"How are things at school honey?"

"Good."

"How are your classes?"

"Great."

"Your friends?"

"Awesome."

"Look up when spoken to, Nicola," my mom said impatiently and clicked her tongue. "And stop playing with your food."

I placed the spoon back on the plate, the yellow yolk of the half boiled egg on it still half-eaten and faced my mom. "Sorry," I muttered, locking my phone and placing it back in my pocket. Ever since Wilder had replied to me, I had tried to keep the conversation going. So far, he had replied in a civilized manner, which was enough to make me hope.

Stupid dumb hope. A dream for the fickle-minded.

"Why are you on that phone so much anyway?" she asked as she applied a liberal amount of butter on the bread and placed it on my plate. I blushed but tried to hide it. I stared at the bread on the plate and sighed, pushing it away from me. She shook her head and continued. "You don't eat nearly enough, honey."

I shook my head and was thankful when Kailey walked into the kitchen, her long dark hair pulled behind in a ponytail. She was in her black and pink sports tee and shorts which made me realize with a jolt that the inter-school tournaments would begin again. My heart sunk as I realized that would mean that it would be difficult for Wilder to help me.

She sat across the table from me, ignoring me completely as she took a piece of bread off the stack kept on the centre of the table. "Morning, mom!"

She smiled as mom gave her a nod. "Goodmorning, sweetie."

What a kiss ass.

Kailey and I had never been close, growing further apart after elementary school. Soon after, she started hanging out with older students and gradually ascended higher in the popularity quotient.

"Mom, I might be late today," she said. "I'm going out with Matt."

I stopped in my act of playing with my food and gazed silently at my mom, waiting for her reprimand. However, she smiled and nodded. "Alright, honey. Take care and be responsible, and return home on time."

Kailey nodded as I gaped open-mouthed at them. What was this gender-biased game my mom was playing? I couldn't imagine her ever approving of me dating before college, not even if it were a girl.

"Nicola," my mom began, clearing her throat as I flinched slightly at the name. Why they had decided to give my sister a really cool and modern name while I was stuck with a 'fancy-but-an actually-feminine-kinda-Nicholas-but-not-quite-Nicholas name that didn't help my social status, was beyond me.

"I was wondering...how's Rayleigh?"

Kailey started giggling as I gaped at my mom, stunned. I wondered where she was going with this. "Er...she's alright."

"She is a nice girl, honey," my mom continued, her voice soft. "I was thinking...you may have someone you like. And I know in the past I haven't exactly been very supportive, but if you would like to get into dating, provided you are responsible, of course-"

"Mom, stop it," I said, my face burning. "She's my friend."

Kailey started laughing, her eyes sparkling mischievously as she spoke. "Yes, and she's a girl-"

My stomach turned to lead as I glanced at her, my eyes wide. I know we didn't exactly get along, but I never really thought she would oust my sexuality to my mother.

However, it seemed like my mom didn't catch on and continued relentlessly. "I'm just saying, honey. I know you might have urges and if you do like her or anyone else I would be-"

"I'll see you." I got to my feet and left the room without another word, pushing the food away from me. Kailey's laughter still rang in my ears. I was vaguely aware of my mom calling after me but I couldn't care less. I got into the car and gripped the steering wheel hard, gritting my teeth. I knew I would have to wait for Kailey even though I wanted to kill her. 

She walked out of the door after a while. I was glad to see that my mom wasn't tagging along. I opened my mouth to tell her to fuck off when, much to my surprise, she passed right by my car and onto the main street.

I slowly started driving and pulled up close to her, rolling down the windows to glare. "I was fucking waiting for you there."

She sighed and shook her head. "Brad is coming to pick me up."

"You almost told mom today," I said, gritting my teeth. "Why the fuck do you hate me so much?"

She looked mildly surprised and looked at me, playing with a strand of her hair. "You're being dramatic, Nicola," I flinched as she continued. "I don't hate you. Plus, mom would never catch on. Relax."

I gazed at her, killing the urge to hit her again. If I wasn't a pacifist, I would have punched someone. Possibly myself.

Sometimes it was hard to imagine that we were related by blood. I didn't say a word and drove away from her, trying to fixate my mind on something positive.

Wilder. I would see him today.

I was still feeling kind of optimistic despite the fact that I still expected whispers and taunts. Although, after Wilder's supportive comment yesterday they might be less. People usually agreed with him. My heart warmed slightly at the thought. It was true that he had initially refused to help me, but the fact that he had gone on to make that little gesture meant that he was thinking about me.

I was smiling like an idiot when I stepped into the parking lot. It was later than usual and most students had gone to their classes. I started walking briskly towards the familiar red-bricked building before I stopped in my tracks.

On the opposite side of the parking, two horrifyingly familiar figures were engaged in a passionate embrace. One of the figures turned slightly and my heart spiralled into my stomach as my suspicions were confirmed. Wilder and Kendra were engaged in a steamy make-out session against a car I recognised as Wilder's. Her slender fingers were knotted in his hair, their bodies pressed together as he kissed her back, his hands grabbing her waist.

Nicola James Evans succumbed to jealousy in the parking lot of Northwood High.

Or so it felt like.

