|13| - "I want to see the photos."

Skyping did not make me feel better.

Nathan had warned me that he'd been drunk, but there was hearing about it, and then there was seeing it first-hand. His usually tanned complexion was washed-out, the contrast of his black hoodie making him look even more pale. When he lifted a hand to rub at his bloodshot eyes, I could see the faded marks of stamps, evidence of the number of clubs he'd graced last night.

He looked utterly defeated, and I don't think that was just because he was in the dog house with me. Seeing him void of his normal eye twinkle, cheeky smile and bouncy persona was a clear indication of his current state, his suffering from a raging hangover.

"I just don't want to carry on talking about this over Whatsapp," he said.

              Despite it being his idea to Skype, talking appeared to be a real chore, too. His voice was croaky and he kept swallowing hard, as if in pain.

              Yet even though he was clearly in a large amount of discomfort, I couldn't bring myself to feel sorry for him.

              "I want to see the photos."

              He winced, and I couldn't tell if it was due to me or the hangover.

              "Bella, please."

              "It's not up for discussion. You didn't want me to see them, and I want to know why."

              "I've told you why," he said, before swallowing again and lowering his eyes. "They don't look good."

              "And that's exactly why I need to see them. Send them to me now, and I'll do you the courtesy of looking at them in front of you."

              He looked as though there were a thousand other places he'd rather be than on Skype with his furious girlfriend, but I needed to have him in front of me when I looked at them. It was for his benefit, too: he wouldn't have to make himself even more ill by wondering what I was thinking.

              "And don't even think about leaving any out," I said to his bowed head as he flicked through his phone.

              Nathan didn't react to my warning but, several seconds later, my phone buzzed. I took a deep breath but didn't wait any longer to open the messages. I'd been furious at his deceit, but now I just felt sick as I looked at the photos, all anger replaced by hurt.

              "I'm going to give you a couple of minutes," Nathan said, his voice resigned. "I just need to use the bathroom."

              I'd wanted him there initially, but now I was glad to see him leave me alone for a few moments. No longer under his scrutiny, I could flick through the photos without worrying about my expressions.

              He was right about one thing: they did look bad. They were all of him and Marie: some just the two of them, others focusing on someone else but with them in the background. Dancing together in the club, her back to him as she laughed. Outside on the terrace, her hand on his shoulder, her hips against his as she leaned up to say something in his ear. Posing together for a photo, arms around one another. Another picture, this time with Nathan sitting down and Marie leaning over him from behind, her arms draped around him as she pressed her cheek against his.

That was the one that got me the most. The rest, I could deal with. It was classic drunk companionship and, with each photo, I imagined myself doing it with Jack and whether it'd feel inappropriate for me. It wouldn't, but then Jack was a close friend. Marie was a colleague. Would I press my hips against Jack when hugging him? No, but in fairness to Nathan, that was Marie's actions, not his.

              However the photo of them together at the table, her arms looped around his chest from behind, and their faces in such close proximity as they both smiled at the camera... That was the one that struck me the hardest because, to a stranger, they looked like a couple.

              I trusted Nathan. No part of me would ever doubt his faithfulness. Even now, I knew he wouldn't have crossed the line. But he was dancing damned close to it. While his girlfriend was missing him in Italy, upset at his lack of communication, he was getting close to a different girl.

              He returned to his seat, and I flinched as I saw him again; I'd forgotten just how rough he looked.

              "Thanks for sending the photos," I said. "I agree, they don't look great."

              "I know they don't, but I swear I didn't do anything with her."

              "So at what point did it become too intimate?" I asked.

              He groaned and put his head in his hands, not immediately answering me. I didn't push him, but I didn't let it drop either. I just waited. And waited.

              "Nothing happened," he said eventually.

              "That's not what I asked."

              "I know it seems like a pathetic excuse, but I was drunk, Bella. It was the first time going out with colleagues and I wanted to be accepted and fit in. So I drunk more than I should have done. My judgment was clouded, she was getting closer and I let it happen because I knew I'd never have crossed the line. I'm in love with you. I'd never cheat or get too close to another girl. She means literally nothing to me and so what was happening didn't even register as inappropriate until someone pointed it out to me."

              "Someone pointed it out to you?"

              He looked sheepish again—or maybe just in pain. It was hard to tell.

              "Yeah, Louisa text me."

              "Louisa? Why? She's not even in your department anymore. Why was she there?"

              He sighed and rubbed at his head. "She wasn't there. She heard it from someone else."

              The nausea flooded over me again. Nathan had been so overt with Marie that rumours had begun to fly and Louisa had found out. How ironic. The last time we'd fought over a girl, it had been Louisa. Now we were fighting and Louisa was involved again, but she was the one trying to stop him misbehaving.

              "Did you want to talk about the smoking?" he asked.

              I didn't doubt that he genuinely wanted to address all the issues, but it was pretty neat timing on his part, too. Nevertheless, I humoured him.

              "How many did you smoke?" I asked.

              "One, or, I don't know, two maybe. Not many."

              I nodded. After the Marie bombshell, the smoking thing seemed insignificant. "Okay. We're done talking about the smoking. I just need some time now, Nathan."

