Chapter 16 - "He was lucky to have you."

I didn't notice it had started to go dark until my phone began to ring, distracting me from my train of thought. For a second, I thought it might be Matt trying to get in touch with me, but then I didn't think he'd have the courage to phone me so early on.

Although I wasn't in the mood for polite phone etiquette, I knew I'd been gone a while and I wasn't selfish enough to ignore the call.  

"Where are you?" Nathan asked. 

After spending the last several hours by myself with my thoughts eating away at me, I suddenly realised how much I wanted Nathan's company. He always seemed so wise, and if nothing else he'd be able to reassure me and distract me.  

"You know where the park is? I'm a bit beyond there, sulking under the big tree." 

"Park? Big tree? I should have no trouble finding you." And he put the phone down.

I didn't know whether he was being sarcastic but since he didn't ask for more directions, I left him to it. I shouldn't have doubted his ability to find me. He turned up less than five minutes later and sat down beside me. Before he'd even said a word, his arm immediately went around my shoulders, pulling me closer. It was comforting, and there was no doubt I needed the comfort, but it only made me start crying again as I nuzzled my head into his chest.  

"You know, I could tell you a number of things. I could say he's not worth it. That both of them aren't worth it. I could say you're better off knowing now so you don't give him the pleasure of your companionship for another year, since he doesn't deserve that. I could say this is the out you needed from a messed up relationship, a relationship where you valued him more than he valued you. But it's pointless saying those things. Because they won't make it hurt any less." 

I wiped my eyes and looked at him. "You're right. Yet that's what everyone will be saying in the next few days. Or weeks. Or months." 

"Yeah, because people will think that'll make you feel better. It only makes you feel better about breaking up, though. It doesn't ease the pain." 

"You knew. How long did you know for?" 

He sighed. "I suspected something at that first party. I saw the way Katrina was watching the two of you. She literally looked like she was in pain. Obviously she thought nobody had noticed her watching you, and I came to the conclusion that she didn't like the two of you together. I didn't know whether it was because she fancied Matt or for some other reason." 

"So, you asked her and she just confessed?" I frowned, finding that very hard to believe.  

"Eventually." 

"Eventually?" 

"Well, when the two of you left, she kind of shook her head to herself and went to get another drink. I asked her what was up and she just made some comment about how you deserved better than Matt. She was getting gradually drunker, and ten minutes later she confessed everything. I think she'd been waiting a long time to get it off her chest. What she did was wrong—there's no denying it—but she feels so guilty. Of course, I had no sympathy whatsoever." 

"Did you just leave?" I asked, wiping away some tears with the back of my left hand. 

"Pretty much, yeah," he replied with a big sigh. Then he took another deep breath before continuing. "You know, it was at that party that I realised I cared about you more than I should have done. I didn't know you that well, and I admit that part of the initial attraction was the fact you blew me off so easily, but once I'd found out that your boyfriend had cheated on you...it made me so angry that someone would do that to you...treat you in that way..." 

"And you took me out the next day," I stated, already feeling much calmer.  

"Yeah. Kat phoned me later that night. She explained that the reason she wanted you to break up was because of the cheating. I agreed that you shouldn't be with someone who cheated, but I wasn't going to actively tell you to break up. So I just tried to make you see things from a different point of view. We weren't going behind your back, and I'd never conspire with Kat. I just wanted what was best for you." 

We sat together in silence for a little while, each occupied with our own thoughts. Nathan's presence was already making me feel a touch better, although the pain still gnawed a hole in my heart. 

Part of me wished I'd known sooner, but the other part of me wished I hadn't found out at all. That pretty much summed up the relationship; I'd spent so much of it in denial and ignoring the bad parts, simply because I didn't want to acknowledge them. I wanted to be with Matt, and the easiest way to do that was by overlooking everything that was wrong in the relationship, and focusing solely on the good aspects instead.  

Nathan pressed a gentle kiss to the top of my head. The tender gesture sent a wave of comfort rippling through me, the intimacy soothing the painful ache.  

"I can't imagine how much you're hurting, Bella. But if it's any consolation, just remember that Matt said no. He was good enough to say no to her." 

"Don't, Nathan. I know you think that makes me feel better, but I don't want to think about Matt being good. I just want to hate him." 

"Sometimes that doesn't help, though. You'll only end up resenting yourself for caring so much about a person you now hate." 

"I just need time. It's still a shock. I never thought he'd..." I faded away. I couldn't finish the sentence. Of course I never thought he'd cheat; in my own little world he was the perfect boyfriend.  

"If you're thankful of anything that comes out of this, be thankful that you've got rid of him now. He was lucky to have you. And now he's lost you rather than being so lucky as to have another year of you." 

"But what about me?" I asked. "I've lost the person I care most about." 

"You'll find someone else," he assured me. "I know you probably don't even want to think about that right now, but you will. And once you've found him, you'll realise how much better things can be." 

"Thank you, Nathan," I said, rearranging my head on his shoulder and closing my eyes.  

