"Charlie," He starts making my eyes lift up to his, unsure of what he's going to say next.

"I'm sorry."

My eyes widen momentarily. "You're the one with the black eye, why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know, for everything," he lifts his hands in the air and drops them as if doesn't know what else to say or do. I know he's frustrated. Alex hates situations like this; where he has to be serious because it isn't his strong point. "I always say I want the best for you but I end up being the one making things worse."

"Alex don't say that, this is my fault." I tell him. "If only I hadn't been so stupid—"

"If only I was a better boyfriend this would've never happened." He interrupts and it doesn't even look like he's talking to me anymore. He has his head lowered as he mutters this but I hear every emotion behind it. My body stills, unsure of what to say after that.

"I'm so damaged Charlie, I think we both were in the beginning and that's why we never really grew from our trauma. I wanted it safe, I used you. I was too afraid of a life without you and when you moved on without me, I was terrified you'd leave me behind." His lips quiver as the words come out of hismouth.

I never thout Alex felt this way. I don't know how to react to his words.

"But I love you. I know I do. You understand me and I like being around you. I'm never going to find someone like you," he says lowly.

"No. You're afraid you're going to find someone better," I say, making his hazel eyes snap to meet mine in shock but I don't stop there.

"I know just because your father left your mom, you're afraid that might happen to you. You're afraid the people you love will leave you. So you play it safe. I know as cocky and arrogant as you pretend to be, you're actually insecure.

"When I told you I needed a break, you told me you liked that I was insecure because that meant I would never leave you. Do you understand how toxic that sounds? That alone makes me realize you don't really love me like that Alex."

Suddenly I don't feel so unsure, after everything that happened today, for the first time in my life I feel like I understand what's going on and only I can fix the mess I got myself into.

"I miss the days when we just wanted more things with no means. I adored when you were always just there for me, by my side. Do you remember?" I smile, thinking of how simple life was back then. "Alex, I love you too and I always will. I love being around you no matter how annoying you are."

"Then what's the problem? I don't understand." He says frustrated, sitting on his bed with a huff.

I sigh and stand in front of him. "I think you do understand."

"Alex you don't need to be afraid of finding someone to love, don't be afraid of love just because of the experiences the people you know have had with it. Wanting second-best and fear of just trying can lead to a much more miserable life than you think."

"But look at me, I'm nothing special, no one will ever love me, you can't love me. I'm messed up, Charlie. I know that but you're still here. You're always here for me." He slumps his shoulders and my heart hurts for him. I hate seeing him look so defeated.

"But I do love you. I love you more than anyone, you're my best friend." I say and he looks up with wide eyes, his hazel ones searching mine as if he doesn't believe what I'm saying. I smile to show him that I mean every word.

"I convinced myself that being with you was better than being alone. But I shouldn't have feared being alone. When I was that poor girl in high school who didn't know who she was, so she let people decide that for her, I forgot I was Charlie—a girl with dreams, a girl with so much life in her. You helped me Alex. I was there for you and you were there for me in a different sense. I listened to you and in return you gave me company when I had no one and I will always be grateful for that."

Alex's hazel eyes are a sea of green gold and blue in this moment, so many colors as much as there were emotions in them, spinning and turning and uplifting.

"Don't think just because I realize we don't love each other like I thought we did means I'm going to leave you behind. It's going to take a lot more than that to get rid of me." I smile when he doesn't cover up the tear that escapes from his eyes very subtly.

He's always afraid that I'm going to leave him.

It makes sense to me now, he's just afraid of getting left behind, so he tries to hold on whichever way he can. Alex truly has no other friend apart from me and he's just afraid. But he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.

This whole time I didn't realize how similar we really are.

He stands up quickly to hug me.

I stumble back at how firmly he holds me and from how sudden the action was. My eyes are wide before they slowly soften and my hands come to wrap around him.

"I'm so sorry I put you through this, I was so selfish but I don't regret a thing. Hayden and Daniel are douches and I'm still going to make guys like that disappear from your life." He murmurs into the crook of my neck and I smile.

"Please try not to be so overbearing from now on," I say and he laughs, pulling away.

"Alright, but I'm here whenever you need me." I smile when he says this. That's all I wanted to hear. "But what are you going to do now? What about Hayden?" He asks curiously.

We're both seated on the bed; Alex is looking at me while I frown at his question. "I think I have to deal with this one on my own." I say definitely, with a nod more to myself. If I want to truly leave this in the past and move forward on my own, as a person, I have to deal with this alone. I have to take it as the first step of finally starting over. For real this time.

"How did you figure out about the Hayden thing anyway?" I ask, remembering Alex claiming Hayden knew from the beginning. Hayden didn't deny it so it had to be true. It's so hard for me to face that it's true. That Hayden did what he did.

I just can't believe it. I don't want to believe it.

"I went through Daniel's phone," he shrugs and I gape.

