just a small warning: this chapter is dark. i'm also sorry for not updating in a while; this book puts me in a dark place while writing, but i think i've figured it out. enjoy!

"I was waiting for you."

Artemis held in a groan as Marlene's chipper voice sounded from the end of the corridor. The golden-haired girl's smile was brighter than the Sun as she beamed at Artemis, undaunted by the glare the Slytherin girl was giving her.

Artemis was not in the mood. She hadn't eaten or slept all day, and a long detention with Marlene McKinnon was the absolute last thing that she needed. Her usual mask of bravado was gone, revealing the horrible mess that was Artemis. But she didn't have the energy to act fine. Not tonight.

"We have detention together, remember?" Marlene continued, painfully oblivious to the snarl growing on Artemis's face.

"As if I could forget," Artemis drawled coldly in response, shouldering her bag and stalking past the girl.

"Are you okay?" asked Marlene, jogging to catch up with Artemis. "I didn't see you at dinner earlier."

Artemis clenched her teeth and continued to walk down the corridor silently. Maybe she had been cursed; that was the only explanation Artemis had to explain why Marlene McKinnon made it her goal to bother her as much as possible.

"Artemis?" Marlene pressed.

Artemis held in a deep sigh as she clenched her hands into fists, her fingernails digging into her skin. The small pain helped her focus.

"I'm worried about you," Marlene continued as they neared the Transfiguration classroom, remaining ignorant of Artemis's anger.

Something dark simmered in Artemis's veins, and she whirled around to face the annoyingly persistent Gryffindor. Marlene's face was pleasantly peaceful, juxtaposing every emotion that was inside Artemis.

She was nothing but a poorly constructed dam. And she burst.

"Why?" Artemis shouted, her voice echoing down the corridor. She folded her arms and gave Marlene an icy glare. "Why do you always claim to be worried about me? You don't even know me! You stalk me for no reason, acting like you care, but you really don't give a damn about me, do you? You don't give a damn about anything. I'm just some charity case, aren't I?"

There was shock etched on Marlene's beautiful face, but Artemis had no intention of stopping. Marlene looked to be in genuine pain, but Artemis didn't care. Nothing was real. She had tried to sleep earlier while everyone else went to dinner, but flashbacks full of Henry Grisham had plagued her, leaving her even more exhausted than she had been. She was in a foul mood, and Marlene was making everything worse.

Artemis didn't care if Marlene hated her. It didn't matter, anyways. It never had. Nothing Artemis said or did was real.

"I'm just a slut, aren't I?" Artemis spat, the words feeling like poison on her lips. She savored it. "Just your slut charity case so you can look like a saint to all of your shallow, stupid friends. I've heard what they call me when they think I'm not listening. The Slytherin Slut. Because that's all I am, yeah?"

"I never said— " Marlene began to say, an angry fire glinting in her eyes.

"Oh, just shut up. Do yourself a favor and shut up," Artemis snapped, shoving past Marlene and into the Transfiguration classroom.

Regulus Black and Abel Grisham were sitting at a table, staring at her open-mouthed as she stormed into the room. They had heard every word Artemis had just said.

And as she slumped into a chair, Artemis found that she didn't care. She didn't care. She was just so tired and she didn't care about anything, much less what Regulus Black and Abel Grisham thought of her. Much less what anyone thought of her.

"Miss Avery," Professor McGonagall said while eyeing the girl wearily. She had heard everything, too. "Are you alright?"

Artemis lifted her head to meet the woman's gaze, and she found true concern there. Concern for her.

But it wasn't genuine. Nothing was. The only real thing was Henry Grisham holding her still while her mind screamed. The memories followed her everywhere Artemis went. No, that was wrong. They weren't memories; memories were something that happened in the past. But Artemis was living a parallel life. That night wasn't in the past. Maybe she was sitting in a classroom about to serve detention. But it didn't feel real. The only thing that was real was the feeling of Henry Grisham on top of her, nearly choking her.

That night was happening right now. Over and over and over, until it threatened to consume Artemis. Unless it already had.

"Miss Avery?" McGonagall's voice asked again.