              "Bella, please... I get that you need time to let it sink in, and I fully respect that. But please tell me that you believe me. That you believe I didn't do anything."

              "I do believe you, but that was never the issue. You did something you felt like you shouldn't have done, and then you tried to stop me finding out about it. As if I wasn't struggling enough with being a thousand miles away, I now have to worry about what else you're hiding from me."

              "There's nothing else. I promise. It was just a stupid thing to do. So stupid. I'm sorry, Bella."

              I nodded, neither accepting nor rejecting his apology. "Like I said, I need some time to let this sink in."

              "Yeah, fine. However long you need."

              There was a long pause as we both considered how to end the call. Skyping hadn't exactly improved the situation, but it needed to be done.

              "I love you, Bella. So much."

              I took a deep breath, the emotions finally beginning to catch up with me. "I love you, too."

              Then I disconnected the call before he could see me crying.

☼

              Jasmine popped her head round my door to check on me, but respected my wish to be alone when I gave her a brief summary of what had happened.

              I knew Marie and Nathan hung out at work, but now I felt like a mug. All this time I'd thought nothing of their friendship. I was even happy that Nathan had made a decent friend.

              Even though I didn't feel like talking to anyone, I knew there was one person who'd give me a straight answer about what had really been happening the past couple of months.

              "Hello, Isobel's second choice speaking!"

              "Don't give me that chipper tone. You know why I'm calling."

              Louisa sighed. "Fuck. He told you."

              "No, actually. He didn't tell me. In fact, he tried damned hard to keep it from me."

              "What the fuck? I told him twice last night that he needed to tell you, and then I told him this morning, too, just in case he claimed amnesia."

              "Oh, great," I said. "So he made an even more conscious effort to keep it from me than I first thought. Perfect."

              "And, before you get pissed off at me, I didn't think it was my place to say anything and I never would have chosen to tell you whilst you were over there anyway. I was going to speak to you about it over Christmas. You know, ruin your Christmas instead of ruin your year abroad."

              I sighed. "Sorry, Louisa. I'm not pissed off at you. I'm just in a foul mood. Can you tell me what you know, please?"

              "You want to hear it from me?"

              "Only because I need an outsider's perspective. Like, is it her fault or his? Nathan is too kind for his own good sometimes. He doesn't realise when he's being taken advantage of."

              "I think you've hit the nail on the head there," she replied. "That's what it all comes down to. I genuinely don't think he realised what he was doing. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your friend. Honestly, if he'd fucked up then I would not be covering his ass."

              "I know. That's why I've called. I'm feeling pretty shit about the whole thing but I need to know all the facts and I'd rather get it in one hit than drag it out."

              Some perspective around the situation would help me get my thoughts straight and work out how I felt about it, whether there was anything else Nathan and I needed to imminently discuss, or if I just needed to cool down and process it.

                "Okay, well, I assume you know her background?"

              I wasn't sure what I knew anymore. "Nathan had previously told me that she'd come out of a bad breakup, lacked self-esteem and was vulnerable."

              "That's the gist of it. Nathan cheers her up a lot, gives her more faith in guys. They spend time together, became good friends..."

              She trailed off, but this still wasn't new to me. What was becoming weirdly apparent, though, was the that the nature of their friendship was extremely similar to how Nathan and I became friends before we entered into a relationship.

              "I've warned him before," Louisa continued. "I said not to get too close because someone will get hurt... But you know what he's like. He thought taking a step back would upset Marie when she was already going through a tough time. He wanted to be there for her."

              "And last night?"

              "And last night she took advantage," Louisa said. "I don't doubt she's been through some shit, but that doesn't give her an excuse to hit on a guy who has a girlfriend. And, look, Izzy, I'd be the first person to call Nathan out on any shady behaviour—you know I have your back—but this was her. He didn't back off because he didn't want to put her through that rejection again. He fucked up."

              "Did you see him last night?"

              "No, a friend did. She text me and said Nathan hadn't done anything but Marie was pushing her luck. I then messaged Nathan and told him to back off or go home."

              I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. All I could see was her: long, black hair cascading around her olive skin as she threw her head back and laughed at something Nathan said. I shuddered.

              "Are you okay?" Louisa asked after a lengthy silence.

              "I'll be fine. He made a mistake and it hurts, but I'm sure we'll get through it. It's just shit to know he'll be seeing her every day, and I'm stuck here."

              "When do you come back?"

              "Couple of weeks."

              Would that be a good thing or not? It'd give us time to let everything cool down, but I couldn't help thinking that sorting it out would be much easier in person.

              "I'm here if you need me," Louisa said.

              Louisa had been the previous girl I'd felt threatened by—a couple of years ago now—and we'd managed to overcome that to form a friendship. This felt different, though. Louisa's involvement with Nathan had taken place before we'd got together. It was part of his past, a life he no longer led.

              Marie was very much part of his current life, and he was using his kindness and compassion to comfort her.

              I might trust him not to do anything, but it certainly didn't help the growing feeling of discomfort that this year abroad was creating.

☼☼☼

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