When I get back to my dorm room, I’m a mess.

I have my heels in my hands, my eyes are bloodshot and I can’t control the unpleasing sounds coming from the back of my throat which feel more like hiccups.

It usually happens when I cry so much.

“Jesus,” Hayden hisses as he jumps out of his bed when he sees me. “What the hell happened to you?” He asks and if it wasn’t for the fact my thoughts were all over the place, I would’ve thought he was a little concerned.

Instead of giving him a reply, I hug him because I really fucking need it right now, and cry the remainder of my tears onto his shirt as he held onto me awkwardly.

Once I think I’ve run out of tears for the moment, I pull back and wipe my nose with my sleeve.

“Sorry,” I mumble.

“It’s okay,” Hayden assures me, leading me to his bed and we both take a seat on the edge. “Will you tell me what happened?”

I hiccup again before rubbing my eyes and looking at him. “I cheated on my boyfriend.”

The reaction I get is utter silence. Hayden is motionless and speechless as I wait for his response.

I instantly regret telling him and make a pass to get up, but his hand brings me back down.

“I’m sorry; I was just really really shocked.” He tells me but he doesn’t sound like he’s judging me. I didn't blame him because even I was really really shocked. “How? When?--”

“He was there and I was locking lips with another guy.” I ramble. “I didn’t mean to. He kissed me and it just happened. I pushed him away because I knew it was wrong but…”

I couldn’t tell him I was feeling guilty because I enjoyed it.

My eyes start to water again at Alex’s words from before.

He was right.

I was just like my mother.

I was a liar and a cheater who manipulated men. Hayden doesn’t say anything and I continue— my head downwards in shame.

“The kiss was so different; I’ve never felt like that before, I’ve never felt wanted. I don’t even know why I’m saying all these things because, in the end, I know what I did was wrong and I deserve it if Alex wants to end things with me. I don’t deserve someone like him anyway.”

I feel a hand lifting my jaw so that I am greeted with a pair of dark black eyes.

“Don’t say that,” Hayden says a serious look on his face and I search his beautiful eyes in shock. “You want to know what I think?” He asks and I find myself nodding with his hand on my chin.

“You seem like a good person Charlie and I know if you really didn’t want to kiss that other guy, you wouldn’t have done it. But doesn’t that say something if you did want to? Maybe this happened for a reason, maybe you need to discover who you really are before you can be tied to a relationship your whole life.”

Hayden’s words are shocking and unexpected but he answers all the questions I've been asking myself, his words make sense. I just didn't know if they were the right answers.

“You think I should break up with Alex?” I ask, furrowing my eyebrows. I couldn't break up with Alex. I need him.

“Not break up, but try living your life without him for a while. You can’t depend on him forever.” When Hayden says this everything becomes clearer to me. He was right.

All my life I’ve been with Alex and only Alex.

He wanted me all to himself, so much that I became dependent on him to the point where I’m terrified of who I’ll be without him.

I couldn’t live like that forever.

I need to discover who I really am and I knew that was the only way for things between Alex and I to really work out in the future.

“You’re right,” I tell Hayden, rubbing my eyes and sniffling as I smile weakly. “Thank you.”

Hayden shrugs almost timidly and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He was embarrassed?

His cool, bad guy guy act slipped and now he was embarrassed. The thought made me smile more. “I just hope you have things figured out from here on out.”

I hope so too.

...

Once again I was seated in one of the tables at Costas waiting for Alex.

We planned to meet up again because he told me he needed to talk to me. I was hoping he would because so did I. The phone call was awkward but I didn’t expect anything else after what I did to him.

When I see Alex walk in, our eyes meet for a second before he walks over to me, looking anywhere but at me and I bite the inside of my cheek.

So far so good, I thought sarcastically.

When he takes his seat, Alex finally looks at me.

“Hey,” he says and I hold his gaze, mumbling the words back. Alex looked different. I had deep bags under my eyes from my lack of sleep but his usually pretty hazel eyes looked dull today.

Empty.

“I forgive you.” Alex surprises me by saying. My lips part and my eyes widen but he doesn’t stop.

“I don’t care what happened before, I’m ready to look past that now, just don’t leave me for that guy or talk to him ever again for that matter.”

I open and close my mouth for a moment, fumbling to find the words to speak. “You're not a little angry? You don’t care about the fact that I kissed another guy?” I repeat.

