Chapter 15 - "I already hate you."

If I hadn't overheard the conversation between Nathan and Katrina, then I wouldn't have known something was going on. Everyone was acting normally. Jess wasn't behaving like she felt guilty for knowing a secret. Nathan wasn't being hostile towards Kat. Kat was being her usual chirpy, chatty self. Matt was still being, well, Matt.  

When he'd said 'the end of the week', I wasn't sure whether Nathan had meant Friday or Sunday. Since I was still yet to hear any form of a confession by Friday, I guessed he was giving her until Sunday.  

Matt text me most nights and we had lengthy conversations that went on for hours. He was being completely normal with me, no hint of guilt whatsoever. When he came over on Saturday night, I tried to encourage it out of him.  

"You trust me right, Matt?" I asked quietly.  

"Of course. I trust you more than anyone. Why?" 

"You know you can tell me anything," I said, twisting to look at him. He frowned, almost in confusion.

"Is everything okay?" 

"I don't know," I murmured, trying to keep a poker face. "Kat's acting weird...Nathan's acting weird...Everyone's acting weird. I feel like they know something I don't." 

Nobody actually was acting weird but if I was going to hear this secret from somebody, I wanted it to be Matt. I wanted to believe he was good enough to tell me.  

"I'm sure you're just being paranoid," he said. "Everyone seemed fine to me."  

"I'd just hate to think you're all keeping something from me. I just thought, you know, if you knew, then you respect me enough to let me know what's going on. You've always been honest with me. It's one of the things I like the most about you." 

"Iz, seriously, nothing is going on," he assured me, squeezing my hand. "I don't know what you're worried about." 

I sighed and rested my head against his shoulder. "But you'd tell me if there was?" 

"You know I would. I share everything with you. You're like my other half." 

I closed my eyes, my heart twisting in pain. Like his other half? That was like saying we belonged together. Firstly, he clearly didn't believe that since he was planning to break up with me before university. And secondly, I suspected that Matt had betrayed me in some form, which you certainly wouldn't do to your 'other half'.  

"Just stop thinking about it," he said quietly, kissing the top of my head. "I'm sure everything's fine." 

I snuggled closer and attempted to relax. Even though I knew it was unhealthy, I tried to block out all my worries and make the most of being close to Matt for one more night. After all, if something had happened, this would most probably be our last evening together. I wanted to cherish that and make the most of it, not knowing when I'd next feel this close to somebody.

-

When Monday rolled around, I'd still heard nothing. Despite my intense feelings of denial, I knew I couldn't carry on like this and I hoped Katrina was going to confess today. It wasn't like I wanted to know for sure, but it was better than sitting around, thinking up my own scenarios. Something had obviously happened, and now that I was aware of it, I wanted to know. I needed to know. Lunch would have been the obvious time but when I got to the table neither Katrina nor Nathan was there.  

"Where is everyone?" I asked Jess. Glancing across to Matt's table, I noticed that he wasn't there, either.  

"On their way, I think," she replied.  

For a second, I considered questioning Jess but then decided that wouldn't be fair. She'd feel guilty either way and I didn't want to be the person who brought on that guilt; Jess had been nothing but a good friend to me for many years and the last thing I wanted was to put her in an awkward position.

"You aren't eating much," she noted, nodding at my plate full of food.  

"I'm not hungry," I said, which was the truth. I was too nervous to eat.  

Matt then entered the room; he glanced at me, shot me a quick smile, and then sat down at his usual table. I watched as he immediately engaged in normal conversation with his friends, like nothing was wrong. Had I imagined the conversation? How could everybody act so ordinarily if Nathan was so infuriated by whatever he'd found out? It had to be a big deal, surely?  

"Afternoon, Gang," Nathan said cheerfully, sitting himself down next to Jess and immediately tearing the straw from off the side of his orange carton.  

I said nothing but continued stirring my yoghurt, purely for something to do to distract myself. This was eating away at me, and the longer I waited, the worse I felt.  

"Where's Kat?" Jess asked.  

"She's on her way," Nathan replied breezily. "You know what she's like. She had to do her make-up first. Then she'll probably bump into some guy she's sleeping with and spend some time with him—" 

"When will she be here?" I interrupted. "Because I could really do with a chat." 

