The three Acnologia stepped through the portal after barely survive their encounter with the last world. They found themselves in a forest, with brilliantly tall trees and small mushrooms growing all around. There were the calls of birds and the temperature was very comfortable

"Oh, well this seems pleasant," the third breathed in relief.

"Give it a moment," the second growled.

"I've got a weird feeling about this place," the first murmured looking around.

At that exact moment, there was a fearsome screech that was a mix between the sound of an accordion and a hawk. As it turned out, it came from something that was a mix between an accordion and a hawk. The bird-music-thing swooped towards the trio making the first scream incoherent words as it flew into the second's long hair.

"THE FREAKIN HAIR AGAIN! I F*UCKING SWEAR!" the second roared trying to grab the bird.

"AHYISKUGSIULBUODSHU:SGAIUTKIGWOT*I***********!" the first screamed incoherently pointing at the beast that had the body of an accordion but the face, wings, and claws of a hawk.

"What?" the third asked trying to understand what he was looking at.

The second finally grabbed the bird by it's accordion section and yanked it out of his hair. He looked at in for a long time.

"What. the. *input word*." he spoke slowly.

"WHAT IS THAT!?" the first screamed, finally forming complete words.

"What?" the third asked still trying to understand what was going on.

The bird let out a long exhale, which was just an off-key accordion cry and glared at the second Acnologia. There was then a gurgle and the trio all looked to the bushes where a school of fish emerged, walking on their fins and whistling. Bubbles floated out of their mouths and hung over their heads like a cloud.

"What?" the third squeaked.

"What the hell is going on here?" the second asked slowly, releasing the accordion hawk who flew away squawking/playing loudly.

"OH MY GOSH, look at the fishies!" the first cried crouching down to look at the fish. He began to pop the bubbles and grinned, "This is SO COOL!!"

"WhAt?" the third questioned, having an existential crisis.

The fish suddenly let out a panicked gurgle and all began running as fast as their fins could carry them into the next bush. A pink crocodile, the size of a chihuahua, with purple feathered wings raced out of the bushes and began snapping at the bubbles that the fish were releasing as they gurgle-screamed.

"This is so random, I love it," the first gawked.

"We gotta get out of here," the second said fearfully.

"WHAT!?" the third cried looking at the crocodile who was meagerly trying to fly, "WHAT HELL HAVE I HAPPENED UPON!?"

"I LOVE IT HERE!" the first announced.

Suddenly, there was a loud scream-like shriek that sent the fish, crocodile, and every other strange thing scattering for cover. 

Before the three Acnologia's could react, a strange beast erupted from the shrubbery. 

The first screamed the second attacked and the third contemplated death. 

The beast looked fierce but also absolutely strange. It was like a dog-polar bear-leopard thing with beady eyes and a white pelt that was covered in red heart-shaped spots. It lunged with it's huge jaws agape. The second met it head-on, catching its jaw and forcing it to stay open.

"What the hell am I fighting!?" the second demanded as he held the beast's jaw held open. He looked back at the third who was staring at the beast in confusion.

"Something TERRIFYING!" the first offered.

The beast narrowed its eyes and ripped out of the second's grasp, backing away and snarling.

"Thanks for that, couldn't tell," the second growled.

The beast lunged again, except this time it tackled the second Acnologia to the ground and went to bite his shoulder. The second tried to transform but to his horror, he found he couldn't. The beast's fangs sunk into his shoulder and he snarled.

There was a squeaky roar as something small and blue threw itself into the face of the beast; the first Acnologia. He had somehow transformed into his miniature form and was clawing at the beast's face.

"THAT'S MY MEAN FRIEND! BACK OFF!" he shrieked angrily biting the thing's ear and ripping off a chunk.

The third helped the second to his feet.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I couldn't... I couldn't transform," the second breathed looking up.

The small blue dragon was terrorizing the beast, white and red fur went flying as he ferociously ripped away at the thing's face.

