Chapter 24 - "All my boyfriends cheat on me."

"Sorry?" I repeated, but my voice came out as a squeak, barely audible due to how dry my throat suddenly was. 

My heart thudded so loudly that I was pretty sure half the office would be able to hear it, and my right hand continued to grip the coffee that I'd bought for Nathan, a little gesture meant as a surprise to brighten his day.

"Bella," he murmured, stepping towards me slowly. "I can explain everything..."

Louisa suddenly spoke up, but her voice was quiet and reserved. "Explain?" she said, repeating his words in the same way that I had. She opened her mouth as if to say something else, but then shut it again; instead, she stood up and straightened her dress. "You know what? I'm going to leave you two to talk it over, because obviously the fact you've not been honest with your long-term girlfriend is much more serious than the fact you've not been honest with some random girl you knew vaguely at school, right?"

"Louisa, don't be like that," Nathan said, but there was no passion behind his words. His eyes were remaining on me, as if he was trying to read my mind.

"No," she said firmly. "I'm your friend and I've dealt with your bullshit for many years. But I am not bailing you out of this one. Lying to me is one thing, but this girl has put all her trust in you," Louisa snapped, gesturing at me. "And all it took was honesty on your part. So maybe once you've put the record straight, you can then explain to me why you're so fucking ashamed of what we had."

And then she left the office, managing to maintain her dignity by shutting the door calmly after herself.

"What's going on?" I asked him. "I'm so confused."

"Sit down." He gestured to the chair opposite Louisa's desk.

"No. Don't tell me what to do." I tossed the coffee cup into the bin. I didn't even care that some of the liquid splashed over the sides, staining the beige carpet.

"Bella..." His nervous gaze stumbled over my face as he fiddled with the end of his tie.

"I thought I'd had the last of this bullshit when I finished with Matt. I don't know what Louisa's game is but she's right. I did trust you, Nathan. After everything I went through, I trusted you. You helped me through all that trauma with Matt. You saw how it affected me. And yet—"

"Bella, please calm down—"

"No! Why should I calm down? Is that why you hired her? Because you used to have such a good time together back in the day?"

"No, I didn't lie about that. I hired her because I knew she'd be good at her job. Please, Bella, let's go somewhere quiet where we can talk about this properly."

"I don't want to talk to you right now."

Hurt had started to replace my anger, and I didn't want to get upset in front of him.

"Bella, please..."

And in one swift movement, he'd stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around me. The sudden movement took me by surprise and the fact my body wasn't prepared for his immediate embrace meant that for the tiniest second, it comforted me. His cologne, the hard ridges of his muscles, his warm hands on my waist...all so familiar, and all associated with trust and comfort.

I pushed him away.

"Don't touch me. I feel like a fucking mug!"

"A mug? Bella—"

"I came here to surprise you! I brought you coffee and I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but to come here with the intention of being romantic, just to find out that you've been sleeping with your assistant—!"

"Sleeping?" he interrupted, his eyes widening. "Bella, I've not touched her! Please don't tell me that's what you're assuming?"

"It's the obvious thing to assume, isn't it?" I snapped. "All my boyfriends cheat on me."

"Bella, please..."

I made the mistake of meeting his gaze. Fear. Desperation. Panic. The concoction of emotions floated through his watery eyes. No matter how mad I was, and no matter whatever he'd lied to me about, I loved him. I couldn't bear to see him look at me in that way.

"Fine," I murmured. "I'll hear you out."

He let out an audible sigh of relief, closing his eyes slightly. "Do you want to go to my flat? Or we can do it in my office? Or at a restaurant? What do you want, Bella?"

The office was feeling claustrophobic now. Plus, I didn't want to embarrass myself further by getting upset in front of Nathan's colleagues. I'd look so immature. Then they'd find it even harder to believe that I was worthy of being his girlfriend. I still wanted to have my pride intact.

"We'll go to your flat," I said. It might be hard being in his flat when I found out whatever he'd done, surrounded by happy memories of our relationship, but I couldn't face getting upset in public.

It felt strange walking beside Nathan and not holding his hand. He was sensible enough not to try to. He didn't attempt to make conversation either. We walked in total silence all the way to his home.

"Do you want a drink?" Nathan asked as we stepped into his flat.

I didn't really want a drink but my mouth was still dry and I had a feeling that we'd be doing a lot of talking.

"Sure. Just water."

Taking a seat on the sofa while Nathan fetched my water, I took in his surroundings. He'd been keeping the flat tidy, but not even that pleased me at the moment. Only seconds later, Nathan handed me a pint glass of water, and then took a seat opposite me in the armchair.

For a few minutes, we sat in a horrible silence. It wasn't awkward but tension suffocated the air between us.

