"Step away from the daughter" Lou snarled as she shut the front door.

John had watched her staggering up the path like she was carrying a weighty load on her back, legs apart, grimacing for some reason.

"No" Protected he was when he held Evie, Lou would never harm a hair on his head if he had Eve in his arms.

"Put Evie down or no sex for a week"

"Awwww, a week!" John whined as he tossed up if Lou's sex was worth the weeks abstinence.

He placed Evie in the playpen.

"Move away from Evie, no crouching by her. I can't murder you while you make peekaboo faces at her" Louise sat her bag down, took off her coat and rolled her shoulders and swaggered like John Wayne into the room.

"Why are you walking like that!?" John stood up and frowned at her funny gait, he hadn't seen that one on the comedy show the other night, lots of other gaits though, bloody funny as. Oops she has laser eyes "Your tan looks great Louise!!" John complimented hastily.

It did! He wasn't lying.

Granted he had been a tad bit worried as the lass at EMI on the reception desk looked like a Jaffa Cake but who knows, maybe she really liked Jaffa Cakes, I know I do. Not hers though, only the Jaffa cakes Louie buys.

"Jaffa cake?" John offered as he bypassed Louise as she staggered to the playpen to catch John and give Evie a kissy on the head. "Could make tea or scotch ..... John Wayne likes scotch, doesn't he?"

"Make it a double" Lou fell into the kitchen chair and lay her head on her folded arms in utter exhaustion.

"Double Jaffa cakes or scotch?"

Lou raised her eyes and John saw it -murder. "Scotch then, just had to ask Lou. You might be hungry I don't know, now do I" John took a belt of scotch from the bottle as Lou hid her face and then he poured a triple in a beaker for her. Might as well soften her up with this than be murdered he surmised.

"Why did you ask about John Wayne?" Lou mumbled into the table. John waited, wondering if he should compliment her toenail poking out of the hole in her stockings. He also took another belt of scotch for medicinal purposes. Well when she was done inflicting pain on him he'd need it wouldn't he.

Lou sat up straight and bore holes in him with her eyes.

"Well you walked in like this" John swaggered round the room, hips rolled and legs apart, thumbs caught in his belt loops "didn't you"

"Did I?" It was more dare than question. Lou was now leaning back, her lovely golden arms crossed, head cocked, eyebrow raised, waiting for John to say what he was about to say.

"Yea if I didn't know better I'd say you had been on a fox hunt for the past few days, you know with your legs hugging the horse like Mister Wayne or a cowboy in the saddle" John took a step toward the back door as Louise stood and jangled each leg trying to get some feeling back.

"So what your saying is that I'm walking like a big pair of tweezers has ripped every bloody hair from my hooha" Louise walked up as John went to turn the handle "Is that what you're saying ..... John?"

"Well I guess so but I wouldn't call it a hooha" John countered as he made for the hallway casually, not that he had anything to run from "fountain of fun, John's playhouse, Lennon's red-light district, not hooha, Louise"

Then he ran, Louise chased him down as his laughter filled the room then screams as Lou tackled his back and made him fall flat on the timber floor.

"Stop screaming!!!" Louise yelled as she rolled him over, his hands covering his crown jewels "I'm not going to chop them off John, whatever would I use to string you up with" Louise sat on him and bounced hard as she slapped him around the face and head, not hard she'd never really hurt him but hard enough for the front door to fly open and have 'three Beatle buddies ripping her off their mate' hard. "I have to get 'im, he's been torturing me!!" She screamed as they went to disentangle her.

"Geez she's gone potty!" George yelled as Louie kicked him in the shin "Should I slap her one, I've always wanted to. Not in a kinky way, like; in the slap the sister, she's a brat way"

Paul lifted Lou up and over his shoulder hanging her upside down. He ended up getting belted in the bum with her hands and Richy got a few kicks to the chest "Torturing!?!" Paul paused and looked down at John lying on the floor laughing "Has he hurt you Louise darling?"

"Yes! Very much. So much Paul..... It hurts so very, very much Paul! I can't tell you how much it hurts because its clouding my attention to detail. It really hurts though" Louise nattered on while she tried to kick herself free. Hanging upside down was not ideal to formulate escape plans.

"John! you can't hurt Louise, its bloody wrong!" George sobered "Should I punch him Lou?"

"Yes, punch him hard Georgie porgy" Louise kicked again and clipped George's face "Sorry George"

"That's ok, stand up Lennon and get on the end of my fist you bastard" George squared up to punch the blighter in the face "Get off the floor you, you Lou hurter you"

"Paul put me down I want to see John go down like a sack of potatoes and it looks stupid upside down and I'm getting dizzy!" Louise pleaded "Richy get the tosser to put me down. Did you just touch my bum Paul?! I warned you, don't touch the merchandise anymore- stores closed mister"

"Stop squirming and I'll not touch your bum Louise" Paul wrestled with all the arms and legs she had spinning about like flags in the wind.

"Ask her" John was rolling about on the floor, cracking up with laughter, while the cast of the latest comedy hour struck poses.....

