|23| -  "I think your shower can wait." - 

Airports should be a place of excitement.

As I looked around the departure lounge, that seemed to be the case for the majority of travellers. A group of girls in matching pink t-shirts threw back shots in a nearby bar, their laughter and cheering becoming louder with each drink they downed. A rowdy, drink-fuelled hen party abroad wouldn't be my cup of tea, but I still felt jealous watching them.

One of those girls had a fiancé; she was due to get married and spend the rest of her life with him. What had they been through? Had they had bad arguments? Had they ever felt like they wouldn't make it? Had she ever spent long amounts of time away from him?

I watched the group for several more minutes, creating a whole story in my head about the girls, how they knew each other, where they were going and what their plans held. I wondered what her wedding would be like. A small, intimate event, or a big, white wedding? With an ironic smile to myself, I imagined them spending their honeymoon in Italy.

The girls faded away to a distant memory when I boarded the plane half an hour later. Taking off always gave me mixed feelings.

On the one hand, the hardest part of the journey was over. I'd survived the trip to Gatwick where I'd battled against the realisation that our time in the car would be our last few moments together. I'd said bye to Nathan and fought to hold back the tears. And I'd killed time in the airport whilst reacclimatising to being alone again and trying my hardest not to think about Nathan. Once airborne, that was done. Over. I was effectively on the other side.

On the other hand, however, there was something undeniably distressing about feeling the plane, quite literally, leave British soil, and seeing the landscape of England gradually disintegrate as we climbed higher, the clouds replacing the green fields and brick houses. It was the sensation of being pulled away from home—away from friends, family and Nathan—and taken to a different place where I knew I'd be tested.

At least I had Jasmine.

❆

"...And then I said to him, look. We met for the first time tonight. If you add up every word we've said to each other and string them all together, then it will probably be equivalent to a conversation of about seven minutes."

I raised an eyebrow at Jasmine across the kitchen table. "Ouch."

"Ouch? What do you mean ouch?" Without waiting for me to reply, she continued. "He was repulsively clingy. Now, I'm not saying people don't have the right to want more to come out of a one-night-stand, but you have to be rational about it. I don't owe him anything. In fact, it was his idea to go home together. It's not as if I tricked him."

She shook her head to herself before taking a sip of tea. Whilst I'd been sorting out my shit with Nathan, Jasmine had spent Christmas embroiled in a drama within her friendship group. One of her girlfriends had invited some uni flatmates on a night out with them, and Jasmine had slept with one of the guys. Appalled at the realisation that it was a one-time-only affair, he'd resorted to shaming her in front of their friends.

Jasmine then chuckled to herself as if remembering another detail. "Oh, that was it. He said it's no wonder I'm single when this is how I treat guys. Which I thought was amusing considering that he was the one pushing for us to go on dates when all I'd agreed to was a night of mediocre sex."

"Well, he sounds lovely and you've definitely missed out."

She laughed and then downed the rest of her tea, gesturing towards my cup to offer a refill. Whilst she pottered about in the kitchen, I stole a glance at my phone. Nathan had arranged a meeting with his boss to discuss the prospect of a temporary post in Italy. I hadn't heard anything about how the meeting had gone, so I could only assume it hadn't finished. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

"Anyway, your turn," Jasmine said, sliding my mug back across the table towards me. "So, we've done Miserable Marie. What else happened?"

In spite of the situation, a smile wound its way onto my lips. "Well, you know Jess and Jack?"

Her eyebrows shot up. "Did they finally get together?"

I smirked and took a sip of the tea. "Yep."

"Well? Details?"

I shrugged. "Jess is being quite tight-lipped about it. She says they didn't have sex, but I get the impression it was more than just a kiss. I think she feels weird because they're both my friends, you know?"

Jasmine nodded, her eyes glazed over as she thought about something. I cast my own mind back to New Year's Day. The atmosphere had been uncomfortable, and the silence couldn't just be attributed to raging hangovers. Jess and Jack barely looked at each other, and they certainly didn't speak. It was unclear whether that was due to awkwardness following their hook-up the previous night, or if they'd since had an argument.