"What for?" 

"Just for being here."  

"Jess is really worried." 

"Did Jess know?" I asked curiously.  

He sighed. "She knew something had gone down between the two of them. She didn't know the specifics. I don't think she wanted to know. You know what she's like; she wouldn't have known what to do. She would have felt it was her duty to be honest with you, but like everyone else she really did not want to hurt you." 

"What did I do to deserve this?" I murmured. 

I'd been so good to Matt; I'd genuinely tried to be the best girlfriend I could be. Was that not enough?  

"Hey," he said, lifting me from his shoulder and turning me so I was facing him. "Absolutely none of this is your fault, okay? The only thing you're guilty of is caring about someone who didn't deserve you." 

I wiped my eyes. No matter how hard I tried, the pain just wouldn't go away. Every time I thought it was starting to subside, it would suddenly rush back with a vengeance, subjecting my mind to a new influx of distress.  

"It hurts, Nathan."  

It was a stupid thing to say, since it was so obvious that I was hurting. But I said it anyway, because I felt compelled to.  

"Think of it as a life experience, Bella," he said quietly, running a hand gently through my hair, his eyes still focusing intently on mine. "If you can get through this heartbreak, nobody else will be able to hurt you. You'll come out of this stronger." 

"I feel like the weakest person ever at the moment," I said, ashamed to be admitting it when I normally tried so hard to be strong around Nathan.  

"Of course you do," he said. "That's natural. It'll pass over time. Time heals everything; that's what they say, isn't it?" 

"How did you get so wise? Did Italy teach you all of this?" 

He laughed, a soft melodic sound that washed over me, bringing instant calmness with it. 

"No. I've just been on the other side of it. I've seen people get hurt. I've seen them bounce back stronger. One day you'll realise just how badly he's been treating you. And then you'll almost be thankful of this because it was this that forced you out of the relationship." 

"I just keep seeing them both together." 

"That's natural," he reassured me again. "What you need is a distraction." 

"A distraction like what?" 

"Are you coming to the party this weekend?" 

I gave him a look of disbelief. "Are you kidding? I'm not in the mood to party, Nathan." 

"When people say that, it's the exact reason that they need to party." 

I scoffed. "Whatever. I'd rather stay at home."  

"Consider it an intervention, then." 

"I'm not going to a party." I said firmly.  

"Yes, you are. And you're going to hold your head up high and pretend like none of this bothers you." 

"That's impossible." 

"It's not until Friday night. That's four days for all of this to sink in and for you to process it. By Friday you'll be ready to just let off some steam." 

"What if Matt's there?" I asked. Just the thought of seeing Matt made me feel queasy.

"Even better. Show him how you're coping without him." 

"I'm not coping." 

"Seeing is believing, Bella." 

"Hmm..."  

"And then I'll take you out to dinner tomorrow night...you can do something with Jess on Wednesday..." 

"Maybe I just want to stay at home and think it over?" I told him. "This is a big deal and I need time to process it and—" 

"No, Bella," he interrupted. "There's nothing to think over. Thinking just messes you up. This is factual, okay? He cheated on you. He lied to you. You broke up with him. You deserve better. He's a dick. Move on." 

"That's so cruel, Nathan," I murmured. "And harsh. I don't need to hear things like that right now." 

"Well sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind," he shrugged, standing up. He held out his hand as an offer to help me up but I refused to acknowledge it, staring ahead. Upon noticing this, he reached down, grabbed my elbow, and pulled me up to my feet instead.  

I stumbled; I'd been sitting down for so long that my legs had gone to sleep and weren't used to suddenly having to support my body.  

"Come on," he said in encouragement. "Enough sulking. It's time for tough love. I'll take you home."  

I didn't want tough love. I couldn't handle it. Suddenly, I just wanted to be alone to deal with the issue in my own personal way, without anybody else's interference.  

"I can walk," I muttered.  

"I said I'll take you home." 

"I don't want you to take me home. I want to walk, Nathan."  

He was trying to help and I didn't know why I was resenting his company all of a sudden when he'd only been trying to support me. Having people pity me just rubbed salt in the wound, though, and even if Nathan wasn't actively showing pity, I knew he secretly was.

"You don't want to be alone." 

"I do! I just want to be left where I can figure this out and absorb it all." 

"I'm driving you home, Bella. You're not gonna walk in this state. You'll end up walking into the road or something because you're not concentrating." 

"I don't need supervising, Nathan," I muttered through gritted teeth. "I can look after myself. I'm a big girl." 

"And you're messed up at the moment—" 

"And you're pissing me off!" I cried in frustration, throwing my arms up in the air. "Just leave me alone, okay? Stop interfering. Stop trying to do the good thing for once and just...just..."  

I burst into tears again, unable to finish my angry sentence. My mind was all over the place and I felt like I was on some kind of roller coaster where each bend and drop brought on a new, unpredictable set of emotions.  

