|08| - "Do you think we'll have kids one day?" -  

It was a chilly evening in November, and I was getting dressed to go on a date with Nathan. Unlike our normal dates, though, this one was crossing into new boundaries. Quite literally. For a start, I was in Italy and he was in England. We'd be having dinner together, but over Skype.

Despite that, I made just as much effort with getting ready that I would for any other date of ours. I shaved my legs, straightened my hair and spent longer on my make-up before picking out one of Nathan's favourite dresses—a strapless blue one with a plunging neckline. It didn't matter that we would be doing it via a video call that was likely to be pixelated at the worst of times and still not high enough quality to see every pore of my skin at the best of times. What mattered was treating this date with the same amount of care and attention as I would normally.

At bang on eight o'clock, the familiar Skype tune began to play and an unfamiliar flutter of butterflies made themselves known within the depths of my stomach. After three years together, Nathan and I didn't have many firsts nowadays.

Accepting the call, there was a brief moment of blackness before Nathan's picture came into view. Like me, he'd also made an effort, wearing a dark red shirt with the top few buttons undone. The butterflies intensified, but this time for a different reason. He looked so good, and I longed to reach through the screen to touch him, kiss him and have my body close to his.

"Evening," he said with an easy smile. "You look great."

"So do you," I replied. "Have you got your dinner?"

"I have. Steak, onion rings, chips, peas...Glass of wine."

"Sounds good."

"Do I even need to ask what you're eating?" he said, raising an amused eyebrow at me.

"You can ask what sauce it is," I shot back.

He laughed and I began to relax into the conversation. At first, it felt strange to be having a date over Skype, but soon it became just like any other Skype conversation—or date—that we had. We chatted with ease and laughed together, soon forgetting the high-pressure nature of a date.

Half an hour into the call, our meals well and truly demolished, Nathan's phone made a loud buzzing sound from beside him. His eyes flicked down to it with only a hint of mild curiosity, almost out of instinct than anything else.

"You can look at it, if you want," I told him.

He shook his head and took another sip of wine. "It's only the group chat from work."

"Are you getting to know people a bit better there?" I asked.

Still working for his original company, Nathan had recently moved offices and been given a more specific role. The new workplace was much bigger, which meant there were more colleagues his own age there and a more social atmosphere in general. Although I still didn't completely understand all the complexities of his new role, I was pleased that he was now in an environment where he could potentially make some new friends and spend time with them outside his flat, rather than sitting there alone.

That being said, there was something strange about knowing Nathan had friends that I'd never met. He often mentioned their names to me in connection with work, but apart from the odd stalk on Facebook, I struggled to visualise them all and had no real idea of their personalities.

"Yeah, a bit," he said in response to my question. "But I think it's difficult to properly get to know people in a work environment. At the end of the day, we're colleagues. Everyone behaves a certain way and you can never truly be yourself in the office."

"I understand."

I didn't, really. I'd never had a proper job, having gone straight from school to university. Nathan, on the other hand, had been in full-time employment for over two years now and had got the grips of office life and everything it entailed. As much as I could, I tried to relate to it and sympathise with his frustrations; however, much like my time in Italy, you could never truly understand something unless you experienced it yourself.

"The group chat helps," he continued. "They're still trying to organise the Christmas party at the moment."

"Oh, cool. That'll be a good opportunity to get to know them all better outside work, then."

Nathan shrugged. "I suppose so. I'd rather not mix work and pleasure too much, though."

"But even though they're your colleagues, you need to build that relationship with them. It's good to have people on your side who've got your back."

"As long as I don't get too close to them. There's a fine line between having someone on your side, and having someone you're too personally invested in."

"Personally invested?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't want to start hanging out with them at weekends. I want work to stay at work, really. Helps me switch off."

"The Christmas party will be fun, though."

"Yeah, I'm sure it will be. It'll be weird doing a night out without you but I'm sure I'll manage."

I smiled. "I'm sure you will."

Likewise, it was strange for me to imagine Nathan on a night out. Whenever we went out together, he stuck by my side for most of the evening, only straying away when I went to dance with other girls or he went to chat to the boys. University nights out had a reputation for being geared towards single people, where everyone would try to pull or flirt. For Nathan and me, it had obviously never been like that and we'd managed to turn them into a time to let our hair down and have fun with friends. On the rare occasions that we were separate and he got hit on, he'd always politely turn them down.

If he went on a night out without me, though, I couldn't help but wonder whether he'd attract more female attention since he didn't have a girl on his arm. Although I trusted him enough for it not to bother me, it was strange to imagine Nathan in a situation where other girls would be interested and assuming he was single.

Wanting to change the subject, Nathan began to talk about his family instead, mentioning that his nephew, James, was growing up far too quickly and he couldn't work out where the time had gone.

"Do you think we'll have kids one day?" he asked me.

"Sure. Just not any time soon."

He chuckled, a deep melodic sound that warmed me throughout. Despite him only casually suggesting it, I still struggled to imagine a time in my life where I'd be having children. It seemed so far off. This year alone was dragging, then I had another year of university before facing the insurmountable challenge of finding my first job. Kids were a long way off. Another milestone, however, didn't feel quite so far...

"It feels strange that we'll end this date by saying bye and then clicking the red icon," Nathan said with a sigh. "No kisses, no going to bed together..."

"I don't know," I replied. "I'm pretty tired, so works well for me."

A smirk began to take form, still clearly visible through the deteriorating video quality.

"Doesn't usually stop you."

"Doesn't usually stop you, you mean."

He laughed but the joking side of him began to fade. "This is the most frustrating thing about long distance, I think. We can talk and joke like normal, but just can't have that physical closeness."

And that, I could completely relate to. It wasn't just the sex, either. It was the small gestures: a squeeze of the knee, a peck on the lips, the brush of a hand. Cuddling on the sofa, spooning in bed, holding hands in the street. They were things we did every single day without a second thought, and yet now we were unable to do them, they seemed so much more significant to our relationship.

"I miss it, too," I said.

"We'll work it out."

If Nathan was anything, he was positive. Where I always tended to assume the worst, Nathan found a way to spin a positive angle on it. We were opposites in that sense—and in many more, too—but they say opposites attract. Just, unfortunately, we weren't close enough together at the moment to form that physical bond.

When I went to bed that evening, I considered the bucket list again and one item stood out to me. At some point this year, I would pluck up the courage to take this long-distance relationship to the next level. It might be strange at first—awkward, even—or we might laugh more than flirt, but I was determined to try. This was my year, and I was going to make just as much of an effort as my boyfriend. 

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Thank you for reading :) xx