Chapter 18 - "I want to be used."

I wanted to look nice for Nathan, but I didn't want to give off the wrong impression. After Jess had pointed it out to me, I found myself analysing the way I acted around him. Would this be considered too friendly or did that suggest I fancied him? 

Nathan had also refused to tell me which restaurant we were going to and so I didn't know how formal to dress. Eventually, after much deliberation, I'd settled on a plain grey skirt with a figure-hugging sweater. I then slid on some shoes before beginning the painful decision-making process of what to do with my hair. Nathan had said this morning that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself; I should make Matt realise what he was missing out on. Matt obviously wouldn't be at the restaurant, but that didn't mean I shouldn't make an effort. I straightened my hair, topped up my make-up and then grabbed a bag before heading downstairs. 

"You look nice," Mum commented as I passed through the living room. "Is Matt taking you out?" 

My stomach sank and the familiar feeling of nausea rose within me whenever someone brought up Matt. I hadn't told my parents. I knew they secretly thought Matt didn't treat me well enough, but I'd always defended him. I could barely bring myself to admit what he'd done. 

"No," I said, trying to keep my voice calm. "We're not together anymore. Nathan's taking me out. I'll be back by ten. See you later." 

"Wait!" she called, following me to the door. "What do you mean you're not together?" 

"We broke up, Mum," I mumbled. "I don't really want to talk about it." 

"Was it because of this new boy you've been seeing recently?" she asked, frowning slightly. "What's his name? Nathan?" 

"No, it was nothing to do with Nathan," I told her with a scowl. "He's just a friend and he's really helping me through this." 

Mum sighed and stroked my cheek. Even though I knew she was trying to be affectionate and comforting, it still felt like pity. I was so tired of pity.

"Why did you break up, Sweetie? Don't you want to talk about it?" 

I shook my head. "No. I really don't." 

"So are you going out with this Nathan to get back at Matt?" 

"No." I recoiled from her touch, partially offended. "We're going out as friends. As if you think I'd move on so quickly, Mum. I really liked Matt; you know that." 

The doorbell rang and since I was nearest, I reached to open the door, thankful for the interruption. When my eyes landed on Nathan, my heart skipped a beat in surprise. I hadn't expected him to have the guts to come to my front door when he knew my mother was in. There he was, however, looking as calm and collected as always.  

"Nathan... Um, this is my mum. Mum, this is Nathan." 

"It's nice to meet you." Nathan flashed Mum a charming smile as he held out his hand to her.

Mum looked dazed as she shook his hand. He did look dashing, admittedly, but this wouldn't help my case that we were only friends. 

"It's lovely to meet you, too. Would you like to come in for a bit?" she offered, gesturing towards the living room.  

"Actually, Mum, the table is booked for seven thirty so we should be going," I told her quickly, reaching to pull my coat off the peg from which it hung by the front door.  

"It's booked for eight, Bella," Nathan said, which I could have murdered him for. Did he want to be interrogated? "I didn't expect you to be ready for seven so I booked it for later, just in case." 

Didn't expect me to be ready, or didn't expect me to come without a fuss? I wasn't sure, and Mum didn't seem to care either way.  

"Oh, come in for a drink, then!" she gushed, practically dragging him inside. 

I don't know whether it was because I'd assured Mum that Nathan was just a friend, or because she clearly found him attractive, but she didn't give him the usual interrogation; she hung onto his every word as he smiled and joked and charmed his way to her heart.

I had to admit that I could see the attraction, though. He looked like he'd actually made an effort. I'd only ever really seen him in jeans and a t-shirt - even when I'd first met him at the bar he'd been dressed pretty casually. The only time I'd seen him like this was at that dreaded party. He looked like he'd bothered to run a brush through his dirty blonde hair, which was usually wavy and reaching past his ears. Tonight it was swept back and much neater, showing off his prominent cheek bones. He was also wearing a shirt with a tie, and somehow managed to pull it off without looking too business-like. I chastised myself for checking him out and admitting he looked hot. I didn't need to feel these things; it would only complicate matters. 

I left Nathan with Mum while I cleared away the cups. As I was heading back into the living room, I heard Matt's name being mentioned. 

"Do you know what happened?" Mum was asking. 

"It's not my place to say," Nathan replied. "It's up to Isobel to tell you, when she's ready." 

Isobel? It wasn't the first time I'd heard him say it, and yet the name still sounded strange coming from his mouth; I'd grown so used to Bella.

"I'm worried about her," Mum continued. "She really had it bad for Matt. I admit I always had my doubts about him...he'd let her down a lot and mess her about. You shouldn't do that if you really care about a person." 

"Isobel deserves someone who can equal the amount of love she gives," Nathan said in agreement. "I can't imagine why he'd ever let her down. He was a fool to let her go, though I'm glad he did. She can do much better." 