Nathan looked relatively surprised, either at my interruption or my tone of voice. He licked his lips slowly, almost in anxiety, as he regarded me.  

"What about?" he asked, in a conversational tone, but there was pure curiosity behind his words; I could tell by the way his voice raised to a higher pitch at the end of the question.  

"Something Matt told me yesterday," I answered vaguely with a shrug.  

I wasn't going to wait around any longer. Now was time to play around a little, to see which one of them cracked first.  

Nathan continued to watch me intently. "Oh yeah? What's that?" 

I shrugged again and looked back down at my full plate of food. "It's something I need to discuss with Katrina really." 

I could still feel his eyes on me but eventually he just shrugged. "Fair enough," he said lightly, and then he dug into his own food.  

Ten minutes later, Kat bounced into the cafeteria. She smiled brightly at us, something that made me feel even sicker, but her make-up was smudged around her eyes. She'd been crying. I decided to make her job easier for her—not for her benefit, but for mine. 

"Hey, Kat? Could I talk to you for two seconds?" 

She tensed and I didn't miss the look she exchanged with Nathan. He held up his hands. "Don't look at me. She's been waiting for you since before I got here." 

"Yeah, sure," she said to me.  

I stood up and she followed me out into the corridor. There were still people milling around so I kept walking until we found an empty classroom and then shut the door after ourselves. She looked at me, clearly nervous.  

"What did you need to talk about?" she asked, wringing her hands together. 

Her whole body language screamed awkwardness; I knew she'd done something wrong and I could tell that simply by looking at her. I just really hoped that she'd have at least enough decency and respect for me to own up to it.  

I leant backwards against the door. "I was going to ask you the same question," I said to her. "You need to tell me something, right?" 

"Did Nathan tell you that?"

I shook my head and told another lie. "Matt did."  

Her eyebrows shot up. "Matt told you that I needed to talk to you?" 

"Yeah. He said it was important but that you should be the one to tell me. So, are you gonna tell me? Or are you gonna carry on walking around like everything's fine?" 

She was quiet for a bit, staring at the floor, and I could tell she was fighting back the tears again.  

"Firstly," she said quietly, swallowing hard. "I want you to know that the reason I didn't tell you earlier, was because I didn't want to hurt you." 

"You don't think keeping secrets from me would hurt?" 

"Not if you didn't ever find out," she mumbled.  

"Tell me what happened," I instructed. "And tell me the truth, Katrina, because I swear to God—" 

"Okay," she said quickly, glancing up at me. "Okay. It was in the summer. You were on holiday... Matt and I were at a party, I don't remember whose party it was...it may have been Cassandra from the year below—" 

"Not important." 

She swallowed. "Yeah. So...we'd had a lot to drink, and there weren't many of our friends there so we were sort of hanging out together... I'd had way too much and I'd started thinking about Ed... I ended up telling Matt all about it. And it was, like, the first time I'd talked about it since it happened. He could see I was getting upset about it so we went upstairs where it was quieter and we could talk properly. I just kept saying about how I couldn't believe he'd done it, and he'd made me feel worthless and..." 

She was close to tears again and I could see she was finding it really hard not to cry. I knew it wasn't put on; Ed was the only subject that could draw this emotion out of her. I'd also seen how she was when she'd told me about it, and she was just as upset back then.  

She swallowed and took a deep breath. "He was really good to me. He made me feel better. He told me I wasn't worthless and that what Ed had done was wrong and it wasn't my fault... I don't know what happened. I was touched by everything he'd said and how nice he was being. I was drunk. I wasn't thinking properly...all I could think about was how one guy had betrayed me, and another guy was sitting right here, being unnecessarily kind to me." 

"So what did you do?" I asked slowly. I knew what was coming. I just needed to hear her say it.  

"I kissed him."  

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Don't panic yet. I needed all the facts. My stomach was still contorting, though, twisting in discomfort.  

"Did he kiss you back?" I asked her, trying to remain calm, but my voice was shaking.  

She looked in pain again, like she was deliberating over whether to tell me the truth. Her eyes were flickering all over the room as she held back the tears, looking everywhere but actually at me.  

"Katrina, please. If you want to make it up to me, the only way you can even start that is by telling me the truth." 

