Jake's PoV

"Get up, Jakey! The window will still be there in a few hours!"

I flinch, when my best friend Jayden disturbs my thoughts abruptly.
Without turning around I let myself fall down on the bed I sat on and sigh dramatically. This causes a giggle from he making my heart jump a bit.

"I doubt our parents booked this vacation just so you could sit on the bed the whole time and stare into nothing!" He continues, while sitting down right next to me.

"You sound just like them!" I complain and try to roll over, away from him, when he grabs my head and forces me to look at him. My heartbeat increases... his beautiful blue eyes stare directly in mine. I try to look everywhere else, before I get lost in them. So I quickly pay attention to one of his sandy hair strands that stands up from the perfectly styled rest.

I really want to touch it and correct it, but I can't... It would be weird...
Otherwise we are still in a pretty weird position, him almost towering me, so why not making it weirder?

I reach to it, getting up a bit, and softly stroke it, till it stays in position. My face heats up as soon as I notice how close our faces are by now. His soft lips only a few inches away from mine. He doesn't show emotion at all, he just sits there and observes me.

After a few awkward, nerve wrecking moments he finally smiles at me warmly and then gets slowly up.
"Thank you, buddy! My hair has to look perfect for tonight!"

He winks at me and then ruffles my curly hair. It's also brown, but a lot darker than his and thanks to the bangs (and probably also my nerdy glasses) hide my almost black eyes.

I don't know why, but I don't like it, when people look me in the eyes, it just makes me uncomfortable, except for Jayden maybe.
Perhaps I don't like it because of the same reason I always stay in the hotel room and look out of the window.

It's not that I hate people. I like them and I really want them to like me, but whenever I'm around them, I just want to run away and hide in my room or else I freak out at time to time.
It's nothing I can control...

"Hey! Earth to Jake! Are you still with me?"

Yet again I flinch a bit... But Jayden just rolls his eyes in a teasing way.

"Don't you wanna ask WHY my hair has to look perfect tonight?"

Now it's my turn to roll my eyes.

"Why?"

His eyes spark when I actually give in to his intentions.

"We're going to a party!"

I laugh nervously: "No we're not!"

He takes a deep breath, before giving me a scolding look!
"It's a silence party organized by the hotel! We get headphones and  then you can choose what music you listen to! You don't have to listen to dump party music! Also they are going to be parents with their childs, so no beer ping pong or drunk ass idiots, at least probably not! And the best thing: Our parents won't go!"

He proudly smiles encouragingly. Hesitantly I sit up and look seriously at him while thinking about it.

On the one side he is right, it doesn't sound that bad. It won't be like one of these stupid Highschool parties that I despise and yet I am not sure about it. I don't like being around people.
What if he abandons me?
What if I end up alone or get a panic attack? Or worse... what if I have to watch him dancing with cute girls and flirting the whole night!?

"I don't know, man... I think I should stay here!"

His smile falters for a second before he suddenly grabs my arm and yanks me off the bed. Since he is taller and well built and I am just a scrawny little gay, I don't stand a chance.

"You won't! You will get your ass up and go to this party, with ME, right NOW!"

Before I can fight back he already leaves to room dragging me along.

Half an hour later I find myself in the corner of a big room flooded by disco lights. In the centre of said room is a crowd of people, everyone dancing to their music and own rhythm.
It's quite funny to watch from a distance.

My gaze turns automatically to Jayden. He sits on the bar and hums along a song, even when he doesn't wear his headphones. He waits patiently for his drink.

Then a melody catches my attention. "Seasons of Love" plays... I love this song. I guess judging on my taste in music I am kinda a gay cliche, but who cares... I look around and notice that no one else listen to my channel, recognizable because of the lights on the headphones that show what channel the person is listening to with colors.

Being the always-way-to-excited-person that I am I rush over to Jayden and shove the headphones over his head, while almost tackling him down.

At first he looks shocked, but as soon he sees me, his features soften. Then he closes his eyes, just listening to the music. Our faces are really close by now and I watch him humming along.

I know that he loves music with all his heart. Everyone knows... You just have to look at him. The way his foot taps, the loving expression or the tiny movements his head does. It's adorable and it makes it impossible to not fall for him...
(Just one of the million reasons)

A few moments later he opens his eyes and looks directly to me, a warm smile spreading on his lips. I feel like the rest of the party disappears and there is only us... with RENT playing in the background.

But eventually the barkeeper interrupts our moment, when he hands Jayden his drink. I try not to sigh out loud.

The taller boy gets up with the alcohol in one hand and then turns again to me: "I wanna dance! Let's dance!"

This time I am faster than him... Before he can grab my arm, I pull away. "No, I won't!"

The look he gives me is genuinely sad and it hurts my chest, but I can't go into the crowd! Only the thought makes my stomach turn!

