TW // suicide

It feels like I'm convincing my friend I love a lot to stay alive every single night and I'm so tired. Tonight I don't even recognise my bedroom or even my house and then I looked at my phone and saw they were having an episode and was messaging me to keep them alive and I just...

I've managed to make them feel a bit better but I don't feel any better at all, and obviously I don't want to tell them that because then they might not talk to me next time out of guilt and they might go through with it.

And I don't want to message my other friend because I don't want to drain THEM too and create a never ending chain, so I guess I'll just keep holding onto it and lay here in bed and not recognise my family or my possessions for a while.

It feels like a never ending cycle of panic and relief when they change their status from 'byeee' or something like 'gonna kms /srs' to something mcyt related. It's so scary.