Artemis banged her knee in surprise against the table as the voice scared away the image of that night. Henry Grisham wasn't here; Artemis was. Henry Grisham wasn't real; Artemis was.

"Fine," she muttered, not daring to meet the Professor's gaze. "I'm fine."

Marlene had entered at some point, and she was sitting at the table in front of where Black and Grisham were. Nowhere near Artemis. Not that Artemis cared. She didn't care about anything.

"Professor Slughorn has asked me to have you all clean out his spare cauldrons," Professor McGonagall said to the four of them, gesturing to a small pile of cauldrons that were stacked on her desk. "Without the use of magic."

Not the worst detention. There weren't many cauldrons, and with the four of them, there might be time afterwards to visit Madam Pomfrey and beg for a sleeping draught.

McGonagall was gathering together a stack of pieces of parchment before she walked to the back of the classroom. "You may begin," McGonagall said to them over her shoulder.

Black and Grisham grumbled to each other as they staggered to the cauldrons, exchanging whispers as they passed Artemis, Marlene trailing behind the two boys.

Artemis forced herself to stand up and follow them. The world swayed as she rose. When was the last time she had eaten? Yesterday? She didn't care; she was too tired to think.

Artemis grabbed a cauldron and a brush before returning to her table, leaving the other three standing around McGonagall's desk. They were doubtlessly whispering about her.

Artemis scrubbed at the cauldron, but her mind was elsewhere. Nothing here was real. This detention, Hogwarts, her life, none of it was real. She wasn't even here at all. She had fallen asleep on a couch in the Common Room that first year and never woken up. Artemis was there right now, dreaming up this hellscape.

Wake up! she shouted in her mind. Why can't you just wake up?

Artemis could see herself in the back of her mind. The vision was always present, always playing over her life. She was young, only eleven years old, and carelessly asleep on a couch that was facing the Black Lake. Artemis had fallen asleep while waiting to see a mermaid swim by the large window. She had fallen asleep still hoping to find one.

But now, Artemis was just laying there, her hand carelessly hanging off the couch, her fingertips grazing the ground. Her face was so young, so carefree. She looked happy, even in her sleep. She was so innocent, so happy to even be at Hogwarts, so happy to be in the House that her family had been in for generations.

She could stay happy for the rest of her life. Everything that happened next was only a dream, a terrible night terror that her mind had created. All Artemis had to do was wake up right now and it would all be over. She just had to wake up.

Artemis closed her eyes, squeezing them tight with all the strength she had. Wake. Up. But the sleeping eleven year old's eyes remained closed, her chest rising evenly. There was a small trace of a smile on Artemis's younger face.

Any second, Henry Grisham would walk in. Any second, her life would change in the worst way. If she just woke up...

Wake up wake up wake up.

It pounded through Artemis's brain like a mantra, like a heartbeat. It erased everything else.

Wake up wake up wakeupwakeupwakeup

"Wake up!" Artemis finally shouted aloud. The sound of her voice shattered whatever trance she had put herself into, and she opened her eyes to find Black, Grisham, and Marlene McKinnon staring at her.

Artemis took in gulps of air, angry to feel tears on her face. Angry that she was crying, again, in front of Regulus Black. Angry that she was crying at all.

A glance over her shoulder showed that McGonagall was gone from the room. It was just Artemis and the three others.

"Are you alright?" Black asked her hesitantly, a brush laying forgotten in his slack hand.

"Fine," she muttered, scrubbing at the cauldron relentlessly. Artemis forced herself not to look up at him.

They had to be exchanging glances right now, maybe whispers. About how she was crazy. She was acting crazy, so she couldn't blame them. No one understand the fucking insanity that was her mind.

"You were in a trance or something," Grisham said after a long pause. Something like concern lined his voice. "You didn't move, just sat there with your eyes closed. Then you started shouting."

Artemis didn't care about what he said, but Grisham was there. His little brother, standing a small distance away from Artemis. So painfully unaware, so painfully naïve.

Nothing was real. She was still asleep.