"Has she spoken to you about it?" Mum asked hurriedly, lowering her voice. "You know, is she bottling it all up? Or talking?" 

"She's coping well," Nathan replied.  

Coping well? He called this coping well? I'd love to see what coping badly would be like. Nathan had far too much patience and faith in me; I hardly deserved his support.  

"She is talking, but I just thought the best plan of action would be to distract her. That way she's got time to move on without thinking things over too much." 

"Well, she's lucky to have a friend like you. I don't know why she's never mentioned you..." 

I decided this conversation needed to come to a swift conclusion before Nathan became offended, so I quickly made my presence known.

"Shouldn't we get going, Nathan?" I asked, giving him a meaningful look. 

He glanced at his watch, fake surprise flooding over his face. "Oh yes, look at the time! They do say time flies when you're having fun." And then he winked at my mother. He actually winked at her. "I'll have her back by ten." 

I yanked open the front door, not wanting to waste any more time, and headed down the driveway to Nathan's car. 

"Have fun, Love," Mum called to me. I waved in response then attempted to pull open the passenger door to Nathan's car, before realising it was locked.  

"Bye, Mrs Smith," I heard Nathan say. "It was nice meeting you." 

"Oh, call me Claire, dear." 

Mum had never told Matt that he could call her Claire, but he probably wouldn't have dared to, anyway. As Nathan headed down the driveway, he lifted his keys to aim them at the car and pressed the button to unlock it. Pulling open my door, I hopped inside and let it swing shut after me.  

Nathan chuckled as he sat down next to me and fastened his seat belt. 

"Wow, Bella. Considering you were so against this meal, you sure are keen to get to the restaurant." 

"I'm keen to get away from you flirting with my mother." 

"I wasn't flirting. No need to get all possessive and jealous. You can save that kind of behaviour for when we're married." 

"I was not jealous," I said, ignoring his marriage comment. "You know, my mother has only known you ten minutes, and she already likes you more than she ever liked Matt." 

"I was only trying to make a good impression so she wouldn't mind us spending time together. Sorry if it came across as flirting." 

Sighing, I stared out of the window into the darkness. My reflection stared back at me, and then, beyond that, the reflection of Nathan concentrating on the road. Considering his taste for rebellion, he always drove safely and I never felt uneasy in his car. 

"You all right?" he asked me after a few minutes of silence. "You've been acting weird all day." 

"No, I haven't," I said, not wanting to divulge my feelings again. "I'm fine. I'm just hungry. Are you gonna tell me where we're going yet?" 

"It's a surprise. By definition of a surprise, you're not supposed to know. Stop trying to ruin it for yourself..." 

"Well, what if I don't like it?" I challenged, trying to worry him into revealing where we were going.  

"You will like it." 

"But what if I don't?" 

"Bella, you're going to like it," he told me confidently, flicking on his indicator and slowly applying pressure to the brakes to slow down the car. 

"How sure are you?"

"One hundred per cent." 

"Well, that's ridiculous." 

He suddenly swerved into a car park and then neatly reversed into a parking space. We were in a dark street, with no streetlights, and suddenly I didn't feel quite so safe.  

"Where are we?" I asked, leaning forward in an attempt to peer out of the windshield. I cupped my hands around my eyes to try to improve my vision as I rested against the glass, but still couldn't see much.

Nathan got out of the car and, when I didn't move from my seat, came around to my side and opened the door. 

"You're with me. You'll be fine." 

"Is this another one of those things where we take a risk in order to make life exciting?" I asked sceptically, my thumb hovering over the red button that would release my seat belt.  

He chuckled to himself again. "Get out of the car, Bella." 

I did as he said. There was no denying that I did feel safe walking beside Nathan. At first, I stayed glued to his side, but then I thought that might seem a little too intimate, and since I was trying not to give off the wrong impression, I put some distance between us. 

"Why the long walk?" I asked as we finally strolled into the centre of town and I began to recognise landmarks again. 

"Building up an appetite." 

"So are you gonna blindfold me?" I teased, nudging him in his ribs. "So I don't see it approaching and guess?" 

"Didn't realize you were into that kind of thing, Bella..." he responded smoothly.  

I blushed deeply and couldn't think of any reply whatsoever because my mind was now full of dirty thoughts about Nathan blindfolding me. As I tried to push them out of my head, Nathan spoke up again.  

"Sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. I just couldn't resist that comment." 

"It's fine."

"I feel bad now," he mused. "I feel like I've sort of corrupted your innocent mind." 

Innocent. Hardly. Then again, Nathan had probably done things that I didn't even know existed, so in his eyes, I probably was innocent. 

"You've not corrupted it. More like opened it," I admitted.  

