Wilder Collins.

He was the answer to my problems. The only guy Brad would listen to. The only guy who could help me achieve what I had in mind. Provided, of course, that I could persuade him.

I was sick of the way gossip spread like wildfire in our school. No worthy news ever seemed to find the headlines as much as the scandals. I had a vague idea that I wanted to do something to change it. I had always been interested in journalism, and this might even be an opportunity for that.

The only trouble was to get Wilder alone. He had been talented at coding before he had decided that it was too nerdy, and discarded it. However, I hoped with his coding and my creativity, we could create what I had in mind. Provided, of course, that he agreed in the first place.

I was reluctant to call or text him, not having done that since a long time, and I wasn't even sure if he had the same number anymore. If things between us had been icy before, they were now liquid nitrogen.

The next day at school, I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. It felt like a beacon, a little secret flame in my chest, thawing my heart.

Until I was rudely awoken from my fantasy slumber.

I was walking along the corridor towards my calculus class, immersed in trying to learn the formulae even though I had already learnt it by heart. It was more of an attempt to appear busy so no one would approach me. It didn't work, however.

"I bet you like sticky stuff."

My head snapped up at the sudden whisper, and I saw a shaggy-haired stranger passing by me with a knowing smirk on his face that made my blood boil. I knew he wasn't worth my attention and forced myself to return to my book with gritted teeth.

Sure enough, that was the first of many taunts I had to endure that day.

"That must have been like a fantasy."

"Is that why he keeps lurking around the boys' locker room?"

"Dude needs to get a fucking life."

In a way, I was glad I was alone. I didn't think I could cope with the humiliation of being teased in front of anyone. And suddenly I was deluged under the icy shock of realisation, that for all the pride parades and acceptance, somewhere there still resided a deep-rooted stigma. Same as my mom. Same as the shaggy-haired guy who had passed cruel remarks. Same as my sister who didn't understand why I was still terrified.

This was why Wilder didn't want anyone to know. I couldn't imagine him ever coming out anyway. He would lose his standing, possibly more. And there was no way I was going to let myself be the cause of that. Even though I might be naive at times, I knew the world of difference between Wilder Collins and Wilder Collins: the gay. 

The difference that still existed in this century. 

Some stupidly optimistic part of me wanted to believe that people didn't mean any genuine harm. That their lighthearted homophobic jokes were just that.

I endured an entire day of taunts and sniggers, deciding to ignore everything that was said. Cam and Ray acted civilised enough with each other, although too much so, which made me feel like something was off. When I tried to talk to Ray, her pale blue eyes narrowed. She didn't say anything other than a few generic comments and turned her face away from me, flashing me her dark curly hair instead. I gazed at her and to my right where Camden sat, staring at us. I shrugged and decided to concentrate on class instead.

However, of course, it was impossible, since every time I left my mind empty, it wandered to Wilder and how his lips had felt on mine. How he had held me close, his mouth tender but hungry at the same time. How his hot breath had felt. There had been something between us, my infatuated brain was sure of it. However, he hadn't wanted anyone to know about the kiss. It made sense since he did have a girlfriend.

Maybe he was just ashamed of me. That would explain why he had suddenly decided to sever all ties. Evidently, I had been pretty easy to get over. Even though he had only been a friend before my feelings had fucked everything over.

After school that day, I went to the football grounds as Cam and Ray bid goodbye to me. Things were different somehow. The way they didn't seem to directly look at each other. The way they strictly kept on either side of me. The way they spoke in an unnaturally measured voice.  I could still feel a certain tension between them and felt a heaviness in my stomach.

I decided not to dwell on it. The prospect of seeing Wilder was already making me nervous enough.

I walked over to the large football grounds and saw several students running around in their gears. Some were practising spare shots at the goal. The sun was pleasantly bright, although, still too hot for anyone to be sprinting. I spotted Hector, and alongside him, Wilder.

My heart skipped a beat as he laughed at something Hector had spoken. His alluring eyes sparkled under the daylight as he responded and shook his head, smiling. I sighed softly, wishing that I could make him smile like that.