With a scream, the beast began to retreat, pawing the blue dragon off of its face and fleeing into the bush. The blue dragon landed on its feet and roared triumphantly in its little roar. Then, it transformed back into the first Acnologia.

"AND STAY AWAY YOU DUMB WEIRDO!" the first shouted. He then turned and grinned at the other two.

"How the hell did you do that?" the second demanded.

"I have NO IDEA!" the first cried happily.

"I can't transform! Why can you transform!?" the second hissed.

"NO CLUE!" the first grinned.

"I can't transform either," the third warned, "I can't use my magic either. I tried to use it against the beast but it didn't work."

"So... You guys are saying I'm special?" the first asked, his face beaming.

"Don't get used to it!" the second snapped.

"I won't - "the first began. He didn't notice the shifting in the brush behind him.

"WATCH OUT!" the third ordered as he spied what was behind the first.

The first whirled around just as the beast emerged again. It's face was torn and scratched making it look 100 times more terrifying. It latched its jaws onto the first's arm before suddenly dragging him away.

"STUPID ME!" the second cried as the first was pulled into the bushes, screaming his normal scream of 'I'M GONNA DIE.'

The two Acnologias took chase, following the first's frantic cries.

"I hate this place. I hate this place.  I hate this place," the third chanted under his breath.

"Come back here and fight me you ugly teddy bear!" the second roared, "AND BRING STUPID ME BACK!"

The two emerged in a clearing where the beast and the first Acnologia were struggling. The beast now had the first's foot in his jaws and was dragging him into a dark door opening in the trunk of a tree. The first was frantically clinging to bits of grass as he was pulled in.

"I'MTOOYOUNGTODIE!DON'TEATMEIDON'TTASTEGOOD!PLEASEI'VEGOTAFAMILY,GRANTEDTHEYDON'TKNOWIEXISTANDTHINKI'MDEADANDIAMDEADBUTTHAT'SBESIDESTHEPOINT!JUSTPLEASEDONT'TEATMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" the first cried.

"Hang on!" the second ordered grabbing the first's hands and pulling him. The beast snarled and pulled the first back.

"I AM NOT A TUG-OF-WAR ROPE!" the first cried.

"Would you rather me let you go?" the second growled.

"NO THANK YOU!" the first cried.

The third reached into the dark door in the trunk of the tree and poked the beast's eye making the thing let out an angry shriek, with the first Acnologia's foot still in his jaws.

"JUST KILL IT!" the second ordered to the third.

"How would you recommend me doing that. I have no magic!" the third retorted.

"JUST DO SOMETHING!" the first cried as he was pulled further into the small doorway. The second growled and pulled the first back out a bit as he continued the tug-of-war with the beast.

"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" the first objected.

Then, the three heard another sound - metallic squawking.

"WHAT NOW!" the first screamed as he was used as a tug-of-war rope.

The third looked up in horror as a flock of birds suddenly appeared from the trees. They had metal beaks and claws and all dawned a red heart on their chest. The red heart matched the spots on the beast that was still trying to pull the first into the doorway.

"Oh *input word*," the third muttered.

The birds descended, attacking the third and second Acnologia fiercely. In the moment of distraction, the beast gave a strong jerk, yanking the first's wrists out of the second's hands and pulling him into the doorway that disappeared the moment he was through.

"DAMMIT!" the second swore running up to the tree and pounding on it. The third whacked a bird out of his face and snarled.

Over the sound of the metallic screeching, there was suddenly the sound of someone letting out a fierce yell.

A bird squawked in agony as something metal ripped into it, turning it to dust and feathers. The birds all scattered, squawking fearfully as they fled. 

That's when the two spied their familiar savior.

Gajeel stood at the edge of the clearing, dawned in strange armor that was decorated with the black spade card symbol. He was holding two metal disks that were also in the shape of card-deck spades. He threw the spades with all his might and they soared for the flock of bird, ripping through their numbers and turning them all into dust and feathers. When it was done, the metal spades returned to his hands in a boomerang style and the man grinned.