Silence accompanied our walk, our footsteps echoing on the concrete. With every step, I regretted my last sentence. Opened it? Who admitted that in public? Who admitted that anywhere? 

Kat was right about one thing: my sex life with Matt had been far from adventurous. That had suited us fine, though. We were both new to it, inexperienced and learning together. But also, we were only eighteen. Surely there weren't that many eighteen-year-olds with bold and exciting sex lives?

When the weight of the silence continued to suffocate me, I cracked and surfaced for air. 

"I can't believe I just said that. Ignore what I just said." 

"Not likely." He smirked, and I felt him glance down at me. "I think we've now got our conversation for dinner."  

At least he was teasing me about it so hadn't taken it too seriously. There weren't many things Nathan took seriously, and that eased my anxious thoughts. 

"Speaking of which, we're here," he announced, coming to a stop outside a restaurant. "And no blindfolds were necessary since you were so preoccupied thinking about being in bed with me that you stopped concentrating on where we were." 

I ignored his last comment because I had become distracted by the restaurant in front of us. 

"Bella Italia," I said, with a smile. "I'm very impressed. And touched. Thank you."

"I thought it was appropriate." He smiled back. "And let's face it, who doesn't like Italian food? Plus, I remember you saying you'd been to Rome. You can't have starved for a week." 

I laughed and briefly rested my head against his shoulder before catching myself and straightening up again. 

"Thank you, Nathan. This is perfect." 

"Well, I try my best."  

We shared a tender moment, and this time I didn't shy away from it. As usual, his thoughtfulness touched me. He was the one to break away from the intense gaze and gesture towards the restaurant entrance. 

"Hungry?" he asked.  

It didn't feel like a date. It just felt like two friends going out for dinner. The conversation was never lacking and we spent a good hour just talking about Italy, the places he'd been and the people he'd met. It was fascinating and I barely thought about Matt for the whole meal, which I think was Nathan's intention. 

"If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?" he asked me, twisting his remaining spaghetti around his fork. 

"I don't know," I replied truthfully. "But I've always fancied living in a city, you know, like a proper city. I love the hustle and bustle of city life." 

"So, like, New York? Or Paris? Or somewhere Spanish-speaking? You can speak Spanish, after all." 

"I guess I'll just have to see where my future career lands me." 

"Yeah, but you have total control over that. What's stopping you from applying for a job in New York?" he asked with a nonchalant shrug, as if New York was just down the road, and not across a major ocean.  

I tossed him a small smile. "You're trying to encourage me to be adventurous and risky again."

"Is it working?" He grinned, before firing a wink at me.  

Eager to divert the conversation back onto him, I asked him the same question about where he'd ideally live. 

"Somewhere remote..." he replied. "Maybe an island in the middle of the Pacific, where I could just wake up at whatever time I liked and do whatever the hell I wanted all day." 

"Surely there isn't that much to do on a remote island, though?"  

"I'd pick an interesting island." 

"Would there be a supermarket on the island? Otherwise how will you eat?" 

"I'd fish," he said confidently.  

"You'd be lonely." 

"I'd invite you over. You're always entertaining company." He smirked. "And it can be your holiday destination, your break from city-life." 

I rolled my eyes. "I was being serious. Where would you realistically like to live?" 

"I would like to live there. But you're right; it's not realistic. To be honest, I'm one of those people who just go where life takes them. I didn't ever envisage ending up in Italy, and I had an amazing time there." 

"Do you miss it?" I asked him, lifting my glass of wine to my lips to take a sip as I watched him carefully, awaiting his answer with eagerness.  

"Yeah. I miss it a lot. But here's fun, too." 

I laughed at that. "Not exactly Rome, is it?" 

"Are you finished with your meal?" the waiter asked, apparently appearing out of nowhere. Nathan and I had been so caught up in our conversation that I'd forgotten we were still in the restaurant. 

"Yes. Thank you." I smiled quickly. 

When the waiter returned with the bill, I picked up my purse, something that Nathan was quick to notice. 

"I'll get it," he offered. 

"That's what you do on dates." 

"Will you stop trying to turn this into a date?" he teased, shaking his head as he opened his wallet and pulled out a few twenties.  

"Nathan, come on," I said, trying to be reasonable. "You've done enough for me." 

"It was my treat, Bella. I said I wanted to take you out, and now I have. You deserve a treat like this." 

I sighed. It was useless arguing with him. As we began the walk back to the car, Nathan began chatting about tomorrow night's activities. 

"Ice-skating?" I asked sceptically. "Are you serious?" 

"Try to contain your excitement a little more, Bella." 

"I can't ice-skate," I explained.  

"Well, I can. So you're fine." 

"Where has the idea of ice-skating come from?" I asked him. "There isn't even an ice rink near here." 

