathered my stuff. Mason was looking at me like I was crazy. I wanted to explain, I really did, but I didn't know what to say. I was mostly just upset with Fernando. Why would he tell Kyle? Why would he tell anyone, really?

"What's he talking about, Ash?" Mason questioned. I gulped and simply just shook my head as I walked past him. Before I could leave, however, Mason grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. "Ash," he stood up and blocked my path, "what's he talking about? Who's Fernando?"

I took a deep, shaky breath. Oh, Mason. Could he leave me alone for a minute?

"I'll tell you later." I managed to choke out. "Please, just let me handle this." I begged. His grip on my wrist was hurting just a little.

"Whatever." He sighed and gathered all his stuff very quickly. Once he had everything, he looked right into my eyes and stiffened. "I don't know what we're becoming anymore." He whispered before he practically sprinted out of the library. I found myself staring at the space in front of me that he was just occupying a few moments ago.

"Well, shit." Kyle chuckled beside me. I clenched my jaw and tried to calm myself down.

"Just sit down." I muttered and returned to my seat at the desk I was just at with Mason.

"Sure." Kyle tried to keep the spirit high but it was actually just getting on my nerves.

Mason doesn't know what we're becoming? I mean, yeah, I'm sending all kinds of crazy signals, but I didn't expect him to be the first to speak up about it. I thought I would be the one to finally break up the confusion by my confession of sexuality. You know, whenever that would be.

"Kyle," I sighed and shook my head, "why?"

"Why what?" He furrowed his eyebrows and scooted his chair into the table. His hair was a mess today, as usual, but his cheery attitude was slowly getting on my nerves.

"Just tell me what Fernando told you." I sighed and sunk into my chair.

I know I don't love Mason, I've been lying to myself this whole time, but right now I just feel hurt. Why do I feel hurt? Shouldn't I be happy? Relived, even?

"That you're gay." He said a little too loudly for my liking. I quickly shushed him and looked around to see if anyone was in here. "You don't have to be ashamed." He furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me as if I was stupid.

"Yeah." I raised my eyebrows and fell back into my chair. "I know." But I am ashamed, I thought.

"So it's true?" He asked. I barely nodded my head which earned myself a smile from him. "That's cool."

"It's cool?" I raised one eyebrow and crossed my arms across my chest. "How's it cool?"

"Why would you think it wouldn't be cool?" He asked. I didn't have time to reply before he moved on. "Aren't you happy now? Do you feel like you have freedom now?"

"Freedom?" My voice cracked. "I never didn't have freedom." I slowly faded out when I realized I had just spoken a lie.

"We both know that's not true." He pursed his lips. "You still don't have freedom."

"What do you mean?" I shot. Since when does he know me better than myself?

"That boyfriend of yours." He snarled. My heart began to beat faster as it sunk at the same time. "With him still around, you're trapped. And you'll be trapped for a while until he finally leaves you alone."

I kept quiet and stared at the ground. Something seemed to block my throat so I wasn't able to form any proper words.

"I also heard about that Julia girl." My head snapped up from the floor. Jeez, what else did Fernando tell him? "You're trapped with her, too."

"Not anymore." I shook my head and gulped. "We talked."

"Oh, really?" His eyebrows shot straight up. "What happened? You two talked? Holy shit."

"Yeah," I gulped, "it's not that big of a deal, though. We're just trying to work it out."

"Ah, I see." Kyle clicked his tongue and nodded his head.

"Anything else that Fernando told you?" I chuckled. He did as well and simply shook his head.

"Nah, but I'm glad I talked to you about it." He answered. I didn't know how to feel about that. "Hey," he cleared his throat, "you know Lulu?" I nodded my head. "We're throwing her a surprise party for getting a C on her big project."

"A party for a C?" I chuckled. "That seems a little outrageous."

"Yeah, it is, but if you've ever seen her grades you would understand."

     We laughed.

"Thanks, but I'm not really sure if I should go to any more parties for the rest of my life." I smiled.

"Oh, yeah!" He laughed, "You kissed Fernando at Olivia's."

My face turned into a tomato.

"Shut up!" I shushed him immediately.

"Okay, sorry." He finished off his last few laughs. "Okay, now that's all that Fernando has told me."

"Oh, God." I shook my head and smiled.

"But, um," he cleared his throat, "this isn't one of those parties. We're just gonna go to Lulu's favorite stake-out place."

"Her favorite stake-out?" I laughed. "What the heck."

"It'll be fun, I promise." He smiled. I took a deep breath and nodded my head. "Yeah?" His smile grew bigger as I nodded again. "Yay, okay! We're gonna have so much fun!"

The bell rang, signaling the beginning of fifth period, so the both of us stood up. We laughed and walked out the doors together as he mentioned Olivia's party a few times.

"But, really," he talked a little quieter than usual, "I can't believe you kissed Fernando." He held open the library door for me.

"Oh, shut up." I smacked him on the chest and tried to control my heart rate. I really hope no one heard that.

"You kissed who?"

My entire face drained of color as I looked at my boyfriend to the left of me. My legs suddenly felt weak and it was becoming hard to breath properly.

He connected eyes with me for a few long seconds before he started down the hall.

"Oh, God." Kyle gasped. "I'm so sorry, Ashley, I-"

I didn't listen to the rest of Kyle's sentence because I began to chase after Mason.

It can't be time yet, it just can't.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Hello from the other siiiiiiiide. I must've called a thousand tiiiiiiiimees!!!!

You guys. Freaking Kyle. Why, Kyle, why? I can't... I just... can't.

I'm very sorry for not updating on Thursday or Friday like I said! I had all this homework and hours of dance after school--it was hard to find time to sit down and write. I'm also sorry that this chapter is a little short :-(

I will try my best to update this Thursday. However, I will not promise anything. Just know that I will always update on Sunday's for sure!

What do you guys think is going to happen? What will Mason say? Will Ashley finally confess? Are they going to break up? What's going on!!!

I love you guys. Thanks for always keeping up with this book.