"Gajeel?" the third asked.

"What the hell is going on!" the second cried.

"Squawkbirds," Gajeel shrugged looking at the now clear sky.

"NO I MEAN WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!" the second cried, "Where the hell did Stupid Me go!?"

"Well, I'd say your friend was taken by one of her Bearzas," Gajeel answered walking up to them.

"And that means?" the third asked.

"The Queen of Hearts has him," Gajeel explained.

"SO IS HE ALIVE!?" the second roared.

"Maybe," Gajeel answered.

"MAYBE?!" the second snarled grabbing Gajeel by the collar of his armor.

"We have to find him," the third interrupted looking at Gajeel.

Gajeel nodded, seeming completely unconcerned, "I'll take you to the Queen."

"Of hearts?" the third asked.

"Heck no," Gajeel sneered, "The real Queen."

"Explain or I'll rip your throat out," the second snarled.

"Excuse us for a moment," the third smiled pulling the second away. The third then glared at the second, "Stop. It."

"We've gotta find that idiot before he pisses off whoever caught him and they kill him. I don't have time for Gajeel to be difficult!" the second snarled in response.

"So you do care," the third smiled.

The second glared at him.

"If you want to find your friend, we'll have to avoid Hearts. We'll take the Queen's way," Gajeel explained, crossing his arms.

"Thank you," the third smiled politely.

"The hell do you mean by 'The Queen's Way'?" the second demanded.

"Gihee," Gajeel chuckled, "Well, there's your way which is alright the right-wrong way for you and then there's the Queen's Way which is the right-right way for everyone. The roads used to be the Queen of Heart's way, but now they're the Queen's way."

The second looked to the third.

"Translation?" the second demanded.

"We're going to die," the third shrugged.

The "Queen's Path" took the two Acnologias and Gajeel down a trail made of light blue smooth stones. It led them to a large stone castle that was painted red and black.

"This is the Queen's castle," Gajeel explained walking up to the gated entrance.

"Halt!" someone ordered.

"Did someone just say 'halt'?" the second growled.

"I believe so," the third nodded.

Suddenly, Freed burst out of the ground and landed lightly before Gajeel, a hand on his sword. He too was wearing something strange, a black suit with red trim.

"This is the Card Shuffler," Gajeel introduced as if that was all the introduction needed.

"Is this another tea party?" Freed asked, sounding unimpressed.

"Nope, why are we late for one?" Gajeel asked.

"No, but the Jack's been dying to have one," Freed sighed.

"Jack of Hearts?" Gajeel asked knowingly.

"Yes," Freed moaned.

"How much tea has he had?" Gajeel asked skeptically.

"A cup, with two lumps of sugar. Two." Freed sighed.

"Well by Metalicanna's scales, what a whimsidasical unbirthday day we've started then," Gajeel smirked, "Gihee."

Freed nodded with a sigh. He then waved his hand and the gates behind him opened.

"Have a grand unbirthday," Freed sighed.

"Hope yours get better!" Gajeel laughed walking into the castle grounds.

"We'll see," Freed sighed pulling a deck of cards out of his pocket and shuffling them. He then looked up to the Acnologias who looked very confused.

"What the hell did I just listen to?" the second demanded.

"Jibberish?" the third offered.

"Jibberish," Freed scoffed, "If I could speak that language I assure you I would love to use it fluently and constantly. Unfortunately, I'm only slightly fluent in Laxidasical Speech, Uncaring, and Humbugness."

"Ah..." the third nodded quickly following Gajeel before he lost any more brain cells.

"I need to die or kill something," the second growled striding beside the third.

"Just stay patient," the third soothed cautiously.

"Patient!?" the second challenged.

Gajeel walked up to the grand doors of the castle and pushed them open.

"I HAVE RETURNED!" Gajeel yelled loudly.

"HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY!" a chorus of voices greeted him.