"Fine!" He almost spats at me and walks away leaving me with guilt rushing over me and little tears in my eyes. I didn't want to make him angry, but I can't betray my own body...

With shaky legs I make my way back to the corner. I wish I could leave, but even though he's pissed at me, he would go look after me and I don't want tu ruin his night more than I already did.

I'm a mess. I'm so stupid. I am weak. I am dumb. I only think of myself. I am a bad friend. Why do I have to be like this. I don't deserve him. He hates me... He's better off without me...
He could never love a faggot like me...

I look over to him, only to see him dancing very close to a gorgeous blonde girl. She doesn't look bitchy: natural makeup, wavy hair, a summer dress and a really cute smile that he returns, while she holds on to his broad shoulders.

The pain in my chest intensifies making the tears drop.

She looks stunning! Just like him!
I will never be that person for him! How could I ever compare with someone like that... and if not her... How could I ever compete to anyone?

I can't let him see me cry. He will only think I am miserable... pathetic...
And he would be right.

I try to get up ignoring my weak legs and wipe my tears away. Without thinking nor looking back I rush to the exit, I just want to leave everything behind me.

But instead someone violently pulls me back. "Where are you going?" His words are harsh and make me whimper, but even then I don't face him, I can't...

"Jake!?" His voice softens, but only slightly, it's still full of rage.

"I-I- I'm sorry..." I whisper "S-sorry for ruining your night." I feel tears coming back and pull my arm away from his loosened grip. "Go get them, tiger"
I try to joke, but fail miserably, cause I can't hold the tears back anymore.

Sobbing I return to my hotel room and break down on my bed, well... our bed... the stupid double bed I share with the boy that makes my heart aching. I have to get out of here!

But I already reached the point my panic attack doesn't allow me to move. I just lay there sobbing not able to think straight. My chest physically hurts. My face completely wet and yet I can't stop crying. I can't see anything. My legs shake. I jus want it to end. Everything!

I don't want to live! I don't want to die. I just want to stop existing. Everything would be better then anyway.

I hear a blurred voice, but can't make out words...

After a while it becomes clearer.

"Can you hear me?"

A voice repeats and repeats. I slightly nod, not being able to literally anything else.
Than I feel a hand stroking my back.

"Breath with me.

In... wait... and out..."

He says it again and again till I am able to do so and actually calm a bit down.

After a while I actually calmed down a bit. Jayden still has his arm on my back and notices instantly.

"Did you know that fear of being tickled with feathers is called Pteronophobia?"

He asks while starring at me comforting. My breath rate is back to normal and I am just really tired, so I still don't move.

"I hate tickles!" I mumble. He just laughs at my dizziness.

"I know... that's why I know that!"

What? I make a confused noise.

"I learned all those random facts, that are related to you. Just to always have one when you feel angsty."

My chest feels suddenly warm. Why can't he stop being adorable!? In my dizzy state I am not able to resist him...
So I giggle looking up to him.

"Tell me more!"

"As global temperatures rise, flowers are emitting less scent."

I whine. "No! I love flowers!"

He fully laughs at my state. Looking at him being the beautiful being that he is I start to laugh as well. Eventually he stops just to look at me.

"Why have you been crying?"

My laughter stops abruptly. "It doesn't matter" My gold mood was ruined again and I was back to my pitiful self.
I try to turn away, but again... he was quicker.

"I am sorry!" He states bluntly.
Then looks me deep in the eyes.

"I forced you to go to a party even though you didn't want to. I tried to make you dance and when you didn't did what I wanted I got pissed at you, completely ignoring your anxiety. I am a selfish prick and even worse... a bad friend."

I try really hard to hold back my emotions, but I again start crying.

"No, please don't!" He grabs me and pulls me close. "You did amazing today! It was really brave to be there!" He started petting my back again while he cradles me ins his arms. I am even able to hear his heartbeat.

"Did you know that in every class statistically there are two queer people?"

Panic rushes through me... he knows... But before I can speak up, he continues.

"Since I read that all I can think about is how much I wished you were the other!"

My lungs stop working. And my heart beats out of my chest. His beautiful eyes are locked with mine.

"B-but the girl..." I ask confused, not allowing hope to get the best of me.

"I'm gay!" He interrupts me.
And then adds softly: "for you!"

I can't say anything, so I just act.
I lean forward till our lips connect.

It feels like everything I wanted and more. His lips are soft and I never felt this happy before.

After a while I need air and pull away. He grins. "Salty!"

"What?" I look at him confused.
"Your lips are salty! From the tears!" Shocked I look at him in total embarrassment. "S-sorry!"

He laughs again at my awkwardness. "That was the best thing I have ever done in my whole life! Don't be sorry!" And he kisses me again.