“If that means you won’t do it again then yes,” Alex says firmly and I frown.

“But I want you to care. I wanted you to scream at me again.” I say, my frown becoming more prominent. Why was I disappointed this was fixed so easily? Why did I expect Alex to be hurting more than this?

He’s so eager to forgive me and push away the problem as if it were nothing.

Alex frowns as well, his eyebrows creasing. “I don’t understand, I’m forgiving you.”

“I know!” I almost shout. “That’s the problem! This was way too easy. You forgave me as if it were nothing as if what I did meant nothing!”

When Alex’s face becomes even more perplexed, I sigh, raising my hands up in exasperation. “I think we should take a break.” I find myself saying and it was as if the world stopped spinning for a moment.

Alex’s reaction, his look of pure dread is embedded into my mind and time seems to freeze.

“W-what? Are you breaking up with me?” Alex asks— a look of disbelief on his face.

“No. I think we just need some time apart.” I clarify quickly.

“Why?” Alex asks, and it’s hard to even look at him at this point.

“I need to discover who I really am. All my life I’ve only ever been with you. You were all I had back then and I let you take advantage of that but now, I have to find myself, I have to learn how to live without you. I need to become more confident in myself and I don’t believe I’ll be able to with you right now.”

"I don't understand." The look of pain across Alex’s face is physically hurting me but I had to do this and he had to let me.

“Don’t do this Charlie. I love you, isn’t that enough? You don’t have to change, all you need is me. Please,” he begs, his hand reaching for mine on the table.

Alex interlaces our fingers together and my eyes tear up. “Please don’t do this. Don't leave me. We need each other. It's always been you and I against the world.”

I avert my gaze. He was making this is hard. So hard.

Knowing myself I would've lost my resolve on this whole thing and run back to him, but I was tired of doing that. I want to, I need to stand my ground this time.

“I bet I’ll be running back to you in no time,” I laugh through a choked sob, trying to make the problem look like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Just let me do this. If you really love me, trust that I can do this; believe that I need to do this.”

Alex lets go of my hand slowly, retrieving it back before all hope disappears from his eyes.

“I love you,” I tell him sadly, getting up and heading out of the café because I couldn't face him any longer. Before I enter my crappy car, my name being called has me spinning back around to face a determined pair of hazel eyes.

“I won’t give up,” Alex says determiningly before whirling around and disappearing off into the distance, leaving me to wonder what he meant exactly by those words.

When I get back home the tears are uncontrollable.

…

I don’t think I could do this.

Living without knowing about Alex, not knowing if he was there for me was really hard on it's own. He's always been there. I was there for him and he was there for me; he made me feel less lonely.

I was crazy thinking I could do this.

It sucked being alone before I met Alex so why did I think it would be any better without him now?

Hayden’s advice sounded good in my moment of weakness but now… I wasn’t so sure.

“How do you know you’re compatible, how do you know if he’s the best you’ve ever had if you’ve only ever dated once?”

Those words got me thinking like it was an extremely hard riddle but now, the answer seemed clear to me.

I was only with Alex my whole life; he was there for me when I needed someone the most, so I learned to depend on him to get through my tough times. I wasn’t given the chance to learn and grow through things on my own.

I had Alex for that.

But now I need to grow and learn things on my own. See the world differently and only through my eyes for a change.

Once I come back to Alex, I’d be a better me, not only in appearance but deep down too. I think I’d be able to love him even more than before if I learn to love myself just a little more.

That was definitely what I need.

To love me.

My thoughts are interrupted by the door to my dorm room opening; quickly I wipe my tears before Hayden can catch me looking all pathetic.

“Charlie, we have our first class in like 10 minutes,” he urges and I shoot out of bed.

While I struggle to slip on my shoes, hopping onto one foot, Hayden is grabbing a notebook and pen for the both of us.

With that, we run out, shutting the door behind us and hurrying to catch our first lecture.

______________________

Do you think Charlie's making the right decision? What about Alex, what's going to happen to him now?

So I've noticed a lot of people hate Daniel. Lol. It was so fun reading your comments on the last chapter you guys make my day.

So are we team:

Alex?

Hayden?

Or Daniel?  (I'm expecting zero comments😂)

Share your thoughts and spread the love by recommending this book maybe?

Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

xxx