Paul with his hand hovering over Lou's arse, as she lay slung over his shoulder.

George pretending he was a prize heavy weight fighter when all he was, was a bantam.

and

Richy, trying to stem the blood trickling from his nose after Lou's big toe clipped him. ......"Go get a bloody tissue Rings! I washed this floor today"

"You- you washed the floor, John?" Paul laughed as he swung Lou awfully close to the hallway wall.

"Watch the noggin Paulie!"

"Oops, sorry sweet cheeks" Paul tapped her arse again, they were cheeks right?

"Hands off Paulie"

"Oh yea, it's just that ..... it's right there Louise can't sort of miss it. If I turned my head I could probably bite it" Damn it, I really have to see if I'm missing a cog in the tact area of the brain, Paul pondered.

"Are you saying I have a big lard botton Paulie or that you're hungry!?" Louise thrashed about as Paul wondered what best to say.

"Excuse me" John sat on the floor hugging his knees, trying to catch his breath.

"What!?! Can't you see he's feeling me up John. Geez and I thought you wanted a part in John's playhouse at some stage this week!" Lou groused as Paul looked at John's smug bastard face.

"I can see that .... but you just accused me of torture Louie, I can't have that sort of shit on my record" Laying back on the floor arms folded behind his head he relaxed as Lou looked at him upside down with snake eyes. Just as Lou was going to zap him with her laser beam stare Paul twisted his body and hit the wall with her hand.

"Paul!"

"Oops"

"Look Paulie I'm pretty sure McInjury has caused more harm than I this morn so perhaps you should stop swinging Louise around like your caught in a hurricane and please reframe from biting her arse. Just stand still!" John interrupted from the floor. "Now ask her"

"Ask me what, you torturing terrible man" Lou grumbled whilst looking at Ringo shove a tissue up his honker.

"Ask Louise, gentlemen, what I tortured her with"

"Oh god it's a sex toy thingy isn't it. You two are so perverted" George huffed.

"No! it wasn't a sex toy thingy!" John laughed as Louise smacked George on the head. "Although ...."

"John!!"

"Where did I hurt you Louise?" John smiled as he contorted himself upside down to smile evilly at her.

"At the solarium" Lou mumbled, slightly mollified, into Paul's back.

"A solarium? Like he suntanned - tortured you?" Paul looked over his shoulder "You look ok, brownish tingy thing going on there"

"Not suntanning torture, you gerbil" John ducked as Paul swung Louise about again trying to see John better. "Louise, what was this supposed torture I inflicted? Come on, George is cramping up, he can't stand in that boxers stance like that much longer"

"Sculpturing. Argghhhh!" Louise grumbled then screamed into Paul's arse as he nearly dropped her.

"You were doing art?" Richy scratched his head, these two were crazy.

"She was at a solarium not night classes for pottery dummy" John rolled his eyes.

"So, a solarium is like a hothouse, something to do with flower growing. Were you flower arranging Louise? That's not sculpturing, you ninny sister" George dropped his hands, he was indeed cramping up.

"A solarium - where she got her tan and those lovely aqua nails done" John smiled as he handed another three tissues to Richy.

"But how can you have tortured her there? There would have been witnesses and they don't do art classes nor flower arranging at places like that" George scratched his head ..... why was nothing ever normal in this flat. It was like a spinning top every time he came round.

"So she went to the solarium got a nice golden tan-" Paul tried to tidy up the conversation.

"Awww thanks Paulie. You really think it looks ok?" Louie grinned as she watched George shift from foot to foot "For goodness sake go to the loo George!"

"Oh yeah you're right for the beach now I can just see you in a skimpy two piece" Paul nodded then grimaced an apology at John. 'Anyway solarium tan, manicure, pedicu-"

"Hang on how do you know all the terminology?" Richy inquired, his nose had finally stopped pouring out his life blood and he didn't feel so faint, George rejoined the group.

"Fly George, I do NOT need to see that wiener" Louise grumbled. "Cheerio hahaahaha"

"Louise I'll have you know- " George began to sprout off about his dingle wangle.

"Shut up George, stay on track - solarium tan, medi, pedi" Paul ticked off as Lou slipped on his shoulder he stopped ticking and held her thighs again "What else is there?? That girl at the EMI desk went there didn't she, the blonde at reception what's 'er name?"

"Jessie" George grinned "Quite like her but she has a boyfriend"

"Oh Georgie I thought you liked the girl from the train?" Louise patted his hip, it was the only part of him she could console.

"Pattie, hmmm she's a bit above my station. Really pretty though, should I try again to ask her out, Louise?"

"Sure she was very nice and I saw her staring at you when you were in getting your makeup done" Louise sniggered at them getting makeup done, she still couldn't wrap her head around that part of their preparations for appearances!

"Can you two focus, I need to figure out what happened to Louise" Paul smacked Louise on the bum to shut her up.

