Chapter 19 - "Let yourself go."

**Sexual content in this chapter**

When we'd finally made it back to the hotel after our busy day, we'd both been so tired that we'd ended up falling asleep on the bed whilst chatting. It was now ten o'clock. I lay there gazing at Nathan for a few minutes. He was sound asleep, his chest rising up and down with his deep breathing. Today must have been pretty stressful in a way for him; he put a lot of planning into making it happen and he even had to put up with my mini-tantrum half way up the Eiffel Tower. I wasn't going to let him go unrewarded – I'd show him my appreciation.

I bent down to his neck and began to kiss him, in what I hoped was a seductive way. It didn't take much of this before a smile appeared on Nathan's lips and he gradually began to regain consciousness.

"Mmm," he murmured, his hand lazily coming up to wind into my hair. "I can't think of a nicer way to be woken up."

I laughed softly against his neck. "I'm sure I can..."

In a sudden movement that took me by surprise, Nathan rolled over so he was on top of me. Smiling affectionately, contrasting to his playful mood, he gently brushed my hair away from my eyes.

"Have you enjoyed today?" he asked quietly.

I smiled back and nodded. "I know I started whinging halfway up the Eiffel Tower, but it was purely just tiredness."

"Was it worth it?"

"Definitely." I grinned. "Thank you, Nathan. I know you put a lot of planning into today. And it really was perfect."

"Well, not quite perfect," he couldn't help but point out. "It would have been better if your feet hadn't let you down."

"Well, they're feeling much better now," I said. "I'm re-energized."

"Re-energized?" he repeated with a smile. "What do you plan to do with that energy?"

"Harvest it in the most useful way possible, obviously."

"Obviously..."

And then he lowered his mouth to mine. Thinking back to the last time we'd had sex, it was completely different. It was rough and primal, symbolic of our lust and desire for each other. This time, however, it was softer and slower. This was how we usually had sex. Our clothes came off in a well-rehearsed manner, with no rush at all. Nathan was slowly devouring my body, his kisses torturing me with pleasure as he covered every inch of my skin with his lips. By the time he was finished kissing me, my skin was tingling, all sensations heightened.

"I love you," he murmured, his mouth back near mine again.

"I love you too," I whispered back. "More than anything."

He lifted his head to look at me, and when our eyes locked, the rest of the world was shut out. I got lost in those blue pools, and it was impossible not to think back to all the memories they held. How many times had I looked into his eyes in times of distress, in times of pain and in times of affection?

Still keeping eye contact with me, he slowly ran his hand down the centre of my body. My stomach clenched as he got lower, slowly coming into contact with my underwear. The sensation was electric, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from his. As he gently slid his hand inside my underwear, my toes clenched at the feel of him, my legs automatically widening.

"Bella," he murmured as I closed my eyes, wanting to savour the sensations.

"Mmm?" I murmured back.

He didn't say anything at first, but simply pressed his lips to my forehead. Our rough sex the other week had been great. Our sex normally was good. But this was something else. There was something about how slowly Nathan was doing everything that was gradually tipping me towards the edge. It was like he was prolonging everything.

"Are you relaxed?" he asked me quietly.

I nodded and let out a choked gasp as Nathan's thumb started to make circular movements over my clit. My body writhed, my hips lifting slightly. Then, in keeping with how slow he was touching me, one of Nathan's fingers slid into me. I let out a small whimper.

"Nathan..." My eyes remained shut. If I opened them, my bubble would burst.

"You okay?" he whispered back, kissing my cheek. He removed his finger but only to continue rubbing with his thumb.

"I'm really close..." Pressure swirled between my legs, blending with pleasure, creeping towards a peak.

"Good. Just relax. Let yourself go."

"I want you inside me."

"I want you to have it in as many ways possible," he said. "I want to see how many ways I can make you explode..."

Before I could register what he'd just said to me, his mouth was back on mine, kissing me hard. As our tongues got more furious, his fingers got more purposeful.

"Let yourself go, Bella..." he whispered against my mouth. "Else I won't be as merciful next time..."

