It's getting so much harder for him to concentrate lately, his mind whispers him things that he should flinch at- he doesn't though- and everything just seems so dull. His uploads each week are slowly declining and he knows his subscribers aren't happy about it. The editing software he uses- that he's used for so many years- hurts his head and YouTube as a whole is not as fun as it used to be.

It's way more fun to drink vodka and play with matches. Something that's he's been doing a lot of lately.

Wildcat tells him that it's just a faze, that he'll get his motivation back soon enough and the break will help him be better than what he would be if he had ended up overworking himself.

Vanoss reminds him that he's there if he ever needs to talk, that they're friends and he would hate it if something ever happened to him.

Moo just tells him jokes whenever they talk, maybe in an attempt to lift his spirits or maybe because he's to awkward to have a heavy and serious conversation with him.

Mini explains the definition of depression to him, tells him the symptoms and asks him if he's ever had any suicidal thoughts.

Basically tells him to suck it up, that he's going to screw up his whole life if he continues to act like this. 'Like a child throwing a tantrum over nothing' he'd supplied to Marcel, who had just rolled his eyes at him.

Nogla threatens to fly all the way to his house just to hug him if he doesn't snap out of it, he also promises that he'll keep his eyes closed the whole time he's there.

Cartoonz's looks are the worst though, they cut him deep with the obvious worry that hides in them and Delirious is starting to dread talking to his best friend. All because the looks he receives makes him feel so guilty.

He's been hoping that he could just laugh this whole feeling off, get back to normal and stop having to constantly hear the pity in his friends voices when they talk to him. He's held enough conversations with his friends to know that they support him, that they love him but it's just not enough to stop the whispers.

They're constant, drowning him in his own self doubt and self hate and Delirious has never had them so strongly in ages. The last time they affected him this much... well... Jon doesn't like to think of that night.

He's moved to sit in front of his computer now, his fingers feel cold and he's just absentmindedly flicking them for no real reason. His arms flop awkwardly beside him, hanging limply as if they're attached to a dead corpse and Delirious wonders how far off that thought actually is.

The box of matches are on the bed, and the couple of steps it would take to reach them seem to far and far to much effort. Jon lets a sigh slip past his lips and thinks about calling Brock.

Moo's the only one of his friends he can stand right now, and that's probably because he still acts as if Delirious isn't losing his mind in real time. As much as his friends support is nice, it makes Jon feel like he's a broken toy that has no use unless it's fixed. Moo makes him feel like it's okay to be broken and he likes that.

His mouse hovers over the call button and Jon just sits there in silence for a moment. He's been drinking- pretty heavily- and he knows that Brock will take that as a bad sign. His friend is too soft and while he's awkward; Brock definitely doesn't have a problem calling Evan to talk some sense into him.

Sometimes Delirious wonders if Brock has a crush of Vanoss, but it wouldn't be surprising if he did. Jon is sure that at least at one point in all of his friends lives, they've all had gay thoughts about their buff Asian friend.

Jon sure has.

His finger knocks against the mouse and Delirious finds himself calling Moo without a choice in the matter.

"It would be pretty fucking funny if he didn't answer. No time for you Delirious, who would want to talk to you, loser," he slurs, reaching for the bottle of Vodka he left sitting beside his desk last night. It's warm and old, but it makes Jon's chest feel warm and fuzzy and it burns his throat as it goes down, so it does its job.

"Delirious? Hey man, what's up?"

Moo's voice is loud and way to excited for a drunk Jonathan to handle. He grits his teeth and tries his best not to slur his words, "Aye buddy. Nothing much, nothing *hiccup* much. What you doing, huh? Talking to Evan~"

"Um... no? Why, did you need him?" Moo asks, clearly confused and Delirious just laughs. His thoughts are swimming around in his head and even drunk he knows that this phone call is a bad idea.

"Nah, nah, nah... don't need him, don't need no one!" He exclaims, raising his hand to rub at his temple, "can you tell me a joke Moo... I really want- no- I need to laugh at something. Something funny,"

"Are you high?" Brock asks and unbeknown to Jon, he reaches for his cell phone that's sitting on the couch behind him.

Delirious shakes his head, as if Moo can see him and he bites his tongue, "Can I tell you something?" He slurs, but his voice has become quieter and Brock has to actually strain to hear him.

"Yeah, anything dude,"

"I feel weird," Jon whispers and then falls quiet.

"Because you're drunk or because of something else?" Brock asks, trying to get Delirious to elaborate as he texts Cartoonz from under his desk. There's no threat of Jonathan catching him, but Moo still feels the need to hide his phone from the screen as a precaution.

"Something else... I-I don't feel... human," Jon whispers and he feels like he's just talking to himself, " I don't feel real, my mind is telling me to grab a knife from the kitchen to test the theory. I've tried before, but I don't know if the answer is still the same,"

Delirious can hear Moo's sharp intake of breath and he's seconds a away from clicking end call when Brock's voice stops him.

"I get it..." He replies, and his voice has dropped lower as well, "sometimes it feels as if I'm in a dream or even just a game. Like the world isn't real and I'm stuck in it like a hamster in a maze,"

Jon nods, again forgetting that Moo can't see him. His eyes are glued to the screen and the voices that are whispering at him to go to the kitchen are hushed, "do you hear them? The voices?" He asks, needing to know if Moo is just like him.

"Yeah... I hate them..." He whispers and Delirious lets out all of the air he didn't know he was holding in, "but Jon- can I call you Jon?- as hard as it is to ignore them, I want you to know that they're lying. This is real, I am real and you are too,"

"O-okay..."

They both fall silent, the only sounds present is the sound of Jon's shaky breathing and the thud of Brock putting his phone down.

"I'm glad you called... never been so happy to be drunk dialled in my life," Moo snorts quietly and Delirious finds himself laughing at the shitty joke, "Jon?"

"Hmm?" he murmurs, screwing the lid back onto the bottle of Vodka and sighing quietly.

"Just promise me that if you ever feel weird or if you feel like you're not real, that you'll come to me instead of going to the kitchen knives for help," Moo pleads and Delirious feels himself smiling.

"Yeah dude. And same for you too, I'm here if you need me," he promises, finally feeling like he's safe enough to fall  asleep. He says his goodbyes to Brock and exits out of the call, and on the other end of the screen Brock sends a quick message off to Cartoonz before heading to bed.

He's gonna be okay, I'll make sure of it.