I took a deep breath and went and stood near the ground, hoping I could ambush him.

Unfortunately, before he could see me, Hector did. He nudged Wilder's elbow and gestured at me, a smirk on his face that made my skin crawl. Wilder glanced at me once and taking the opportunity I waved a hand like an unstoppable doofus.

He stopped, a strange, grim expression on his face as he walked over to me, leaving Hector doubled over in laughter for some reason.

"Hey," I began, my heart racing uncomfortably at the sight of him. "Er...could we talk?"

"Make it quick," he said, panting slightly from his run.

"You...you would have seen it. The video. With the glue and everything."

He was quiet for a while, pursing his lips before he finally nodded.

"Ask Brad to take it down. Please. I don't....want my mom to see it."

His eyes widened in mild surprise before he raised an eyebrow. "You scared of her, Evans?"

I shook my head. "You know that she's...she's very...traditional," I sighed. "Brad's comments are really...I don't want my mom to see them. Please."

"I'm no one to ask him to do anything," he said, shrugging nonchalantly as lead-filled my insides. I felt like he was trying too hard to seem aloof. Or did he actually not care at all? I couldn't understand why the sparkle in his eyes seemed to dim, as if he was sad. "And... it's weird. That I would ask him to do something for you."

I gaped at him.

"It's...a request, Collins," I said, a twinge of anger passing through me. "You know he will listen to you."

He sighed and shook his head, glancing behind him where Hector was now joined by another guy with rust coloured hair. Wilder cursed under his breath and spoke quickly, "Just try to keep her off."

He started to return to them when I spoke again, desperation clawing at my insides, "I want to create a blog that will divert attention from gossip and shitty news to stuff that is actually relatable and useful. I need your help."

He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face me. "That's going a bit far to divert attention from you, don't you think?" He raked a hand through his hair and I marvelled silently at the way the shimmering sunlight streamed through it. "Something new will happen and people will forget. That's the way it has always been."

"It's more than that," I insisted, moving closer to him. "We could even make it useful. And if you help me, you could add it to your resume-"

He scoffed. "My resume has several state level and national level accolades already, Evans, thank you very much." He started walking away again. "Don't worry about it. People will forget soon."

In my desperation, without thinking, I reached for him and grabbed his wrist. "Collins, just-"

He wrenched his hand away as if scalded as laughter rang out from behind him. His eyes were wide with shock as he glared at me, his cheeks ruddy. "Don't fucking touch me."

I stared, my heart sinking. Not just at the fact that he refused to help me, but more at the fact that he was looking at me like I was some disgusting thing he found under his shoe.

Some disgusting thing he had played tennis tonsils with less than twenty-four hours ago.

"Okay. Forget about it," I tried again. "Just...just get the post taken down. Okay? I beg you. My mom...she'll flip the fuck out if she figures it out."

"Look, I-I'm sorry, okay? You ju-" He cursed under his breath when someone on his team sniggered loudly enough for us to hear. He gritted his teeth. "It's going to be okay. Just...just try to ignore. Trying to do anything else will only add fuel to the fire."

"You just need to ask him once, Wilder. I-" I persisted like a moron. 

"Don't drag me in the middle of this, Evans," he began, glaring at me. "I'm nowhere in your little soap. Whatever issues you have with Jones, sort it out with him. And stop-" he shut his eyes and opened them again, his eyes flashing. "Stop apprehending me in public like this. And don't touch me. And stay away from me."

I gaped at him. Apprehending? That word seemed too big-brain to fly around his group. Even though I knew he had a habit to dumb himself down in order to be comprehensive to his minimal IQ friends. Was his choice of strangely formal words with me intentional then?

I felt scalded like he had thrown boiling water on me. My stomach knotted uncomfortably, my heart settling around my navel. His sighed, his gaze softening suddenly. He opened his mouth as if to say something but then shut it again. 