"Yeah," she said eventually. "He kissed me back." 

I perched on the edge of a desk, suddenly feeling sick. The whole room seemed to be spinning. How could Matt betray me like that? Did I mean nothing to him? Had everyone been right along? Had everyone known?  

"What then?" I asked. I didn't need to know more. He'd cheated. I didn't have to know to what extent. But I felt like I needed to. I had to know all the facts in order to move on from this, if I was ever able to. "You were upstairs, alone. What happened? Did you sleep together?" 

I couldn't look at her. I could only look at the floor. It was the only way I could keep my stomach in check; I was thankful not to have eaten anything for lunch.  

"N-no." 

I looked at her then, sensing the hesitation behind her reply. "Why do I get the impression you're lying?" 

She shuffled uncomfortably. Maybe she'd have preferred me to yell at her. But I couldn't. I didn't have the energy to yell. I couldn't do anything.  

"I'm not lying." Her eyes shifted across the room. "I swear to God we didn't sleep together. I promise you, Izzy." 

"But?" 

"But..." She swallowed again, building up courage. "We almost did." 

"Almost?" I repeated. "What does that even mean?" 

"You're gonna hate me, Izzy..." 

"I already hate you," I muttered, my body now trembling with an emotion that I couldn't place. "The only way I could hate you less would be if you were totally honest with me. I'm giving you a lifeline, Katrina." 

She wiped her eyes, smudging mascara half way across her cheek. It left a trail of black, and yet she still looked attractive. I was overcome by a wave of resentment for my supposed best friend. She was upset, and she still looked good. Why was I even surprised Matt had gone there? Everyone would go there. I was nothing compared to her.  

"I asked him," Kat replied to my question. "I was drunk, overcome with affection because of how nice he'd treated me. And I asked him if he wanted to. I don't know why I did it. I know I sound like a bitch, but you didn't even enter my head. All I could think about was how nice Matt had been in comparison to what a dick Ed was. And I needed a nice guy. I needed to be with someone nice and considerate, to balance all the other screwed up relationships I've had." 

"And Matt was good enough to say no?" I asked bitterly.  

"Yeah," she said quietly. "As soon as I asked, it was like his conscience caught up with him. He backed off immediately and said it wasn't fair on you." 

Wasn't fair on me? Not that it would be wrong, or that he didn't want to. Just that it wouldn't be fair. My mind suddenly felt numb, and all I could do was ask more questions.  

"So in between the kissing and the almost sleeping together, what happened?" 

She looked awkward. I didn't know why I was asking or why I was torturing myself even more. It just felt like if I was going to be upset about this, I needed to know all the facts.  

"Don't look so awkward," I snapped, finally cracking. "Sex is pretty much all you talk about! It's not like it's a taboo topic for you!" 

"Nothing really happened, Izzy... It was just making out, fooling around..." 

"I need to know what he did to you." 

"I swear he didn't do much. He barely touched me. He just kissed me back. I tried to do stuff to him but... I don't know. He seemed uncomfortable about it and I didn't want him to reject me so..." 

"How long was this going on for?" 

"I don't know. I wasn't counting. And I was drunk—" 

"Approximately." 

She stared out across the room again, wrapping her arms around her body; I'd never seen her look so uncomfortable. "Five minutes? Ten minutes?" she estimated.  

So it wasn't a quick, drunken mistake. It was a prolonged, drunken mistake. He'd kissed her back for a good ten minutes. During those ten minutes, he'd probably acknowledged he was cheating on me, but didn't actually say anything until Kat had suggested sex.

"Izzy, I am so sorry. Honestly, you have no idea—" 

"If you were truly sorry then you'd have told me before now. You wouldn't have waited until Nathan blackmailed you into telling me." 

She looked astounded, her eyes widening in shock. "He told you?" 

I shook my head. "I overheard your conversation last week. I suppose I'd sort of worked it out from that, but wanted to see if you'd tell me yourself." 

"The reason I've been so anti-Matt recently is because of this." 

"Because you were jealous?" 

"No! Because I didn't think it at the time, but then when I was sober, I realized what I'd done. You're still my best friend, Izzy, and although I didn't treat you like one, I couldn't bear to see you with Matt after what he'd done. It made me feel sick to see the two of you together, knowing what he'd done to you." 

