Chapter 32 - "Everybody has a selfish streak."

[[Contains sexual content]]

"I think we need to talk," Nathan said.

"About what?" I feigned ignorance.

We'd stayed a little longer, but Nathan had noticed my shift in mood and suggested we head back early. Once alone in the flat, in my room, he'd wasted no time in bringing it up.

"Are you upset about Hayley and Jack?" he asked me.

"Maybe a little," I admitted, sitting down on my bed to take off my heels. "Jack and I are supposed to be close. He said it was a mistake, promised he'd never do it again... then he does so at the next possible opportunity. I just don't get it. Like, is he actually into her but he's scared to tell me?"

Nathan unbuttoned his cuffs. "I don't think so. Everybody has a selfish streak. Even the best people, every now and then, do something selfish, because it makes them feel good."

He let me digest that. Had I done selfish things in the past? Of course I had. Nathan was right.

"I understand," I said quietly. "I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But it still hurts."

"I know, Bella," he murmured, winding his arm around my waist. I sighed and rested my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes. "But you can't interfere. You have to let him get on with it and get it out of his system. It's Hayley, so it's bound to crash and burn at some point. If you interfere then you'll just drive a bigger wedge between you and Jack. You have to let him be the one to make the decisions."

"Yeah," I conceded. "I suppose so."

"And I know it seems like he went out and got with her at the next possible opportunity, after promising you he wouldn't, but look at it from another angle. You and him make up, you go on this big night out that you've been planning for weeks, but then you spend the whole evening with me. You weren't really spending much time with Jack and so maybe that upset him a bit."

"I guess alcohol makes people do stupid things," I mused. "And it brings out a selfish streak, like you said..."

I sighed to myself and thought back to when I'd exercised my own selfish streak. It was at a party and Matt had been there. I knew Nathan liked me and I'd used him to get back at Matt. That was really selfish. Sure, we'd ended up together eventually, but not before I'd played on his feelings and effectively taken advantage of him. A real selfish streak...

"You know what? You're absolutely right," I said eventually.

"I usually am." He pinched my waist. "Things will cool down over Christmas and by the New Year everyone will be ready to start afresh."

I leaned to give him a soft kiss on the lips. "And hopefully it'll be another good year for us."

He tangled his hand affectionately in my hair. "Yeah, who knows what the New Year will bring for us?"

I tilted my head to the side to regard him curiously. "What do you mean by that?"

Nathan simply smiled and shrugged. "We'll see."

I didn't push it, because there was no point. If he wanted to elaborate then he would, and if he didn't then he wouldn't. And besides, he might not have even meant anything by it.

"Shall we get some sleep?" I suggested instead. "I'm hoping the others aren't going to make too much noise when they get back."

As Nathan and I undressed and brushed our teeth, I thought back to his comment. I wondered what this next year would bring for us. Would we pass any milestones in our relationship? Would we have any more serious arguments? Where would we be a year from now? Would Nathan still have the same position in his company, or even the same job?

"What's up?" Nathan asked as he slid into bed next to me and held out his arm for me to snuggle closer.

"I was just thinking about this time next year," I replied. "You'll be two years into work, and I'll be two years into university, with another two still to complete."

"What about it?"

"It's just frustrating." I sighed. "I feel like you're building a life for yourself, and I'm still stuck in the middle of education."

"Firstly, I'm not building a life for myself. I'm building a life for us."

"But what am I contributing to that? Drunken nights out at university?"

"Well, I enjoy them! I wouldn't get them otherwise."

"I'm being serious, Nathan."

He kissed my forehead and stroked my shoulder with his thumb. "You're going to come out with a brilliant degree. Employers are desperate for people with language skills, and you'll be indispensable. You'll have no problem getting a job and you're probably going to end up earning more than me."

"That seems a long way off yet."

"Just think of how quickly this past year has flown by. You should enjoy university whilst you have the chance, Bella. You're good at this degree and I'd hate it to go to waste."

