(Yes. It's another One-Shot. My brain doesn't have enough brain cells left to dedicate to plot but I will get back to it eventually. Maybe...

Remember this is my funsies book so... there's no consistency.

I wrote this because all of you are amazing and y'all are awesome... and it was requested and this request was awesome and there's also the fact that a whole bunch of us are stuck at home and need comedy.

This takes place before the dragon slayer's house burned down, just so y'all know.

Prepare for chaos)

"What?" Acnologia asked. A shudder raced through his spine and he almost trembled in trepidation.

"It's called Self-Quarantine, sir, and it's required," the magic council soldier explained. He stood at Acnologia's doorstep and the dragon king looked as though he had been slapped.

"H-how long is this going to be happening?"Acnologia asked, his voice cracking at the beginning before he composed himself.

"We don't know, sir, the virus is spreading quickly and it lasts a while. I would expect a few months."

"Months?" Acnologia asked darkly.

"Months," the soldier nodded.

There was a yell from behind Acnologia and the soldier could've sworn that he saw a pink-haired man being thrown across the room. There was a crash from inside the apartment.

"A-and... and how dangerous was this virus exactly?" Acnologia asked, sweat dropping.

"It's a respiratory illness, we're honestly not sure, but it's dangerous," the soldier explained simply.

Acnologi rubbed his head, "Can dragon slayers be infected?"

Now the soldier deadpanned. "Well... God Serena caught it."

Acnologia froze. "What?"

"Yes, it affected his magic in strange ways... he almost destroyed the council building with a sneeze."

Acnologia, for the first time in his life, was legitimately afraid. If his seven, grown, immensely powerful dragon slayers got sick...

Mavis help them.

"Welp, we're all gonna die," Acnologia announced, looking dead inside as he slammed the door.

The soldier let out a breath of relief and made his way to the next apartment.

"BRATS! LISTEN UP!" Acnologia yelled looking behind him at the chaos.

Natsu and Gajeel were in a fistfight... they'd broken a lamp. Wendy was painting with Rogue, her tongue out as she worked on her masterpiece. Erik was napping on the couch, earmuffs over his ears as he snored. Laxus was in the kitchen, fighting Sting over a sandwich.

"Yeah?" Wendy asked innocently, looking up, a small bit of paint on her cheek.

"We're not going outside," Acnologia announced.

"What?" Natsu asked. He was then punched in the face by Gajeel and sent flying.

"What do you mean we're not going outside. I've got a job I was gonna take," Sting cried. Laxus's outstretched hand was pushing against his face as he tried to reach for the sandwich in Laxus's other hand.

"Outside equals death, understand?" Acnologia asked dangerously.

"Yep!" Sting peeped... he then lunged for the sandwich.

Acnologia was minutes away from mass murder.

It had been two weeks. Two weeks.

How on earth was he supposed to make this work for months?!

Natsu was running laps, laps around the living room trying to burn off excess energy. Sting was crying under the coffee table because Rogue had beaten him again in Uno. Gajeel was stress baking which was very bad for Acnologia's limited flour supply. Laxus, Wendy, and Erik were monopolizing the lacrima screen bingeing some new drama show about love and issues and lovey-dovey disgusting stuff.

Acnologia, meanwhile, was cursing the world because they were on their last roll of *input word* toilet paper.

Which meant he had to go to the store...

Which was outside...

Mother of Mavis.

"UNCLE! WE NEED BAKING POWDER!" Gajeel yelled from the kitchen. "AND WE RAN OUT OF *input word* FLOUR!!"

Acnologia moaned and banged his head against the wall.

Why him? Why him?

What did he do to deserve this?

"..."

Actually, thinking back on it he knew exactly what he had done. WELP! Time to risk the outside to get toilet paper, baking soda, and Zeref knew what else. This was what he got for being a mass murderer.

He walked into the living room, decked head to foot. He wore a heavy cloak, a thick cloth mask over his mouth and nose, pants, thick boots (yes he was actually wearing shoes) in order to separate himself from the world of sickness.

"Alright kaidas, I've written instruction notes for all of you while I'm gone," Acnologia announced through the mask as he held up a few slips of papers.

Natsu, who was on his hundredth-and-seventieth-something-he-lost-count lap around the living room, ran by and snatched up the paper Acnologia held out for him. The man came to a stop and looked at the paper.

"This just says 'Natsu, no.'" Natsu read puzzled.

"Yes, and I ask that you refer to that for every possible scenario," Acnologia instructed, drawing out the syllables to make a point. 

He walked around and handed everyone else papers.

"'Don't fry the T.V', oh come on that was one time," Laxus scoffed reading over his paper.

"For the last time, I am not going to start an online cult!" Erik yelled from the couch.

"I'll be good!" Wendy chirped before settling back down on the couch and smiling as some couple kissed on the lacrima screen... which almost made Acnologia hurl.

"I know you will Wendy," Acnologia nodded, he then looked to Sting and Rogue. "Is everything clear?"

Rogue was reading step-by-step instructions on what to do in any sort of emergencies, all of which started with 'Knock out Sting and Natsu, then drag them out of danger, and for the love of Mavis STAY INSIDE UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY!'

"Yeah," Rogue shrugged.

Sting was still crying under the table. "What do you mean I can't watch funny cat videos!???"

"It's Wendy's Lacrima screen time right now," Acnologia snapped.

"B-but the cats!" Sting cried. "I only have funny cat videos keeping me going! I'm lacking physical contact!! I am going to die!!"

