Chapter 8 - "Kiss me back."

On the Sunday, I gave Nathan a tour of the university campus and grounds. He was heading back to his own flat later on in the evening and we'd decided to just have a chilled day together.

"I was thinking," Nathan said as we strolled back to my flat. "I might see if I can get the Friday afternoon off work. Then I could come and pick you up rather than you having to get dropped off at my work."

"I don't mind getting dropped off at your work," I replied. "I'm interested to see it all."

"Wouldn't you rather have more time together?"

"Well yeah, of course," I admitted. "But I'm just saying that if it's not possible for you to book the afternoon off then I don't have a problem with meeting you there."

He took hold of my hand in his and squeezed it tightly. "Let's see how much work I get done first, eh?"

"I hope you're not a slacker."

He laughed. "I don't know the meaning of the word."

"I'm sure there are lots of words you don't know the meaning of."

"Selective comprehension. That's what it is, Bella."

"Mm, I can imagine. You can be pretty selective with a lot of things."

Nathan chuckled. "You betcha."

"What do you want for dinner tonight?" I asked him, steering the conversation back towards a neutral topic.

"Well, I owe you three slices of pizza," he reminded me. "Wanna get Pizza Hut?"

"We had Pizza Hut on Friday."

"Domino's, then. I'm not fussy."

I rolled my eyes. "So much for a balanced diet."

"Shall we save the pizza for next weekend then, Little Miss Healthy?" He sighed in exasperation, smirking down at me. "I'm only trying to make life easier."

"No, it's fine, we can have pizza..."

"No. I don't want pizza anymore."

"Nathan. Stop being difficult."

"Do you find it difficult?" he asked me. "You know, cooking for yourself all the time?"

"You mean rather than you cooking for me?" I smirked, glancing up at him as we walked along.

"Not necessarily just me. I mean, at home your parents always cook for you, and even though you'll do the odd meal yourself, you're now having to plan three meals a day."

"Well, it's effort," I agreed. "But I'm getting into a routine now. It's all lifetime skills, isn't it?"

"Yeah. When we're married you'll be the perfect housewife."

My stomach did a somersault upon hearing Nathan mention marriage in such a casual way, as though it was something that was definitely going to happen, without question.

"Oh yeah?" I asked, trying to keep my tone casual.

"Oh yeah," he confirmed, grinning down at me.

"You certainly make a lot of assumptions about things," I told him, still trying to hide my smile.

"They're not assumptions. An assumption would suggest that it's not certain."

"Stop kidding around, Nathan." I turned my face to hide my smile.

"Kidding around?" He clutched his spare hand to his heart. "You mean you think I'm joking?"

"I know you're joking."

"Guess I'll have to return the engagement ring then..." he murmured, grimacing. "Awkward..."

"Shut up!" I laughed, nudging him hard.

Nathan let go of my hand and swung his arm around my shoulder instead, pulling me closer against his body as we continued our walk down the street. My own arm wound around his waist, gripping the back of his shirt.

We made it back to my flat just as thunder was starting to rumble and the sky was becoming black.

"Just in time," Nathan said, shivering as we made our way up the stairs and the rain began to hammer down, bouncing violently off the concrete outside.

"Will you be okay driving home in this?" I asked him.

"I'll be fine. It will have probably calmed down by then."

We entered the flat to shouts coming from Jack's room. I didn't even need to go in there to know what was going on. Nathan, however, stuck his head around the door curiously.

"Nath!" Jack grinned, pausing FIFA. "You up for a game?"

"Sure," Nathan answered casually, heading in and sitting down beside Phil. "So long as you don't mind getting your arse kicked."

"Bring it on, Big Guy."

I cleared my throat, and all three boys twisted to look at me, as if noticing me for the first time.

"Oh sorry, Izzy," Jack said. "That was inconsiderate of me. Would you like to play too?"

My frown deepened. "I'd rather play with my boyfriend."

Jack smirked and winked. "Of course you would."

Phil snickered and even Nathan was struggling to hide his smile. I remained passive, used to this kind of banter from Jack.

"Try not to wear him out too much," I said. "I'd like him to have at least an ounce of energy afterwards."

"Come on now, Izzy." Jack grinned. "Be a modern woman. You shouldn't expect men to do all the hard work...let Nathan play his game of FIFA and then you can give him a session he'll remember forever, okay?"

