chapter fifteen
(not edited)

     I FEEL LIKE I ALWAYS make the craziest decisions when I think about May. First off, I decide to go get ice cream with her after she spilled milk all over me. Secondly, I go to a party of hers with a bunch of people I don't know just because I was desperate for friends. Thirdly, I tell her things about me that Mason or Julia have never known. Why am I so open to May Luna Parker?

     "Hi, May." I smiled and held the phone loosely on my face. I was currently lying in bed at eleven at night while I was talking to my lovely friend.

     "Why, hello there, Ashley James." She chuckled ever so slightly. "You know it's really late?"

     "Eh, I know, I figured you were up." I closed my eyes as the smile stayed glued to my face. I wanted to tell her all about my mother's response; she was the best person at letting me know she loved me. I mean, obviously - she's my mom - but after what happened with May... I just didn't want that to happen to me as well.

     "Well, you were right." I could picture May smiling on the other end of the phone. "Anything you need help with? Math, science, school, clothing, food...?"

     "No." I chuckled lightly and rolled over to the left side of my body. "I just wanted to talk."

     "Oh." She said suddenly. I wish I could see her face right now. "Okay, yeah, I'd love to just talk." I smiled and closed my eyes once again. I could practically fall asleep right now.

     "I told my mom." I said after a few moments of silence. "She promised not to tell my dad so I could do it myself."

     "Oh, good!" May exclaimed a little too loud for my liking. "She approves? Accepts? Loves? Cherishes?"

     "Yes." I chuckled and pulled my knees into my chest like a baby. "I'm so relived."

     "That's great, Ashley." I could picture May smiling right about now. "I'm so happy for you." She paused for a second before talking again, "What do you think is gonna happen next?"

     My eyes stared at a small stain on my carpet as I thought about her question. What's going to happen next?

     "I don't know." I answered honestly. It must've been a minute of silence between us. "I don't know how to tell Mason, though."

     "Yeah..." She slowly responded. "I - just... Don't avoid the topic. This needs to happen whether you want it to or not."

     "I know, I won't." I bit my tongue.

     "Ashley," she chuckled under her breath, "I know you. You're going to want to avoid it as much as you can around him."

     I kept quiet and adjusted my head on my pillow. She's probably right; I am going to try everything to not tell Mason that I'm gay. The term is still unfamiliar to me.

"I guess you're right." I slightly shrugged and closed my eyes. I was getting really sleepy. I took a deep breath before I sank into my wonderful mattress.

"When am I not?" She joked. I laughed a little and shook my head.

"Okay," I dragged on, "I'm gonna go to bed."

"Yeah, I probably should, too." She clicked her tongue. "Goodnight, Ashley James. I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow." She said. I smiled and nodded my head. "I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah." I smiled. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." She said one more time before she hung up. I reached over to grab my phone charger so I could plug my phone in for the night. Before I could set it down, however, I saw a message from Julia on Facebook.

My heart pounded as I opened up the Facebook app as quick as I could.

Julia Rink: Hi. Remember that we're meeting in the park at noon. I'll see you then.

     My face must've looked like I had just seen a dead body for the first time. I had almost completely forgotten about our plans to get together. Julia Rink, my ex-best friend, wants to talk to me.

I didn't know how to respond, so I just sent a simple "yeah, see you then."

     Oh, my God.

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     On my way over to the park the next morning, there was no doubt that I was shaking like mad. I was absolutely terrified. What is Julia going to say? Is she going to tell me more mean things? Is she going to know that I've found out I really am gay? What will she say? Will I tell her?

I hoisted my jacket higher up on my shoulders as I felt it slide down. My heart was beating fast and my palms started to sweat. I haven't been alone with Julia in a really long time. Who knows what she's going to say.

As soon as I spotted her on a bench, I wanted to throw up. She was looking down at her phone and didn't notice me yet, so I had time to stop. I stared at her for a good ten seconds while my mind jumped from this to that several times.

I took a deep breath and took the first step forward. From there, it felt like I was programmed to walk towards her. There was no other way I could go in this situation.

When I got close enough, she must've heard a twig snap underneath my foot, so she looked up. I almost collapsed right then.

"Hi, Ashley." She smiled politely and scooted over on the bench to make room for me. I cleared my throat once again and hesitantly sat down to the right of her. I was sweating and I was nervous - I had no idea how to act around her anymore.

"Hi." I finally spoke and forced my head to look at her. This was extremely hard for me.

"Hi." She said once more as her lips turned upwards into a smile.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to run away, I wanted to call May, I wanted to know this was a dream, but that was all unrealistic. I have to face this no matter what. It'll provide me some closure, at least.

"What'd-" I cleared my throat, "what'd you want to talk about?" I took a deep breath and awkwardly placed my hands in my lap. I wanted to look as comfortable as I could but I knew it wasn't working out.

She stared at me for a few seconds before I quickly looked away and focused on the ground. It was much more interesting than my ex-best friend beside me - at least, I told myself that.

"I have a lot to talk about." She sighed and tilted her head slightly to the left. I gulped. I must've looked like I had seen a ghost - I'm just so scared right now. "But, don't worry." She continued, "it's nothing bad."

"Okay." I gulped hesitantly and crossed my right leg over my left. I turned my body just a little bit so I was facing her.

We sat in an awkward silence for a good minute before she took an audible breath and slouched into her position. She didn't look nervous at all.

"I'm sorry." She looked into my eyes. My heart broke as I heard her say those words. "Really, I am."

I looked into my lap and pretended to pick a stray hair off my jeans. I couldn't look her in the eyes without breaking down into tears.

"I, um... I was really stupid. You know, back at that party." I gulped as I listened to her speak. "I should've been there for you."

I pressed my lips into a thin line and clenched my jaw. I was trying to keep myself from crying.