"Then do so quietly," Acnologia growled.

"I can be funny!" Lector piped looking over the coffee table at his friend who was suffering LOSI (Lack of Social Interaction).

"Thanks, Lector," Sting thanks his cat gratefully.

"C'mon Frosch, let's go find something we can fall off of!" Lector cheered.

"Okay!" Frosch grinned, following the red cat down the hall.

"Alright, I'm out... GAJEEL NO MORE BAKING!" Acnologia called to the man behind the counter. 

Gajeel threw his hands up. "What am I supposed to do, just leave this cookie dough here?"

"YES!" Acnologia yelled back.

"IT AIN'T GONNA LAST THAT LONG!" Gajeel yelled, already spying the hungry eyes of five of his siblings, along with Happy and Pantherlily's eager eyes.

"Well then, protect it with your life then!" Acnologia scoffed, striding out the door and closing it behind them.

Suddenly, all eyes snapped over to Gajeel and his bowl of cookie dough. The metal dragon slayer suddenly went in full-skinned metal mode and hugged the bowl.

"Back, you heathens," Gajeel growled. "I've got to bake them first."

"I can bake them!" Natsu chirped.

"What do your instructions say again, Natsu?" Rogue reminded him. 

Natsu growled and incinerated Acnologia's instructions. "C'mon Gajeel! I can bake them!!"

Acnologia weaved his way through the shopping center, praying that no one touch him. From across the store, someone coughed making Acnologia's head shoot up and forcing him to exit the store as quickly as humanly possible because SATAN would not catch him with sickness today!!!

So he entered another store. Bought the last of the flour, threatened the guy at the counter until the employee told him when the next shipment of toilet paper was coming, forced the guy to reserve him a pack, and then tried to figure out where the *input word* the baking soda had gone.

Also... WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE OUT OF STRESS RELIEF LOTION!!!?????? THERE'S NO HAND SANITIZER EITHER!???? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF HAVING A GROCERY STORE IF YOU DAMN HUMANS TAKE ALL THE GROCERIES AND HORDE THEM IN YOUR CLOSET!! DON'T GLARE AT ME YOU OLD CRONE, I KNOW YOU DON'T NEED FIVE PACKS OF HAND SANITIZER! GIVE ME A BOTTLE OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE *input word* APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!!

So was Acnologia's internal monologue for the next for minutes.

Acnologia was mere moments away from having a panic attack when the person next to him in the checkout line sneezed.

How to best explain Acnologia's reaction would be to imagine a cat being frightened by a cucumber on the floor and leaping twenty feet into the air. That was right about what happened with a bit more rabid hissing and the spraying of a disinfectant in the sneezer's general direction.

Finally, Acnologia made it home, just in time to witness this - 

"So... I can either back them at 400 degrees for ten minutes... or I can bake them at 4,000 degrees for one minute!" Natsu smiled maniacally, holding up a batch of cookie dough all formed into balls and set on a cooking sheet.

"SALAMANDER! THAT AIN'T HOW IT WORKS!" Gajeel yelled from across the room where he was tied up with winter scarves. He was wriggled out of his gag which had consisted of Sting's old socks tied together and the metal dragon slayer was angry.

Sting, Rogue, and Wendy meanwhile were giggling as they ducked behind the counter, taking spoonfuls of the cookie dough and devouring up. 

"OR! I can bake them at 40,000 degrees for a second!!" Natsu cackled.

"NATSU! NO!" Gajeel yelled.

There was a crash from down the hall.

"ACNOLOGIA SAID IT WAS MY TURN TO USE THE X-BOX!" Laxus yelled.

"IT'S STILL MY TURN YOU BASTARD!" Erik yelled back.

"I WILL DESTROY YOUR *input word* BLOODLINE!"

"BRING IT ON, SPARKY!!"

"Wendy, you shouldn't eat raw cookie dough, you could get food poisoning," Charle scolded the girl.

"But I can just cure myself then," Wendy deadpanned.

Charle rethought her life.

"Really? You can heal yourself now!?" Sting asked excitedly.

"Uh-huh, Uncle helped me learn!" Wendy grinned.

"So... we can eat all of this, get infected with salmonella, and you'll heal us?" Rogue asked.

"Yup!" Wendy smiled.

Rogue looked to Sting. "Why are we in quarantine then if she can just fix us?"

Sting shrugged, "I dunno... but I'm still hungry."

They then went back to chowing down on their cookie dough.

"I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FREAKIN SUN TO BAKE COOKIES!!" Natsu grinned, bursting into flames.

Acnologia watched it all in horror, accepting his fate.

Papalogia.exe has stopped working.

This is it. This is how he died.

Oh well...

At least he tried.

Acnologia did not die or go crazy. However... he did put the kids in punishment boxes. He did rip up what remained of the incinerated carpet. He did disinfect every surface ten times over until the smell of bleach canceled out anything else.

He also... almost lost his sanity.

Sting moped about his non-existent social life. Rogue and Erik flourished as all introverts did at this time. Wendy got caught up on all of her shows as did Laxus. Natsu nearly burned the house down many times, (Acnologia lost count after the three hundredth), but it was alright. It was fine. They were fine...

It all was to be expected with this family.

(It's short, it's sweet, it's bad, but I love it and my attention span equals that of a gnat right now. So, oh well.

Have a good day/night! I'm sending good vibes to everyone stuck in quarantine right now!! Bye!!)