"A train?"

Artemis shouldered the bag that was on her shoulder, shooting Regulus a glare as he stared dubiously at the Muggle train in front of them. The platform was crowded as men carrying briefcases plowed through families, who were wandering around, looking lost.

"Yes, a train," replied Artemis. "We have to meet my parents somehow, and none of us can Apparate. So we're taking the train."

"Come on, it won't be that bad," said Marlene cheerfully, playfully elbowing Regulus in the ribs.

"It's all about the experience," said Apollo, his smile warming up the cold December air. Harper Rookwood, his girlfriend of a year, smiled and leaned in closer to him.

Artemis looked away. They made it look so easy, to just touch each other as if it were nothing. As if their skin didn't crawl with a thousand knives. As if their mind didn't scream.

"Are you alright, Artie?" Apollo asked, his eyebrows knitting together.

Artemis snapped to alertness, contorting her face back into a pleasant expression. "Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired."

"Well, I'm sure you can sleep on the train," smiled Apollo. "Does everyone have their trunks?"

A quiet chorus of yes followed his words, and Apollo looked satisfied as he led the small group into the train station, the five of them trailing behind him.

"Artie?" whispered Regulus delightfully, falling into step beside Artemis.

"Shut up," she hissed at him. But it was difficult to stay annoyed when solace flooded through her bones as such little space remained between them.

"Be nice, Reg," said Marlene from behind them, pushing along a cart that had both her and Artemis' trunks stacked on top of it. "I think it's a cute nickname."

"Yeah, for a six-year-old boy," teased Regulus. "Who knew the ice princess had such a cute nickname."

Regulus suddenly slipped on a small patch of ice, and he grabbed onto Artemis to steady himself. Instinctively, she went to pull away from his touch. But she stopped just as quickly as she had started.

It was relief, on a scale that Artemis hadn't known was possible. It was as if she had been living in lead armor all her life to have it finally lifted off. Being near him was nothing compared to this.

Regulus released her arm, and the weight sunk back onto Artemis. Breathing became laborious as he looked at her from the corner of his eye.

"Sorry," he said. "I slipped."

"It's fine," Artemis said, but the words were too rushed together to sound sincere. Her mind was still reeling from what had happened.

Whatever easiness has formed between them suddenly evaporated. They continued their walk through the station in silence, all sounds of teasing gone. Guilt turned in Artemis' stomach, but the desire to touch Regulus again was stronger.

"This is us," announced Apollo, interrupting Artemis' thoughts. "We booked two compartments, so I thought we could split it. It'll only be a two hour ride. Tobias and Harper, follow me."

He handed Artemis three tickets, each neatly printed with a compartment number. She took them, her hand feeling numb as Apollo's fingers brushed over her palm.

"See you in France!" he said cheerfully, waving over his shoulder as he disappeared onto the train.

"He's nice," said Marlene finally, the words turning into a cloud in the cold air as they left her mouth. "Now, where are we sitting?"

•••

"Do you want to talk?"

Artemis tore her gaze from the window, where she had been watching the snow-covered landscape fly by for the past hour. Regulus was staring intently at her while Marlene, asleep on the seat next to her, snored softly.

"Talk about what?" asked Artemis, anxiety creeping into her voice.

Regulus shrugged. "About anything. It's been a quiet ride."

Artemis shifted, wincing as her elbow bumped into the cold window. "Sorry. I'm just tired."

"Then why don't you take a nap?"

"It's not that kind of tired," said Artemis weakly.

"Oh."

She felt guilty; it sounded like she was trying to snub Regulus, but it wasn't like that at all. Artemis was afraid to fall asleep, in fear that Henry would find her in her dreams. Afraid that she would be screaming in front of Regulus. Afraid that, in a moment of terror-filled weakness, she would tell him everything.

"But we can talk," said Artemis apologetically, turning to face Regulus. "What's your favorite colour?"

Regulus gave her a skeptical look. "Out of all the questions you can ask, that's the one you go with?"