Realizing that Nathan wasn't going to speak, I bit the bullet and asked the question that had been bothering me for weeks.

"Who is she?"

"I did know her from school," Nathan answered quietly. "And she was on the prom committee and it was her organisational skills alone that tempted me to hire her. Nothing else."

"Right..."

He sucked in a deep breath. "We were involved at school. She wasn't a girlfriend, because obviously I didn't do girlfriends... But she was the closest thing to a girlfriend that I had."

"A fuck buddy?"

"Sort of. But she was more than that. We were close friends. It worked because there were no romantic feelings between us. We had a mutual respect for one another though...and she was pretty much the only girl I had respect for. Unfortunately, I dragged her down quite a bit. She'd often cover for me whenever I went AWOL. When I got involved in drugs, she started getting involved...it was a dark time for both of us."

I briefly recalled what Louisa had said to me earlier that afternoon when we were talking about Nathan leaving for Italy: I know it certainly set me back on the right path.

Is that what she'd been talking about? Nathan leaving school and moving to Italy meant that she'd no longer had such a bad influence on her life?

"If you had respect for her then why did you let her get involved with drugs?"

Shock crossed his face. "Oh, I, uh..." He stumbled over his words. "I don't know, Bella. I don't really have an answer...I guess it never really occurred to me. I didn't see drugs as something dangerous back then, but something recreational."

I remained silent for a while, letting everything sink in. Of course I was completely aware of Nathan's highly sexual past, so why had it never occurred to me that there was bound to be a regular girl he was involved with?

"What are you thinking?" he asked me.

"I just don't get it. If she really was in the past, then...?"

"...Then why did I hire her?"

"No," I said. "I get why you hired her. She's good at what she does. You had respect for one another back at school so you know she'd never let you down...but...in fact, I have two questions."

Nathan nodded quickly, urging me to continue.

"Firstly, why would you hire someone who you used to be so intimately involved with when you knew I might get insecure about it? And secondly, if you genuinely have no attachment to her these days, meaning that I'd have no reason to be insecure, then why would you not tell me about it?"

"It's pretty much the same answer to both questions," Nathan said. "The only attachment I had to Louisa was a mutual interest in sex. Like I said, the only feelings we had for one another were those of respect. When I moved to Italy, we fell out of touch. Her interview was the first time I'd seen her in about three years. I felt absolutely nothing. I am completely, head over heels, in love with you. And you know that, Bella. You know I'd do absolutely anything for you."

He paused, scraping a hand over his stubbled jaw and shifting his eyes across the room.

"But it was during the time that you were really worrying about us not seeing each other," he said. "I knew that if I told you the truth about how well I knew Louisa, then you'd just worry even more. You'd sit there in your room and you'd worry that she was making a move on me. You'd worry that I'd be tempted to go back there. I didn't want to put you through any unnecessary worry when I knew there was absolutely no chance of anything ever happening between Louisa and me."

"I know you'd never cheat," I admitted quietly. "Even though that was the first thing I assumed back in that office, I know deep down that you'd never do that to me. I just panicked. I assumed the worst because that's what happened to me before."

"Bella, I'd do absolutely anything for you. If you asked me to fire Louisa then I'd do it in an instant."

I raised a sceptical eyebrow. "That's not very respectful..."

"My relationship with you is the most important thing in the world to me. If I thought something was making you uncomfortable, then I'd get rid of it right away. You're my first priority."

"You say you didn't tell me the truth because you didn't want to cause me unnecessary worry. And I get that. Maybe it wasn't honest, especially after how we agreed that total honesty was the one thing that was crucial for this relationship to work, but despite that, I get why you did it. But if you felt the need not to be honest because you knew it'd worry me...then why the hell did you even hire her? Weren't you ever expecting me to find out the truth?"

"I was about to lose my job."

My mouth dropped open. "You what?"

"My last assistant screwed up so badly that my job really was hanging by a thread. I'd missed so many deadlines; I was beginning to be seen as a liability to the reputation of the company. My assistant is my responsibility. I was desperate. Louisa came in for an interview, and I knew she wouldn't screw up. I knew how meticulous she was. I knew she'd save my job. I planned to keep her on until I was back on track and then I'd let her go."

"I don't even know where to start." I shook my head, as if that would organise my spinning thoughts. "Let her go? Fire her? How is that fair?"

"She knew right from the beginning," he said. "She never wanted this job. But she was desperate for work. She's destined for bigger, better things. We spoke privately about it, and I said I could give her some temporary work, let her build up some experience, and then I'd give her a fantastic reference, pull some strings, and get her a better placement. It was an ideal arrangement for the both of us."

"But you didn't even tell her the truth, did you? She thought I knew about her, right? That's why she was so angry back there."

