what am i supposed to do if there's no you?

*.·:·.☽✧

If Celeste's heart was made of glass, it had been taken and smashed against a terrible surface, against a terrible truth that had killed her to realize. It had taken bodies and a scene of too much blood to make her understand that Marlene was gone. And worst of all, that she was never coming back. 

The shattered bits of her heart lay scattered and shoved around, but Celeste couldn't find it in herself to care. Her head still reeled from that day. She remembered apparating so quickly that she nearly lost a limb. She remembered flying for the front door and seeing Lily and Alice on the floor, cradling a broken body.

A broken body that seemed too different from Marlene to really be her. Beautiful, lively, brilliant Marlene. Marlene should've woken and chided their overdramatic behavior. She should've laughed it off and reapplied her red lipstick. Marlene McKinnon was not a silent, bruised girl, left for the cold Earth to take in. She should have gone when she was smiling and grey, surrounded by her family and friends. 

Not like this.

Anything but this. 

Her glassy, open eyes still haunted Celeste. The last time she'd seen Marlene, she'd been laughing and winking. She recalled her saying, "Love you tons!" and whirling away. The memory of her voice sent her spiraling away into a sobbing and drunken state of disaster.

There had been a quick funeral, with some schoolmates and Order members. Dumbledore had not shown, but it surprised Celeste to see several of their old professors. She remembered McGonagall and Sprout, hastily wiping tears from their eyes. She remembered Dorcas, quietly sobbing in the back. Celeste faintly remembered her affair with Marlene back in school.

Unable to bear the death of her chosen sister, Celeste had turned away and gone home. 

Home to Sirius.

She needed him, desperately. To cling onto him for dear life, and be her guiding light. Because internally, she was falling apart. Bit by bit, she had been chipping away.

Evan had been lurking around the house, late at night to wait for her. The only time he had managed to catch her, Celeste had denied him. That had sent him into a fit of rage, invoking a screaming match between the two. She had managed to escape that time. But now, she feared it might not happen again. She would prefer a screaming match any day.

It also made guilt grow in her. Guilt that Sirius was entirely oblivious to her situation. He had always avoided the topic of her duty to produce an heir, likely to soothe Celeste's worries. Or his own. 

Breathing in and deep, she pushed open the door of Sirius' flat and entered. That was her routine now. She would arrive early and leave late, sometimes even staying the night.

It had been two months now — two months since Marlene.

Celeste shut the door behind her and quietly strode into the kitchen. She froze, seeing Sirius waiting in the kitchen. 

After waiting an awkward second, she cleared her throat.

"Celeste," Sirius said, smiling. There was a relieved look in his eye.

That was how he was now. Like he had been holding his breath since she'd left, and could finally breathe back in her presence. 

"Sirius."

He quickly moved over to her, pressing a quick kiss to her temple. It left a coldness on her skin. "How are you holding up?"

"Fine," Celeste said faintly. Her heart broke a little bit, all over again as it did whenever anyone or anything suggested Marlene.

Hesitantly, Sirius wrapped an arm around her waist. "Are you hungry? Did you have breakfast yet?"

Celeste shook her head but leaned into his touch. "I'm not that hungry."

"Are you sure?" he asked with a frown. "You haven't been eating that much lately. Here, have some pastries or something." He started to guide her further into the kitchen, with an urgency that Celeste was not accustomed to.

"No ― Sirius," she pleaded. "It's fine, really. I'm fine."

Sirius ignored her and opened the refrigerator. He scanned the shelves and pulled out a box of croissants that was from their local bakery. "I got these a few hours ago. They're still good."

"Sirius."

"Sit down. I'll grab some plates."

"Sirius," Celeste repeated wearily. "Really, just―"

"Chocolate or plain?" Sirius asked. He finally looked at her, waiting for an answer. 

She swallowed. "Sirius, are you not listening to me?"

His hands froze, and he locked eyes with her. Celeste could tell that a distant anger lurked beneath his demeanor. Clenching his jaw, he set the plates down with a loud clatter.

She winced at the noise, a faint memory of shattering sounds lingering in the back of her mind. Cautiously, Celeste reached for his hand. "Please," she said quietly. "It's fine, Sirius. You don't need to worry about me like this."

