I spent the next day looking over my shoulder the entire time and hating myself for it.

I knew the threats were most probably empty, but my stomach still clenched uneasily. Matters weren't helped by the many whispers that followed me throughout the entire day. Many times, I came close to telling Cam about the messages, but I felt like this was a personal battle of wills between me and the bullies. Matt's suspension was over, and although I hadn't seen him yet, I was sure he would be back to his old strut. 

"Man, what's kept you so angsty?" Cam asked for the hundredth time as we stood near my locker at the end of school that day. I kept craning my neck around, searching for a sign of Wilder. After our last encounter, I wasn't going to try to approach him again. I hoped that for once, he would approach me instead. For a change. But of course, I knew that wasn't going happen. 

I just wanted to see him. Even from afar. Like I always had. 

How pathetic was I?

"Nothing," I lied as I placed my biology book in my mess of a locker and shut the door. "Let's g-"

I stuttered to a stop when I saw Matt approaching me, flanked by bigger and taller people than I had ever seen in Northwood High. There seemed to be nothing different about him. No hint of remorse or even fear. 

Cam straightened up, gazing curiously at me and then at them before realization dawned on his face and his eyes darted between us nervously. 

My heart raced in trepidation and I clenched my jaw, putting on a defiant expression as they approached. I touched my arm almost unconsciously.

"Evans," Matt said, smirking. "Well, you got on your feet fast."

"Well, you came out of your suspension fast," I said, balling my fists and glaring at him even as my heart raced nervously. A dark shadow passed across his features but before he could say anything, Cam stepped in.

He grabbed my arm, glaring at Matt as he said, "Piss off, Browning." 

He started to lead me away before Matt grabbed him by the scruff of his collar and pushed him roughly against the locker. He grimaced, his face scrunching up in pain as anger flared inside me. 

"Matt, what do you want?" I asked, my voice thankfully even as I helped a seething Cam to his feet. I hoped he wouldn't try to engage them. He knew better than that. 

Matt gritted his teeth. "To show you your damn place, fag." 

Before I knew what was happening, he grabbed my t-shirt and pushed me against the locker. I was almost lifted off my feet with his sudden burst of strength. The air rushed out of my lungs as I grabbed his hands, trying to pry the iron hold away from me. His face was so close to mine that I could feel his hot breath on my mouth. 

"You've been acting a bit too over smart these days," he snarled, his eyes flashing with anger. I almost expected him to be drooling like a wild animal. For a second, I felt scared. It was pretty late and I didn't expect any teachers to be lingering around the corridors. He didn't either, which was perhaps why he was suddenly so bold. Or maybe at this point, he simply didn't care even if he got rusticated. I struggled to breathe as he growled in my face, "Feeling like a hero while sucking Collins' dick, aren't you? I know he's the fucker who complained about me. Your sissy ass would never have the guts."

Air was getting harder to come by, but I managed to glare defiantly at him. 

"Better than you," I snarled back. "Feeling like a stud while flanked by your bouncers. You're a fucking coward!"

His eyes widened in shock and he banged my head hard against the locker, making me see stars. He growled menacingly, a mere few inches from my face. I could smell his foul breath and it took all my strength to keep a straight face. 

"I swear to god, Evans. You need to learn your damn place. I don't want to have to seriously hurt you for you to know that."

He dropped me finally and I took heaving breaths of the blessed air, my face heating up in embarrassment when I became aware of the thin crowd forming around us. Immediately Cam escaped from the guy who was holding him. He pulled me roughly closer and stood in front of me, gazing up at the much larger Matt. 

"Alright. Now go, Browning. You've had your show."

I struggled to breathe, taking deep gasps as I stared at Matt's hateful features. I remembered his vile words, the way he had treated Kailey, and I knew he was the textbook description of toxic masculinity. Cam gazed at me, studying me for signs of injury as I took shuddering breaths and managed to shake my head.

He sighed, his jaw clenched as he looked at Matt, who was still glaring intently at us. To my surprise, Matt smiled malevolently, his eyes glinting as he eyed my skinny frame. 

"Well, at least you're not parabola anymore."

My vision faded for a second as my fury burst through like a wild animal. I lunged at him, shoving him hard so he toppled to the floor as I glared at him, forgetting how much stronger he was. 

"What the fuck did you say?"

There weren't many insults I couldn't take about myself, but when it came to my biggest insecurity, my body, I reached my breaking point. Him calling me 'parabola' was a sick joke for how being overweight had made me appear when I was little. Unlike any other boys in the class. My weight had been what had given me a tough time before I had gone on a downward spiral to shed all of it away. 

The taunts still made me ache. The memories still made me cry. The scars still made me bleed.