"Happy Unbirthday," he grinned to the rest of them.

"Any news!?" Someone asked, jumping down next to Gajeel - It was Sting. He was wearing white armor that was covered in diamonds. "Any news? Any news?" he pressed.

"Not much," Gajeel denied, "Although... I did finally fall down that rabbit hole you told me about."

"Was it awesome?" Sting grinned.

"Gihee."

"But seriously," someone else demanded, "Any news?"

The two Acnologia's looked up and their heads began to hurt. The castle seemed to be a mix of twisted hallways and upsidedown staircases for which the laws of physics had no answer for. Rogue was standing above them, upsidedown but not seeming to care.

Rogue was wearing darker armor that was decorated with the sign of the clubs.

"Heart Queen struck again. Took these guys' friend," Gajeel explained gesturing to the two Acnologias.

"Oooooh! New people!" Sting grinned perking up, just noticing the two Acnologias. He ran up to the two and began looking them over. "Are you spies!? Newcomers? When's your unbirthday!? Mine's today, exactly seven times after teatime!"

He was basically on top of the two who were sweating nervously.

"That's enough," Rogue scowled pulling Sting away. He had someone suddenly appeared behind Sting.

"Anyway, Thomas and Larry," Gajeel smirked looking to the Acnologias, "These are my brothers. The Jack of Diamonds and the Jack of Spades."

Rogue bowed and Sting waved.

"I'm sorry, did you just call me Larry!?" the second growled.

"No, no," Sting shook his head, "He called you Thomas, your friend is Larry."

"Why am I Larry?" The third asked, clearly confused.

"Would you rather be Thomas?" Rogue offered.

"I AM ACNOLOGIA! KING OF THE *INPUT WORD* APOCALYPSE- " the second roared before the third smacked him on the back of his head.

"Whoa! He's a king?" Sting gawked.

"That is surprising," Rogue nodded.

"Don't know about an Apocalypse in a card deck though," Gajeel murmured.

"Okay Mr. King Acnologia, what's better? Clubs or Diamonds?" Sting asked the second eagerly.

"Not this again," Rogue sighed, holding the bridge of his nose.

"We can't judge," the third laughed nervously, recognizing the fact that the second was ready to explode.

"Not you, Larry," Sting sighed looking at the third who deadpanned.

"THE BEST SUIT IS OBVIOUSLY HEARTS!" someone laughed. All of them moaned as they recognized that voice. They all looked up and standing on a balcony with his signature grin was Natsu Dragneel. He wore a light armor covered in... you guessed it... red hearts.

"Buddy, you're stupid," Sting scowled, crossing his arms.

"What? Can't hear you, I don't speak loser," Natsu grinned.

"Well, I speak dumb," Sting shrugged, "Hence I understand you."

"I think I've got tear cakes between my ear cause I think you just called me dumb," Natsu threatened.

"Maybe I did!" Sting yelled back, "You forget that we're fighting the QUEEN OF HEARTS!!"

"I remember!" Natsu objected, "She just doesn't matter! I'm the best! And I'm a heart! Therefore, hearts are the best!!"

"ARE NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"NO YELLING!" someone else yelled. They all looked to the end of the hall where a figure stood; Serena. He was in an elaborate robe that was covered with designs of Spades, Hearts, Clubs, and Diamonds.

"SHUT UP!" both Sting and Natsu yelled back.

"You shouldn't be so mean," Serena scolded walking up, "It is my unbirthday after all."

"Ah, who cares about your unbirthday!" Natsu dismissed.

"Yeah!" Sting challenged.

Serena looked shocked and he turned away quickly, a dark aura around him.

"Oh great, now you guys made him feel like a waddlefish," Rogue scolded the other two.

"Oh gosh! I'm sorry!" Natsu apologized quickly.

"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" Sting cried jumping on to Serena and tackling him in a hug, "Of course we care about your unbirthday! HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY!"