"I didn't know you felt that way and I- I just... I completely ignored your feelings." Her voice quivered. I couldn't believe her voice broke; she's always so confident in everything she says. I mean, that was the Julia I used to know. "I was a complete bitch and I'm incredibly sorry."

I wanted to ask her why she was telling me all of this now. Did it take her a while to realize this? Or is she just trying to be nice somehow? Does she feel sorry for me? Does she notice me now more than ever because I'm a little happier?

She cleared her throat, "I didn't know we would completely drift apart." She announced. "I- just... I wasn't thinking straight when it happened."

I continued to stare down at my lap as I pretended to take interest in my fingernails.

"We were best friends, Ashley." She whispered. "And, lately, I've been realizing how much I miss you."

I gulped and continued to look at my fingernails. My sight was becoming blurry due to the tears building up. I can't cry; not now.

"I guess I just wanted to work things out between us. That's why I wanted to talk to you." She confessed. "I want you back in my life."

I sniffed my nose as a single tear rolled down my right cheek. Thankfully, she couldn't see it from where she was sitting.

"Do you know how many times my mom has asked about you?" She elaborated. I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there forever. "Almost everyday." Another tear rolled down my cheek. "She misses you too, you know. You've always been her favorite friend of mine."

It's not about that, I caught myself thinking. It's not about being the favorite friend.

"We were inseparable." She sniffed a little bit. For a second I wondered if she was crying, too, but I didn't dare to look her in the eyes. "And I miss you so much."

I took a deep, shaky breath as I wiped away a few tears that managed to escape my eyes. I can't believe Julia Rink, my ex-best friend and ex-crush, misses me. I don't understand how that's a fact.

"Do you have anything to say?" Her voice quivered again. I gulped and sniffed my nose a couple more times. "Did you miss me?"

I shot my head up from its position and looked at the beautiful girl in front of me. Her eyes were cloudy as well.

"Yes." I snapped. More tears rolled down my cheeks but I didn't bother to catch them. "Of course I did." My voice cracked. I can't believe I'm actually telling her this.

I watched a couple tears fall out of her eyes as well. Either she's an amazing actress or she really does miss me - which I doubt.

"Julia," I started and turned my body towards her even more, "I don't know if this is some sort of joke, but this is serious for me." I spoke faster than I though I would. "Did you know that I cried on the floor for an hour after you insulted me and got your boyfriend to slap me?" I snapped. The tears kept coming. "Did you know that I became depressed and unsatisfied with myself for months? I had to watch you in school with the biggest smile on your face as my heart just broke more and more every time."

She opened up her mouth to say something, but it was my turn to talk. I needed to get this out.

"I didn't care that my crush insulted me, I just cared that my best friend said to my face that I was a freak and that she never wanted to talk to me again." My voice got louder and louder as more tears rushed down both of our faces. "Yeah, I thought you were the hottest person in the room." I confessed. My heart was beating a million miles per second. "But that single decision shouldn't have costed me everything it did." I sniffed.

An old woman walked by and stared at us for a few seconds before she continued down the park. I'm sure she wanted no part of this.

"I'm so unhappy, Julia." I cried. "I did everything to make you happy, you know. Everything. I don't even love Mason, for crying out loud." I sniffed. "I wanted you to know that I was normal."

"You are normal-"

"That's not what you said." My voice cracked. "That's no where near what you said to me that night." I took a deep breath and wiped a few tears off my face. "Julia," I started, "do you want to know why I've become happier?"

Tears rushed down her face as she slowly nodded her head.

"I have new friends that accept me." I breathed. "I was so scared when I first met them that they would judge me. Want to know why? Because I didn't want them to know about that party. I know you told the whole school."

Her throat made some sort of whimpering noise before she covered her mouth and cried a little more.

"If I'm scared to meet new people because of that one moment," I breathed, "then that's not okay. It's not healthy for me."

"I'm sorry." She choked.

"I know you are." I cried. "I just don't get why it took you so long to apologize." I practically broke down. "No one should have to go through this, Julia."

"I know - I'm sorry." Her voice cracked as she dropped her head into her hands. "I'm so, so sorry."

I wanted to say more - I wanted to say so much more, but I left it at that. My mind and my heart could finally breath again. The hugest weight in the entire world was lifted off my shoulders and it felt like I could see the world in color again.

I gulped and stared at the girl in front of me. I didn't know how to respond anymore. The girl who has caused me so much pain was finally apologizing - all I've ever wanted - but I don't even know if I can accept it. I don't know if I want her back in my life again. I'm not sure that I can trust her anymore.

"I just need some time to think about this, okay?" I breathed. She looked up from her hands and stared at me with sad eyes.

"Okay." She gulped. "I- uh... I want you to know that I would love to be friends with you again." She smiled through her tears.

"Thanks." I gulped and nodded my head. "I'll think about it."

I slowly got up from the bench and took a deep breath. She watched me stand up and attempted to smile. I waved goodbye before I quickly rushed out of there.

I don't even know what I want anymore.

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Hi guys! I'm really sorry that I'm posting so late on a Sunday, but it's better late than never!

Does this chapter make up for the no update on Thursday? It better. (Hehe jk but actually not jk).

Okay, about the Thursday thing again, I will TRY MY BEST this week! I have the PSAT's on Wednesday (which I sort of have to study for, I guess). If I can't update on Thursday, please don't kill me. I'll shoot for Friday.

Quick question! What are you guys doing/being for Halloween? I'm going to be a twin with my best friend (because we look alike) and we're trying to find a party but it's HARD. This is the first year I won't be Trick-or-treating :(

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK WILL HAPPEN? Will Julia and Ashley become friends again? Or nahhhhhh?

See you later! I love you guys!