I was no longer aware of what I was doing. I was on him like a deranged animal. Spitting, hurting him, punching, kicking with everything I had. Like I was paying him back for every time he had pushed me down. Like I was paying him back for every time I had thrown up in the bathroom because I hadn't eaten for hours, afraid of what they would think. Like I was paying him back for when the entire group of people I had called my 'friends' had turned their back on me.

Every time they had hidden in corners of the school, coming out to hit me and running away only for another person to come out of another hiding place and hit me again. They had tossed me around like a rag doll. It was a game for them. They had treated me like shit. Turned around on me and broken me so badly that I was irreparable. And I remembered every single thing. 

Most of my bullies had however grown out of it. They probably didn't even remember anything. Most of them had even changed schools. But my raw wounds were now permanent scars that were rooted deeper than my skin.

Matt seemed too shocked to respond and finally, a melodiously familiar voice pulled me out of my reverie. 

"Nico, stop."

And I did.

My heart hammered painfully as I gazed down at Matt. He looked hurt, but not as much as I had hoped. Bruises were forming on his jaw, his eyes and mouth wide open. His chest heaved as he lay sprawled on the ground, too stunned to react. In spite of my insurmountable anger, my pathetic imitations of fighting hadn't done him much harm. 

I was aware of strong hands pulling me away from him and firmly make me stand upright. I swayed slowly on the spot, blood pounding in my ears so loudly it took me a while to realize Cam was saying something illegible to me. 

But it wasn't Cam's voice that had stopped me. It was Wilder's. I gazed at the scene with rising terror in my chest.

Matt sneered up at Wilder and rose to his feet. "Control your twink, Collins. Before I fucking kill him."

Wilder's eyes flashed with anger. "I wish I could come up with as clever insults as you do, Browning. My seven-year-old self would've been proud."

For a few seconds, I was sure the air had actually solidified. Matt gritted his teeth, animalistic rage burning in his irises as he took a step closer to Wilder. My blood ran cold. There was no way Matt would attack the golden boy of Northwood. Even he wasn't that stupid. Especially with his record. Nonetheless, I decided to step in front of Wilder and stop the fight before it began. He had a clean record, there was no way I was going to let him smudge it because of me. 

"I hear your mom was caught fucking a younger guy. Isn't that why you're here Collins?"

My lungs constricted painfully. That blow was way below the belt, even for someone as twisted as Browning. I was sure that Wilder would fly at him, and it would be well deserved. I balled my fists, yearning to smash his hateful face in. I took a shaky step towards him. However, Wilder took a deep breath and spoke instead, "Yes. That is why. Were you just stating facts, Matthew?"

I gazed at him, my heart fluttering desperately. He clenched his jaw, his eyes unreadable as he glared at Matt, whose face had rapidly gone from an angry red to a pale white, a myriad of emotions. The reason for Wilder's sudden transfer to Northwood was fairly well known, although no one would dare to say it to his face. Matt seemed to take in a sharp breath, at a loss for words. Wilder smirked, tilting his head slightly to the side, his voice hard, cruel. Unlike him. 

"You are clearly out of the loop with the latest gossip in town, Matthew," he shook his head and sighed dramatically. "Get up to date and we'll meet again, alright?"  

Matt gritted his teeth, seething. He gave me one last hateful look before rubbing his jaw and walking away with his cronies in tow. I was aware of the sudden crowd that had formed around us and my own sore body. I gazed at Wilder, feeling suddenly weak. 

"Wild-?" I began as he grabbed my arm with surprising roughness and started literally dragging me away from the commotion. I heard Cam calling for us but Wilder didn't pay him a single glance and led me towards the parking lot and into his car. 

I sat quietly, at a loss for words. He sat behind the steering wheel. His jaw was clenched, his eyes slightly narrowed. He looked angrier than I had ever seen them.

"Wilder-" I began, feeling suddenly ashamed of my outburst. Warm, prickling shame pooled my stomach.

"Shut up, Evans."

I shut my mouth immediately. I knew despite his apparent nonchalance, the taunt about his mother would have hurt him. It was one of his rare insecurities. And suddenly I wished he hadn't stopped me from hitting Matt.

The car picked up speed. A solid, impenetrable silence fell. I clenched my fists on my thighs, suddenly aware of the soreness in my body. We reached his apartment and he climbed out, banging the door with such anger behind him that I flinched. 

I opened the door and started following him inside, my heart racing. He remained scarily quiet before we reached his room and he shut the door behind him. He gazed at me and sighed, his eyes softening. "Are you hurt?"

I shook my head, having to exert conscious effort to breathe as my chest welled up with emotions. He sighed, as if frustrated and grabbed my hand, gently leading me to the bed and sat me down on it. He studied my face intently as I found myself breathless under his gaze.