"I guess it's difficult when he's living abroad, too," Jasmine said. "It's not like they can easily meet up to talk it through or try out some dates."

"Yeah, he won't be in France forever, though. Maybe it's better that way. It gives Jess some time to get her head straight and move on from Alex."

"True... and dare I ask where your head is currently?"

I shrugged. "Well, we're better. But it's not like we're so amazing that I'm now fine with us living in separate countries again."

"I don't think anyone would ever be fine with that, though. You can't like a person that much if you're totally cool with being separated from them for prolonged periods of time, right?"

"Right."

Jasmine's eyes twinkled, and she leaned forwards in her chair, resting her forearms on the table with her hands cupping her mug.

"You know, I've been thinking..."

"That sounds dangerous."

"This bucket list we made, maybe we should give it an upgrade."

"An upgrade?"

"Yeah, like Bucket List 2.0."

Still none the wiser, I waited for her to continue.

"So obviously we still want to make the most of our time in Italy," she said, "But your relationship is a huge part of your time here and we should incorporate that."

"We have. Skype sex, remember?"

"I'm thinking of making it less activities-to-tick-off, and more guidelines-for-keeping-long-distance-positive."

She went on to explain her theory behind why mine and Nathan's relationship had deteriorated so quickly, saying how neither of us had necessarily expected to encounter the issues we did so we dealt with them in a less-than-ideal manner. I couldn't argue with that logic, but I was surprised at her solution.

"So, if we list the main things that you find hard in the relationship, and then together we can brainstorm ways to overcome them."

"This sounds great, Jas..." Her eyes narrowed when she sensed the hesitance in my voice, so I powered on. "And I'm flattered you've spent so much time thinking about this, but..."

"But what the fuck would I know about relationships?"

I smirked. "I was trying not to sound like a bitch."

"Well, you failed. But relationships are about people. And I am a people expert."

I couldn't deny that.

And so began Bucket List 2.0. A bucket list that wasn't actually a bucket list at all, although Jasmine trained her hardest to spin it into one.

"The whole point of a bucket list, or a list in general, is that it contains things that need to be crossed off. So, by making this Bucket List 2.0, the items here automatically require attention. You can't ignore them and do your own thing. You have to stick to the list."

I rolled my eyes. "I've told you I'll get 'round to the Skype sex—"

"I'm not talking about the Skype sex," she said, rolling her own eyes in return. "Let me think of an example. Tell me something you and Nathan struggle with or are prone to arguing about."

It didn't take long to think of one. The nagging worries still existed in the back of my mind, ready to present themselves at the first sense of doubt.

Talking it all through with Jasmine felt anxiety-inducing at first, as though I was reliving all the pain from the past few months. After a while, however, that anxiety faded away, replaced by a sense of calm and positivity, like we were tackling it together rather than me going through it alone.

We'd filled the first page of A4 when my phone pinged, illuminating with a message from Nathan. Only the first few lines of the message displayed on the preview, but it was all I needed.

Just come out of the meeting. I'm afraid it's bad news. Can I call you when...

I took a deep breath, counted to three in my head and then turned the phone onto its front to hide the message. Before I spoke to him, I needed to rationalise everything and come to terms with it. The last thing either of us needed was another emotion-fuelled argument.

"You okay?" Jasmine asked.

Taking the pen from her, I pulled the paper closer. "Let's carry on."

❆

Nathan didn't answer my Skype call on the first or second attempt. I referred to the Bucket List 2.0 sheet in front of me. Using one of Jasmine's bright pink highlighters, I'd underlined Point 3:

APPROACH UPSETTING OR FRUSTRATING EVENTS WITH A DIFFERENT ATTITUDE

I'd singled that one out in particular because it struck a chord with me for two reasons. Firstly, the way I'd tackled situations pre-Christmas obviously hadn't worked that well because we'd both ended up hurt and angry. Regardless of whether I felt justified reacting the way I did, it made no sense to continue a circle of painful behaviour when neither of us had benefitted from it.