"I said I was fine," Artemis growled. But tears still flowed freely from her eyes.

"You don't look fine," Marlene said, her voice accusatory. "You look like a ghost."

"Fuck off," Artemis muttered, wiping ferociously at her eyes. She was so tired.

"What did you just say to me?" Marlene asked, as if daring her to repeat it.

Artemis raised her head and allowed the girl to see the hell that rested behind Artemis's eyes. She let her see the black circles underneath her eyes and the tears and the darkness that occupied her gaze. She relished in the shock on Marlene's beautiful, perfect face. Good. Let her be horrified.

"I said to fuck off," Artemis said, her voice somehow calm. "Are you deaf as well as stupid?"

Marlene narrowed her eyes. "There's no need to be rude. You're obviously not fine."

Artemis released a bark of a laugh, but it was cold and emotionless. It was empty, just like Artemis. "You're right, Marlene. I'm so not fine, you can't even handle it. You can't even begin to understand how not fine I am. But you don't really want to, do you? You just want me to tell you that I'm fine. You don't want to see my hell, do you?"

There were only stunned faces greeting Artemis. She gulped down another breath of air, not finding it in herself to care.

Nothing was real.

But Abel Grisham was staring at Artemis with the same eyes she saw looking at her that night. The same dark eyes. Different boy, different year, but same eyes.

And Artemis snapped at the sight of them.

"And it's your fault!" she screamed, standing up in a rush. All pretenses of calm evaporated. The forgotten cauldron thudded to the ground, the sound loud enough to be thunder. Artemis all but threw herself at Grisham. "It's all your fault! You piece of shit, you worthless nothing! Are you happy? You made me this! You made me like this! Did you get what you want? Are you happy?"

Her voice broke into sobs, her hands clutching Grisham's shoulders. Her throat was sore from shouting. There was alarm and fear in Grisham's eyes, but Artemis didn't care. Let him be afraid of her. Let him be afraid of the darkness that had been festering inside her.

Then, there was another pair of hands on Artemis, pulling her away from Grisham. Relentlessly.

She released Grisham without truly caring and whirled around, eager to tear herself apart. Regulus Black was staring at her, his face contorted into a mask of horror as he pulled her away from his friend.

"Get your hands off me!" Artemis screamed at him, her voice shrill. "Don't fucking touch me!"

"Don't shout at him!" Marlene shouted, suddenly standing behind Black. Her wand was out and pointed at Artemis.

Artemis laughed through the tears. "You're going to hex me, McKinnon? Do it. Kill me." She spread her arms out wide. "Just fucking kill me already. I can't take it anymore. I can't. End it. Maybe then I'll finally like you, just like you've always wanted me to. Kill me!"

Her voice had risen to a shout, and her plea to be killed was doubtlessly audible throughout the castle. But Artemis didn't care. She cared about nothing and no one, least of all herself.

Nothing was real.

Marlene stood in front of Artemis, the wand in her hand wavering. She looked uncertain of what to do next, as did the two boys standing beside her.

"I'm not going to kill you," Marlene said softly. "I want to help you."

"You can't help me! Don't you understand? I'm beyond whatever help you can give, so just kill me!"

Everything was fuzzy and Artemis's own voice sounded like it was being shouted underwater. She was vaguely aware that she was shouting, but Artemis couldn't feel her lips move. Because she couldn't scream. The makeshift gag that Henry Grisham had shoved into her mouth was blocking her throat, making it impossible to make any noise.

Nothing was real.

Even now, Henry Grisham was on top of her, telling her that she was nothing but a slut. Marlene was no longer standing in front of her; she had disappeared and been replaced by an empty Common Room.

And there was Henry Grisham, his dark eyes empty in the strained green lighting. He was on top of Artemis, inside of her.

Then, everything disappeared, and Artemis fell to the floor like a marionette with its strings cut off. She fell into the never-ending night terror, oblivious to McGonagall walking into the classroom. Oblivious to Regulus Black catching her right before her head collided with the wooden floor.

Nothing was real.

•••

-ALL I KNOW IS A HOPELESS PLACE-
[good mourning / halsey]