"What the fuck got you there, Evans?"

"Nico," I said, almost pleading. "Stop calling me Evans."

He gritted his teeth, looking unimpressed. "You know what kind of a guy he is. You know he has no integrity and will bring five more guys with him. I hoped the suspension would slap some sense into him but it seems to have only aggravated him. Since when are you so flippant?"

I blinked. Sometimes his choice of words surprised me.

"He called me stuff,"  I said, my heart sinking. I had never told Wilder what had gone down before he had come into my life and the reason why I had been so closed off before him. "I...he was saying shit. And not just about me but-"

I stuttered, realizing if I wanted to tell him the entire story, I would have to tell him about the messages. 

"He is a fucking coward, Evans," he said, his voice gentle but firm. "He has zero sense. He is a pig who can and will hurt you really bad without a thought of any consequences."

I bit my lip, gazing away from him. In all honesty, I no longer cared about Matt. All I cared about was the fact that Wilder was talking to me again. I was quiet as he gently stroked my chin, his eyes intensely dark. He whispered softly, "I don't want to see you hurt again, Nico. Will you please, use your brains and try to lie a little low and not be such a damn tiny fireball all the time?"

I gazed away from feeling my cheeks heat up. "You know I can't tell if you're scolding me or complimenting me."

He sighed, raking a hand through his hair, looking half amused and half exasperated. "Both. I'm just saying...don't get in with the likes of him, alright? He's...he's trouble. Just remember  that."

I gazed at him and nodded, trying to calm my racing heart. After days of freezing me out, I had found him when I needed him. He was here now. I was still confused, but I was going to try and get the answers, tonight. For the last time. 

I studied him silently, marvelling at his defined jaw, his eyes with their unfathomable depth. I knew there was a possibility that he would very likely freeze me out again.

"Just...stay out of trouble, Evans," he said and started to get up. It was now or never.

I moved closer to him, fixing my gaze on him and kissed him, softly. My senses stood electrified at the tender contact between our lips. I whispered against his mouth, pleading, "Why are freezing me out, Wilder? Did I do something?"

He softened for a moment as if almost on the verge of breaking. He bit his lip, his eyes flitting to my lips and back. He sighed, leaning back. "Nothing, Evans. You're overthinking."

I grabbed his shoulders and moved even closer to him. He stared at me, bewildered at my sudden boldness as I straddled him in his lap and looked into his eyes, my stomach knotting nervously. "You know I'm not, Wilder. Was it something I did? What are you so afraid of?"

He gazed up at me, his eyes were soft. He didn't hold me like I wanted to, and I felt my heart freezing as he shook his head. "It's...it's nothing, Nico. Please-"

I kissed him again. Coaxing his mouth open as he finally kissed me back. My heart revelled in pleasure and I let my tongue trace his bottom lip. I dipped my tongue into his mouth, intoxicated by his seductive taste as my heart fluttered.

I knew technically he was still with Kendra, but I couldn't understand why. We were comfortable, compatible, he had been my best friend I had ever had. We knew each other inside out. It didn't make sense to me that he would kiss me and still refuse to have anything to do with me.

"Nico," he whispered as I traced my mouth along his jaw and to his ear, nibbling gently. His hands gripped my waist and I gasped breathlessly in his ear. I sat, stunned when he gently lifted me and pushed me away, leaning back to look at me. "Nico," he whispered again, shuddering slightly as if fighting some internal battle. "Just...let it go. Alright? It's the best. For...both of us."

I gaped at him, my stomach filling with lead. He rose to his feet and walked over to the door, turning back to look at me. "I...I have practice."

He left the room without another word. I got to my feet, my heart spiralling into my stomach and followed after him, shocked and confused. What had he meant? Was there some deep meaning behind his actions that I wasn't aware of? If so, why wouldn't he just tell me?

The car ride back home was solid and uncomfortable. I felt suddenly naked of the way I had laid myself bare in front of Wilder. I kept glancing at him from the corner of my eyes, trying to think of anything that I had done that may have offended him. That was when realization dawned over me.

I was chasing after the stars while I lay buried in the soil.

He was handsome, kind, smart, popular, talented. We wouldn't look good together. My heart broke at the revelation, a bitter taste in my throat. He was Wilder Collins, the human embodiment of perfection. I was just me. 

And that wasn't good enough.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe it's presumptuous of me, however I feel like everyone has been in a situation where they feel like their 'crush' or even 'loved one' is way out of their league. Have you ever been in this situation?

Why do we masochistically hold on? Why, even after everything our hearts refuse to let go?

Quoting Perks Of Being a Wallflower here: "We accept the love we think we deserve."