"IT'S TOO BAD YOU STILL LOVE ME."

FEBRUARY 14, 2017 — 11:11 AM

I've been getting pretty tired recently. No, not of anyone, not of my jobs, not of my friend group. Just... trying to block out anything too insignificant to me. I got quite tired of a lot of things, so I decided the important days will be the days that I would keep in my memories.

Can't remember when my mock exam is nor when my math homework is due... but, it's alright. At least today is Valentine's day, I had nothing to give Beomgyu, and I'd be going home after this. I hoped at least this year, things would go according to cupid's plan, but after deciding that I wouldn't be giving him anything in return, I doubted that it would happen.

Well, it's normal to have chaos in this type of relationship. I promised myself I'd lose hope in him, that I'd lose any type of love, infatuation, and feeling for him. It was only right to.

I returned the books to the library, signing the form for Ms. Kang. Taehyun helped me as well, pouring the books onto a cart even as he struggled picking up at least two. I sighed as the bell rung minutes after for lunch, Taehyun happy as he dropped the books in his grasp. "I'm going to lunch! Bye loser!" Taehyun exclaimed, causing me to roll my eyes as I picked up the textbooks. "If you need me, I'm going to be eating kimbap! Adios!"

"Of course you will, bitch," I muttered, slamming the textbooks down on the cart. "Betrayer. I hate that mother—"

"Yihwa!"

"Oh, of course, it's also you," I mumbled, rolling my eyes at his voice. Turning around as I cleared my throat, prince charming was right on time. His eyes are sparkling through the vivid sunlight that bled through the library windows, hair long and raven-black. "Hi, Beomgyu. Happy Valentine's day."

"Happy Valentine's day to you too, Yihwa! Mmmmwa~!" Through his kissing sound, his puckered lips leaned forward and kissed my cheek, my eyes flickering up to his. "I hope you're having a great day. I love you a lot, and I have something great planned for our day today!"

"Beomgyu, we're at school," I replied, seeing the light in his eyes die down. While he was awfully cute, I can't handle this. I can't give in, either—or I'll lose myself to the storm of feelings. He was a great boyfriend, but I can't hurt him nor me like this. We shouldn't go on. "Where are we going to go if I have to stay and help grade tests?"

"Now you're just making excuses!" He pouted, grabbing both of my hands. My eyes flickered to our intertwined hands, flushing red as I stepped back, swatting away his hands. He giggled, probably mistaking my wanted space for love. "I already asked Ms. Kang and Mr. Jung to completely clear your schedule tonight. Even your workplace said that you don't work today!"

"You're really going to these lengths, huh..." I muttered, biting my lower lip as I exhaled deeply. Turning back around so that I wouldn't have to see his face, I continued to place textbooks in the return bin. "Well, okay. Just text me the address and I'll be there."

"Okay! Be there by seven, okay?"

"Okay..." I trailed off, lifting the heavy pile. "Bye, now, Beomgyu. See you later."

Even when I greeted him goodbye, he's still staring at me from behind. I don't pay attention, continuing to separate all the textbooks and write down each other returned (since not only Taehyun went on lunch break, so did the librarians. What can I say...?) While it did tire me out, it helped me distract myself from memories I wished not to reminisce on.

"Hey, um... Yi-Yi?" That nickname... I haven't heard it in a while. I froze up, holding the heavy textbook in my hands. Spinning around slowly, I met his tall figure once more, eyeing him as I tilted my head. "Do you... need help?"

Shit, I do. Yet, to have him work with me in this proximity... I couldn't risk it.

Wait, could I? I mean, I'm already taking the proper measures to distance myself from him, and I find myself slowly being disinterested in everything we do... so could this at least be one chance to make him believe I still love him? No, I shouldn't do that. Don't give him false hope!

"Um..." I trailed off, looking down at the textbook in my hands. "I guess—but just say the codes of the textbooks as you return them."

"Okay!" He took the textbook from my hands, lightly brushing his fingers against my cold hands as he passed by. I swallowed, sniffling before I grabbed the clipboard off the receptionist's table. "This is English textbook #542. The bar code is—"

"Just the number will do fine, thanks," I wrote it down, eyeing the label as I read quickly. Writing it down, Beomgyu flipped through more textbooks, reciting numbers and names as I wrote them down as fast as I could. Finishing faster thanks to Beomgyu's speedy talking and my speedy writing, I slammed down the clipboard as he flinched. "Okay, thanks. You're free to go."

"What about you, Yi-Yi?"He inquired, leaning forward as I leaned back. Peeking slightly at him, I licked my lips to cross out any words I'd accidentally say. "Aren't you going to lunch? I'll accompany you!"

"No, I, um..." I trailed off, trying to remember the pieces of my mental to-do list. "Right. I offered to return books to their rightful place—besides the textbooks—so I have to go do that right now. I'll maybe see you at lunch, and if not, I'll see you after classes, okay?"

"No, let me help!" He took initiative, allowing me to sigh as I couldn't talk back with his polite words. So, he followed me around like a dog, pushing the return cart around as I checked shelves. The library was awfully hot, maybe because it was still winter or whatnot. However, to be wearing my coat in this condition... shit, I'd light myself on fire.