A blush rose to my cheeks, even though I'd been the one to initiate the suggestive conversation.

"Yes, come on now, Bella," Nathan said, never one to resist making me squirm. "Learn to share, okay?"

"There you go," Jack told me. "I told you that university teaches you a whole manner of things, not just academic."

I was outnumbered in this particular battle of wits, and I wasn't going to put myself through more unnecessary embarrassment. So, reluctantly, I left them to their game of FIFA and went to sort out what I needed for my classes tomorrow. One game of FIFA swiftly turned into three games of FIFA and I ended up taking a shower just to drown out their yells.

It was as I was cooking dinner, a chicken curry, that my dear boyfriend blessed me with his company.

"Mmm, smells great," he said, strolling into the kitchen.

"Nice of you to join me," I said, stirring the sauce into the chicken.

"Now, now, Bella." He pinched my waist with a playful smirk. "Don't be bitter."

"The only thing I'm bitter about is the fact that I can't make you yell 'OH YES' at the top of your lungs," I replied, smiling sweetly. "Yet FIFA can."

His mouth twisted into a huge grin. "No such word as 'can't', Bella. I'm sure you'll achieve it at some point."

"Screw you."

"We can barely have a conversation these days without you going on about how much you wanna screw me. I'm more than just a body for you to use at your disposal."

I didn't rise to the bait and bent down to get the plates out of my cupboard. Nathan watched with eager eyes as I dished up the dinner and thanked me when I placed his meal down in front of him, seeming sincere for the first time since we'd got back to the flat.

"In all seriousness, I'm glad you're bonding with my flatmates," I told him.

"Jack's great," Nathan said. "Phil's a bit quiet but he seems alright."

"Phil's only just starting to come out of his shell."

"I'm sure he came out of his shell when he had that one-night stand in Fresher's..." Nathan said, raising an eyebrow in amusement before placing a piece of chicken in his mouth and chewing enthusiastically.

"Nathan!" I hissed, glancing at the kitchen door. "I don't want them to know I talk about them."

He swallowed and laughed. "Bella, of course you're gonna talk about them. Do you think they don't talk about you to their friends?"

I frowned, suddenly concerned about what they'd say. "I hope not..."

"Why not? It's not like they'll have anything bad to say. They probably just go on about how hot your boyfriend is..."

"Yeah, you wish."

"Are you saying I'm not hot?" He feigned offence.

I shrugged with one shoulder. "You're alright, I guess."

"Bella, if your delicious meal wasn't keeping me pinned to my seat, then I'd be right over to your side of the table to call your bluff."

"Wow. Now I'm offended that my meal is more enticing than me."

He laughed. "How are you offended? I'm complimenting your meal...it's not like Jack or someone else has cooked it. This is your hard effort, Bella, and it's fucking delicious."

"If Jack had cooked this then I'd have advised you not to eat it. I'm not sure he knows how to cook chicken properly yet..."

Nathan grinned. "I trust you not to give me food poisoning."

Our playful chatter continued over dinner but as the night drew on, I began to dread Nathan leaving. The weekend had been so nice, and although I was relishing being physically near to Nathan again, in a way it almost felt like he'd never been gone. I knew that as soon as he left, I'd be counting down the days until I saw him again.

Did he feel the same? From how often he declared his love to me, and how often he actually proved how much I meant to him, it seemed like a silly question. But this whole weekend I'd been the one trying to make the most of everything whereas Nathan was treating it like any old weekend.

When the dreaded moment arrived, I half-expected Nathan to make some kind of joke to avoid any overly sad departures. But as he finished packing away his stuff and had surveyed the room for anything else that he'd brought, he kicked my door shut, immediately capturing my attention.

"I want a bit of privacy."

"Okay..." I said slowly, regarding him with curiosity. "Is something wrong?"

He took hold of my hands and pulled me up from the bed. "The only thing that's wrong," he said slowly, running his hands down my body until they came to rest on my hips. "The only thing that's wrong is that I'm not gonna be near you for the next five days."

Then he drew me into the heat of his body, holding my hips against his own, and lowered his mouth to mine. Slightly caught off-guard by the sudden intensity, my lips were almost cautious as I moved them against Nathan's, and when his tongue slid into my mouth, my knees almost buckled beneath me.

"Kiss me back," he whispered. "I need to taste you one last time before I go."

