Bailey

Tonight was pamper night, at least that is what I told myself, when I indulged in food, wine and a hot bath. It followed by a face mask, freshly painted toes and a cute little pj set, which consisted of a cami top and a little pair of shorts to match.

When I had woken this morning, I had felt off, most women get those days, I know. Men too. But it was the first time I was really aware and in tune with my body and I placed that down to the Coronavirus pandemic.

The whole world was on kilter, unfortunately I couldn't help the entire world, but I could help myself, which led to me preparing a lovely evening for a part of one. Me.  By the time I crawled into bed, I felt calmer, all my ducks seemed to sit in a row, instead of trying to flee from their little nest.

Self love. That is what I needed.

Resting back against the headboard with my e-reader, (it's an eco friendly way to enjoy reading, so don't try me), I was about to dive into another new book when the idea struck me.

Staring at the E-reader, begging for my attention, my eyes slowly manoeuvred to my phone, which was sat on the dresser beside me, also beckoning me to pick it up.

"No." I tell myself, tucking the bedding around my legs tightly, fiddling with the leather case that surrounded my e-reader, I tried to settle again.

I failed.

Shutting the case, I placed it on the dresser and grabbed my phone, sinking into the fresh sheets of my bed and opening the app that I told myself I would limit my use of. I failed in that too.

Every night I found myself doing this, like a new plucked up routine, get on the app, look for someone to speak to and then fall into a conversation about anything and everything.

So far, I had met a few nice people, however there was a darker side to the app as I soon found out when someone sent me a d pic into my mailbox. It practically leapt out the screen at me, like a jack in the box and I had almost thrown my phone when it happened. Now I was more cautious of opening message... Just in case.

I wasn't sure what gave me the confidence to download the app, I had considered that it was to do with the cover of darkness and allowing myself to be someone else during the nightfall? I also considered that maybe it was the lack of conversation I found myself in since Vegas had gone into shut down? Maybe I was lonely? Hell it could be because I lacked a love life?

My first intentions were to go on the app and bond with people who were also going through this, to talk and make friends, but it soon turned into a game of online shopping.. For a new boyfriend, or friend with benefit.

I know what you're thinking...

Bailey, you live in Vegas, surrounded by millions of people, from all over the world, there has to be someone?! And there probably is, but I had tried the one night stand gig, I did it once and hated myself for weeks after, throwing myself into a pit of guilt.

The guy was more than happy with himself after the deed was done, whilst I felt dirty and changed before scurrying out the hotel room like a rat.

One nights stands weren't for me.

I. Needed. Connection.

Desperately.

I needed kindness, care, devotion, heck I needed conversation! What I didn't need was a single drink in a bar, one low rent hotel room and an hour I would rather forget..

The app was perfect.. I could see who I was talking to, how far they were away from Vegas, there was an option of video calling, and I could block them if I received an unwelcome photo. It was the groundwork of dating, without getting to the bar for a first date and realising you had been cat fished.. (Yes that has happened too.) Some people would say that it was taking the fun out of dating, I disagreed.

I looked at my profile picture, knowing full well that it wasn't sufficient, it was of me and some friends, meaning the guy wouldn't know who he was speaking to, unless he asked. That was enough to spark a conversation, some even asking if I could put them in touch with my friends rather than me. Yeah that sucked too.

A few nights ago, I had come across a profile, Zak.. Still a bit of a mystery and I was still debating on whether it was worth trying to convince him that Gomez and Morticia were the real stars of the Addams family. The fact he even put that in his profile told me that he had a good sense of humour, which is key. Nobody wants someone who is stuffy and boring, right?

No picture...

Humming, I click onto his profile, seeing no further interaction since he set it up. There was no updated information, it was like he created the profile and ditched it. My thumb hovers for a seconds before I press the mailbox, letting the window load up.

Chewing on my bottom lip, I sink further into the bed, staring up at the screen trying to work out what to put.

There's probably a million ways to start a conversation, maybe more.. But I wanted a response too so it had to be good. Or reasonably good..

The default picture stares back at me from top right corner, taunting me with the fact that I couldn't see his face. What if he was one of the weirdos? What if he was a peepee snapper and I was flooded with photos?

God I hope not.

I debated on doing heads or tails, I could see a coin in my room, right now. But I knew that whatever it landed on, I would message him, so I skipped the idea and went back to staring at the screen, waiting for the words to appear for me. Then before I was ready, mentally, to prepare myself. I had wrote and sent it...

Bailey- How long have you got?

I groaned loudly in my bed, not only was it vague but also stupid. Aaand you betcha sweet ass I got off the app, pronto!

I've screwed it up. I wish I could un-send it. I wish I could delete it too. But I couldn't..

There's plenty more fish in the sea.. Right?!