"It's something new. And it takes intense concentration so you'll be sufficiently distracted. You're never too old to learn a new skill." 

"I'm eighteen. I'm not too old anyway, regardless of the skill!" 

He shrugged. "I think it'll be fun." 

"I'll spend more time sitting on the ice than I'll spend skating on it," I warned him. 

Terrible visions of falling over numerous times and embarrassing myself in front of everyone sprung to mind.

He laughed. "Like I said, it'll be fun." 

"Fun for you when you're laughing at me." 

"Have you enjoyed tonight?" 

"Yes, thank you." 

"And yet you sulked about it for ages. So stop sulking about ice-skating and be open-minded," he suggested. He had a point; I couldn't deny it.  

"Fine," I said, giving in. "I mean it, though, Nathan. Thank you for tonight. It was really great." 

"Anything for you, Bella." 

- 

He had me home for quarter to ten. I paused outside the front door, knowing that Mum was likely to pounce on him as soon as I opened it. 

"Um..." I began awkwardly.  

"Bella, it wasn't a date. Don't initiate the whole scenario where we hover awkwardly, trying to decide whether to kiss or not." 

I ignored his teasing, despite the fact that during the car journey home, I'd been fantasising about kissing Nathan on my doorstep, just like they did in movies. It wasn't so much that I wanted to kiss him, but rather because this had felt like a date. I'd never had a proper date before, one where the guy dropped the girl back off at home and then there was that moment where they decided whether to kiss or not. I guess that was all part of the excitement of dating. I'd never experienced that. 

"I appreciate everything you're doing for me," I told him. "I really do." 

"I know you do. You don't have to keep telling me." He shot me a reassuring smile and squeezed my shoulder in a friendly manner.  

"Yeah, I do. Because I know I can seem ungrateful sometimes." 

"Bella, you just came out of a break-up. You're upset and messed up. You're allowed to shout at me, okay? I'd rather you shouted at me than someone else, because I can take it. And I know you don't mean it, anyway." 

I nodded and rested my head against his solid chest, feeling it rise and expand as he sighed deeply. Faint notes of his spicy cologne blended with the fresh cleanliness of his shirt, and the pleasant smell relaxed me. With a gentle touch, he ran his hand from the top of my head and down the length of my hair before leaving it to hover on my lower back. 

The silk of his tie caressed my cheek like a soothing breeze on a hot summer's day, but the tips of his fingers seared my skin through my sweater, until all of those relaxing sensations evolved into something that brimmed with tension.

Swiftly withdrawing, I busied myself with fumbling through my bag for the front door key. 

"Night." I aimed for a chilled smile, but apparently I failed.

He grabbed my hand, halting me. "Wait." 

I looked at him sceptically. "Are you gonna try to kiss me after all?" I joked, nerves getting the better of me. He let go of my hand at that comment. "Um...that was a joke..."  

"I know. Listen, Bella. I know we're just friends, okay? I'm not gonna try anything. I know how you felt about Matt and I know you're not ready to move on, and even if you did want to move on then it's not necessarily gonna be with me. You don't have to worry that you're leading me on, okay? You don't have to worry about hugging me and thinking you're giving off the wrong impression. I just want to be here for you. You wouldn't think twice about hugging Jess, would you?" 

"No, but, well...Jess is a girl and she doesn't have feelings for me," I mumbled awkwardly. 

"It doesn't change anything," he insisted. "I want to help you." 

"I feel like I'm using you, Nathan. I feel like I'm exploiting your feelings for me." 

"I want to be used. I want to make you feel better. I want to be whatever I can for you." 

Warmth enveloped my heart as my stomach fluttered to the rhythm of his words. 

"It just doesn't seem fair on you." I bowed my head. "You want me to return your feelings. That's the end goal, right?" 

"It's not," he assured me. "In an ideal world, I'd love for that. But there's no way I'm expecting you to return my feelings having just come out of a messy break-up. So, believe me when I say that I just want to be here for you as much as possible, and you don't have to worry about leading me on or anything crazy like that." 

"How did you even know I was worrying about it?" I asked him. 

I'd tried to be subtle, not wanting to offend him, but obviously he'd still noticed it.  

"Because you've been acting weird recently. And I could see Jess scrutinising us at lunch then after I left, I turned back to see the two of you having an intense conversation. Then you started distancing yourself from me. It didn't take an idiot to work out what had been said." 

"She thinks you're a good guy who doesn't deserve to be messed around." 

"You're not messing me around. Now stop worrying so much and get some sleep." 

He brushed a calloused thumb along my jaw and smiled. Unable to stop myself, I returned the smile. Something about him was infectious, almost addictive.  

"I'll see you tomorrow. Bring on the ice," I said, feigning enthusiasm.  

"Looking forward to it already."

--

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