Artemis shrugged. "It's easy, figured that would be something good to start with."

Regulus laughed, and Artemis felt her own heart feel a little lighter. "Alright. My favorite colour is blue."

"Blue?" Artemis repeated, wrinkling her nose. "I would've thought green."

"Because I'm in Slytherin? How stereotypical of you," Regulus teased, a hand carelessly running through his dark hair. "No, I've always liked blue best. Like an ice blue, you know?"

Artemis found herself nodding along to his words. In that moment, she couldn't think of a colour more beautiful than blue.

"What about you?" asked Regulus. "What's your favorite colour?"

Artemis pondered the question. "Black," she decided finally.

"That's so boring."

"Is not," argued Artemis. "It's the colour of nothing, the colour of emptiness. It's the last thing we see before we sleep, and it's what will follow once we die."

Silence filled the compartment. Artemis looked out the window, stubbornly refusing to look at Regulus. It was too much to have told him.

"I like blue because it's pretty," was all Regulus said. Artemis turned to find him smiling at her. "Alright, next question: what are you most afraid of?"

His hands, clutching onto my thighs possessively. As if he had always owned me. As if I were nothing. His lips, hot and wet against my neck. Tasting me. His eyes, devouring every last piece of my body until there was nothing left of me.

What was I most afraid of?

Not Henry. Not even what he did to me. The memory of it sent my heart racing in fear, but that wasn't what I feared the most. No, what I was most afraid of was everyone finding out what happened to me. What I was most afraid of was the word being said to me.

Raped.

It was ugly, it was brutal. It wasn't me; it couldn't be. I was terrified that word would replace my name. No longer Artemis Avery; I would be the-girl-who-was-raped. I would be seen as weak, preyed upon.

"Artemis?" asked Regulus, drawing Artemis out of her mind. His eyes were concerned, peering at her with this foreign emotion.

She forced a smile onto her face, but even Artemis knew that it was shaky and unconvincing. "Sorry," she said, "I was just thinking."

"You looked scared," Regulus said, gently pressing. He leaned forwards, resting his elbows on his knees. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," said Artemis harshly.

A tense silence settled over the compartment like a recently fallen snow. Artemis crossed her arms and looked blankly at the window, staring without seeing.

"I'm scared of nothing," said Regulus after several minutes.

Artemis turned to face him, giving him an incredulous look. "Really? You're not scared of anything?"

"No, not like that. I'm scared of being nothing," said Regulus, his dark gaze looking somewhere that Artemis couldn't see. "I'm scared that one day, there won't be anyone who remembers me. That all of this was for nothing."

He was scared of being nothing. Artemis could have laughed. All she wanted was to be nothing, to not even exist, to just fade away into a blank, dark, empty nothing.

There's something I have to tell you.

The words balanced unsteadily on the tip of Artemis' tongue. But there were so many things she could tell him. And Artemis didn't trust herself to decide which to choose.

I have to tell you something.

"Regulus," Artemis started to say. "I have to —"

Suddenly, Marlene exploded into motion beside Artemis, expelling herself violently from sleep. Marlene's arms swung out wide as her eyes snapped opened.

"What the hell?" sputtered Regulus, leaning away as if fearing that the Gryffindor would hit him.

Marlene stretched like a cat, smiling sleepily at him. "Sorry," she said through a yawn. "I'm a lively sleeper."

But Regulus' attention was no longer on Marlene; his dark eyes were focused on Artemis. But whatever openness that Artemis had felt with Regulus disappeared, and the realization that they were strangers had settled over her once more.

"What were you saying, Artemis?" asked Regulus, his voice soft as if approaching a scared animal.

She shook her head, pale blonde hair flying. "Nothing," Artemis said through a clenched smile.

Marlene said something then and Regulus responded, spurring a light conversation. But Artemis turned to stare out the window again, losing herself between the snow-covered landscape. Her unsaid words rolled louder than thunder in her mind.

•••

-FULL OF ONLY ECHOES-
[ everything that helps you sleep / julien baker ]