[the lyrics in this chapter belong to halsey and are in the song "good mourning"]

There was something dark lingering in the corridors of Hogwarts. It suffocated the air, choking out all the usual conversation and laughter that spiraled from the clumps of friends. Now, solemn groups passed by Artemis wearing frowns, and whispers of swishing robes was the only sound. Whatever it was, Artemis doubted that she would find out. Not that she cared.

Artemis watched them all from her perch in the window. No one made eye contact with her; they pretended that she was nothing more than a wall decoration. But it was nothing that she wasn't used to. Nothing that she didn't make happen.

She bit her lip carefully, and twisted a platinum blonde strand of her hair around her finger. Bending over the piece of parchment sprawled on her legs, she dipped her quill into ink, and began to write.

They told me once, "there's a place where love conquers all"
A city with the streets full of milk and honey
I haven't found it yet, but I'm still searching
All I know is a hopeless place that flows with the blood of my kin
Perhaps hopeless isn't a place
Nothing but a state of mind
They told me once, "don't trust the moon, she's always changing"
The shores bend and break for her
And she begs to be loved
But nothing here is as it seems

The words made no sense, but they rarely did. Artemis had learned long ago not to question what went on in her mind. Not since Second Year.

"Artemis."

Artemis glanced up, and found her brother, Apollo, to be standing in front of her, oblivious of the grumbling students having to step around him. He looked down at Artemis with a grin and a question in his eyes. She forced a smile onto her face.

"What are you doing here all alone?" Apollo asked. He tilted his head slightly to the right, his golden hair catching in the afternoon light.

Artemis casually shrugged, the movement an answer in itself. But inside, her heart was pounding like a thousand drums.

He knows that I shagged his best friend last night.

Her brother moved as if to sit next to her. Her calm, patient, unsuspecting brother. Fast as a viper, Artemis hugged the piece of parchment close to her chest. Apollo quirked in an eyebrow up into a questioning arch. He may be naïve, but he was not trustworthy of her thoughts and words.

"What's that?" he asked, his eyes lighting up like a dog on a hunt.

She glared at him, silently begging for him to leave her alone. "It's nothing. Why don't you go find Harper and bother her? She is your girlfriend, after all."

Apollo shrugged nonchalantly. "She's studying with Dorcas in the library. I thought I would spend some time with you."

Artemis fought back the snort of laughter that crawled up her throat. It had been so long since Apollo had even tried to talk to Artemis. But Apollo noticed her brief look of amusement, and looked offended.

"What's wrong, Arty?"

Easy Arty. That's what Sam McCrorey had called her after they had sex in Fourth Year. She had left immediately, and refused to speak with him since. He had been her crush since First Year, and she had been somewhat ecstatic when it happened. Until afterwards. He reminded her too much of the truth.

She scowled. "Don't call me that. I'm not five anymore, Apollo." Better that she hid the reasoning behind a believable lie than reveal the excruciating truth.

Her brother grinned. "You're one year younger than me, Arty. I know my own age. But really, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. Just leave me alone, okay?"

He raised his eyebrows, but didn't fight it. Just as Artemis knew he wouldn't. Apollo hated confrontations of any kind, and he rarely dared to push Artemis when she was like this. Which was always.

"Is there anything I can do?" Apollo asked.

"You could leave," she responded dryly, staring straight into his eyes.

Hurt flashed in his eyes, but he nodded his head. "Okay. I'll go. But if you need me, I'll be in the library, okay?"

Artemis merely nodded, and stayed silent as Apollo left. Relief crashed into her chest. She was always terrified whenever her brother attempted to make conversation with her. She was afraid that her secret would slip out, that she would say the r-word.

But it happened so long ago that it barely mattered anymore. The girl that Grisham had seen that night was dead now, killed by years of faking and lying and sex. Besides, Artemis had slept with twelve boys since. None of them led to a relationship, which was preferred. Relationships led to nothing but disaster and chaos. And she was already enough of a disaster.

It was like a crime scene, like in the Muggle mystery novels she had once loved to read. Her body was a crime scene. By having other boys touch it, the crime became meaningless, like it had never happened. She was older now, and Henry Grisham had graduated from Hogwarts years ago. She was no longer a scared Second Year girl. Artemis Avery was now the girl everyone knew about. The other girls hated her, fearing that she would sleep with their boyfriends. Which she had. And, somehow, the boys always knew where to find her. It was a balance of sorts.

Artemis was no longer helpless, no longer naïve and weak. Grisham had tried to destroy her by using her body, but her body was now her weapon. Her only weapon.

And she was going to use it.

"Slut."

The word was spat at her by an unfamiliar Fourth Year Hufflepuff. The girl glared at Artemis as she walked by. Artemis just flashed her a smile, which she knew would make her mad. It always seemed to, when the good girls realized that she didn't give a shit about what they thought of her.

Better to be a slut than a scared little girl. Better to be a slut than a nobody.

Artemis gently put her piece of parchment into her bag, and stood up. Across the corridor, Regulus Black, a Slytherin boy in her year, watched her warily, studying her like she was a detailed painting. She gave him a lazy, casual smile before walking away, disappearing into the throng of people. Artemis pretended not to notice that everyone drifted away as she walked, as if not wanting to associate with her.

If you pretended like you had no feelings, it kind of felt like you didn't. And it kind of made this type of life worth living.

•••

-BUT NOTHING HERE IS AS IT SEEMS-
[ good mourning / halsey ]