And those words ignited something within me. All my pent-up sexual frustration from the weekend surged to the surface. My hands rushed up to his broad shoulders, my fingertips digging into his muscles as he pressed his chest harder against mine, forcing me back into the wall.

Without realising I was doing it, my right leg lifted up and hooked around Nathan's waist, and he instantly ground into the new space between my thighs, the hard bulge in his jeans hitting just the right spot to draw a gasp from me. Usually he'd smile at the reaction, but instead his kissing became more frantic, his tongue completely dominating mine to the extent that I could barely keep up.

His hands slid down to my backside, squeezing, pulling me further up against him. I clung to his shoulders as I rocked back and forth over his erection between my legs. It wasn't enough, but it eased the ache.

Our mouths broke apart for air, lips still brushing, ragged breaths passing between us. Nathan's hands slid back to my hips and my leg dropped to the ground, my right foot meeting the carpet again.

Then he gave me a soft peck on the lips before taking a step backwards and running a hand through his hair, his eyes travelling across the room to gaze out of the window. Troubled.

"What's wrong?" I asked, but my voice came out hushed and husky. My heart was thumping against my chest.

"Nothing at all, Bella." He smiled gently, looking back down at me. "I was just remembering the time, that's all. I got a bit carried away."

"Nothing wrong with getting carried away," I said softly, but my voice sounded uncertain and nervous. Something seemed off with him.

"I know. But not when I'm pushed for time. I really should be getting back."

"Right. Sorry."

It wasn't awkward between us but I could tell there was something else going on. Nathan had been turning me down all weekend, and the second he goes to leave, things heat up.

Maybe I was overthinking it; I did have a nasty habit of reading into things too much. Instead of bringing it up, I was going to go with it and take things easy for a change. After all, Nathan had already reminded me that this would be harder if we didn't relax.

"You're wonderful," he whispered, stroking my cheek with a fond smile. "I'm really lucky."

His tender words left me feeling more confused than ever after our intensely sexual kissing against the wall.

"Right back at you." I smiled back.

He leant to give me a single chaste kiss, so soft that our lips barely brushed, before he picked up his bag and swung it over his shoulder.

"I'll see you on Friday?"

I nodded. "Let me know what time."

"I will. First thing tomorrow morning," he assured me. "Please don't see me out. I'll find saying goodbye even harder then." Something flashed in his eyes, almost like uncertainty, but it was gone as quickly as I'd noticed it.

"Okay," I said quietly.

"This has been great." He ran a hand gently through my hair before giving me one more, reassuring smile and heading out.

I briefly heard him call out to Jack, then the flat door slammed shut. Gone. He was gone again. My head was all over the show. The familiar feeling of loneliness and incompletion washed over me like it always did when Nathan left. Even before we'd started dating, I always felt strange when he left me. It was as if life was boring again.

Shutting my door for more privacy, I knew I couldn't sit here and feel sorry for myself. Plus I really needed to talk things through with a friend.

Jess answered my Skype call after only two rings. She grinned upon seeing my face and waved excitedly.

"Hey! It's nice to see you! How was your weekend with Nathan?"

I paused before answering. "It was good. But also bizarre."

She cocked her head to the side in curiosity. "Bizarre in what way?"

"The way he was acting," I said. "He was a bit up and down."

"Sad? I haven't seen Nath sad since..." She faded away, as if she was about say something that I wasn't meant to know. "Why was he sad?"

Her face remained neutral and curious but I was now distracted. "What were you going to say?" I asked. "You haven't seen Nathan sad since when...?"

"Nothing," she replied lightly. "I can't even remember when I last saw him sad..."

I let it drop because right this second my mind was full of other matters. "No, not sad. I meant, like...on Friday night we went out and I got really drunk and I tried to sleep with him."

She giggled at that. "Yeah, like you need alcohol to heighten your sex drive..." I scowled and she promptly stopped giggling. "Sorry. Carry on."

"And he turned me down which was fair enough because I was pretty wasted. But then the next morning, we were kissing and it was just about to go somewhere and he backed off again. He just made a joke and ruined the moment."

"So he's been rejecting you all weekend?"

"Not exactly rejecting me...but just not letting things go further. But then tonight, just before he left, we had a really intense making out session against the wall...it got pretty steamy, basically sex with clothes on, and then he pulled away suddenly and looked really troubled."