Rogue facepalmed and the two Acnologias were still trying to understand what language these people were speaking.

"I feel like I'm surrounded by more idiots than usual," the second growled.

The third only nodded in agreement.

"I say we get out of here and try to find Stupid Me without these whackjobs," the second hissed.

Before the third could answer there was was a large CRASH.

Natsu had somehow thrown down an entire table that was set with teacups and tea cakes.

"YOU CAN'T DRINK TEA YET!" Sting objected.

"WHY NOT!?" Natsu challenged.

"Cause it's not tea time," Sting scowled.

"Well, how far away is tea time?" Natsu asked freezing his movement to grab a teacup.

"Only until whenever," Rogue assured Natsu.

"Oh... well I guess I can wait for that," Natsu sighed.

"I'm sorry, when is tea time?" the third asked.

"Whenever we drink tea," Sting explained.

"Wait." the second interjected, trying to follow the line of reasoning.

"Question!" Natsu piped up, "If I eat a tea cake, but don't drink any tea, then technically... I'm not having pre-tea time, right?"

That made the group stop and ponder.

"You wouldn't be able to have a tea cake," Serena concluded after a moment.

"He's right," Gajeel concurred.

"Alright," Natsu nodded, grabbing a tea cake and looking it, "Then I'll just take away the tea and make it a cake.

"That's not how it - " the third began.

Natsu then cracked the muffin like one would an egg on the side of the table, opened it, and allowed a waterfall of the tea inside of it to spill out, and then ate it.

The third stood there, questioning life.

"Okay... so... can I have a un-tea cake?" Sting asked.

"NO!" Natsu denied, chucking a teacup at Sting. The teacup slammed into sting's face making the Jack of Diamonds fall backward.

"WHY NOT!" Sting cried jumping to his feet.

"Cause you didn't say please... or wish me a happy unbirthday," Natsu answered simply raising an empty teacup and drinking the nothing inside of it.

"Natsu!" Serena scolded, "It's not tea time!

"Oops," Natsu realized. He tossed the teacup over his shoulder and smiled innocently.

There was a sudden sound of trumpets and they all turned to the entrance of the castle.

"QUEEN!" Serena yelled as a warning. 

Natsu kicked the tea table away with all his might and then sat down on the floor innocently. Unfortunately, he had kicked the tea table with all of his might right into Sting who was now in the wall, with the tea table sandwiching him there.

The doors opened and four women walked in. Erza Scarlet, who was dawned in armor and holding a large broadsword, Evergreen, who was holding a bouquet of flowers, Ultear, who was looking at a stop watched nervously and jumping around impatiently, and finally, Wendy.

Wendy was dressed in an elaborate black and white dress that had Spades, Diamonds, Hearts, and Clubs covering it.

"Hello fellow cards," Wendy greeted warmly. She was only a young girl but she was smiling sweetly.

"Hey there!" Natsu greeted.

"Hi," Rogue bowed.

"Happy unbirthday," Gajeel grinned.

Sting whimpered from the wall.

Serena bowed grandly and grinned, "Hey there little cousin! How'ya doing?"

"About as roudabouty as one as me can get," Wendy smiled.

"What?" the second asked.

"Just stop questioning," the third murmured.

"And hello visitors," Wend smiled to the Acnologias who merely stood there awkwardly.

"Yes," Erza greeted warily, "Though, these are strange visitors."

"They remind me of forget-me-nots," Evergreen murmured studying her flowers.

"We're on a schedule!" Ultear reminded them all.

"Oh! Yes, thank you white rabbit," Wendy nodded to Ultear. "Has anyone seen the Jokers recently?"

"You called?" a voice chuckled. They all looked up to see Erik and Laxus grinning down at them. Erik was wearing a scarlet suit and was smirking, his one eye seemingly glowing. Laxus was also smiling, though he was dressed in a black suit and he looked rather bored.

"Ask for us and we come!" Erik snickered.