Secondly, there were two people in this relationship, and that fact had been something I'd only ever emphasised when it suited me: I'm the one living away from my friends and family. You're my boyfriend and need to communicate better with me. I'm the one in an unfamiliar country. You've got it easy in England and need to support me. I'm the one whose day-to-day lifestyle has changed. Everything is the same for you and so I need supporting.

Whilst that may be true, I needed to take a step back from that attitude. Nathan knew all that. We'd spoken about it, argued over it and fought until it ended in tears. But it wasn't just about me. I might have it harder, but that didn't necessarily mean he had it easy.

There were two people in this relationship.

We needed to help each other.

When my Skype began to ring, I accepted the call almost immediately, finding myself faced with an empty chair. A few seconds later, Nathan leant in front of the camera, his hair damp and skin glistening.

"Sorry, Bella," he said, seeming out of breath. "Just got back from the gym. I'll take a quick shower and call you back?"

His words barely registered. For a moment, I was no longer in Italy. I was in our flat, beneath his body as he panted and groaned.

"Bella? Can you hear me? Fuck's sake. This laptop is a piece of shit..." He began fiddling with something away from the camera, his bicep blocking my view of his body.

I cleared my throat. "Sorry. I can hear you. I was just...caught off-guard."

He chuckled and lowered himself into the chair, raising an eyebrow at me as the rest of his body came into view again. "In a good way or bad?"

"Definitely good. I think your shower can wait. Unless you'd rather—"

"It can wait."

I smiled. Any anger or frustrations I'd felt earlier faded away, replaced with love and lust instead. He might have been on the other side of a laptop screen, but the connection and chemistry felt just as real as if he were here in person. My eyes flickered back to the Bucket List.

"How was the gym?" I asked as I watched him chug back some water.

"Intense. Needed to blow off some steam."

"You're disappointed with the meeting?"

"Of course I'm disappointed. I just thought after everything we went through, we deserved this."

"Did they tell you why?"

He nodded and reached to sweep his hair away from his eyes. Maybe it was my new attitude, but Nathan genuinely seemed upset that he wouldn't be moving to Italy. And that distracted me from my own feelings about the situation.

"They didn't rule it out," he said, "but they did say it would take several months to get approved by the board, make the necessary logistical arrangements et cetera. At the very earliest, it would probably be May by the time everything was authorised, and then June by the time I was ready to move there. The minimum placement time is three months so, yeah, it doesn't work out."

Despite the situation, I chuckled. "Yeah, not unless we then want to do long-distance over the summer, too. Swap positions with me living in England and you in Italy?"

He smiled. "You're not upset?"

"Well, I'm not happy about it, obviously. But it was a long shot, Nathan. Our worst three months are behind us now. We just need to look forwards."

The optimistic words felt foreign on my tongue. This placement could have been our lifeline. We would have been in the same country, Nathan away from Marie and the bad influence of his colleagues.

But it wasn't meant to be.

Dwelling on it would serve no purpose in the long-run. I needed to take my own advice and look forwards. So, I did. I looked at my disheartened boyfriend in the screen and I told him I loved him.

He perked up, smiling and returning the words. If we were together in person, we'd cuddle and kiss, taking comfort in each other.

I'd expected the next words that tumbled out of my mouth to feel awkward and forced. But they didn't. Locked into a conversation with Nathan, with the magic of Skype hiding the fact we were one thousand miles apart, I was at ease, the chat natural.

"If you really did work so hard at the gym, then you're probably dying to take your sweaty top off."

Even through the video, I could see the hint of amusement that flickered in Nathan's eyes as he leaned back in his chair and folded his hands behind his head. The muscles in his arms rippled, his pecs straining against the thin fabric of his top.

"If you were here with me, then yours would already be off."

For the rest of the evening, Nathan's bad news and my fears over repeated mistakes dissolved into nothingness as we dipped our toes into a new world and explored a side to our relationship that had previously been left untouched.

Three years down the line, it was nice to still have some firsts.  

❆❆❆

Thank you for reading :) xx