Why is it back why is it back why is it back

The past few nights have been some of my worst for depersonalisation/derealisation ever.

And I don't know why because it went away! I fixed it! I was better!

And now I'm not and I don't know why and I don't know who I am and I somehow simultaneously don't recognise my bedroom while feeling trapped in flooding memories from my big stitch teddy.

I just feel so empty but so scared and sad at the same time, and I can't feel anything else.

I think I'm in a dream and I don't know what's real and what's not.

I'm scared I'm going to hurt my family. I was just laid here in bed thinking about how I could do it so easily. The knives are so close and it wouldn't matter because this is a dream. I'm so fucking scared.

Like I don't think words can express how scared I am.