"Don't worry, I'm not planning on giving up just yet..."

Nathan kissed my forehead again. "Good. Because I wouldn't let you give up."

We cuddled in silence for a few more minutes, each with our own thoughts. I'd never seriously considered giving up university; I was only a few months in after all, and it would be a silly decision, spurred only by my impatience to start a life with Nathan. It would probably end up being a decision I'd regret later on in life.

"You want to know something ironic?" Nathan asked quietly, disturbing my thoughts.

"Go on..."

"Every time I turn you on and leave you hanging to heighten the anticipation for sex, we never actually end up having sex."

I laughed out loud. "Maybe you should learn something from that. I did warn you, though. I'm an in-the-moment kind of girl. You should have cut your losses and fucked me right there and then."

Nathan rolled onto his side and pulled me into the spooning position, wrapping his arms around me. I closed my eyes in blissful content. I never felt safer than when I was in his arms.

"Hearing you talk like that still amuses me sometimes," he said.

"Why?"

"I'm just still not used to it. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I love seeing a different side to you and I especially love that you trust me enough to let me see it."

I smiled, even though he couldn't see. "I trust you more than anyone," I whispered.

He pressed his mouth to my cheek and gave me a long, soft peck. "I trust you more than anyone, too, Bella. It still scares me sometimes."

"You don't have to be scared," I replied. "I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere."

"Good," he whispered. "Because I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Me neither," I murmured quietly, pulling his arms even tighter around my body. Trapped inside my little cocoon of Nathan, I slowly drifted off to sleep, dreaming happy dreams about our future together.

*

I could only assume that everyone else came back at different times, because when I woke up the next morning, I hadn't heard any of them.

My talk last night with Nathan had helped me to put things into perspective. From now on, I wasn't going to interfere with Jack's actions, no matter how misguided they were. Christmas would be a welcome break for me — not to mention an actual proper holiday — and I knew I'd feel even better about things when I returned in January.

Nathan slept silently beside me, but when I cuddled up into his side, he stirred and his arm wrapped instinctively around me. Light streamed through the crack in my curtains, so I assumed it was mid-morning.

As Nathan gradually gained consciousness, I slid my hand under the covers until I reached his boxers, then slipped my fingers inside the fabric and curled them around his semi.

"Bella..."

As I applied my lips to his neck, making my touch firmer and firmer, Nathan flexed his hips in time with my strokes. Then, with a surprising level of alertness, he flipped me onto my back and moved his hand inside my pyjama bottoms at the same time.

My breath caught in my throat at the sudden switch of control, but I made no effort to move. Nathan lowered his mouth slowly to mine, his lips teasing my own with gentle, sweet kisses. I tried to concentrate on the kiss but his fingers were a great distraction, slowly rubbing me, sliding down every so often to heighten the teasing.

My hips writhed as tension built between my legs; I needed a release but knew that Nathan was in total control of that. He'd learnt to read my body like a book, and he knew exactly what he had to do to send me wild.

There was something about being intimate with him that got me caught in a little bubble. When kissing him, or doing anything intimate, everything else in the world ceased to exist. All my worries disappeared, and all my thoughts revolved around him, what his hands were doing and what his mouth was doing. It was definitely addiction-material, but I'd become addicted to Nathan a long time ago.

His tongue slid into my mouth, coaxing my own, and I let out a blissful sigh. His lips formed into the shape of a smile at my reaction, but his tongue didn't slow, gradually getting stronger and stronger whilst his hands pulled down my pyjamas.

To say Nathan was unpredictable would be an understatement; he was constantly surprising me in all aspects of our relationship, and as he pushed into me with no warning at all, this was another one of those times. I gasped in surprise. Nine times out of ten, he would ask if I was ready or how I wanted to start—me on top or him on top. For the other ten per cent of the time, I would be expecting it, because of the natural progression of foreplay.

