Chapter 14 - "How can you be so selfish?"

By the time it was morning, I was still sulking. I woke up with that strange feeling of dread, where you knew something was wrong but you couldn't think what. A few moments later, I remembered the conversation with Matt about long distance. 

I rolled over in bed and groaned into my pillow, wanting to block out all my conflicting emotions; I didn't want to have to think about it, or make a decision about it. In a twisted way, I almost wanted to go back twenty four hours and never have the conversation, so that I could remain blissfully ignorant.  

Since I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with Kat this morning, I met up with Jess instead, and spilt my heart out to her. She listened patiently, like the good friend she was.  

"And I just don't know what to do. Because breaking up now seems the sensible option...but then I wouldn't be able to deal with seeing him with other people. And it sort of feels like we should make the most of the last year we'll have together...but if breaking up is gonna be hard anyway...am I better doing it now and getting it out of the way, or putting it off?" 

She waited until she was certain I'd finished talking. Jess was patient, wise and sensitive—pretty much the exact opposite of Kat—and I would take her advice seriously, whatever she had to say.  

"Okay, Izzy, first of all, the whole breaking up thing," she began. "If he doesn't want to go long distance then is he really worth it? You deserve someone who doesn't want to give you up. It's completely his loss. You're beautiful and you're an amazing girl; Matt has been so lucky to have had you for so long. Hell knows he hasn't deserved you at times, the way he's acted." 

I nodded. "I do realise that, Jess. But it doesn't affect how I feel. This is my main problem." 

She nodded in sensitive understanding. "I can't lie to you. Breaking up is going to be hard. You've been together a year and you've been best friends for longer than that. It'll be weird not being together. It will be unfamiliar. But you will get over it." 

"It doesn't feel that way at the moment." 

"Well, it won't. Of course it won't. But all it takes is one guy to show you just how good things could be and how Matt could have treated you better than he is doing." 

"I think it just hurts, you know... He doesn't even want to try. He doesn't think our relationship is worth it." 

"It will hurt. But anyone who doesn't want to try to be with you doesn't deserve you. You'll find someone one day, probably at university, who will go out of their way and beyond just to be with you. They'll worship you; every girl deserves to be worshipped." 

"What do you suggest I do?" I asked her, looking up to meet her eye. "Break up now? Or later?" 

"Don't break up now. At least not this week. Let your mind process everything; it's kind of a shock. But if you break up now, you'll only end up regretting it. Let everything sink in and figure out what you want. Or what you need. Then make a decision. Okay?" 

I smiled. "Thanks." 

"And now Matt knows how you feel about it, he might rethink things." 

"I doubt it. He was pretty set on it." 

She shrugged. "You can only see how it goes."  

The shrill sound of bell rang through the room, echoing off the walls. I stood up to head to my first class. 

"Thanks, Jess. I'll see you at lunch." 

"Bell?" she called as I went to turn. I turned back and saw her giving me a sad, almost worried look. "Just...just don't let him mess you around, okay? You don't deserve that. He needs you more than you need him, yeah? Just remember that." 

I smiled tightly and nodded. Matt needed me more than I needed him? What was that supposed to mean? Surely it was the opposite considering the nature of our relationship? I was always going out of my way for him, yet he often cancelled on me for no good reason. Clearly he didn't need me that much.  

-

The morning passed quickly, until I had the lesson before lunch with Kat. She still had her stress-head on and was currently telling me about a text conversation she'd had with Tommy last night. As much as the conversation was tiring, Kat's problems were a welcome distraction from my own.  

"Do you usually text him?" I asked, genuinely curious. "Because if you're texting him a lot, then it may give off the impression that you're interested." 

"No. Not usually. And it's only ever filthy stuff, like—" 

"Don't need to know, Kat," I said.  

"Well, anyway, so we were sexting, and then—wait, you do know what sexting is, don't you?" 

"Give me some credit. Of course I do." 