He turned and walked away without another word to join his sniggering group of friends who laughed and clapped his back, their beady eyes trained on me. It was true that Wilder and I hadn't exactly been best buddies for some time now, but he had never been so rude to me before.

You usually couldn't be rude to anyone without talking to them. 

I glared at him, clenching my jaw. I knew my idea was possibly impractical, but I was sick of the mainstream high school drama.

I went straight home after that, seething with anger and burning with humiliation. I knew that it wasn't Wilder's fault whatever mess I had got myself into. But asking Brad to lay off wouldn't have cost him anything. I reached home and went up the staircase, glad that Kailey wasn't home. I hadn't seen her since last night and didn't want to any time soon. Arfie jumped at me and this time, I let him lick my face. After he was done, I washed up, finally making my way to my study table.

I sighed and booted up my laptop, reluctant to check the social media, knowing I would see more memes about myself. I glanced at the video of me making snow angels and my heart sank. The video now had over two thousand views, which meant that most of the school would have seen it.

I sighed, scrolling aimlessly through the comments before my eyes fell on one.

Wilder A. Collins: Haha! I think it was hilarious how he took it in his stride! Definite sportsmanship.

I stared at the comment and saw about eight hundred upvotes. There were several replies to his comments agreeing with him. Instead of individually telling people off or making Brad take down the post, he had publicly tried to manipulate the situation to make it better for me. Butterflies erupted in my stomach.

Brianna Lockhart: right??? I can't stop laughing

Celine Banks: I could never have the guts!

Stanley Winters: rofl XD

I blinked, leaning closer to the screen. My heart raced in dreadful hope. I clicked on the account, seeing Wilder's profile picture. It was an old one, back in freshman year when he first got selected in the football team. He stood in his new gear, a football in his hand as he grinned widely. I took a deep breath, amassing the courage and decided to thank him quickly.

Nicola J. Evans: Collins, thanks for your comment on the post.

I pressed send and bit my lip hard, wondering if I was being stupid. He had basically asked me to stay away from him, but then, people could be more vulnerable online. My heart jumped to my throat when I saw that he was typing. I was vaguely aware of Arfie's furry head near my leg as he pressed up against me and lay down to nap.

Wilder A. Collins: np :)

No problem.

With the creepiest emoji ever.

I sighed and lay my head against the desk. What was I expecting? A confession?

The tiny notification bell went off and my head snapped upwards again as I gazed at the new message from him.

don't remember a lot of css. can't do much but will try. if you're willing.

I stared at the words, my heart hammering. I took a deep breath, waiting for twenty seconds and deciding that it was a respectable enough time limit. I typed back to him quickly.

works! we can google the other stuff, thank you so much! <3

I stared at the screen and erased the message. It was way too out there.

alright works. appreciate it.

What was I? Some agent? I sighed and tried again.

that sounds good! thnx

I pressed send, contemplating whether or not I should ask for his number. He went offline and my heart sank again, wondering if he was avoiding me. I typed in a message again, hoping he would respond.

looking forward to it <3

Before I could comprehend my actions, I pressed send. I immediately chewed my tongue and drowned into the depths of hell. A heart emoji? What the fuck was I thinking?

Before I could delete it, the dreaded green dot appeared near his name and he was online again. My heart jumped to my throat and I was almost afraid it would simply leap out of my mouth. I waited for him to block me, or maybe send a laughing emoji.

me too <3

My heart did leap out of my mouth and instead began to tap dance on my keyboard.

I stared at the two words for a long time, a stupid grin on my face. He wasn't repulsed by me. In spite of the way he acted. And for a second, I could glimpse the guy who I had fallen for. The guy who had accepted me in all my flaws. The guy who had become my best friend. The guy who had been the best part of the eighteen years of my life.

I felt ashamed as a lump rose up my throat. I knew I was being stupid. Overthinking everything. But the tiny flicker of hope was enough to warm my entire being. Maybe just maybe, it would grow into a catastrophic fire.

I just hoped that I wouldn't end up burning myself. Or worse, him.