This time, however, it came as a complete shock. As he slammed into me, he let out a groan of satisfied pleasure, as if he'd just had a craving satiated. My whole body trembled at the sudden invasion; the lack of foreplay had meant that I wasn't as ready as I normally was, and it verged on uncomfortable. Surprisingly, however, it was a good kind of uncomfortable, a sensation of rawness and primal instinct.

It turned out that I hadn't been far off. As Nathan buried his head in my shoulder and choked out a small laugh, I realised what had happened.

"Sorry." He smiled sheepishly, pulling out. "I guess that's my selfish streak coming to the surface..."

We had a good giggle about it, and that was one of the things that made our sex life so great. We might be starting to explore sex more, but we still managed to laugh together in bed, showing that we were still entirely comfortable around one another.

"I should have known you meant business when you didn't even bother taking my top off," I teased him after we'd showered together in the ensuite.

"Well maybe you shouldn't be so alluring then," he shot back, drying himself off with a towel. "And maybe you shouldn't use such dirty tactics to wake me up in the mornings, when I'm at my most vulnerable."

I smacked him playfully around the head with my towel and he retaliated by wrestling me down onto the bed. After we'd controlled our laughter, we simply lay together, gazing into each other's eyes.

"I love you," he murmured, kissing my lips softly.

I smiled. No matter how many times we said it, those three words still felt just as special as the first time.

"I love you too."

"Shall we start packing?" he suggested. "Because as much as I'd love to stare into your eyes all day, your suitcase isn't going to pack itself."

I wasn't naïve enough to believe Italy would be hot over Christmas, but Nathan had a much better idea of the climate that me, so his assistance in packing was very useful.

"So, have you all discussed what you're doing for a house next year?" Nathan asked as I crammed underwear into the zipped lid.

It was a touchy subject that had caused many arguments. All six of us were planning on living together — we didn't have any course friends who we knew well enough to shack up with — but nobody could agree on when it was best to start searching.

"We're all planning on living together," I told him. "Nobody really wants to stray away from the flat...unfortunately."

"When are you going to start looking?"

"Hayley and Gemma have been desperate to start. They're panicking and worrying that all the good houses will start to go because a lot of people sort out their accommodation before Christmas. But the boys are more laid back and keep saying that more houses come on the market after Christmas when current second-year students have decided if they're staying in the same house or moving."

"And what are your thoughts?"

I shrugged and concentrated on neatly folding a dress that I could potentially wear if Nathan treated me to dinner one night, which I suspected he would.

"I'm staying out of it. At the end of the day, I'm just going to be using it for eating, sleeping and studying. During the weekends, I'll probably be with you."

Nathan nodded but didn't say anything for a while. We both concentrated on packing my suitcase, and then rearranging things so that presents wouldn't get squashed or broken.

"So, I've been thinking," he suddenly said, as we unzipped the expander.

"Mm?"

"I've been thinking this for a while, but then what we were talking about last night made me think that I should probably bring it up soon."

"Which part last night?" I asked when he paused again.

"About building a life together."

I nodded. "Okay. Spit it out."

"Do you want to move in with me? Next year," he quickly added. "I know we've not really discussed it properly, but we knew it was going to happen at some point, and it makes sense, doesn't it? You don't really want to live with Hayley and Gemma...you'd only really be leaving Jack. And you could still see him whenever you wanted—"

"Nathan," I laughed, interrupting him. "Stop babbling. I would love to move in with you."

His eyes lit up and relief flooded his face. "I just thought, I don't know... You're still at university and accommodation in London can be quite expensive."

"We'll work something out," I said. "We'd only need a one-bedroom flat, and it doesn't have to be in central London, as long as it has transport links."

He nodded and opened his arms to welcome me into an embrace. I rested my head on his chest, closing my eyes. This was exciting. It was really exciting.