Jess waited until I'd finished and then gave me her verdict. "Sounds like he wants you pretty bad but he's stopping himself. And this evening he finally cracked, gave in and did what he wanted to do, but then remembered the reason why he's been stopping himself."

"Well yeah...but what's the reason? Nathan never usually turns me down. We had quite an active sex life back at home..."

"How active is quite active?" she asked.

"Erm...maybe a few times a week..."

"Not every day then?"

"The point is," I continued, "I thought we'd have sex this weekend. I'm not sulking because we didn't. I'm just confused. I thought he'd want to. It's been two weeks, Jess! We've not had sex since the night before moving in. And he was pretty up for it then..."

"I'm sure he does want to. It won't be anything to do with you. It'll be to do with the change."

"I know I need to relax and not obsess over it. But I want to make our weekends together count...and that's nothing to do with how much we sleep together...it's to do with things changing."

"Because things are changing, Izzy," Jess said softly. "I'm sure the issue is that Nathan doesn't want to slip into a relationship where all you do is have sex when you're together. You're not gonna be talking and confiding and enjoying each other's company...you'll just be having sex. He's probably trying to ease into this gently. That's my theory anyway."

She had a point. Maybe Nathan didn't want our entire relationship to be based on sex and the desire to have sex. We needed to get used to not being able to sleep together whenever we wanted.

"Perhaps you're right," I murmured. "But it's not like sex played a huge part in our relationship before. I guess I just thought Nathan would want it too after a week of not seeing me."

Her lips tipped into a sympathetic smile. "It'll work out. You two are so intense without even realizing it. Your feelings are so strong that you just need to take it easy to begin with. You need to get used to not being around each other. He loves you so much, Izzy. So, so much."

My eyes burned, and I immediately propped my elbows on the desk and shoved the heels of my hands into them to stop the tears leaking.

"Oh, Izzy..." Jess said softly. "Please don't cry...you'll be absolutely fine. I know this isn't to do with the sex. This is to do with you worrying."

"I hate how much I'm worrying," I admitted. "I know I can trust him. And I feel awful that it comes across as me not trusting our relationship. But he's like my other half...I feel like I'm incomplete when he's not here... Urgh, that sounds so corny."

"I know what you mean. You're used to him being around and making you feel alive...that is, after all, what brought you and him closer as friends. You're bound to miss him. I miss Alex tons. But this is only gonna make you stronger. Believe me. You're not even far away."

"I know. It's not the distance," I said, wiping my eyes. "It's the time spent apart. I know I could quite easily go and see him whenever I wanted...but that's not the point. That won't make it easier."

She was quiet while I sorted out my tears and wiped away my running mascara.

"It might," she said eventually. "If you make a habit of it, then obviously that won't help. But if you're really struggling one day, just hop on the tube and go see him. It'll reassure you that he's not unreachable."

"I'm seeing him on Friday," I said. "I'll just keep myself busy this week."

She smiled. "Good idea. Keep your mind occupied. This week will fly by."

I was about to respond when my phone buzzed from by bedside table. Reaching across to pick it up, I saw a message from Nathan.

Nathan: Miss you already.

That's all it said but it warmed up my heart.

"Who's it from?" Jess asked. "Nathan?"

"Yeah," I answered. "He says he misses me."

Jess grinned. "See! Why do you think you're the only one struggling?"

"Because he never gives anything away. Most of the time he seems perfectly fine with it. And then there are just little things that remind me that he's struggling too, like what happened just before he left."

"Izzy, he's trying to be strong," Jess told me. "He's trying to be strong for your benefit, to reassure you. Everything that boy does is for you."

"And you wonder why I'm terrified to lose it?" I asked sadly, still staring down at the three-worded text message.

"You're not gonna lose it," she said. "This is the point."

"He really is the best thing that's ever happened to me," I told her, putting my phone aside.

"And you deserve it. Chin up, yeah? University is exciting! Nathan used to be the one to inject fun into your life and now you've got this too. It's all about balance."

I smiled. "Yeah. I guess it is."

Balance. She was right. Nathan and I needed to strike a balance. I was only just figuring this out, but I had a feeling that Nathan had realized it a long time ago. Like everything in our relationship, he always did what was best for me. So now I was going to make the effort too. Nathan was calling the shots here and I was going to damn well help him.

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