"Yeah, I bet Matt and you do it all the time. So yeah, we were doing that and then he made this comment. He said he'd do anything for me." 

I waited for the punch line. It didn't arrive. Kat was staring at me expectantly, obviously waiting for me to give my analysis.  

"Is that it?" I asked.  

"What do you mean 'is that it'? That's a big deal, Izzy!" 

I frowned. "Kat, you were sex texting—" 

"Sexting." 

"Whatever. And then he says he'll do anything for you. I highly doubt he meant it in a romantic way. I'm sure it was meant in a more sexual way." 

"Yeah, but what if he meant it romantically and wanted to see my reaction?" 

"Well, how did you react?" 

"I don't know. I said I'd look forward to it or something. I can't remember. Why am I reading into everything so much? Why do I care? I hate caring. Maybe I should stop seeing him." 

"That won't happen." 

Her eyebrows shot up, lips parting. "Okay, I know I have needs, Isobel, but saying I won't be able to help myself is going a little bit far. I'm not a sex-addict." 

I sighed in exhaustion. I hadn't slept much last night because I'd been worrying about Matt, and this conversation was beginning to take its toll on me.  

"That's not what I meant," I told her. "You're one of those people who always want what they can't have. Once you tell yourself that you're going to stop seeing Tommy, you'll immediately start craving him. You'll become obsessed with him and you'll grow jealous of every girl who goes within a ten metre radius of him." 

She huffed slightly, which she always does when she knows I'm right. "Well I've got English after lunch so I'll just see how that goes." 

Luckily that was the end of the Tommy-related conversation. In a way, at least if she was obsessing over Tommy, then she wasn't lecturing me over Matt. It was the lesser of two evils.  

When we were heading to lunch, she suddenly grabbed my arm, pulling me to a halt in the middle of the corridor.  

"Meet you there? I just remembered I need to do something." 

And before I could answer, she'd disappeared into the crowd of students who were flocking towards the dining area. I sighed to myself, seriously doubting that she'd be joining us at lunch. Whenever she said that she needed 'to do something', it usually ended up taking the whole hour. 

Just as I was about to join the crowds, I noticed Nathan heading out of the building. Why was he going outside and not to the dining area to eat lunch with us?  

Curiosity got the better of me, and so I decided to accidentally-on-purpose bump into him and have a casual conversation in which I could question where he was going, without sounding suspicious. However, it took a while for me to get from where I was to the doors, due to the sheer amount of people. I had to weave through the crowd and by the time I'd got to the doors, I didn't hold much hope of finding Nathan.  

Sure enough, he was nowhere in sight. I scanned the car park but it was mostly empty apart from the odd few people getting into their cars to drive out of school for lunch. Just as I was about to head back inside, I heard voices coming from around the corner, voices I recognised.  

"I don't know how you can live with yourself!" The voice was hushed, but it was definitely Nathan's.  

"I can't, okay? Isn't that punishment enough? Why do you have to keep drilling it into me to do the right thing? There is no right thing to do!"  

And that voice was Kat's. Realization struck me; it was Nathan she'd seen. He was the person who she needed to talk to. It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was a private conversation, one that I shouldn't be eavesdropping on. But for that reason, I couldn't draw myself away.  

"Telling the truth is the right thing to do," Nathan then said.  

"And end up hurting her?" Kat whined with desperation.  

"Things like this end up coming out, Katrina." 

"Seriously, Nathan, it was not a big deal." 

"Do you think she's gonna be of the same opinion?" he replied shortly.  

My heart thumped inside my chest. Were they talking about me? What had happened? My feet glued themselves to the concrete, rendering me unable to turn around and walk away.

"No which is why she's better off not knowing," Kat then said hurriedly. "It will be blown out of proportion—" 

"Did you listen to a word Jess said this morning?" Nathan snapped angrily. "God, you make me so...so...how can you be so selfish?"  

"I'm not being selfish! It's not about me, okay?" 

