I really really hate the cold.

I mean, I frickin' hate the cold. Like, wtf, man! If you live near London (ish) like me, you'll really have your fair share of ass freezing and nose running. I swear, when I was taking the cat out for a walk, his nose was running. 

That's why I have this freakin awesome recipe for lentil soup.

Hell yeah. I know how to cook. I ain't totally useless like you thought I was.

I mean, instead of following this awesome recipe, you could just go out to Costco and get some microwave soup. That's okay. I know you don't love me.

Or Starbucks, man. Do you know how much we struggled in the sixties without Starbucks? Let me tell you, it was a drag.

John, Paul, Ringo, and I often go out for Starbucks on the weekends. Our visit goes something like this:

Me: Hello, or whatever I'm supposed to say. My friend John here would like the Pumpkin Spice Latte, and Paul here would like the Gingerbread Latte. Ringo would like the Chestnut Praline Latte. And I'd like latte with jelly babies.

Waiter Dude Or Whatever We're Supposed To Call Him: Um, we don't have jelly babies, whatever that is-

Me: DO YOU WANT TO LOSE MONEY????

Waiter Dude Or... Eh It's Too Long To Type Out: *sweating nervously* No, no! That's coming right up.

And it always tastes freakin delicious. Booyah, random Starbucks dude with too many pimples.