I felt something reach down my throat and squeeze my heart, agony ripping through my chest. I had seen Wilder with his several girlfriends many times before, but somehow, after he had kissed me, like a fool I had thought that he would want me. But the way his hands roamed over her body, made me realize I was mistaken. I felt the pain through my entire being like my body was sore after someone had pummelled me repeatedly against the wall.

Why did it hurt so much?

I took a deep breath, pulling the straps of my backpack on my shoulder and started making my way through what now felt like solid air. I shuddered, trying to get rid of the gnawing feeling in my stomach. I didn't know what I was expecting. That he would break up with Kendra and get together with me? Maybe. Was I stupid? Definitely.

My mood was sore throughout the day. I felt like I needed someone to talk to, and both my friends were still acting extremely awkward around each other. I wasn't too keen on getting stuck between them, so I decided to tell Camden everything and hopefully get a third person's view on the matter.

I still had a few hours before I could see him and had to bite my feelings down, something that I thankfully had a lot of experience in.

"Cam," I spoke at chemistry practicals that day when I finally managed to get hold of him. He was trying to perform a titration that was already fucked, by the looks of the dark magenta liquid swirling in the beaker. "I...I need to talk to you."

He sighed in resignation and gazed at me. "Now?"

I nodded and stood beside him near the granite counter. I fixed my gaze on Miss Wheeler who was thankfully too involved in chatting with the lab assistant.

My heart hammered, my fingertips were suddenly cold as I spoke in a breathless whisper, "Er...that day at Kendra's party, Wilder kissed me."

His eyes widened and he paused in his act of swirling the contents of his beaker, fruitlessly trying to make it lighter. "What?"

"Yes. In...in the kitchen," I finished, my face suddenly hot. "I mean...not even a peck. Like...a full-blown make out."

He furrowed his brows and was quiet for some time before he sighed and straightened up. "Maybe he got a dare."

I shook my head, feeling a twinge of annoyance at his blatant denial. "No. If it was I would have known. Plus his girlfriend was there, who would dare him to kiss me at a party thrown by his girlfriend?"

He sighed, "Maybe no. But..." He shook his head and shrugged. "I don't know, Nic...I think it was nothing."

"He put his damn tongue in my mouth, Cam," I whispered, my cheeks burning. "Don't tell me it meant nothing."

"What do you want me to say?" he asked, clicking his tongue impatiently. "I'm telling you what I think."

I sighed and leaned over the counter. "I...I know he has like- a girlfriend and everything but..." I bit my lip, my mind wandering to how I had seen him making out passionately with Kendra in the morning. "I mean...I just thought maybe I felt something. Plus...he agreed to help me with the blog."

I had told Cam and Ray about the blog that morning, although none of them had seemed particularly enthusiastic about the idea. They agreed to pitch in from time to time, but I knew it would largely be dependent on me.

"Yes. So you automatically assume that he loves you?"

I felt a twinge of anger. I knew he was right, but all I had wanted was just an inkling of hope and he refused to be that source. "Cam...I just think that just maybe-" I shook my head. "Maybe he would-"

"Nic, drop it alright?" He raised an eyebrow and gazed at me, speaking gently but firmly. "He has a girlfriend. He's probably fucking her silly-" I winced horribly at his crass words and he stuttered, blinking rapidly.

"Did you wince?"

I almost choked on my own overlarge tongue. "No."

"You winced." He shook his head and sighed. I bit my lip and turned my face away from him. I tried hard not to think about Wilder with his girlfriends, and it had gotten easier over the years. But somehow, my brain seemed less rational ever since he had kissed me.

"It's true and you know it," he continued ruthlessly. "You need to let go. Alright? And also let go of this entire blog extravaganza."

I turned away from him, seething. I went back to my own beaker, staring despondently at the light pink tint as my mind wandered. I heard him sigh softly before he moved closer to me and spoke, "Dude, I'm not trying to be a bitch here, okay? You're just going to end up hurting yourself if you pin your hopes on him, Nic. Sometimes it's just..." I turned to look at him, surprised by the melancholic tone of his voice which now was barely above a whisper. His eyes seemed glassy for a while before he shook his head. "It may just be healthier to let go."

I didn't respond. He was right. There were times in any relationship when it was just the better albeit more difficult thing to just let go. But I had a habit of holding on to relationships till they were stale and causing more pain than joy. 

With Wilder, I thought my biggest issue was that I never really had a chance to let go. I hadn't received a closure. He had just left. 

And I still didn't know if the pain of losing someone eventually was worth the memories you create with them.

I just kept hoping that things would get better. Just kept trusting that the person I had once shared my world with somewhere remained unchanged under a facade that society forced him to create.

Cam went back to his fucked experiment and I gritted my teeth. "You need to restart," I told him as he glanced at me. "You contaminated the acid."

He stared at me for a while before shaking his head and disposing of the way too pink liquid into the sink. Maybe he was right. Maybe he wasn't. It didn't really matter. I had never had control over my own heart. I was too weak for that. But even then, somewhere deep inside me, I wished he hadn't kissed me. I wished he didn't make me hope in this way. Because I knew all of it would come crashing down.

And I didn't know if I would be able to take it.