"Yes," Wendy nodded fondly, "I'm afraid we have a problem."

"I swear I didn't know I had already put a lump in my tea!" Natsu defended, "I didn't mean to put two sugar lumps in it! It just happened!!"

Wendy giggled, "Don't worry Jack of Hearts, I already pardoned you."

"Oh thank the Oraculum," Natsu breathed.

"Speaking of Jacks," Wendy murmured, "Why is Diamond in the wall?"

At her words, Sting was able to get out of the wall and was smiling.

"Only to get a better look at it!" Sting smiled.

"Oh, very good," Wendy applauded.

"My Lady!" Ultear pressed popping up next to Wendy, "The time."

"Oh yes," Wendy nodded. She looked to the people in the room, "I'm afraid we have a much larger problem then Natsu breaking his code of tea time."

"Did Gajeel choke on a tea cake again?" Laxus asked unimpressed.

"IT WAS BECAUSE THE DAMN RATH KNOCKED INTO ME!" Gajeel objected.

"No, I'm afraid I'm talking about the war," Wendy sighed.

"Oh yeah, that," Serena realized, "Forgot for a good moment that we were experiencing that mimsy experience."

"He... forgot," the second began slowly.

"Is it a good problem, or a bad problem?" Sting asked.

"No, actually, it's just a sort of normal problem right now," Wendy concluded.

"Oh, phew," Sting smiled.

"Klotchyn!" Wendy announced as if calling for everyone's attention. "You see, the Queen of Hearts has found another magical source of wonder. A newcomer and she's going to feed him to a Jabberwock."

"WHAT!?" both the second and third cried.

"Ah, this newcome is their friend, right?" Serena supposed pointing to the two Acnologias.

"FEED HIM TO WHAT!?" the second demanded.

"What is a Jabberwock!?" the third cried, "And why would she feed it someone!?"

"They don't know what a Jabberwock is," Sting whispered to Rogue.

"I noticed," Rogue nodded.

"Don't worry concerned newcomers," Wendy assured the two Acnologias. "She's trying to make a strong monster by feeding it all sorts of Wonder. But she won't feed your friend to the monster until later."

"Where is she and how do we stop her!?" the third demanded.

 "I'LL TAKE THEM!" two voices shouted at once. Natsu and Gajeel who both had their hands raised.

"You two!?" Erik challenged jumping down, "You just want to get there before tea time!"

"Can you blame us?" Gajeel asked.

Erik scoffed, "I'll take them."

"Then we go with you!" Natsu demanded.

Erik rolled his eyes.

"Absolutely," Wendy smiled, "The more the merrier."

"Until you're going ezel," Serena muttered, whatever that meant.

"How long do we have?" the second demanded.

Ultear suddenly popped up beside him, "NOT LONG!"

"WHAT!?" the second cried.

"Forgive her, she's a bit high wound," Wendy smiled. "You have plenty of time. The Queen will want to have tea time."

"Well, when is tea time!?" the third asked.

Wendy thought for a moment, "Now."

"FINALLY!" Natsu grinned. Sting ran over and grabbed the tea table before setting it upright, its dishes right back in place.

"WHAT!?" the third cried.

"No worries, after tea, the Queen always plays croquet so you should be fine... Your friend isn't good at croquet, right?" Wendy asked.

"Good? He probably can't even spell croquet!" the second answered.

"Good," Wendy nodded, "Then he shouldn't get her angry."

"What happened if he gets her angry?" the third asked warily.

Everyone in the room looked in at one another knowingly.

"It'll be off with his head," they all answered in unison.

"WHAT THE HELL - "

(Hi there. This is my AU that I've been thinking about a whole lot so here it is in all its unperfected messy stupid beauty. Anyway! I hope you all have an awesome day/night and I'll post soon.

Next chapter the Acnologia's have tea with a mad book-loving hatter, a bunny-girl, and a drunk tea mouse...

Oh, and the first plays croquet with the Queen of Hearts.)