The words hurt her to say. In truth, she did not want him to worry. She wanted his care and his support. But not like this.

"Celeste, I'm just trying to help," Sirius said harshly.

"I know," she answered pleadingly. "I know."

"Don't you know how much you've been freaking me out lately?" Sirius finally snapped. He moved closer to her, their noses nearly brushing. "You're silent all the damn time. You don't eat or drink or sleep. You stay over every night past midnight. What the hell is going on with you?"

Celeste looked at him strangely, as if she were seeing him in an entirely new light. "Nothing," she said slowly. "I told you ― I'm fine."

"Are you, though?"

She stared at him in disbelief. "What's that supposed to mean? Do you not trust me or something?"

He recoiled away from her, running his hands through his hair. "You're making it pretty damn hard to trust right now, Celeste."

"What are you―"

"If you were fine," Sirius shouted. "You wouldn't constantly be moping around! You wouldn't be so fucking boring. You wouldn't be getting drunk every other night and you would actually speak to us. To me, to your fucking friends!"

He sounded just like his old, immature self, Celeste suddenly realized. He sounded like the boy in the garden that fateful day where their relationship had first ignited. He sounded just like that, when he used to lash out and aim for his words to kill. 

Celeste refused to cry, looking away. The betrayed look on his face threatened to break her heart of glass. She shuddered. "Marlene just died, in case you've forgotten."

"Celeste, it's been two months," Sirius hissed. "Two fucking months."

She shook her head. Her eyes became far away. "Only?"

"We all cared about Marlene!" Sirius yelled. "You're not the only one, okay? Everyone has gotten over it. Lily has. Alice has. And they knew her a whole lot longer than you did. It's your goddamn turn now."

Celeste shut her mouth. She knew that if she opened it again, she would fall apart. She would crumble and crack, and become a sobbing mess. Everything she'd ever suppressed inside her would come pouring out. She would fall apart, and Sirius would see her for what she was.

Instead, she whispered, "Okay."

He sighed, quieting down. "Celeste, I'm just trying to help you. I don't want you to stay stuck in the past."

Celeste turned her back to him, her body shaking with repressed sobs. She shook so hard that her bones threatened to snap. Slowly, Sirius wrapped his arms around her. Out of pure instinct, Celeste melted against him, her back against his chest.

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered in her ear. He pressed a kiss to the back of her head. "I'm so sorry, darling. Just let it out, please."

A stray, rebellious tear streaked down her face, threatening to destroy her entire facade. Horrified at him and herself, she pressed her hand to her mouth. She muffled a sob behind it and shut her eyes as hard as she could. 

When she could finally manage to speak she choked out, "I'm sorry, Sirius."

Celeste felt like she was apologizing for a thousand different things. She was sorry for the burden that she had made of herself. She was sorry for her secrets. She was sorry for crying, for pushing him away. She wondered if he knew.

"I love you," Sirius promised. "It's okay. You're okay."

Celeste smiled bitterly through her tear-stained face, already picturing his relieved face. "I'm okay," she promised. Turning around, she kissed him sweetly. 

Sirius returned it immediately, holding her the closest he had in months. "Thank Merlin," he breathed.

"I love you," she said quietly. "You know I don't mean to hurt you."

She never did. 

After all, Celeste would never dare to harm or inflict pain on him. Never on Sirius Black, the greatest act of good she'd ever committed to. Never on him, her last remaining worthiness in the world.

She inhaled and exhaled, breathing in his cologne and memorizing the way he was holding her. She engraved it into her mind and clung to it. She clung to the fact that a part of him still loved her.

He still loves me, Celeste thought. She chanted it in her thoughts, repeating it like a sacred oath or a desperate prayer. He still loves me. He still loves me.

He still loved her. 

And that was all she needed.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

the next ones are gonna be rough. i'm so excited.

i've finally starting writing my new sirius fic and it's so good i literally get chills all over my body. i took it down recently to do some editing but decided to restart the whole thing. i can't wait to share it!! i hope it'll be out as getaway car slowly concludes (that freaks me out omfg).

please leave comments and vote!! thank you!!

xx aria