"Hands off the merch, McFingery" John grumbled "OK... Let me recap for you all - Medi, Pedi, Tanny, Sculptury right Lou- miss anything?" John smiled at Lou as she twisted up Pauls back to give John 'the look'. No not the 'let's go to bed' one ..... the other one, where she's trying to communicate hatred, and loss of limb.

"Right -what was sculptured and what type of sculpturing occurs in a solarium?"

"Body sculpturing. Eyebrow.. eyebrow sculpturing!" Richy grinned proudly at his revelation.

"What's wrong with her eyebrows, they're like mine" George, raised one eyebrow in curiosity.

"Fanny sculpturing!!!! You morons, she's walking like John Wayne after a six month ride on his horse" John yelled; So over this I am, he muttered to himself. He wanted, no needed, another scotch with all this useless banter.

"Fanny as in Pus-" Paul's eye blew open in horror "John you didn't. That has to be done by a professional you can't just slap some wax on the lass and pull"

"Really Paul I wasn't sure so I gave it a whirl" John rolled his eyes skyward "Not me you clod, the solarium gave her a clip and a smooth finish I'm guessing from her gait" John tickled Louise and laughed as she smacked his hand away.

"It's not smooth, well not all of it. A lot is, bloody hurts like a bitch though. I think I went cross eyes with the pain several times" Louise grinned as she plaited her hair as it hung over her.

"So, what you get then?" Paul glanced down Lou's thighs in thought, earning a clip of his own from Johns open palm.

"Can you get sorts then?" George inquired, he didn't want to know what Lou got, but on the whole, this was all education wasn't it.

"Can go completely bare, I've heard, a new one from Puerto Rico or Spain or was it Brazil?" Richy piped up "I don't know if I'd like that one or not, guess I'd have to have a look see"

"Oh yeah sure luv hearts, lines, shapes, anything really ....... Letters" Paul informed as if he'd done research into this very topic "Oh geez, you didn't get a 'J' did you Louie?!" Paul tittered.

Suddenly silence invaded the hallway, Evie's incessant chattering to her giraffe toy being the only respite from the ghostly lack of movement of anybody's lips. John leaned on the wall with another smug bastard smile on his face while picturing a 'J' branded on Louise.

Had she got a J or maybe a W for Winnie, an L for Lennon.

B for Beatles perhaps.

"Louie!!!" John bellowed, she was ignoring them all, they had caught on and now hung on for her revelation. Louie cringed a tiny bit and went back to plaiting her hair "Louie darling, was I torturing you?"

"No" Her pout was endearing and John kissed her upside-down cheek as she bit the inside of her mouth "But you sent me down to the guillotine you nasty bugger"

" You could have said no luv" John countered.

"Have you seen those, those Fräulein's down there?!" Louie grumbled "I was man handled by women and accused of housing the entire population of squirrels in my you know what ....... Well it was implied, wasn't it"

"Well its done now and your alive by the skin of your teeth" Paul injected, patting her thigh in condolence "Why don't you fess up the design and we'll let you have a nap, seems like you've had a hard morning, yeah?"

"She's not telling you the bloody shape of her twat Macca" John peeled Louise off Paul's shoulder and she flopped about with the effects of blood rushing in the right direction "Stay here... and I'll go find out"

"John!"

"I meant I'd ask you in the bedroom Lou, not strip you for examination"

"You are not revealing anything about anything to Paul and Richy. I think George would have the good sense to stick his fingers in his ears, right George?" Louie looked about, George was absent, he was outta there when the sculpting bit was announced "Georgie??"

"I'm in with Evie I don't need to hear about your hair designs Louise!!!" George hollered down the hallway. "Aren't you all forgetting something"

"Shit" Paul turned about twice "Shit shit. Get your kit on we're supposed to be at rehearsal in an hour"

"Well I'm not going" John spat, carefully leading Louie into the bedroom and stepping back to the doorway, sticking his head out into the hall. "I'd advise you lot to take a seat, not a number mind you McTrying, read a magazine and wait for investigations to conclude. Good day sirs" John slammed the door in Ringo and Paul's face, all they could hear was laughter and Louise screeching happily.

"Well I bag's the couch, you make the tea ok Paulie" Richy waltzed down the hall towards Evie and George.

"Awwwww, why do I get to make tea?! It's always me- Paul's turn again. I'm pretty sure I made it this morning and yesterday" Paul mumbled as he passed the lads seated on the couch waving dolls in Evie's face.

"Well you do make a mean tea Paul and you've got to be kept occupied what with all that banging about down there........ Geez, was that the dresser going over!?"

"And we all agreed to go on holiday together. It will be fun they said. We'll have a smashing time they said. Right, well I'm making sure I have at least three cabins between meself and the Lennon's in there. Never get any shut eyes with them two fighting or whatever it is they're doing presently" George held up his hand to stop Richy interrupting his dialogue "Shush! I know what they're doing! I just don't want to get the bloody picture in my head do I. So just shush!"

"I can't wait. Sun, sand, surf. It will be glorious!... Might even get meself a Brazilian" Richy chortled merrily.

A/N: Fanny isn't the bottom in Australia......!