"No way." I shake my head, typical Alex, if he doesn't trust someone he'd do anything to prove why, especially if it's for me. "Daniel actually cares about you. Everyone thinks so..." I trail off when Alex makes a face.

"So what? That guy ruined my life and let's not forget that, oh right? I'm actually a guy!" He exclaims, gesticulating down his body and I roll my eyes.

"He at least deserves an apology Alex," I scold him like he's a child and he pouts, mumbling a 'whatever'. I shake my head at him, hoping that everything truly works out for the both of us.

Some people say that you fall in love and they'll be all you'll ever think about but even after I told myself I was done with Alex, he's never really left. Alex was there the entire time. He was there when things happened with Daniel. When things happened with Professor McAdams, even though he basically tried to sabotage my love life, he never failed to make me laugh and smile.

Alex has been my best friend since I can remember.

No matter how much I love Hayden, Alex, will always be there because I need him too. I may not want him in the ways that I want Hayden, but I need him.

And when you need someone, it's hard to imagine how your life will be without them.

...

I left the next morning, saying goodbye to the Higgins family. Nana still wouldn't refrain from the grandchildren comments no matter how hard we tried to tell her Alex and I weren't like that. His grandfather wouldn't stop rambling on about how "youths" nowadays were crazy after hearing the story of Alex cross-dressing.

"Even I wouldn't do that for Margaret," he says, his wife whacking him upside the head. Everyone laughs. Alex just rolls his eyes in embarrassment.

"It was fun while it latsted. I kinda understand what girls have to go through now; boys can be absolute animals." Alex shrugs and I chuckle, shaking my head. "It's an experience I'll never forget," He adds.

Me neither.

When I get back to Central West University, I'm lucky to not run into anyone on my way to my dorm building. Secretly, I was hoping to run into Hayden, but knowing him, after everything that happened he'd probably want to disappear from the world for a couple of days. Or from me.

I hoped it wasn't the latter.

He has to understand that the way he deals with his emotions aren't exactly good if he has any hope for us to ever work out. Communication is key. He's good at offering advice for me but when it comes to himself, he seems so lost.

After unlocking the door and stepping inside my lips part at what I see.

Scanning the place, my eyes fall on the many boxes and clothes scattered about the room, watching Hayden dump his books from the shelves into one of the empty boxes. He turns around when he hears the door click shut behind me.

Even though he stares at me with a vacant expression, he looks so handsome it hurts. Everything about him is beautiful from his black hair that somehow gleamed and dark eyes that seem to reflect the deepest depths of your soul and keep you in place. Like he's looking right through you.

"What's going on?" I ask and my voice falters. I don't know how to act with him after everything that happened.

Hayden doesn't answer me at first. He closes the box firmly, folding its four folds so that it is clamped shut before pushing it beside the other arranged and complete boxes. "I'm going back home."

When he says this I feel my heart hit the ground. It painfully and slowly reaches its position in my chest before I can speak again, and when I do, I sound breathless.

"Home?" I echo. "Why?"

"My mom." He says, throwing piles of clothes in another empty box. "I'm going back for her, with my dad being in the hospital, I can't leave her alone."

Oh. With everything happening I almost forgot.

"So you won't be my roommate anymore?" I ask and the thought makes me sad. I think he catches this because he stops what he's doing to finally face me. For the first time since I've walked in, he finally looks me in the eye. I'm falling into the deep dark pit that is his eyes, but I've finally hit the bottom. And I don't know where to go from here.

"Yeah," he says nonchalantly and for some reason his casual tone irritates me.

"So that's it then? You have nothing to say to me? You're just going to leave; do you even care?" While I say this, I find myself wanting to ball my eyes out from the frustration. I need to be calm about this, I remind myself. Even after everything I heard, it hurts that he isn't going to at least try and talk it out.

"You're the one who left! You went to him and not me." Hayden's voice softens at the end and like a fool I give in. I don't want to be weak and surrender all because he says something like that, I want to be angry at him, furious because he lied to me from the very beginning.

But it's so hard.

"Alex just got released from the hospital and then you go and beat his face in once again," I throw my hands in the air as I say this in complete aggravation.

"Sure, go and defend him, that guy is crazy for everything he's done to you, Daniel and now me. You've been with him for how long and you still do whatever he says. From the beginning you told me you needed a break and it looks like you haven't got one."

"Alex has nothing to do with this. Even without Alex I haven't gotten a break." I snap.

"What are you saying?" He asks slowly, his eyebrows raised. "Are you saying you want a break from me as well?"

_________________________________

Your comments really helped and thank you guys so much for everything. You guys are all amazing people. I just want you to know I'm okay and everyone's okay. No ones physically hurt but it's hard to get over since mostly everything was taken from us. But life goes on, I have hope things will get better and easier soon.

Also this chapter wasn't edited at all. It's not that I ever really proofread but I have a feeling this is worse than usual so sorry for the grammatical mistakes.

Love you all.