Nathan shrugged. "I did mess up there. But I knew she'd automatically assume that the reason I wanted to keep our past relationship quiet was because I was ashamed of her. And that is exactly what she did assume. Obviously our relationship was based on respect, and pretending that she was just some random girl who I barely knew was pretty disrespectful..."

"So she assumed that I knew and that I was fine with it?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"And your job? How could you keep that quiet, Nathan?"

"Again, I didn't want you to worry. You were settling in at university, you had your own problems...and I knew my job was salvageable. I told you I was struggling. I just didn't tell you to what extent."

"Yeah, like you told me about how you knew Louisa, but not to what extent," I said bitterly, before taking a sip of water.

"Bella, I know I've fucked up. But, thinking back... I really don't think I'd have done anything differently."

My eyes snapped up to look at him. "What did you just say?"

"I wouldn't have done anything differently. Maybe I would have told you just how bad my job situation was, because I really didn't think it was a big deal at the time..."

"So, even now, seeing how upset I am, you wouldn't have told me about Louisa?"

"Bella, my primary instinct is to protect you. I protected you from knowing about Louisa because I knew she was absolutely no threat. I would never want to cause you unnecess—"

"—Unnecessary worry," I interrupted with a sarcastic laugh. "You're missing the point, Nathan. This isn't about causing me unnecessary worry. This is about us being in an honest relationship and facing whatever obstacles come our way. If you'd have explained the Louisa situation to me right from the beginning, then I'd have understood that I had nothing to worry about."

"Really?" He cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. "You can sit there and tell me honestly that at no point would you have worried about me spending my days with someone I used to fuck?"

I kept his gaze, not flinching at his deliberate crude language. "You're asking me to be honest?"

"That's what you want, isn't it? You want us to be in an honest relationship. So tell me honestly. Would you have been able to go the last few months without worrying about Louisa at all?"

For the first part of this conversation, Nathan had been subdued and quiet. Now he was turning defensive, and I could sense the impending argument brewing beneath the surface.

"Exactly!" He spat out the word with a derisive scoff when I didn't reply.

"It's just coming across like you were hiding all of this because you knew there'd be something for me to worry about," I said.

He stayed silent, his eyes boring into me. Nathan had never looked at me like that before. He was always so calm and collected.

"Go ahead and deny it," I challenged.

Then he snapped. Standing up, he slammed his fist down on the coffee table. "I am fucking denying it!" he yelled. "How can you possibly sit there and belittle our relationship like that?"

A rush of anger surged up my spine and tightened my shoulders, yet I tried to keep my voice calm.

"How am I the one belittling it? You're the one keeping secrets—"

"You're accusing me of cheating!"

"I'm not accusing you of cheating—"

"That's how it's coming across!" He threw his arms in the air. "You're suggesting that the reason I didn't tell you was because I thought there was a chance that something could happen between Louisa and me."

I didn't deny it. Did I believe that, though? Not really. But I was tired of this argument. Of going around in circles.

"Fuck this." He stood up and began to pace. "I go out of my way to make you happy. You mean the fucking world to me and I'd do absolutely anything for you. I've spent the last year trying to make you as happy as possible, trying to prove to you that you deserve better than Matt, and that he was a dick and that there are still guys out there who want to spoil you, to give you everything you could ever want, and to love you unconditionally with all their heart. I just wanted to prove that not all guys are like Matt. Maybe that was pointless. You clearly believe I'm just like him."

In a different state of mind, Nathan's passionate speech might fill me with guilt, but right now, it just angered me more and tore my last thread of composure.

"You know it's just as hurtful that you think I would undervalue your love in that way. Don't accuse me of not appreciating it."

"Clearly we don't understand each other as much as we thought we did."

"Clearly." I narrowed my eyes at him.

I wasn't going to roll over. I wasn't even going to show weakness by having a sip of water. Bending down, I picked up my bag and pulled it over my shoulder.

"I don't want to hear from you for the rest of the day," I told him calmly. "I just want to go home and sort my head out."

"Not a problem," he assured me, heading to the door to let me out. "I honestly don't think I have the energy to have another conversation with you, Bella."

I paused in the doorway, suddenly having the urge to say something, to salvage the day. I couldn't leave like this, surely? I couldn't walk out on such a horrific fight.

Only seconds passed while I pondered it, but as my gaze met Nathan's, I was locked there. His eyes were no longer filled with frustration and anger, but with worry and love. He was thinking the same thing. Neither of us wanted to part on such bad terms, but neither of us wanted to back down either. We were equally stubborn.

So I left. I left with the knowledge that even though he hadn't expressed it vocally, Nathan had just as much desire to sort this out properly as I did. We just needed to calm down first and get our heads straight. Nothing could be solved when we were both wound up and angry with each other.

And as Nathan always said, tomorrow's another day.

--

Thank you for reading :)xx