"It was selfish in the first place!" he shouted, and I jumped in fright. I'd never heard Nathan raise his voice; he was usually so calm and collected. 

"Look," Kat murmured, lowering her voice. I strained to hear but she spoke quietly, her voice shaking as though she was fighting back tears. "I know how it feels, okay? It's happened to me in the past. Only much worse. And it pretty much destroyed me. I can't do that to her. If what Jess has said is true, then why tell her? They'll be breaking up at some point anyway." 

I'd pretty much assumed they'd been talking about me, but now I was certain. Even if I'd wanted to move, I couldn't. Something had happened. Something that affected me. Nathan knew. Kat knew. Jess possibly knew, too. Was I the only one who didn't know?  

"Nathan, please...don't tell her. The only thing worse than her finding out, is finding out from someone other than me." 

"Then tell her yourself," he muttered. "You want them to split up so badly? Go and ensure it." 

"I want them to split up because of this!" 

"To ease your guilt," he stated.  

"It's not just my fault!" Her voice became progressively higher and more desperate. I'd only ever seen Kat in this state once before. And that was after the Ed Incident.  

"Do you really think he'd tell her?" Nathan snapped. "He's nowhere near decent enough to tell her. And he's far too selfish. She deserves better. She deserves better than both of you." 

"Nathan," she said quietly. "Please. Whatever you want. You can have it." She lowered her voice. "I mean it." 

"Take your filthy hands off my body," he told her calmly, in a deadly stern voice.  

His tone sent a shiver down my spine. I'd never really heard him talk so seriously before, so coldly

"Your little tricks won't work on me," he said. "You can't bribe me with sex." 

"Those days are gone, huh?" she asked coldly. "How many times have you been a hypocrite during this conversation?" 

"It's not about me. It's about Isobel." 

"Do you have any idea how much she cares about Matt?" Katrina asked Nathan.  

"Yes, actually. I have a damn good idea. He doesn't deserve the amount of love that she gives him."

"And you do?" 

"Stop making it about me, Katrina," Nathan told her, in a warning tone of voice.  

"Stop getting involved then," she shot back calmly, obviously recovering from her hysterical state. Kat was never one to get flustered easily, and regaining composure was one of her fortes.

"You involved me yourself, if you remember correctly." 

"Well, do me a favour and get un-involved." 

"You don't deserve any favours. And you won't be getting them off me. But I will make you a deal." 

"I'm listening," she said warily.  

"You have until the end of the week to tell her. If you don't, then I tell her." 

"How is that a deal?" she muttered.  

"Because you have the opportunity to tell her yourself." 

"But she finds out either way." 

"I'm sorry that you're only used to deals in which you benefit, Katrina. But I'm thinking about somebody else for once." 

"You blackmailing bastard," she muttered. "If she deserves better than Matt then she deserves better than you."  

"I don't disagree that she deserves better than me. But all I care about at the moment is that she's not with a complete dick. It makes me sick every time I see them together." 

"You know, part of that is jealousy."  

There was a small pause of silence before Katrina let out a small gasp. I didn't dare move to see what had happened. Every muscle in my body had frozen, my entire attention focused on listening to the conversation that was unfolding around the corner, out of sight.  

"Go on," she challenged. "Do it. Hit a girl. I'm sure you've done that before, haven't you?" 

"I'm not gonna hit you, Katrina. You're not worth it. End of the week, okay?" 

"It's Wednesday already." 

"Better get a move on, then, hadn't you?" 

Sensing the end of the conversation was near, I retreated back inside as swiftly as my trembling legs would allow me. I was no longer hungry, though, and hid out in the toilets for the remainder of lunch. Part of me wanted to confront them both now, but I didn't think I'd be able to speak. The other part of me wanted to see whether Katrina would actually tell me what was going on before the end of the week. My head was spinning with possibilities; I had a strong suspicion but I hoped to God I was wrong.

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