"One more thing," he said, pulling out of the hug and holding me at arm's length so we could look at each other. "I think we should properly investigate this over Christmas. I don't want you telling the others you won't be living with them, only to then realise that, realistically, you and I can't afford to live together. We'll look into it, work out the finances, and then if we decide it could work, you can then tell the others. Okay?"

I nodded. "Absolutely."

My heart sank slightly at the possibility that it might not work. I suppose it depended entirely on compromise. A more expensive place that was an easier commute for us both? Or something cheaper that took us an hour to get to our respective destinations?

"And obviously you'll be abroad in your third year," Nathan reminded me. "So that's something else to think about."

"In what way?"

"Well, going from living together to living in different countries is going to be quite a shock," he said softly. "It could strengthen us and make things easier, or it could intensify us and make things harder. Plus, obviously, any flat that we do find for next year could only have an annual contract, because we'd be moving out for your third year."

I nodded. "Yeah. I understand all that. But now that we've brought it up, we can discuss it all and work out the best plan of action."

He agreed, and packing recommenced; however now I had a big smile on my face at the thought of my future with Nathan taking off sooner than I'd predicted.

*

By one o'clock, we were ready to leave. The plan was to head to Nathan's flat for the night and then to Gatwick Airport the following day. My parents would meet us there.

After double- and triple-checking my room for anything I might have left behind, I locked my door and we headed down the corridor, suitcase in tow. Just as we went to leave the flat, Jack's door opened and Jack stuck his head through the gap. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair a complete mess. I couldn't see his whole body, but I'd have guessed that he was still wearing the same clothes as last night.

"I thought I heard you," he said, his voice croaky. "I just want to say bye."

I forced images from last night out of my head. Jack's decision, don't interfere. So, instead, I smiled.

"Thanks," I replied. "Have a nice Christmas. I'll see you in the New Year."

He nodded. "You too. Have a good time in Italy."

Nathan and I didn't really say anything as we left the building. And when we got in the car, neither of us mentioned Jack.

In the mirror of our morning, we spent the afternoon packing Nathan's case. I slipped a specific aftershave into his toilet bag when he wasn't looking. There was one that provoked strong memories every time he wore it. It was Paco Rabanne, and he used to wear it to school all the time. Needless to say, whenever I smelt it these days, it catapulted me right back to those days when Nathan was desperately trying to win me over. It seemed appropriate to pack, given that we were potentially embarking on another new chapter.

What would my year abroad be like? Would I get homesick? Would I miss Nathan an unbearable amount? Would I be able to cope by myself in a foreign country? It was still over a year away yet, but Nathan and I were beginning to think about the future together, and this was a part of the future that I couldn't shy away from.

It would take ultimate trust from both of us. And that got me thinking: had I ever given Nathan a reason not to trust me? I'd become paranoid over the Louisa thing, and then he'd done everything he could to reassure me that there was nothing going on. And me? Had it ever occurred to me that Nathan could be worried too?

"Can I ask you something?" I said to him.

He turned his gaze away from the TV screen, which was capturing more of his attention than the packing, and angled his body towards me. "Sure, what's up?"

"This whole Jack issue I had...it didn't cross your mind that I was, you know, jealous?"

He frowned. "In what way?"

"I don't have feelings for Jack."

Nathan let out a small laugh. "I know, Bella. I didn't think you did."

"It's just that...I know I got very jealous over the whole Louisa thing...but it never crossed my mind that, with all my distress over Hayley and Jack, you might assume it was because I liked him."

"Okay, firstly, you had a good reason to be jealous over the Louisa thing because she's an ex who I've previously been involved with. And secondly, I trust you, and I know how you feel about me. I know you used to have these insecurities about not being able to express how you feel, but I can assure you that I never assumed you had feelings for Jack."

"Good," I said. "Because I don't. I was just thinking about my year abroad and how much trust that's going to take..."

"I trust you," he assured me, taking my hands and squeezing them to emphasise his point. "I promise. This is just the beginning of us, okay? And trust me, it's the beginning of a very long future." 

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