I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that, but I didn't have time to think about it. For once, I gave myself completely over to Nathan. And the result was explosive. It was like every muscle in my body clenched and the sensation reached even my fingertips. Afterwards, I felt completely weak.

"You okay?" Nathan murmured.

"Mmm," I murmured back.

He kissed my cheek and then wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer and nuzzling his face into my neck.

"We never have sex these days," I commented wistfully.

Nathan just chuckled, his thumb gently caressing my bare shoulder. "The night is still young, Bella..."

I rolled onto my side to face him and look into his eyes. I felt closer to Nathan than anyone else, but right at this moment, I'd never actually felt so close to him.

"You know," he began, "ever since our anniversary night when we made out against that wall...I haven't been able to stop thinking about it."

"I see."

"I wanted to finish the job," he admitted.

My lips quirked into an amused smile. "Very kind of you. After all, I had been right on the brink for the last few days, patiently waiting for you to—"

He gave my shoulder a playful shove. "Alright. Don't take the piss." Then he smiled affectionately, gazing at me so tenderly. "I can't describe how you make my body feel, Bella..."

"I haven't even touched you yet."

"You don't have to. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. I can't explain it..."

"Well, nobody has ever made me feel the way you make me feel either," I told him. "Although, I only have Matt as comparison...and he didn't really ever make me feel anything..."

"You never enjoyed it?"

"Well I guess I enjoyed it in a way... But he never blew my mind."

We lay in contented silence for a few minutes. I could have easily fallen asleep due to the way that Nathan was stroking my hair, but my mind was elsewhere.

"I've really enjoyed today," I said to him. "Thank you so much."

"Me too," he replied, drawing his thumb gently across my cheek. "I've enjoyed watching you enjoy yourself."

I wasn't exactly sure which part of the day he was referring to there – and knowing Nathan, it could have been anything.

"Let me show you how much I appreciate it," I said quietly. When he didn't reply, I continued, just to make sure there was no confusion. "I want to watch you enjoy yourself too."

The look that Nathan gave me was a look that I'd grown very accustomed to. It was a look that he gave me whenever he was trying to work out what I truly meant. When Nathan looked at me in that way, I almost felt like he was reading my mind.

My fingers gently traced the elastic band of his boxers. He was already straining against the fabric, making it clear just how much he did want me.

Then he suddenly rolled so that he was on top of me, pinning me down. "Are you recovered?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Are you seriously going to try to distract me with sex?"

He smirked. "Is it working?" When I didn't answer, he took advantage of my hesitation. "Come on, Bella..." he murmured in my ear. "It's been so long...we never have sex anymore..."

"You're hilarious," I smirked. "Recycling my lines and throwing them right back at me."

I pushed the thought from my head as soon as Nathan's lips touched mine. His kissing was so sweet and affectionate. And when we did have sex, it didn't feel like sex, it felt like making love.

Later on that night, as Nathan drifted off to sleep beside me, I lay watching him for a bit. He seemed so at peace when he slept, as if he had no troubles. The last few days had taught me that Nathan still had the same insecurities as me. He still worried about our relationship and worried about losing me. He still wasn't one hundred per cent okay with everything in the bedroom. Maybe he had the most sexual experience, but when it came to love...I was definitely on top.

I remembered him confessing his anxieties to me in Rome once, before we'd slept together. He'd said he was scared because he'd never slept with a girl out of love before. He would happily spend his life pleasing me, not asking for anything in return, both in the bedroom and out of it. But when it came to me doing something for him? What was holding him back?

I was snapped out of my train of thought by Nathan mumbling something in his sleep. He was scowling and rolled onto his other side, seeming distressed. Since when did Nathan have nightmares?

"No," he mumbled, and he pulled the covers higher up so his entire body was hidden. His head continued to move around though in distress. Should I wake him?

"No," he muttered again. "I love Isobel."

My heart jumped upon hearing my name mentioned, and not the nickname that Nathan used for me, but my full, proper name. What the hell was he dreaming about that was so distressing but involved me? Then my stomach jumped at his next utterance.

"No, Louisa..."

And I had no idea just how much that name would begin to haunt me too.

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