Nathan sighed deeply. Dropping the tough love act, he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly against his body. I cried into his chest, gripping the back of his shirt with all my strength.  

He stroked my hair gently. "I know you feel like you have to deal with this alone, Bella, but you really don't. Sometimes a friend can make all the difference." 

"I just feel that distractions won't help," I admitted, leaning back to wipe my eyes. "They'll distract me and make me temporarily forget...but then I'll just remember again and it will all come flooding back and..." 

"Wouldn't you rather remember infrequently than think about it constantly?" 

I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted that Matt hadn't cheated on me. That would be good. I wanted to feel nothing. I wanted all memory of him erased so it wouldn't hurt anymore, and so that I didn't keep thinking about the good times. Those things weren't possible, though.  

"Come on." Nathan wrapped an arm around my shoulder and led me to his car. 

Reluctantly, I gave up protesting; he was probably right about it not being safe for me to walk home when I was feeling so hysterical.  

I frowned upon noticing Nathan's car. "Nathan...you parked on a double yellow line. You can't do that. Don't they have double yellow lines in Italy or something?" 

"I am aware of the Highway Code, Bella," he smiled. "But I couldn't be bothered to find a proper parking space and I knew you were here upset...I didn't really care about the double yellow lines." 

"But you could be fined!" 

"Life is more exciting with a little risk. Haven't I told you that before?" 

"How is being fined exciting?" 

He sighed and smiled. "Ah, Bella. You just don't get it. Hop in, before the police catch me."  

I scowled at his patronising tone but climbed into the front of his car nonetheless. Nathan talked constantly the whole way home. It wasn't even like I could just sit and let him talk, though, because he asked questions that required complicated answers. I knew he was just trying to distract me but my mind inevitably kept going back to Matt and Katrina, conjuring up images of them together, just to torture me.  

"Nathan?" I asked tepidly, once there was a break in conversation. "Can I ask a favour?" 

"Anything for you, Bella." 

I rolled my eyes at his standard answer but continued anyway. "Can you speak to Kat and tell her not to contact me? I know she'll want to apologise and try to explain...but I'm not ready to talk to her yet." 

"Of course. Want me to do the same with Matt?" 

I sighed. "I'd say yes...only he wouldn't listen to you." 

"Listen to me? Who said anything about listening? There are other ways to stop him contacting you." 

"I don't even want to imagine..." 

"Nothing complicated, of course. And nothing illegal; don't panic." 

"Well I wouldn't put it past you..." 

"Your opinion of me hurts, Bella." He smirked, shooting me a glance from the driver's seat.  

I knew it was wrong, but part of me almost wanted Matt to get in touch. I wanted to hear that he did actually love me and he did care about me. But I knew that would make things harder. Whether he'd loved me or not, he'd still cheated on me. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I couldn't take him back after that, regardless of his alleged feelings.  

"So I'll pick you up at seven tomorrow?" 

"Seven?" My eyes darted across to him. "What for?" 

"Our meal." 

"Oh, Nathan... I really don't..." 

"Come on now, Bella. It's not a date. It's just two friends going for a meal." 

"No, I didn't mean it like that...I just don't feel up to it." 

"Okay, I'll book a table anyway and then you can decide tomorrow whether you feel up to it or not." 

I heaved out a tired sigh. "Where are you thinking?" 

"It's a surprise," he whispered playfully, as if I were a child.  

"Fine." 

"Don't sulk. I'm trying to be nice." 

He said it light-heartedly and I knew he hadn't actually been offended, but it made me reconsider my actions. Was I being ungrateful?  

"Look, Nathan... I know I've been a bit of a bitch—" 

"You haven't." 

"No, just listen a minute. You've been nothing but kind this past hour. And I've treated you horribly. I haven't been grateful. I've shouted at you, talked continuously about myself... You're really good to put up with me and..." 

He sighed as my sentence faded away into nothing, and reached across the car to squeeze my hand. "You've had a bad day. You'd have to be stone-hearted not to be messed up over what happened. I haven't taken offence and I haven't taken anything you've said to me too literally. You're upset; I know you're upset. And I'm here for you because you're upset. Okay?" 

I nodded, my eyes watering again. It wasn't because of Matt this time, but rather because I was touched by Nathan's actions. He hadn't walked away when I'd told him to. He had stuck by me because he knew that even though it wasn't what I wanted, it was what I needed.  

My mind wandered back to Matt; I couldn't imagine him ever doing that. He'd get pissed off and walk away. Then I thought back to Nathan again. I couldn't imagine Nathan getting pissed off and walking away. This is exactly what he'd meant when he said that once I was out of the relationship, I'd start realizing how much better it could have been. For the first time that day, I felt slightly better about the fact I was no longer in a messed-up relationship. And I also knew that the more time I spent around Nathan, the more I'd discover. That was his intention all along. I'd been in denial for such a long time. Now it was time to step out of that denial and pull myself together. Life's too short to mope about guys who treat you badly, when perfectly decent ones are right in front of you, ready to pick up the pieces.

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