As I reached to put away a fiction book, I felt a slight tug on my jacket, causing me to turn around. Beomgyu brushed his fingers along my coat up until my collar, bringing them down halfway. "It's hot, you should take this off for now—you're seriously sweating," He whispered, reminding me of Yeonjun's words. I blinked as I allowed him to help me take it off, the boy throwing it over his shoulder as he smiled softly. "Also, Yi-Yi, can you tie my hair?"

He's been calling me Yi-Yi a lot. It's starting to make me soften, but I wouldn't give in.

"Sure," I mumbled, speaking without thinking. I took the hair tie from my wrist, him cutely spinning around like a doll before sighing. As I looked at him admiring his hands, the bracelet and ring sat softly on his right hand. I gulped, seeing him giggle at it as I tied up his hair. Soon finishing, I retracted my hands away, turning back around to the shelves. "There, I finish—"

I felt his arms embraced me softly, a tight squeeze around my hands as I looked down at them. I heard a quiet sniffle as he placed his chin on my shoulder. "Yihwa?"

I didn't say anything, instead, I bit my lower lip to calm myself. I felt a hot tear place itself on my sweater, my shoulder beginning to feel wet.

"Do you... still... love me?"

I gulped, fixing my dress. I had a hard time choosing whether to go with a jean jacket or go with a trenchcoat, but after the many pros and cons of each thing delaying me even further, I decided to go with a jean jacket—mainly because I still can't rid myself of his words that replayed every day in my head.

Walking there despite the long-distance, I found myself in the garden. Looking down at my phone, I was quite intrigued. I didn't know the garden next to our school had an actual address... Well, besides that, I had no idea where Beomgyu was.

Finding myself going deeper inside, I heard the soft music playing in the background. I cleared my throat, blinking slightly as the birds chirped and the butterflies flew. Pausing before entering the corner, I gave myself time to plan things out.

How was I going to allow this to happen? Would I allow him to kiss me? What would I do in this situation!?

As I stared into space, I saw two butterflies. I winced, hoping that the beginning of their relationship wouldn't start with one dying and the other be happy it's dead. However, instead of hoping for the worst, they didn't flutter nor touch. Instead, they flew in opposite directions, one swirling around a tree towards another butterfly while the other flew out of the garden. Good for them, I guess...

Okay, breathe. I turned the grassy corner, blinking slightly as his phone played instrumental music. His back faced me, picking at the picnic blanket as he straightened each of the corners. "Uh... Beomgyu?" The tall cutie perked up, turning around as he scooted back. His smile was slightly awkward, the boy laughing awkwardly as well as he beckoned to the seat in front of him.

"Sit down, love!" He exclaimed, my smile slightly growing as I sat crisscrossed against the gingham picnic blanket. He smoothed out the blanket once more, obliviously being nervous as his hands shook while picking up another blanket from behind him, laying it on my legs. "Here, I know it'll get cold the closer we get to the nighttime, so make sure to keep warm."

"Oh, thanks," I mumbled, nodding as he opened the basket. The music was smooth, Beomgyu handing me a strawberry and being kind even after the library scene. Well, to fill you in, I had to comfort him despite being unable to say that I truly loved him. I still don't want to make him feel like I love him just as much as he does with me... and I know I'm a bitch for holding onto him this long. "Are you okay today—Or I mean... this evening?"

"If you're talking about what happened today, yeah, I'm fine," He whispered, nodding reassuringly. I met his eyes, soon trying to smile as I nodded as well. "Hey, um... Yihwa..."

"Yeah?"

"I really do love you, okay?" He whispered almost inaudibly, unsure of his own words. "I know we've been through shit all three times on this day, fighting like idiots and calling each other bitches and everything... but I've never felt an ounce of love for you leave me. I mean it with my whole heart when I say I want to live with and love you for the rest of my life."

I gulped at his love confession, the boy leaning closer as he exhaled the cold air. "And..." He trailed off, pulling something out of his pocket. "Hopefully, forever, you'll feel the same!" Beomgyu pulled out a necklace, smiling widely as he placed it in front of my eyes.

I almost choked up at the design, Beomgyu pulling my hand out as he placed it in the palm of my hands. My thumb brushed off the chain, showing the symbol that hung in the middle. "I couldn't really afford a ring since I don't work as hard as you do, but I did as much as I could! It's a necklace that matches my ring, see?" He grabbed it out of my palm, placing the butterfly inside the butterfly-shaped hole. "It shows how we match so well! Isn't it cute?"

"Yeah," My voice cracked, my lips pressed together as my heart dropped low to my stomach. "Yeah, it's um... really cute."

"Hehe, I'm glad I could save at least one of our Valentine's, c'mere," He brought me closer, scooting towards me as I stared down at the connected necklace. He took it out of the hole before unlocking it, wrapping it around my neck before re-linking it together. "Ah~ look how pretty it is on you!"

I nodded, my head falling. "Aw, love, don't cry," He whispered, picking my head up with his hand. He leaned closer, kneeling as he towered over me slightly. "Besides, we have forever to stay together, don't we?"

Don't we?

No, we don't.

"I really love you, Yang Yihwa—and Happy Valentine's day," As I stared at his incoming figure, I closed my eyes. Tears poured out of my eyes, whether it be of regret, sadness, pain, or guilt—I couldn't take it when he kissed me as he meant it.

I've figured it out.

I finally understood how he felt... when he looked down at me that day, watching me cry in misery because the man of my dreams broke my heart.

I understood how Yeonjun felt...

When he began to pity me.