"But you weren't gonna tell me." 

"No because I knew it would hurt you. And I knew how much you cared about him. So I thought if you split up with him for a different reason, then it would mean you weren't together, but you didn't have to find out about him cheating, either."  

I kept silent, my eyes fixed on the floor. No matter how much she justified it, or sugar-coated it, the pain still remained.  

"And then Jess mentioned about how you were going to split up for university and I thought...if you're gonna split up anyway then why should I tell you he'd cheated? Why cause you unnecessary pain?" 

"Because by not telling me, you were essentially lying to me," I stated, before heading towards the door, surprised that I was able to move, but knowing I couldn't stay in her company any longer.  

"I'm so sorry, Izzy," she sobbed, the tears finally falling.  

"Doesn't anywhere near make up for it," I muttered. "And you know the ironic thing? You were upset at that party because of how Ed cheated on you. You went to Matt for comfort, he helped make you feel better, and then you both went and did the same thing to me." 

Before she could reply, I pulled open the door and left the room. I couldn't look at her any longer. Matt was my boyfriend, and the fact he'd cheated hurt a lot. But Kat had been my best friend for years. Whose betrayal was worse?  

I tried to keep hold of my composure as I went back to the dining area. But I didn't head for our table, even though I could feel Nathan scrutinising me. I headed straight for Matt.  

"Matt, a word?" I asked shortly.  

He glanced up at me, halfway through a game of cards. "Sure. Just let me finish this game." 

"Now," I said firmly. "It's important." 

The guys at the table started a chorus of "ooh"s, laughing and glancing up at me. I wasn't in the mood for their immature attitude.  

"Someone's in the dog house," Jimmy joked.  

Matt put down his cards and followed me out, ignoring the rest of his friends. I didn't even wait for an empty classroom. The corridors were quieter now and I wanted to get this out of the way.

"What's up?" he asked, placing a hand on my back. 

I tore his hand away from me and he took a step back, eyes widening.  

"Katrina. You and Katrina. That's what's up." 

He laughed softly, not grasping what I was actually saying. "You know we don't get on. I didn't realize it was such a big deal." 

"Well, you seemed to be getting on pretty well when you hooked up last summer," I snapped, angry that he'd deliberately avoided my actual meaning. Had he spent so long concealing the truth from me that now it never occurred to him that I'd know? 

"What? That's crazy. Who told you that?" 

"Don't lie to me!" The anger finally erupted from within me, and I no longer cared if anyone saw or overhead. It overpowered any other feelings of embarrassment that could arise from being noticed having an argument with my boyfriend. "I know, okay? So drop the act!" 

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Can we talk about this privately?" he asked, glancing up and down the corridor for any onlookers.  

I shook my head. The tears had finally started to fall, the emotions catching up with me.  

"No. Because you'll spin me some bullshit story about how you care about me so much and how drunk you were...the fact is that you cheated on me, with my best friend, and then didn't tell me about it. I don't want to know anything more than that before it clouds my judgement of you because, for months, my judgement of you has been clouded. People have told me you're not worth it and that I can do better. But I defended you. I guess they were all right and I was the one who was too naïve to see it." 

"Iz, please," he murmured, grabbing my hand as I went to walk away. I yanked it free.  

"Do me a favour and don't ever talk to me again. At least that way I'll be able to get over you quicker." 

Rather than return to the diner, I went outside and kept walking until I found somewhere private to sit and cry. All the emotions I'd been holding in while talking to Kat flooded out.

I lost track of how much time was passing; all I could think about was the betrayal. I'd believed Matt cared. I thought about his birthday and how special it had been, how special he'd made me feel. Then I thought about the times we'd slept together. It made me feel sick. He'd slept with me, even after kissing my best friend. How could he bring himself to do that? And then I thought about his birthday evening, and what I'd done to him. And I almost was sick. How could I give him that pleasure? He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve anything.  

I pulled my knees up to my chest, hugging them close to me. I didn't keep track of the time or worry that my parents might be wondering where I was. I simply sat against the tree, unable to think of anything other than the intense betrayal that I'd felt, brought on by the two people who were supposed to be closest to me.

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Thank you for reading :)xx